Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Works on the Sock Exchange. He’s the…

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Week of March 28, 2014

Buy pairs, no holes. First up…

The Wolf of Wall Street

With bears, bulls and now wolves, it seems like Wall Street is advising us to invest in nuisance animal hunting permits.

However, a different kind of wildlife is featured in this dramedy.

In the wake of Black Monday, Jordan Belfort (Leonardo DiCaprio) applies his stockbroker skills to hawking penny stocks for huge commissions.

Always scheming, he forms a firm with his protégé (Jonah Hill) and makes a women’s shoe stock seem favorable to drive up the price before dumping their shares.

In their downtime, Jordan and his employees spend their ill-gotten gains buying Quaaludes and hookers.

Meanwhile, an FBI agent (Kyle Chandler) builds a case against the firm.

Despite glorifying Belfort’s crime, director Martin Scorsese’s brings the biography to life with stylized shots, expansive soundtrack and rapid-fire editing.

It’s also DiCaprio’s most convincing performance yet.

Incidentally, all exits in Wall Street offices are located on the ledge of the building.  Green Light

Delivery Man

If sperm banks want to compete in this market, they’ll need to open up late-night ATMs for deposits.

Fortunately, this dramedy isn’t about public jerk-off booths.

Years after donating to a sperm bank, David (Vince Vaughn), a seriously indebted meat truck driver, discovers his donations have sired 533 children.

Now, some of those kids are petitioning the courts, and the clinic, to learn the real name of the donor.

Meanwhile, David visits his children as a helpful stranger, assisting them when he can.

But needing funds for an unpaid debt, and for his pregnant girlfriend (Cobie Smulders), David sues the clinic.

Hollywood’s remake of the French-Canadian film Starbuck, Delivery Man is helmed by the writer/director of the francophone version.

However, that familiarity with the source material doesn’t save this sappy update from the annoyance of Vaughn’s incessant nattering.

Furthermore, when they are 533 of you, incest laws shouldn’t be applicable.  Red Light

***Johnny Apple Seedy***

Donor Unknown

If you’re father was a sperm donor, you’ll be reminded of him every time you masturbate.

Instead of playing with themselves, however, the offspring in this documentary are trying to locate their donor dad.

In the 1980s, Jeffrey Harrison spent a good deal of time making deposits at a cryobank under the name: Donor 150.

Twenty years later, JoEllen Marsh, one of the many children conceived from Jeffrey’s genes, connects with a half-sister over the Internet.

The peculiarity of the reunion attracts the New York Times and eventually more siblings and the donor’s identity are uncovered.

But are his progenies ready to visit the beach where their dad lives in an RV?

A fascinating true story about the past catching up with you, Donor Unknown’s paternal pathos blends well with the genetic similarities prevalent throughout Jeff’s brood.

Either way, the biggest opponent of donating to sperm banks is still Kleenex.

He’s a Sperm Bank Robber. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Repost-It Note. He’s the…

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Week of March 21, 2014

Be the inspirational quote Gandhi would post. First up…

Frozen

Finally, Disney addresses the issues of their aging audience with this feature about poor blood circulation.

Oops, apparently this animated movie is about an ice princess, not about icy toes.

In response to an incident involving her ability to make snow that occurred when they were young, Princess Anna (Kristen Bell) shuts herself off from her sister Elsa (Idina Menzel).

It’s not until Elsa’s coronation does Anna reappear.

Unfortunately, her frosty condition unleashes eternal winter on the kingdom. Forcing her into exile.

Now it’s up to Elsa, her guide Kristoff (Jonathan Groff) and a snowman (Josh Gad) to find Anna and convince her to lift her blustery curse.

With more than one earworm on its soundtrack and a cast with both singing and slapstick chops, Frozen is Disney’s best of the 21^st Century.

Mind you, with the power to make snow, you’ll always have a job at any ski resort.  Green Light

Saving Mr. Banks

If it weren’t for Herr Disney during WWII, Anaheim and Orlando would have become Allied strongholds.

However, this drama isn’t about Walt’s ideology, it’s about his adaptation of Mary Poppins.

After decades of being wooed by Walt Disney (Tom Hanks) to sell him the film rights to her book, a penniless P. L. Travers (Emma Thompson) agrees to fly to L.A. to help with the script.

Unfortunately, for the film’s writer (Bradley Whitford) and lyricists (Jason Schwartzman and B.J. Novak), she is an obstinate collaborator who detests animation and musicals.

Meanwhile, flashbacks of P.L.’s youth detail her relationship with her alcoholic father (Colin Farrell).

Although well acted, Mr. Banks downplays the tension between Walt and the author in order to get the desired happy ending that has become the company’s stock-in-trade.

Incidentally, I’m more curious in how Disney convinced someone to walk-around in the California heat in a mouse costume.  Yellow Light

American Hustle

The hardest part of scamming before the Internet was you had to find someone to play the son of a deposed Nigerian King.

