Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Crawl Space Invader. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 31, 2013

Aliens are going to want their own washrooms. First up…

Dark Skies

To distract UFOs from abducting you while you sleep: grow a barley field around your home’s perimeter.

However, prime crop circle opportunities aren’t enough to keep the aliens in this horror movie from their nightly visits.

When Lacy (Keri Russell) experiences bizarre events around the home that threaten the safety of her children, (Dakota Goyo, Kadan Rockett), her husband, Daniel (Josh Hamilton), installs security cameras in order to catch the perpetrator.

But when footage of otherworldly images looming over their beds at night is captured instead, Lacy and Daniel seek out an authority (J. K. Simmons) on extraterrestrials.

Convinced the creatures are coming for their youngest, the parents vow vigilance.

Torn between video footage ghost story and space alien allegory, Dark Skies ultimately succumbs to its dualistic nature and dearth of chills.

Incidentally, a good way to scare off aliens while you slumber is to wear a sleep apnea mask.  0

Side Effects

When compared to sexual dysfunction, constipation and an irregular heartbeat, depression doesn’t seem so bad.

In this thriller, however, the worst side effect of antidepressant medication is murder.

When Emily (Rooney Mara) kills her husband (Channing Tatum), while on a new drug that Dr. Banks (Jude Law) had just prescribed, his career, family and reputation are completely destroyed.

Convinced that Emily is not as unbalanced as her previous shrink (Catherine Zeta-Jones) had implied, Dr. Banks sets out to clear his good name.

As he exhumes the truth, he is made privy to a plot that will not only send shockwaves through the pharmaceutical community but also the stock exchange.

A timely and enticing capsule comprised of a convincing cast, a well-paced plot and skilled direction from Steven Soderbergh, Side Effects is an easy pill to swallow.

However, if you still desire a prescription for an effective antidepressant, just fake glaucoma.  0

***Lowering the Barbiturates***

Valley of the Dolls

  

A lot less people would be inclined to take antidepressants if they only came in the form of suppositories.

Since they don’t, the girlfriends in this drama pop'em by the handful.

At different points in their careers, fashion model Anne (Barbara Parkins), movie star Neely (Patty Duke), and girl next door Jennifer (Sharon Tate) each become addicted to polychromatic prescription pills colloquially referred to as “dolls”.

Anne takes her dolls to cope with her cheating husband (Paul Burke); Neely needs them for her ego and; Jennifer pops them for depression.

But the highs don’t last and soon all three women must face an array of consequences, from breast cancer to suicidal to psychotic breakdown.

Based on the best seller by Jacqueline Susann, this salacious cautionary tale relies on gratuitous sex and sentimental twaddle to compensate for a flaccid script.

Furthermore, the real pills corrupting young women in the 1960s were the contraceptive kind.

 He’s a Side Affectionate. He’s the…

Vidiot

  

   

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Tightening his Beltane. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 24, 2013

Pagan churches are clothing optional. First up…

Beautiful Creatures

To tell if witches have moved into your neighbourhood just look for the drum circle of topless menopausal women wearing flower crowns.

Or in the case of this romance: a girl who can control the weather.

When Lena (Alice Englert) moves to a small town to live with her Uncle (Jeremy Irons) she’s pursued by her classmate, Ethan (Alden Ehrenreich).

Unabated by rumours of her Pagan practices Ethan persists to push forward; even after Lena confirms she’s a witch.

Furthermore, on her 16th birthday, she will either become evil like her mother (Emma Thompson) and cousin (Emmy Rossum) or break their Civil War curse.

Based on the YA novel, Beautiful Creatures has moments of brilliance; unfortunately, they’re at the expense of its derisory script and appalling performances.

Incidentally, sixteen is really the age when girls decide if they’re going to keep their baby, or leave it in the Walmart bathroom.  0

The Last Stand

The easiest way to get across the US/Mexican boarder undetected is inside of a Trojan horse piñata.

However, the escaped convict in this action movie opted for a high-performance vehicle.

When Cortez (Eduardo Noriega) is sprung from Federal custody (Forrest Whitaker), he kidnaps an agent (Génesis Rodríguez) and races towards the Mexican boarder in a supercharged sports car.

Meanwhile, Cortez’ crew invade an Arizona boarder town protected by a salt-and-pepper sheriff, Ray (Arnold Schwarzenegger), and his dimwitted deputies (Zach Gilford, Jaimie Alexander, Luis Guzmán).

When Ray gets word of the approaching fugitive, he enlists a shell-shocked Marine (Rodrigo Santoro) and a local gun-nut (Johnny Knoxville) to help take down Cortez’ cronies and prevent him from relocated.

Bombastic gunfights, graphic violence and crafty car chases, Schwarzenegger’s return is both candidly over-the-top and woefully archaic.

Furthermore, with Arizona's strict immigration law, an Austrian sheriff would’ve been deported back to Mexico years ago.  0

Parker

The best part of being a professional thief is that you can steal someone else’s taxes, file them and then write it off.

Mind you, it has probably been a while since the career criminal is this crime-caper has compensated the IRS.

Following a dramatic heist with a crew of strangers (Michael Chiklis Clifton Collins Jr., Michah Hauptman, Wendell Pierce), Parker (Jason Statham) is presented with a subsequent job.

Uninterested, he passes. That doesn’t sit well with the others, however, who leave him for dead.

But death doesn’t take, and Parker follows his former crew to their big score. There, he employs a down-and-out real-estate agent (Jennifer Lopez) to locate their hideout.

Based on the popular literary character, this is the most pedestrian and unrealistic version of Parker yet. Meanwhile, Lopez’ character is deadweight.

Furthermore, confronting your would-be killers ruins your chances of dressing like a ghost and haunting them.  0

***Cold Dish Washer***

Point Blank

When leaving someone for dead, it’s imperative that you leave a cardboard sign and loose change behind so pedestrians don’t help them.

However, the discarded victim in this thriller has been fleeced of all finances.

Following a high stakes heist, Walker’s (Lee Marvin) wife (Sharon Acker) and his partner (John Vernon) betray him. Leave him for dead. And take his share of the loot.

But the bullet doesn’t take and Walker - with help from his sister-in-law (Angie Dickinson) - tracks down his former cohort and extorts the whereabouts of his $93,000.

To retrieve his dues, Walker must locate The Organization (Carroll O'Connor, Keenan Wynn), a criminal cabal ripe with treachery.

The definitive film adaptation of Donald E. Westlake’s hard-boiled Parker character, Point Blank captures the surreal tumult and the out of control carnage associated with payback.  

And in the long run, $93,000 to get rid of a cheating wife isn’t bad. 

He's a Revengineer. He's the...

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