Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's a Meth-head Actor. He's the...

Vidiot

Week of November 25, 2011

I literally chew the scenery. First up...

Super 8

Although technology's made it easier for young filmmakers to bring their vision to life, without product placement they’ll never have a hit.

Case in point: the movie being filmed by the teenagers in this sci-fi film.

After his mother’s death, Joe (Joel Courtney) finds solace assisting his friend (Riley Griffiths) with his 8mm movie.

However, while shooting exterior scenes at night, the crew captures images of a train derailment and a creature fleeing from the wreckage.

Now, with strange occurrences transpiring around town, it’s up to the deputy (Kyle Chandler) to locate the monster before the military lays waste to his jurisdiction.

With a superlative cast of up-and-coming actors, Super 8 starts as a thrilling mystery, but, by the end, is nothing more than a trite extraterrestrial tale.

Besides, if the kids really wanted to make a viral video, then they should’ve got footage of the alien ghost-riding his UFO.  0   

Conan the Barbarian

The best part of wielding a broadsword is that, no matter what the size of the envelope, you’ll have no problem opening it.

And while the savage in this fantasy film doesn’t use his blade to open letters, he does use it to open his enemies.

Born in battle, Conan (Jason Momoa) is raised by his father (Ron Perlman) to be a warrior.

But when a warlord (Stephen Lang) looking to resurrect his dead wife using a magical mask slays his father, Conan vows revenge.

Meanwhile, the despot and his daughter (Rose McGowan) seek out a pure blood to unleash the mask’s power. 

With a splintered storyline that strains under the weight of dreadful acting, Conan the Barbarian is a slapdash adaptation of Robert E. Howard’s anti-hero.

Unfortunately, when body-builders see the type of muscle mass that can be gained from barbarism, they’ll likely add rape to their workout routine.  0 

The Devil's Double

Political figures that are looking for an impersonator, should use an SNL cast member - not only are they spot-on, but no one will mind if they’re assassinated.

Unfortunately, for the dead-ringer in this drama, the dictator he resembles is looking locally for his double.

When an Iraqi citizen, Latif (Dominic Cooper), with a striking similitude to Uday (Dominic Cooper), the eldest son of Saddam Hussein (Philip Quast), is asked to service as Uday’s political decoy, he refuses.

Latif quickly learns, however, that you don’t say no to the sadistic son of a dictator.

Forced to emulate and pal around with the unhinged heir, Latif’s restraint is pushed to its limits as he watches Uday murder and rape whomever he pleases.

With two superb performances from Dominic Cooper, The Devil’s Double is an explicit, stylistic, overblown masterpiece.

Thankfully, for American politicians, their country is full of crazy, old, white look-a-likes. 0

Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D

When you’ve got two active adolescent agents in your home, you’ve got to ensure you have plenty of Flintstones Cyanide Pills on hand.

Fortunately, the step mom in this family adventure is an ex-intelligencer.

Trading in her cloak and dagger for diapers, femme fatale turned housewife Marissa (Jessica Alba) is called back into action after the villainous Timekeeper (Jeremy Piven) begins to steal time.

But when the Timekeeper targets her stepchildren (Rowan Blanchard, Mason Cook), Marissa must divulge her past, which ultimately leads to their tutelage under a former Spy Kid (Alexa Vega).

Now, the new recruits and their robot dog (Ricky Gervais) must stop the Timekeeper before it's too late.

The fourth installment of the Spy Kids franchise, All the Time in the World is a fart infused, infantile, chroma keyed atrocity. 

Besides, as an undercover child agent, wouldn’t most of your assignments involve you luring in online predators?  0

***Bra-barian*** 

Red Sonja

Contrary to popular belief, women do utilize sharp blades for more things than just slicing off penises and stabbing their besties in the back.

For example, the buxom broadsword-wielding babe in this fantasy film.

When a malevolent queen (Sandahl Bergman) murders her family, young Sonja (Brigitte Nielsen) vows revenge.

After years of training with cold-hard steel, she finally gets her chance at retribution when she learns of how the queen who killed her clan has just purloined a powerful orb.

Unfortunately, in order to defeat the queen’s forces, she must put aside her hatred towards men, and enlist one (Arnold Schwarzenegger).  

Based on the red-haired warrior woman conceived by Robert E. Howard, Red Sonja is a silly sword and sorcery script with over-the-top performances from both muscle-bound leads.

As for her best battle manoeuvre: when it's Sonja’s time of the month, she tricks her enemies into thinking she’s injured.

He's a Salad Barbarian. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Out of Workaholic. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of November 18, 2011

Daytime belongs moms, their newborns and seniors. First up…

Larry Crowne

Nowadays, anyone with a high school education can get a well-paying job with benefits…in 1966.

Unfortunately, the unemployed veteran in this dramedy doesn’t have access to a time machine.

Due to a lack of post-secondary education, Larry (Tom Hanks) is let go from his job at the local U-mart.

