Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a White Liar. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 21, 2009

I am not a chronic liar. First up…

The Invention of Lying

The best part about telling untruths is all the money, women, and fast cars that you get to lie to everyone about.

Unfortunately, the fibber in this comedy foregoes concocting similar whoppers and, instead, chooses to lie to people about religion.

In a world where only the truth can be spoken, an unemployed screenwriter, Mark (Ricky Gervais), conjures up the concept of lying.

Using his novel notion to win over the unreceptive Anna (Jennifer Garner), Mark also causes mass hysteria when he begins telling people of a place called heaven.

While it takes some clever jabs at consumer culture, religious doctrine and the dating scene, The Invention of Lying proves a unique hypothesis; disappointingly, however, its cavalcade of cameos and lack of belly laughs makes it incapable of supporting said premise.

And although I can’t verify the actually inventor of lying, I do know that politicians hold the patent on it.  0

Gamer

The reason that fans of war-based video games don’t serve in any real wars is because they’re too afraid to fight Nazis-zombie-alien-robots for real.

Case in point, Simon, a young gamer who just so happens to control the most popular player in ‘Slayers’, a massive online multi-player game.

The brainchild of tech-genius Ken Castle (Michael C. Hall), ‘Slayers’ is a futuristic diversion that pits death-row inmates against one another in armed combat. If an inmate wins 30 matches, they’re set free. With three matches to go, Kable (Gerard Butler) is made aware of the mind-control technology employed by Castle, and plots a jailbreak.

Though an indication of things to come, the cyber-punk platform that Gamer is served on is nothing but a reworking of a million other death-match movies.

Besides, if it were possible for gamers to control real humans, wouldn’t they just have their character play video games all-day?  0

Whiteout

Finally, they’ve made a movie about correction fluid, which I really hope is shown in smell-o-vision.

Wait a minute. Apparently this isn’t a movie about the cream coloured office supply that allows you to readjust the dollar amount on your paycheck, but a murder-mystery set against the stark backdrop of Antarctica.

With winter setting in, U.S. Marshall Stetko (Kate Beckinsale) must solve Antarctica’s first murder before the evidence is lost in the approaching snowstorm. While investigating, Stetko finds herself embroiled in a much larger conspiracy, which makes her the prime target of the mysterious killer.

Based on a graphic novel, Whiteout’s cinematic equivalent delivers slipshod suspense and amateurish performances. As for the murderer, they’re identity is as apparent as yellow snow.

And, for the record, when killing in a cold climate, be sure to avoid licking the blood off of your knife; your tongue could freeze to the metal blade.  0

Pandorum

If you ever wake up on a spacecraft with a severe pain in your Uranus, it’s a pretty safe bet that those cosmonauts you met last night slipped something into your Tang.

And while the newly revived crewmembers aboard this particular vessel weren’t space sodomized, they did, however, wake up from suspended animation with no clue as to their identities or whereabouts.

With Earth nearing its maximum occupancy, a ship filled with hibernating passengers is launched into space. Years later, astronauts Bower (Ben Foster) and Payton (Dennis Quaid) awaken to find the ship’s passengers mutated and its nuclear reactor failing.

A dark and gritty space-thriller, Pandorum is a welcome edition to the genre: the psychosomatic storyline lends well to the close confines of space, while the mutants are just plain palatable.

As for sedation on long space trips, I prefer the natural remedy of mixing space booze with space medication.  0

***A Vague Description***

The Thing

Now don’t get too excited, this isn’t that “thing” that your wife is always asking you to get. You know, it can usually be found on that “thingy” in that “room”. In fact, this particular “Thing” is way more ambiguous than all that.

When a team of scientists (Kurt Russell, Wilford Brimley and Keith David) stationed in Antarctica discover that an alien with the ability to take on the form of any human or animal that it wants has breached their outpost, paranoia begins to feaster amongst them.

A re-make of 1951s The Thing from Another World, The Thing from 1982 is masterfully recreated by director John Carpenter, whose tighter pace and modern special effects captures the anxiety of confinement and the fear of not knowing.

As for how to get rid of a shape-shifting E.T., simply coax it into the body of a seal pup and start clubbing.

He's Antarcticulate. He's the...

Vidiot