Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Fright Attendant. He’s the…

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Week of February 1, 2013

Would you like tea or coffin? First up…

Hotel Transylvania

One of the perks to staying in a hotel for monsters is those tiny bottles of virgin blood they leave in your bathroom.

However, owning an inn for inhumans, like the one in this animated feature, holds absolutely no benefit.

Built by Dracula (Adam Sandler) as a refuge from civilization, Hotel Transylvania hosts hordes of horrordoms most screamed names, from Wolf Man (Steve Buscemi) and Frankenstein (Kevin James) and their wives (Molly Shannon, Fran Drescher) to the Invisible Man (David Spade) and the Mummy (Cee Lo Green).

But when a human (Andy Samberg) shows up, Dracula must not only keep him away from his guests, but also his rebellious daughter (Selena Gomez).

With more song and dance than these legendary characters should be performing, Hotel Transylvania sucks the scare out of these abominations and replaces it with flatulence.

Nonetheless, there’s probably fewer murders here than at an actual hotel in Transylvania.  0

Paranormal Activity 4

If ghosts only knew the amount of hits they could generate on Youtube if they just stopped scaring people and started pranking them.

Instead, the apparitions in this horror movie are happy with their horrifying home-recordings.

Five years after the demonically possessed Katie (Katie Featherston) kidnapped her nephew, she reappears as the neighbour of a Nevada family with a teenage daughter, Alex (Kathryn Newton), and an adolescent son Wyatt (Aiden Lovekamp).

But when Wyatt begins hanging out with Katie’s son Robbie (Brady Allen) strange things start happening in Wyatt’s house.

With the house rigged with cameras, Alex and her boyfriend (Matt Shively) monitor the nightly visitations of a shadowy figure attempting to take possession of Wyatt.

Haunted by a myriad of missed opportunities, this tedious third installment lacks the unpredictable jolts that have kept the series alive thus far.

Besides, capturing phantoms on camera isn’t that complicated since ghosts pioneered photobombing.  0

***Dead and Breakfast***

Transylvania 6-5000

Flights to Transylvania are typically the only ones that airlines will allow passengers to carry wooden stakes and guns loaded with silver-bullets on.

Unfortunately, the tabloid reporters on assignment in this horror-comedy only packed their flash bulb camera.

After their ornery editor (Norman Fell) comes in contact with video documentation of Frankenstein, he sends his goof-off son Gil (Ed Begley Jr.) and a hardnosed newsman Jack (Jeff Goldblum) to the Romanian countryside.

Once in Transylvania, Jack and Gil encounter a gypsy who encourages their investigation.

Digging deeper, they come across an unhinged physician (Joseph Bologna) determined to socialize the creatures he created in his experiments, including a werewolf, a sea-monster and a vivacious vampire (Geena Davis).

A saucy send-up of classic horror archetypes, this screwball comedy is highlighted by some great comedic performances and adult oriented humour.

Incidentally, tabloids today would only be interested in monsters caught without their makeup.

He’s an Underwear Wolf. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Under Arresting. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 25, 2013

The only cops you can trust are Internal Affairs. First up…

End of Watch

The end of most police officers' watch is typically when they begin their bouncer gig at the local strip club.

During their downtime, however, the partners in this crime-drama make movies, and start families.

Brian (Jake Gyllenhaal) is an ex-Marine turned LAPD who is video documenting his and his partner Mike’s (Michael Peña) beat in South Central.

Off duty, Brian begins dating Janet (Anna Kendrick), while Mike and his wife work on their second child.

While on patrol the pair uncover a human trafficking ring, which makes them the target of a Latino gang hired by the traffickers.

A composite of found-footage from Brian’s vlog and the gang-bangers personal camcorder, End of Watch is an authentic look at police duty - it’s pluses and pitfalls.

Unfortunately, the flip-flopping footage is confusing and the ending is kind of racist.

Besides, once cops have cameras then they'll want grips and gaffers too.  0

The Paperboy

In the news business these days, the job of paperboy is almost as unheard of as the position of fact checker.

In the summer of 1969, however, delivering newspapers - as depicted in this crime-drama - was commonplace.

When his older brother Ward (Matthew McConaughey) - a journalist - returns home to exonerate death-row inmate Hillary Van Wetter (John Cusack), Jack (Zac Efron) falls for Charlotte (Nicole Kidman), the woman who hired Ward and his writing partner Yardley (David Oyelowo) to clear Hillary’s name.

While working on the article, both writers have shameful secrets revealed that threaten to end their investigation.

Elsewhere, Jack’s infatuation with his first love Charlotte causes him to put his brother in a precarious position with Hillary.

