Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Ruthless Kingmaker. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of March 27, 2015

Servants receive royalty checks. First up…

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

With its eclectic array of species, Middle-earth must have way more washroom options than just men, women and handicapped.

However, this fantasy film doesn’t deal much with loo classifications.

After Bard the Bowman (Luke Evans) dispenses with the gold-hoarding dragon guarding Lonely Mountain, Thorin (Richard Armitage) and his followers reclaim the former dwarf stronghold.

Unwilling to share his riches, Thorin holes up in his keep as armies of Orcs, Elves (Orlando Bloom, Evangeline Lilly) and dwarves amass outside.

Now it’s up to the Hobbit (Martin Freeman) to convince the crazed king to fight for Middle-earth.

The final installment of The Hobbit trilogy, this third entry feels unnecessarily drawn-out and over digitized.

The final battle, although epic, is redundant in comparison to Lord of the Rings, which this prequel has referenced ad nauseam since the outset.

Incidentally, with the ingot-obsessed dragon gone the Middle-earth Olympic committee can award gold medals again.  Yellow Light

Interstellar

The hardest part of finding a habitable planet is finding one that hasn’t already been ravaged by humans.

Fortunately, the astronauts in this sci-fi film are hominids so they know where not to look.

NASA approaches former employee Cooper (Matthew McConaughey) to pilot a spacecraft carrying scientists (Anne Hathaway, Wes Bentley) and robots that will enter a wormhole to recover lost data that could lead to a new home world.

On the expiring Earth, Coop’s grown children (Jessica Chastain, Casey Affleck) struggle with the realization their father isn’t returning for them.

From the remarkable mind of co-writer/director Christopher Nolan, Interstellar is a stunning space epic that perfectly balances heart-pounding action and cerebral stimulation.

A love story as much as a survival story, Interstellar travels light-years to find humanity.

However, telling your kids you’re going out for cigarettes is a less complicated way of ditching them than some lame wormhole excuse.  Green Light

Into the Woods

Singing in the woods is an excellent way to ward off bears and horny wild men.

Mind you, the melodies in this musical are there to convey emotions.

The Witch (Meryl Streep) that cursed his family promises to reverse it if the Baker (James Corden) and his wife (Emily Blunt) bring her a cow, a cape, some hair and a slipper.

So they head into the woods where they meet Jack (Daniel Huttlestone), Red Riding Hood (Lilla Crawford), Cinderella (Anna Kendrick) and Rapunzel (MacKenzie Mauzy), all of who possess an item.

But each mark is experiencing a personal crisis and the duo are entangled in each ordeal.

With its capable cast, familiar fairy tale themes and subversive lyrics, this Disney adaptation of the stage show will please musical fanatics but likely bore those who prefer dialogue.

Unfortunately, unlike the Broadway musical, movie audiences cannot get on stage and sing along.  Yellow Light

***Black Hole-in-the-Wall Gang***

The Black Hole

The reason no human has travelled through a black hole is for fear the parallel universe on the other side doesn’t have free Wi-Fi.

This may explain why the spacecraft in this sci-fi film remains on the rim of a black hole.

Returning to Earth after an exploration mission, the crew (Anthony Perkins, Robert Forster, Ernest Borgnine, Joseph Bottoms, Yvette Mimieux) of the USS Palomino encounters the disable USS Cygnus circling a black hole.

Boarding the vessel, the crew and their robot (Roddy McDowall) are greeted by Dr. Reinhardt (Maximilian Schell) and his sentry Maximilian.

The mystery over Cygnus’ missing crew, however, becomes obvious when Reinhardt reveals his plans to enter the space anomaly.

Disney’s unsuccessful foray into the bourgeoning space opera genre of the late-seventies, The Black Hole is vastly underrated and unjustly maligned despite its groundbreaking concepts.

Nonetheless, black holes remain the best place to hide incriminating evidence.

He’s an Imitation Crab Nebula. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Non-Prophet Organization. He’s the…

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Week of March 20, 2015

Moses had the first tablet. First up…

 

Exodus: Gods and Kings

With a reputation for creating colossus waves and world-ending floods it’s possible God is a surfer.

And while he doesn’t hang ten in this drama, he does materialize as a child.

Raised alongside the Pharaoh’s son, Ramesses II (Joel Edgerton), Moses (Christian Bale) has a privileged life unaware he’s a Hebrew like the slaves constructing the pyramids.

When this is divulged, he is cast out. But on the orders of God Moses returns to free the slaves, and escort them to the promise land.

The newly crowned Pharaoh, however, isn’t about to let that happen.

Hard to take serious but harder to hate, director Ridley Scott manifests a stark and bleak depiction of the Exodus.

