The Vidiot's
Rear in Review
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Action
Green Lantern
Having your super-powers derive from a magical ring means that if you ever take it off to do the dishes, and it falls down the drain, your career is over.
The super hero in this action movie, however, doesn’t fear the consequences, or anything else.
When a dying alien from an intergalactic police force bestows Hal (Ryan Reynolds) with a special ring, he involuntarily becomes the first human member of the Green Lantern Corp.
Under the tutelage of the leader (Mark Strong) and other Lanterns (Geoffrey Rush, Michael Clarke Duncan), Hal learns to control the green-essence powered ring in hopes of defeating the fear-absorbing organism that killed his predecessor.
Thanks to a weak script and overblown effects, this cornball comic-book movie based on the DC Comics character is unable to transition from funny pages to feature film successfully.
Furthermore, having a colour in your codename really limits your wardrobe choices.
Comedy
The Dilemma
If you ever discover that your best friend’s wife is cheating on him, get her to bring your wife along next time, so that you can hangout with your buddy.
Unfortunately, the pal privy to the amorality of his chum’s chick in this comedy handles the information the wrong way.
While scouting the botanical gardens for his pending proposal, Ronny (Vince Vaughn) spots Geneva (Winona Ryder), the wife of his best friend Nick (Kevin James), kissing another man (Channing Tatum).
Displeased by this discovery, Ronny begins a campaign to expose Geneva. However, she tells Ronny that if he tells Nick anything, she will inform him about her and Ronny's shared past.
Touted as a comedy, The Dilemma delves into dark territory quickly, and stays there. That misdirection, paired with Vaughn’s standard smug shtick, manufactures an unmemorable mess.
Besides, the only appropriate action for this type of dilemma is extortion.
Romance
No Strings Attached
If there is no string attached, you must seek immediate medical attention, or you could suffer toxic shock.
Oops! Apparently, this is a romantic-comedy about two acquaintances deciding to engage in a sexual relationship sans emotions, and not a how-to on proper tampon remove.
After discovering his father is dating his ex, Adam (Ashton Kutcher) goes into a spiral.
While corkscrewing his way to the bottom, he’s reintroduced to a childhood crush, Emma (Natalie Portman).
Unwilling to date, Emma does agree to become his bed buddy – insisting that they call it off once one of them develops feelings for the other.
Needles to say, it’s not long until one reneges on their promise.
What might have been a sardonic statement on a seedy sexual scenario is instead a flatlinning facsimile of every other cliché-ridden rom-com.
Besides, there is more to relationships than just sex - there are also the loud arguments.
Horror
Dylan Dog: Dead of Night
On TV, the key to good paranormal detection is to blow arbitrary sounds completely out of proportion, whilst bathed in the murky glow of night-vision.
Thankfully, the supernatural dick in this horror movie leaves the scare tactics up to the monsters.
A retired mediator for the creatures of the night that populate New Orleans in disguise, private eye Dylan Dog (Brandon Routh) finds himself pulled back in to the shadows when a powerful vampire (Taye Diggs) threatens to reawaken an evil entity that will enslave humanity.
In addition to saving the world, and quelling a pending vampire war with the werewolves, Dylan must also prepare his recently bitten partner Marcus (Sam Huntington) for life as a zombie.
Based on the Italian comic book, Dylan Dog is a poorly acted, sadly crafted, schizophrenic hodge-podge of screwball comedy and low-rent horror.
Besides, all the dames that hire paranormal detectives have piranha-toothed vaginas.
Thriller
The Roommate
The best thing about a roommate is that their sleeping body will keep the axe-murderer who just broke into your house busy, while you escape.
Unfortunately, that plan doesn’t apply to situations wherein your roommate is the axe-murderer.
Sara’s (Minka Kelly) dream of becoming a fashion designer turns into a nightmare when her new college roommate Rebecca (Leighton Meester) becomes infatuated with her.
From entrapping Sara’s professor (Billy Zane), to physically attacking anyone, including Sara’s new boyfriend, who threatens to tear the two apart, Rebecca’s disturbed mind knows no bounds.
But it is not until she takes on the identity of Sara’s deceased sister that the frightened freshman fights back.
With its scarcity of scares and obvious aping of superior interpretations, this twenty-something take on the obsessive thriller does the generally entertaining genre a disservice.
Besides, if you want the real psycho college roommate experience, go to community college.
Animation
Mars Needs Moms
Apparently, the Red Planet requires irresponsible female teenagers with low self-esteem and no positive male role models in their life.
Oops, my mistake. It appears as though the caregivers that the creatures in this cartoon crave aren’t the current crop of teen moms but a more classic materfamilias archetype.
In dire need of maternal affection to fill their nanny-bots with, the Martians abduct human females and extract their essence.
The next in line to undergo this process is the mother (Joan Cusack) of Milo (Seth Dusky), who has stowed away on the alien spaceship.
Once on Mars, Milo, an alien agitator (Elisabeth Harnois) and a human tech-wizard (Dan Fogler), undertake a mission to rescue her.
Based on the children’s book, this motion capture adaptation elongates the narrative to ridiculous lengths with creepy character designs and dark themes.
Besides, if Martians want to kidnap parents without raising concerns...abduct deadbeat dads.
Sci-Fi
Battle: Los Angeles
The only foreseeable reason as to why invading aliens would choose to occupy the City of Angels is that its rampant wildfires remind them of their scorched home world.
Unfortunately, this sci-fi movie doesn’t divulge where they originated from; however, we do know they didn’t come in peace.
Arriving in LA, in the form of a meteorite, the well-armed aliens emerge from their transports, and quickly set about destroying humanity.
Assigned to the West Coast war zone, a grizzled army sergeant, Nantz (Aaron Eckhart), ends up leading a rag-tag team of soldiers and civilians (Michelle Rodriguez, Ne-Yo, Bridget Moynahan) in an all-out resistance against their enemy.
With a motive so pedestrian, a look so overworked, and an origin so vague, the aliens of this insipid spectacle are as vapid as their California captives.
Furthermore, an easier way for an alien race to enslave Angelenos would be to release a sex-tape.
Drama
Larry Crowne
Nowadays, anyone with a high school education can get a well-paying job with benefits…in 1966.
Unfortunately, the unemployed veteran in this dramedy doesn’t have access to a time machine.
Due to a lack of post-secondary education, Larry (Tom Hanks) is let go from his job at the local U-mart.
After some soul-searching he decides to enroll in community college. There, he becomes acquainted with his younger classmates, who initiate him into their scooter gang.
Meanwhile, Larry’s love life picks up when his married teacher (Julia Roberts) becomes available.
Amidst all his socializing, Larry must also procure employment and save his home from foreclosure.
Lacking both the illumination and the laughs required to be anything more than a million-dollar ad campaign for continuing education, Larry Crowne fails.
However, going back to school in your 40s does makes sense, because after working for 20 years, you can finally afford to pay tuition.
He's a Mayan Advent Calender. He's the...
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