Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's a Dumb Luck Charm. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of March 1, 2013

I just found a four-leaf horseshoe. First up…

The Master

It is unfortunate after saving the world from Hitler that service men returned home only to doom it by creating Baby Boomers.

Fortunately, the seaman in this drama has consumed enough torpedo fuel to sterilize himself.

Due to shell shock and his penchant for paint-thinner, Freddie Quell (Joaquin Phoenix) has a hard time adjusting to life after WWII.

But Freddie’s skill with mind-melting moonshine finds him in the company of Lancaster Dodd (Philip Seymour Hoffman), the founder of The Cause.

Welcomed to the movement, which includes Dodd’s wife (Amy Adams), Freddie becomes Dodd’s subject in psychological experiments.

But when Dodd’s dogma is doubted, Freddie’s faith in him is too.

With a volatile performance from Phoenix, this abnormal masterpiece is an absorbing assessment of a pseudo-religion and candid depiction of post-war America.

Incidentally, thanks to the vague teachings of “spirituality”, nowadays, people are no longer susceptible to cult-like religious movements. 0

Chasing Mavericks

Surfing is one of the few sports around that participants can actually urinate while performing.

Luckily, the young rider in this drama has an experienced boarder to teach him about creating that perfect warm spot.

After local surf legend Frosty (Gerard Butler) saves him from drowning Jay Moriarity (Jonny Weston) becomes obsessed with learning the long board like Frosty.

Years later, Frosty and Jay’s paths cross again. However, this time, Jay convinces Frosty to teach him how to surf the riotous waves breaking at the secret spot known as the Mavericks.

Along with Frosty’s unorthodox training methods, Jay must also contend with local bullies and his alcoholic mother (Elisabeth Shue).

Based on a true story, Chasing Mavericks lacks verve: the performances are flat, the story’s uninspiring and the surf scenes are subdued. 

Incidentally, the most important thing you can teach any young surfer is how to sing three part harmony.  0

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2

The worst thing about being a vampire is thinking that you don’t have to wear condoms anymore, and then finding out that you do.

It appears the young bloodsucker in this romance also learned that lesson too late.

Picking up where its predecessor left off, Part 2 finds Bella (Kristen Stewart) embracing both her new life as a vampire and her new daughter, Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy), with Edward (Robert Pattinson).

But when word of the half-human, half-vampire child reaches Aro (Michael Sheen), he and The Volturi come to claim her.

Joining in the battle against the vampire guild is Bella’s former shape-shifting beau (Taylor Lautner) who has formed a bizarre bond with Bella’s rapidly growing newborn.

Thanks to its pedophiliac love story and cop-out ending, the final chapter of this excruciatingly dreadful epic exceeds its forerunners’ worthlessness.

Besides, human/vampire hybrids aren’t new; they’ve been running the Republican Party for years.  0

***Hang Loose Morals***

Beach Party

Teenagers hang out at the beach because it gives them an excuse when their parents ask how they got crabs.

Fortunately for parents, the anthropologist in this comedy is studying the sexual habits of teenage beach bums.

Through his telescope, uptight Professor Sutwell (Robert Cummings) scrutinizes the mating rituals of the juveniles that frequent a local surf spot.

But when Sutwell defends a teen, Dolores (Annette Funicello), from a biker, Von Zipper (Harvey Lembeck), he makes himself Von Zipper’s main adversary.

Meanwhile, Sutwell is caught in a love triangle with his assistant (Dorothy Malone) and Dolores, whose spiteful boyfriend (Frankie Avalon) is now romancing a waitress (Ava Six).

With cameos from Vincent Price and surf-guitar legend Dick Dale, this seaside romp set the standard for all silly 1960s surf movies that came after.

As for kinky foreplay at the beach, just have your partner pretend a jellyfish stung their face.

He Puts his Goofy Foot in his Mouth. He’s the…

Vidiot

  

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's Nobody's Anti-Hero. He's the…

Vidiot

Week of February 22, 2013 

Rescue missions are a privilege not a right. First up…

Argo

A great way to make a fortune in the Middle East is to sell Zippos and American flags during anti-US protests.

However, the American in this thriller opted for saving hostages instead.

When embassy workers (Tate Donovan, Christopher Denham, Clea DuVall) take refuge at the Canadian delegation during the 1979 Iran Hostage Crisis, CIA extrication agent Tony Mendez (Ben Affleck) heads up the rescue mission.

Flummoxed by the lack of believable cover stories, Mendez sees the operation as a wash until he watches a sci-fi show that inspires him to use Tehran’s terrain as camouflage.

With help from Hollywood heavy weights (Alan Arkin, John Goodman), Mendez hopes to exit Tehran with the hostages masquerading as film crew-members.

Based on actual events, Argo is an exhilarating extraction anecdote with solid performances, intrepid direction and dark witticisms.

Nevertheless, it would be easier to smuggle the hostages back to America disguised as opium.  0

Anna Karenina

Even if you never read him, Tolstoy is good to have on your bookshelf in case you need to stop a bullet.

Unfortunately, this Tolstoy drama is on celluloid, so it’s not a good shield.

Anna Karenina (Keira Knightley) is wife and mother to the son of a powerful, but much older, politician (Jude Law).

While traveling to Moscow she falls in love with Alexi (Aaron Taylor-Johnson), a young count intended to court Anna’s sister-in-law Kitty (Alicia Vikander).

Unable to deny their passion, Anna and Alexi begin a torrid affair that results in a love child.

Meanwhile, Anna’s brother (Matthew Macfadyen) plays matchmaker to Kitty and his friend (Domhnall Gleeson).

A theatrical play within a film, the kaleidoscopic scenery in this adaptation of Tolstoy's tome is rewarding enough to overlook its tedious sub-plot and amoral leads.

Besides, separation in Russia means your ex can still fly drones over your airspace.  0

Sinister

The best thing about moving into a murder house is that the bloodstains let you know instantly where the throw rugs should go. 

Luckily, for the homeowners in this horror movie, the killings took place in the backyard.

Has-been writer Oswalt (Ethan Hawke) moves his family into a home where the daughter of the murdered residents went missing.

One day, Oswalt uncovers home movies in the attic that depict the gruesome murder of the girl’s family, as well as others.

On each reel Oswalt spots an ominous visage. Later learning that it’s the face of a demon that materializes through images of himself, and whisks children away to his twisted realm.

Swathed in eerie melodies, gut-churning imagery, and an affective jerk performance from Hawke, Sinister is one of the scariest movies in recent decades.

However, traveling through photos of one’s self means constantly appearing with drawn on moustaches and blacked-out teeth.  0   

***Rescue Missionary***

The Rescue

The best thing about leading a rescue mission to North Korea is you can openly discus it on the Internet and they’ll never know.

However, the Internet - prohibited or otherwise - did not exist at the time this action movie was filmed.

When their Navy SEAL fathers (James Cromwell, Timothy Carhart, Edward Albert) are imprisoned in North Korea for spying, Max (Marc Price), Shawn (Ned Vaughn), Adrian (Christine Harnos), Bobby (Ian Giatti) and J.J. (Kevin Dillon) adopt the Navy’s abandoned rescue plan for themselves.

Despite difficulties, the teens manage to reach their fathers. Then with a stolen military uniform and co-opted fireworks display, they implement a stunning jailbreak.

While the heroes of this 1988 adventure are improbable, their actions are inspiring and their methods are amusing.

But most touching of all is the fact that these teenagers didn’t just sneak into North Korea to borrow their dad’s car keys. 

He’s a Bargaining Chip off the Old Block. He’s the…

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