As ostentatious as other adaptations but with modern pacing, enhanced special effects and refined acting, Gods and Kings is a well-intentioned successor.

Incidentally, after the Israelites left, the incomplete pyramids were contracted out to aliens.  Yellow Light

Annie

The key to getting adopted from a foster home is dressing up like a sad puppy on visitor day.

Mind you, the foster kid in this musical doesn’t have to wear a furry get-up to get parents.

     

When 10-year-old Annie (Quvenzhané Wallis) is auspiciously pulled from harm’s way by cell-phone magnet and mayoral candidate Will Stacks (Jamie Foxx), he convinces her to hangout with him as a means of boasting his public standing.

Strictly business at first, Stacks eventually warms to the new addition in his life.

However, Annie’s jealous den mother (Cameron Diaz) isn’t about to let her have any happiness.

Taking great liberties not only with the songs tempos but also much of the lyrics, this modernization of the 1930s radio heroin has been corrupted by political incorrectness and turned into a sterile, materialist, amateurish cash grab.

Besides, rich people only adopt orphans for their blood’s anti-aging properties.  Red Light

Penguins of Madagascar

Penguins make terrible soldiers because they naturally want to hatch every enemy grenade they see.

Thankfully, there are no exploding penguin nests in this animated movie.

A pack of military inspired penguins, Skipper (Tom McGrath), Kowalski (Chris Miller), Rico (Conrad Vernon) and Private (Christopher Knights), are abducted by a highly intelligent octopus, Dave (John Malkovich), who is intent on transforming penguins everywhere into hideous monsters.

However, a legitimate group of animal agents (Benedict Cumberbatch, Ken Jeong, Peter Stormare, Annet Mahendru) are already on Dave’s trail and the bumbling foursome are only getting in their way.

A spin-off of the Madagascar series, this penguin-centric feature has more belly laughs than the mediocre trilogy combined.

Brightly animated, with endless chase scenes and lowbrow but entertaining zingers throughout, this madcap outing will only appeal to hyperactive children and immature adults.

Incidentally, the only way to defeat zoo penguins is with a panda exhibit.  Green Light

***Pyramid Scheme***

The Prince of Egypt

The worst time find out that you are Jewish is at a pig roast.

Thankfully, the Israelite in this animated movie wasn’t near pork when informed of his birthright.

Despite being found in a basket, the orphan Moses (Val Kilmer) was raised by the Pharaoh as Rameses II (Ralph Fiennes) brother.

But when Moses learns from his biological sister (Sandra Bullock) that he’s actually Hebrew, like the Pharaoh’s slaves, he flees Egypt and becomes a shepherd.

When God orders him to return and free the slaves, Moses leaves his flock and guides thousands of Jews through the desert.

A rare animated account of the Exodus this lavishly rendered interpretation is impeded by its unnecessary and uninspiring musical numbers.

Devoid of mirth, Prince of Egypt’s graphic nature may be faithful to the times but too frightening for young viewers.

Mind you, it is surprising to learn that God sings falsetto.

He’s a Burning Bush Pilot. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Historical Caricature. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of March 13, 2015

The past is where the present goes to die. First up…

 

Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb

Trapped in a museum that comes to life is only pleasurable if that museum is in Amsterdam’s red-light district.

Sadly, the lively gallery in this comedy is found in London, England.

When the enchanted Egyptian tablet that brings New York’s Museum of Natural History to life every night goes on the fritz, Larry (Ben Stiller), his son and some exhibits (Robin Williams, Owen Wilson, Steve Coogan, Rami Malek) go to the British Museum to speak to it’s architect (Ben Kingsley).

But a sentient wax statue of Sir Lancelot (Dan Stevens) steals the tablet to impress King Arthur.

With a bevy of old and new characters to distract from the schmaltzy father/son moments, this final installment of the amiable and awkwardly educational series is a fitting, and often funny, bookend to this middling franchise.

Incidentally, if you ever want to make-out with celebrities just take the tablet to a Madame Tussauds.  Yellow Light

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Top Five

Hardest part of being a celebrity is coming up with excuses as to why being a celebrity is hard.

Luckily, the movie star in this comedy has typecasting to blame from his arduous existence.

Disinterested in playing the character that made him famous, former stand-up Andre Allen (Chris Rock) stars instead in a drama about a Haitian revolutionary.

The week of its release, a writer (Rosario Dawson) accompanies him as he visits family and friends, revealing insight into his sobriety and pending marriage to a reality TV star (Gabrielle Union) along the way.

But a growing attraction between the interlocutors threatens the heavily publicized nuptials.

Written and directed by Chris Rock, Top Five is a respectable debut.

With non-stop cameos and off-colour commentary on everything, Rock mimics his onstage act with ease but overdoes it on deriding public sentiment.