Fortunately, the con artists in this 1970s crime-drama only have to find someone to play a Sheikh.

Irving (Christian Bale) and his girlfriend Sydney (Amy Adams) agree to help an FBI Agent (Bradley Cooper) bring down corrupt politicians to avoid conviction on their most recent swindle.

The target of the operation is a New Jersey mayor (Jeremy Renner) willing to work with the mafia to revitalize the gaming industry.

But when Irving’s dingbat wife (Jennifer Lawrence) gets involved in the dupe, it could cost them everything.

Inspired by real events, director David O. Russell assembles a crack team of talented actors to pull off an adroit script that tackles both the dramatic and comedic duties masterfully.

Mind you, the biggest swindle of the seventies is still disco.  Green Light

Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom

The perk to being a political prisoner is that you get to waste triple the amount of taxpayer dollars.

However, there are no pricey dinners for the convict in this drama.

When Nelson Mandela (Idris Elba) moves from his South African village to the segregated city to become a lawyer, his eyes are opened to the injustices in the courts and on the streets.

Compelled to march in the Anti-Apartheid protests, Mandela later bombs government buildings, and is subsequently sentenced to life in prison.

On the outside, his second-wife Winnie (Naomie Harris) leads an international campaign for his release.

With a praiseworthy performance from Elba, this adaptation of Mandela’s autobiography may not be the most artistic but it’s the most comprehensive movie about his triumphs and failures. 

And, eventually, whites and blacks in South Africa learned to get along through their mutual love of annoying other countries with the vuvuzela.  Yellow Light

***Donald Duckumentary***

Walt: The Man Behind the Myth

The key to being a rich and successful animator is reusing old backgrounds and pocketing the cash.

Mind you, the cartoonist in this documentary made a fortune through innovation.

From his early days in the mid-west scheming to fight overseas in the Great War, to his first animating gig in California, Walt Disney was as ambitious as he was talented.

But when his first character was stolen from him, Walt learned that cartoons could be cutthroat, so he protected his creations.

This paid dividends when he concocted a mouse named Mickey.

What followed was an illustrious and groundbreaking career not only in animated features but live-action, television and eventually theme parks.

Although it opts for the Disney-fied version of Walt’s private life, this collection of family photos, film clips and celebrity interviews do honour his public legacy with aplomb.

Incidentally, Disney’s most profitable rodent isn’t Mickey - it’s Miley Cyrus.

He’s Yellow Snow White. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Cover Songwriter. He’s the… 

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Week of March 14, 2014

I wrote this next one to torture terror suspects. First up…

Inside Llewyn Davis

The key to being a successfull folk singer is finding the perfect street corner to busk on.

Even more prominent, the troubadour in this drama has found himself a coffee house to play at.

After his partner’s suicide, couch surfing, folk singer Llewyn Davis (Oscar Isaac) learns a fellow folk singer (Carey Mulligan) is pregnant with his baby.

Llewyn agrees to pay for the abortion and that arrangement sets the stage for his journey from Greenwich to Chicago to see a record producer (F. Murray Abraham) in hopes of establishing a solo career.

A striking recreation of the1960s café scene, directors Joel and Ethan Coen bring their oddball blend of dark humour, eccentric characters and esoteric metaphors to the format.

And while not every message is comprehensible and not every ballad is enjoyable, the artistry is undeniable.  

Incidentally, the folk singer movement ended the very day Bob Dylan became indecipherable.  Yellow Light

The Book Thief

The problem with stealing books is that no one cares they’re missing.

However, this drama takes place at time when books were both valued and feared.

To keep her safe from the Nazis, Liesel’s (Sophie Nélisse) mother sends her to live with foster parents, Hans (Geoffrey Rush) and Rosa (Emily Watson).

Whereas Rosa is stern, Hans is kindhearted and teaches Liesel to read the books she pilfers from the book burnings.

When WWII breaks out, Liesel learns Hans is harboring a Jew (Ben Schnetzer) in their basement.

To pass the time, the refugee teaches Liesel to write her own stories.

Despite omitting major sections of the book, this is a suitable adaptation of the teen novel.

But, like the book itself, the narrative never uses its fascist setting to its full potential.

Incidentally, Nazis burnt books so Hitler’s Mein Kampf would be the only one on the Best Sellers list.  Green Light

Homefront

To get rid of a meth-head, tell them there’s a cache of cold medicine hidden out in the backwoods.

Unfortunately, that won’t work for the father in this thriller because he lives in the sticks.

After an epic undercover assignment with a biker gang, which saw him kill the leader’s kin, DEA agent Phil (Jason Statham) retires to a rural community.

But when his daughter crosses a bully at school, his mother (Kate Bosworth) asks her meth-dealing brother Gator (James Franco) to intimidate Phil.

Doing so, Gator discovers Phil’s a cop, and gets his girlfriend (Winona Ryder) to notify the imprisoned gang leader - who wants to settle the score.