After some soul-searching he decides to enroll in community college. There, he becomes acquainted with his younger classmates, who initiate him into their scooter gang.

Meanwhile, Larry’s love life picks up when his married teacher (Julia Roberts) becomes available.

Amidst all his socializing, Larry must also procure employment and save his home from foreclosure.

Lacking both the illumination and the laughs required to be anything more than a million-dollar ad campaign for continuing education, Larry Crowne fails.

However, going back to school in your 40s does makes sense, because after working for 20 years, you can finally afford to pay tuition.  0

***Architechnical*** 

The Fountainhead

Architects may build schools and hospitals, but they also erect vile things like legitimate massage parlors and non-denominational churches.

And while the draftsman in this drama designs some strange structures, he’s got no use for a tolerate god or a rub and tug.

Tired of dealing with the animosity his non-conformist architectural feats attract, rigid engineer, Howard Roark (Gary Cooper), opts to work in a quarry instead of compromising his vision.

While cracking rocks, he meets a socialite Dominique (Patricia Neal). The two are later reacquainted when Roark returns to the city for a new project.

But when the financiers start altering his blueprints, Roark takes drastic actions against his own construct - with Dominique’s assistance.

Based on Ayn Rand’s tale of the individual vs. the collective, The Fountainhead is a remarkable adaptation, superbly shot and finely acted.     

And while individualism may work when designing a building, it doesn’t during its construction.

He's an Anti-Socialist. He's the...

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He’s a Vet Fighter. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of November 11, 2011

They died for your mustachio. First up…

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

Graduating from wizardry school isn’t that different than graduating conventional high school, except that their convocations are conducted skyclad.

And while ritual nudity is largely ignored in this fantasy film, the future does weigh heavily on the minds of this student body.

Commencing where part 1 left off, part 2 finds Harry (Daniel Radcliffe), Hermione (Emma Watson) and Ron (Rupert Grint) searching for shards of Voldemort’s (Ralph Fiennes) soul.

Eventually ending up back at Hogwarts, which is now under the jurisdiction of Severus Snape (Alan Rickman), Harry enlists his classmates to help defend the school from Lord Voldemort’s hordes gathering outside the hallowed halls of Hogwarts.

The definitive chapter of the film adaptations of the popular books, HP7 pt. 2 wraps things up nicely: giving long-time fans closure and long-time holdouts an exhilarating ending.

Unfortunately, now that the movies are over, we’re gonna have to endure eight Broadway musical versions.  0

The Change-Up

When someone swaps their identity with their best friend, it usually means they killed them and assumed their name.

However, in this comedy, both best friends have exchanged lifestyles.

When responsible, hardworking Dave (Jason Bateman) gets together with his single, slacker, friend Mitch (Ryan Reynolds) he vents about his passionless marriage and his yearning for the single life.

Later, while urinating into a fountain, Dave’s wish to switch lives with Mitch comes true. 

Now, the two friends get to see how green the grass is on the other side, while trying not to complicate each other’s careers or relationships (Leslie Mann, Olivia Wilde).

A raunchy rendition of the standard body swap storyline, The Change-Up doesn’t have enough genuinely funny gags to sustain its hackneyed plot.

And while the debate over single vs. married life continues to wage, there remains no argument over whether or not common-law couples will burn in Hell.  0

***3 Ringed Spellbinders***

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

Enrolling your child in wizardry school is favorable, since magic allows for unlimited class sizes, hobgoblin-instructors who really care, and a body length beard by year’s end.

Fortunately, for the kid in this fantasy film, he’s got legacy.

When he turns 11, Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) is spirited away by a representative (Robbie Coltrane) of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

En route to the institute, Harry comes upon two companions (Rupert Grint, Emma Watson), who join him in Hogwarts’ House of Gryffindor.

Amidst the supernatural syllabus, Harry and his friends must preclude a pilferer from pinching the Philosopher's Stone and using its power to resurrect the man who killed Harry’s parents.

With an unconventional premise and an exemplary all-British cast, this initial installment of the book series does a phenomenal job of translating Harry’s introductory adventure.  

Incidentally, it’s encouraging to see witches can live among children without eating them.

He Drives a Broomstick Shift. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's got One Foot in the Gravy. He’s the…

Vidiot

The week of 9 years (November 4, 2011)

Anniversaries are for those without Alzheimer’s. First up…

Crazy, Stupid, Love

The key to having a marriage built on trust, respect and love is to tie the knot on your deathbed.

Unfortunately, the couple in this dramedy decided to get married right out of high school.

Subsequent to an affair with her colleague (Kevin Bacon), Emily (Julianne Moore) decides to end her marriage to her high school sweetheart Cal (Steve Carell).

Forced from his home, Cal returns to the dating scene where he meets a hip, young, playboy, Jacob (Ryan Gosling), who shows him the ropes.

But when Hannah (Emma Stone), a feisty fawn he failed to conquer, re-enters his life, Jacob begins contemplating settling down.

All the while Carl and Emily’s children learn their own lessons about love.