Besides, being a rich stand-up comedian means you can bribe hecklers. Yellow Light

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Whiplash

Being the drummer means being out of range of beer bottles the audience throws at your band.

However, the audience attending performances in this drama are more apt to lob wine glasses.

Determined to be a great musician like his idols, Andrew (Miles Teller), a freshmen drummer enrolled in the Shaffer Conservatory’s Jazz program, accepts a spot on the studio band.

But the ensemble’s abusive conductor (J. K. Simmons) abruptly dissolves any dreams Andrew had of glory.

Discouraged by his teacher’s exacting and insulting nature, Andrew is pushed to his physical and emotional edge.

The caustic couple later climaxes onstage where each humiliates the other in order to achieve their best.

With intense, inspired performances from both leads, breakneck editing, and an unrelenting rhythm permeating throughout, Whiplash is a fresh, in-your-face, approach to weary mentor/mentee movie clichés.

Furthermore, drum solos are the ideal time to go to the washroom.  Green Light

***Soundtrack Marks***

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Lady Sings The Blues

The thing that makes jazz musicians different from other musicians is they do their drugs before they perform.

In fact, the singer in this drama did drugs constantly.

Abused by men most her life, Billie Holiday (Diana Ross) abandons the brothel where she works for a nightclub where she accompanies the piano player (Richard Pryor).

Her unique voice quickly attracts a suitor (Billy Dee Williams) as well as A&R types who sign her to a radio tour.

Being on the road, however, only exposes Billie to the racial inequality crippling the country and the intravenous drug that will eventually enslave her.

With Diana Ross’ captivating performance as Billie both on and off the stage, this 1972 adaptation of Holiday’s own biography is a heartbreaking account of her arduous life and untimely demise.

And while drug use in Jazz may still be rampant no one cares enough to check.

He’s a Strumpet Player. He’s…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Despot Remover. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of March 6, 2015

A spike in pitchfork sales isn’t a good sign. First up…

 

​

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1

The best business to be in during a rebellion is guillotine sales and maintenance.

Unfortunately, the rabble in this action movie can’t afford the extended warranty.

In the wake of her annihilation of the Hungry Games arena, Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) is escorted to District 13 where rebel leaders (Philip Seymour Hoffman, Julianne Moore) persuade her to become the spokesperson for the District-wide revolution her actions inspired.

With the Capitol in ruin, President Snow (Donald Sutherland) in hiding, and Peeta (Josh Hutcherson) imprisoned, Katniss - with help from the resistance (Natalie Dormer, Sam Claflin, Liam Hemsworth) - plots her friend’s rescue and her enemy’s execution.

The first instalment of the final entry in the series based on the novels, Mockingjay is the bleakest chapter to date.

While it ultimately feels incomplete, the acting and modern warfare analogies are certainly noteworthy.

However, the mascot for social unrest is already Freddy The Firebomb.  Yellow Light

 

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Foxcatcher

The goal of wrestling is to hold your crotch in your opponent’s face until they relent.

However, this drama contends its true purpose is to win gold.

John E. du Pont (Steve Carell), heir to the du Pont dynasty, convinces Olympic medalist Mark Schultz (Channing Tatum) to join his wrestling squad - with hopes of attracting his brother Dave (Mark Ruffalo) too.

While Dave holds out, Mark and the eccentric billionaire form a cocaine-fueled relationship.

When Dave does join the crew in their quest for World Championship gold, he’s stunned by du Pont’s inexperience and arrogance.

But Dave’s disrespect stirs something dark in du Pont.  

Without a doubt Carell’s performance is Foxcatcher’s preeminent feature, followed by the other leads and hair and make-up.

However, the actual murder gets lost in the meandering artistry.

Furthermore, the only way to kill a wrestler is with a bullet made from a folding chair.  Yellow Light

***Death Penalty Box***

 

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Rollerball (1975)

The upside to corporate sponsorship is no more arguments over what to name the new arena.

However, this sci-fi movie maintains commercial backing in sport is detrimental.

In 2018, big business has replaced war with an equally bloody diversion called Rollerball.

But when the reigning rollerball champ, Jonathan (James Caan), refuses to retire as per the league’s request, the head of the Energy Corporation (John Houseman) manipulates the rules of rollerball in hopes that an opponent will kill the veteran skater.

As the risk increases so too does Jonathan’s determination to topple the privileged plutocracy.

An effective account of a corporate run society, this adaptation of a dystopian short story still stands as a shining example of man versus materialism. And while the violence may seem tame, the message is anything but.

Thankfully, we live in a world where corporations have absolutely no influence over the winner of Bud Bowl.

He’s the Chief Executive Offensive Linebacker. He’s the…

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