While the action is impression thanks to Statham, the thrills are less so thanks to Franco.

Miscasting aside, the story itself is pretty standard and ultimately uneventful.

Fortunately, in the backwoods, moonshine distillery explosions cover up any meth lab explosions.  Red Light

Out of the Furnace

The highlight of coming home from war is not having to lie on a pile of corpses, pretending to be dead anymore.

Mind you the ex-soldier in this drama performed less cowardly deeds.

Back from Iraq, Rodney (Casey Affleck) rings up a gambling debt with a local thug (Willem Dafoe). 

Russell (Christian Bale), Rodney’s brother, pays half of the debt with his paycheck, and is later incarcerated for DUI.

When he’s released from prison, Russell learns of Rodney’s involvement with underground boxing, and his subsequent death at the hands of a crazy hillbilly (Woody Harrelson).

To make things right, Russell hunts down his brother’s killer despite the sheriff’s (Forest Whitaker) warning.

While the acting talent is present and accounted for, the gritty script is hard to pin down due to its erratic and somewhat implausible nature.

Besides, to avoid future revenge scenarios, only kill people who are an only child.  Yellow Light

***Folk Me***

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

To be a valued member of any chain gain, be sure to memorize the latest and greatest work songs.

Mind you, the missing links from this comedy’s chain gang prefer folk songs.

Determined to reclaim the millions he stole and hid before his capture, Ulysses (George Clooney) and his chain mates, Pete (John Turturro) and Delmar (Tim Blake Nelson), escape.

On the lam, the fugitives encounter an array of eclectic characters, like a soulless guitarist (Chris Thomas King), a cyclopean bible salesman (John Goodman), a notorious bank robber (Michael Badalucco), and a bevy of Sirens.

Along the way, they cut a hit song under the pseudonym Soggy Bottom Boys.

Loosely based on the Odyssey, directors Joel and Ethan Coen breathe life into the Depression Era with their trademark amalgamation of fact, fiction and fantasy.

However, if they’d had the hit song beforehand then they’d never have to go to jail.

He’s Folked Up. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Dystopian Futurist. He’s the…

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Week of March 7, 2014

Love triangles of the future will involve at least 1 mutant. First up…

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

When you catch fire in a dystopian future, survivors don’t extinguish it but gather around your body for warmth.

Fortunately, the conflagration in this sci-fi movie is a controlled burn.

Motivated by district uprisings resulting from the game’s most-recent winners, Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) and Peeta (Josh Hutcherson), President Snow (Donald Sutherland) announces an all-star Third Quarter Quell.

When Katniss and her mentor’s (Woody Harrelson) names are drawn, Peeta volunteers to take his position.

Meanwhile, the other tributes (Jeffrey Wright, Jena Malone, Amanda Plummer) are just as upset over their reenrollment, and conspire to topple the affluent Capitol.

The second film based on in the teen Lit series, Catching Fire is darker than its dour predecessor, but for good reason.

Tonality aside, the eclectic cast continues to grow and excel, while the seditious story starts to take root.

Incidentally, the Hunger Games are impartial, unless, of course, there’s a Russian judge.  Green Light

12 Years a Slave

Slavery in America was so bad that slaves actually wanted to move to the frozen wilderness of Canada.

Unfortunately, the slave in this drama doesn’t make it out of New Orleans.

Touring with a performing troupe, a musician from New York, Solomon Northup (Chiwetel Ejiofor), is sold into slavery - despite being a freeman.

Liquidated to a plantation owner (Benedict Cumberbatch) under the slave name Platt, Solomon shares his insight with his master.

But when a handyman (Paul Dano) starts harassing him, Platt is sold to Epps (Michael Fassbender) to keep him safe.

There, he meets Patsey (Lupita Nyong'o), whom he tries to save from the sadistic Epps.

Based on Northup’s own account, 12 Years a Slave captures the brutality of the times with brilliant performances.

However, the director’s sullen static shots can become tedious.

Incidentally, inequality continues to exist so long as black history month only has 28 days?  Green Light

***Mr. TNT***

Black Dynamite

The difference between white sticks of dynamite and black sticks of dynamite is that the black ones are longer.

But let’s leave the racial penis jokes up to this comedy shall we.   

When his brother is mysteriously killed, former CIA operative Black Dynamite (Michael Jai White) hits the streets for answers.

Eventually, the trail leads to the government, and their plan to add a chemical to a new brand of malt liquor that will shrink the junk of every African-American man. 

But Black Dynamite and his crew (Tommy Davidson, Phil Morris, Byron Minns) are unprepared for the real perpetrator behind this cultural shriveling - a cross-dressing President Richard Nixon.

Outlandish as it is hilarious, this salute to 1970s Kung Fu and blaxploitation movies pays homage to the much-maligned genres while lampooning both to a T.

Besides, if US genital size decreases, America will no longer be a threat to China.

He’s Medium Well-Endowed. He’s the…

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