A monotonous mystery stained with seedy characters, sexual depravity and embarrassing performances, The Paperboy does not deliver.

Incidentally, the decrease in neighbourhood paperboys probably accounts for the drop off in B&E’s.  0

***Scene of the Crime Beat***

The Public Eye

Before snapping the shot, the key to hip crime photography is ensuring the victim is wearing Ray-Bans.

In the 1940s, however, fatalities had to be photographed wearing Bobby socks, like the ones in this crime-drama.

Known for his inexplicable ability to be at a crime scene minutes after occurring, photographer Bernzy (Joe Pesci) makes his scratch selling snaps to the rags.

One day a bar owner (Barbara Hershey) who claims she is being strong-armed by gangsters approaches Bernzy to find someone.

Blinded by his infatuation with her, he agrees.

But when that someone turns up dead, Bernzy becomes the prime suspect.

Inspired by a real-life crime photographer known for his prescient instinct, The Public Eye is a gritty crime-noir with sharp dialogue, shadowy backdrops, and a suspenseful script.

Incidentally, 1940s crime photographers make the worst fugitives since they always leave a trail of used flash bulbs in their wake.

He’s a Shutterbug Zapper. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Guttersniper. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 18, 2013

Are ransom demands tax deductable? First up…

 

Taken 2

The best thing about being abducted for a second time is that your pre-existing Stockholm syndrome will allow you to immediately bond with your captor(s).

However, the subsequent kidnapping in this action movie involves the parents of the previous victim instead.

Former CIA agent Bryan (Liam Neeson) meets up with his ex-wife Lenore (Famke Janssen) and their daughter Kim (Maggie Grace) in Turkey to sightsee.

But when the family of the men whom Bryan killed during Kim’s kidnapping months earlier find him and Lenore on a date, they take them hostage.

Now it’s Kim’s turn - under her dad’s directive - to wage a one-woman war against the armed abductors holding her parents captive.

Even though the violence remains rapid-fire, this initial continuation of the original lacks the same urgency, while the dialogue verges on sitcom-y.

Incidentally, what kind of idiot would ever want to hold a divorced couple hostage?  0 

The Possession

The only upside to being possessed by a demon is you can finally drive to work in the carpool lane.

Unfortunately, the vessel for evil in this horror movie isn’t old enough to drive.

While at a garage sale with his daughters, Em (Natasha Calis) and Hannah (Madison Davenport), weekend dad Clyde (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) buys Em a wooden box carved with Judaic writing.

Enamored with the sinister box, Em soon hears a hushed voice emitting from within.

Concerned with her behaviour, Clyde takes the box to an expert on Jewish demonology (Matisyahu) who informs him of the items evil inhabitant.

Meanwhile, the entity has Em under its spell, and is advising her to assault her mother (Kyra Sedgwick).

With an unorthodox item at the core of an unstable family environment, The Possession injects fresh subtext into a sluggish sub-genre. 

Plus, with Jewish demonic possession you get the Sabbath off.  0

Won’t Back Down

The hardest part about taking on a corrupt educational system is you having to raise your hand to ask permission to go to the washroom during talks.

However, the angry mothers in this drama are sans hall pass.

After noticing a lack of teaching at her daughter’s (Emily Alyn Lind) school, concerned parent Jamie (Maggie Gyllenhaal) confronts her daughter’s teacher.

Disturbed by the educator’s apathy, Jamie takes her issues to the principal (Bill Nunn), but to no avail.

While attending a progressive education seminar, Jamie spots a teacher, Nona (Viola Davis), from Malia’s school there.

Assuming an affinity for change, Jamie convinces Nona to help her take over the school.

A contrived concoction of real-life situations and Hollywood melodrama, Won’t Back Down is plagued by easy answers and self-righteousness indignation.

Besides, how are teachers supposed to teach kids math when they’re already busy potty-training and disciplining them for the parents?  0

***Class-size Warfare***

The Lottery

The only problem with a teacher-run school is that it is only open 10 months of the year.

Fortunately, the charter school depicted in this documentary is open all-year round.

Every year New York's Success Academy holds an admission sweepstakes for entrance into its prestigious halls.

Following hopefuls from Harlem and the Bronx as they vie for desks in the class-size controlled classrooms, viewers are edified on the grassroots movement away from teachers' unions, and the bureaucratic red tape of the public system.

With interviews with the movements most important members, like, Geoffrey Canada, founder of a school for underprivileged children in Harlem, The Lottery is as disheartening as it is enlightening.

While it is prejudiced against public schools, The Lottery's bias does expose the system's undeniable decay.

Incidentally, children should only be entered into school lotteries to see who gets to wear the classroom body armour this week.

He’s a Super-Attendant. He’s the…

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