A sharp, funny, timely romantic-comedy, Crazy, Stupid, Love cunningly weaves an unexpected and unconventional love story.

Despite the film's optimistic message, however, crazy, stupid, people should still not be allowed to procreate.  0

Water for Elephants

If you fall in love with the circus boss’ wife, it usually means you are into bearded woman.

Thankfully, in this love story, the ringmaster’s mistress is clean-shaven. 

Forced from his home following the death of his parents, Jacob (Robert Pattinson) hops a train in hopes of finding a new life, which he does, aboard a circus train.

Relying on the little veterinarian skills he has to remain germane, Jacob's hired by the hard-nosed owner, August (Christoph Waltz), to maintain his pachyderm star.

But when Jacob learns that August rules over his wife (Reese Witherspoon) the same way he lords over his animals, he soon plots an escape for her and himself.

Despite its obviousness love triangle, this adaptation of the popular novel has a thrilling backdrop and a ferocious performance from Christoph Waltz.

As for animal cruelty in circuses, it needs to stop...and be re-directed upon the clowns.  0 

Cars 2

Great, now that cars can talk, we’re going to need to draft up another distracted driver bylaw.

Wait a minute! There are no humans in this animated movie to enforce such an edict.

Returning home after a long stint on the racing circuit, Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) gets reacquainted with his dim-witted tow-truck friend, Mater (Larry the Cable Guy). 

But their reunion is short-lived, seeing as Lightning’s been invited to the World Grand Prix.

Fortunately, he can bring a guest. Unfortunately, it’s Mater, who inadvertently becomes embroiled with two spies (Michael Caine, Emily Mortimer) trying to thwart a power move by history’s worst selling cars.

When it comes to the animation, all of the Pixar earmarks are present. But when it comes to the Mater-centric story, and espionage sub-plot, Cars 2 gets lost.

Besides, who wants to watch a movie where the cars all have better jobs than you do?  0

***Slide-Show Freak***

Dumbo

While human beings runaway to join the circus, wild animals, on the other hand, are more inclined to run away from the circus.

Either way, the elephant in this cartoon had no choice as to where he would grow-up.

Delivered to a travelling circus via stork, Dumbo, a pint-sized pachyderm with over-sized ears, becomes the target of cruel circus goers.

Defending her son’s honour, Mrs. Jumbo strikes out at the taunting youths, which lands her in isolation, and Dumbo all alone.

Luckily, he meets a motivated mouse (Edward Brophy) that shows him the ropes of big-top living and helps him realize the true potential of his unfortunate, yet aerodynamic, attributes.

Though it is considered to be one of Disney’s saddest cartoons, Dumbo is also one of its most inspiring.

So, if you have a physical deformity like Dumbo, rest assured: There’ll always be a place for you in the circus.

He’s the Elephant Man in the Room. He’s the…

Vidiot

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As the world draws closer to annihilation, next year also marks the 10th anniversary of The Vidiot. Are the two connected? Can the answer to our survival be found within his poorly written reviews? Is the Vidiot an ancient alien with a Netflix subscription? Find out in 2012. For the time being, please wince at the first-ever installment of...

 The Vidiot 

Uncut. Unedited. Unscrupulous.

From his greasy hands to your boring Weekend.........It's time for the Vid Idiot.

The week of November 5, 2002

Whoa,Whoa!!!! Let me catch my breath. Jeez after last weeks Debut (Debiew. if your french) of that Wacky wall crawler Spider-Man, I'm worn out. And now it's, mid-to-almost over, of the end of this week and the New Arrivals are straggling...

1. For the Ladies: The Divine Ya-Ya-Ya Fucking Sisterhood shit, some club or gang ....... Didn't see it.

2. for the gents: It's a toss up in-between the full dvd mini series of the hit war drama "Band of Brothers" or "Ghetto Dawg".... Represent, Yo.

3. for all the "art crowd"- there's "the dangerous lives of alter boys", a hokey piece of coming of age story about two best friends who pull pranks and stuff on, mean old Jodie Foster the nun at the catholic school. The idea was there, but for some reason it made me want to eat fuck.

If you like quirky, "stand by me", "oh, no! My best friend got eating by a tiger, bull shit movies; then it's right up your alley. For me the coming of age movie genre ended with Ghost World. All that follow are just crap.

**************PICK OF THE WEEK********

Nothing buffers nicely between Spider-Man and Attack of the Clones then PUMPKIN a quirky, comedy about sorority sister Christina Ricci falling in love with the retarded boy she is mentoring; to win best sorority on campus.

If you like "heathers," with a dash of "legally blonde". It's a fun movie with some serious under tones and great moody music. I liked it so much I even paid for the late without whining.

The only bad thing I've heard bad about it came from Stephen McLean who said "there weren't enough "real" retarded people in it."

Hey if that's the only bad thing you can say about a movie, then it must a pretty good fucking movie.

                 'Til next time my greasy hand touches your soft skin in a sales transaction.......... I'm the Vid Idiot