Be Please, Please Rewind

He’s a Lavatory Experiment. He’s the…

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Week of March 30, 2018

Science fiction is more entertaining than math fiction. First up…

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

The upside to being the last Jedi is that you no longer have to use the brown lightsaber.

Sadly, the final hope found in this sci-fi film doesn’t even know how to wield her weapon…yet.

While her friends in the Resistance (Carrie Fisher, Oscar Isaac, John Boyega, Laura Dern) attempt to deactivate a First Order device that can track their diminutive fleet through hyperspace, neophyte Rey (Daisy Ridley) seeks out exiled Jedi master Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) for training.

Her path eventually leads to her rival Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) and his master (Andy Serkis).

Although it comes embedded with embarrassing one-liners, questionable character arcs and a number of absurd scenes, this divisive - yet action-packed and expansive - installment in the space opera franchise is still far superior to its predecessor, The Force Awakens.

Incidentally, like all endangered species the last Jedi should be in a space zoo.  Yellow Light

Downsizing

The upside to company downsizing is the sudden availability of prime parking spots at the office.

However, this sci-fi comedy is applying the corporate buzzword to shrinking humans.

Scientists in an overpopulated future invent a way of decreasing mass to a diminutive stature so that tiny humans can live on less food. Down-on-his-luck Paul (Matt Damon) and his wife (Kristen Wiig) sign up for the irreversible procedure. 

But when his wife backs out at the last minute and files for divorce, the pintsized Paul is left to languish with the other single little people (Christoph Waltz, Udo Kier).

Highbrow director Alexander Payne’s sci-fi satire on the current state of our social, environmental and economical woes, this wonderfully rendered lampoon lacks decent laughs and a sufficient climax to justify its politicalized POV or its pricey SPFX.

Lastly, even though you’re relatively the same height as one, never date a praying mantis.  Red Light

***In Human***

Fantastic Voyage

Never store your shrink ray next to your groin area.

Smartly, the scientists in this sci-fi film are miniaturizing their entire anatomy.

During the Cold War, the US helps the inventor of a shrinking formula escape Soviet internment only to have him sustain a blood clot amid the getaway.

A team of surgeons (Donald Pleasence, Arthur Kennedy), their assistant (Raquel Welch), a pilot (William Redfield) and an agent (Stephen Boyd) must be reduced to microbial size and injected into the comatose man to save him.

With only an hour, the crew must defeat the body’s immune system and a saboteur before they embiggen.

With an inventive plot that's supported by extravagant set pieces of microscopic worlds and the weird organisms within, this visual landmark from 1966 also serves as a makeshift biology lesson thanks to its detailed designs.

Incidentally, Raquel Welch inside you is the opposite of most men’s fantasy.

He’s Subatomically Correct. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s in a Three-Legged Race Against Time. He’s the…

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Week of March 23, 2018

Board games are funnier in the dark. First up…

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

The worst thing about life in a video game is the strippers only accept Bitcoin.

Thankfully, the gamers in this adventure-comedy are miles from civilization.

Four high school archetypes get detention and accidentally end up in the jungle-themed role-playing video game Jumanji. Trapped inside of mirror opposite avatars (Dwayne Johnson, Jack Black, Kevin Hart, Karen Gillan) of themselves, the incongruous crew sets out to save the jungle nation by returning a stolen gemstone to the jaguar god.      

Unfortunately their quest is continuously hindered, not only by their old idiosyncrasies, but also by their new personality’s weaknesses and limited life span.

Riffing on video games as well as adolescent stereotypes and fears, this VR update of the 1995 dice game original is surprisingly fresh and funny thanks to its talented cast and playful script.

Yet without tiny game pieces to swallow you omit that game night tradition of visiting the ER.  Green Light

​

Pitch Perfect 3

Sadly, if you want to sabotage an a cappella group you have to slit a member’s throat.

Or, you can do what the rivals in this musical comedy do and play instruments.

Three years after their last performance, the dismantled Bellas (Brittany Snow, Anna Camp, Hailee Steinfeld) are reunified for a chance to perform in a USO show alongside DJ Khaled. But when he only wants Beca (Anna Kendrick) for his opening act, it divides the outfit.

Meanwhile, Fat Amy’s (Rebel Wilson) ex-con father (John Lithgow) lands the girls in hot water.

With its reunion plotline dependent yet again on a singing competition, this third entry in the pointless musical pageant is the absolute worst in the series, and unwatchable. This claim is exemplified by the inclusion of organized crime, military adverts and DJ Khaled’s acting to the mix.

Moreover, singing without a guitar is like fighting without an M16. Red Light

Call Me by Your Name

Homosexuality is the solution to the age-old toilet seat up/down debate.

A theory confirmed by the May-December lovers sharing a lavatory in this drama.

Noted bookworm and audiophile Elio (Timothée Chalamet) is forced to surrender his bedroom for the summer when Oliver (Armie Hammer), an archeology student of his father (Michael Stuhlbarg), comes to stay with his family at their countryside villa in Italy.

While he is initially hostile towards the older visitor he has to show around town, Elio eventually realizes that his unfriendly demeanor is just a way to disguise what he really feels. Fortunately, Oliver feels the same.

While it is a beautifully shot and wondrously acted adaptation of the coming-of-age erotica that completes director Luca Guadagnino’s desire trilogy, one cannot overlook the film’s blatant ephebophilia, its overly optimistic ending, or its marathon runtime.

Nevertheless, thanks to pepperoni, salami and sausage, Italy remains the origin of penis euphemisms.  Yellow Light

***Unwelcome to the Jungle***

Sorcerer

The funniest jungle game to play is: Who can eradicate the lost tribe first?

But a close second has to be transporting dynamite, like in this thriller.

In the jungles of Latin America, a hitman (Francisco Rabal), a Middle Eastern militant (Amidou), a fraudulent investor (Bruno Cremer) and a low-level thug running from the mob (Roy Scheider) are brought together for a suicide mission.

Out of sheer desperation, each marked man agrees to drive a truckload of dynamite through the rainforest to a nearby oilrig fire. Unfortunately, the dynamite is sweating explosive beads of nitroglycerin that will detonate at the slightest jar.

Even though this white-knuckle roller-coaster ride had mega redemption metaphors and an ethereal musical score by Tangerine Dream, Sorcerer’s ambiguous title helped it to be obscured by the sci-fi groundswell of 1977. 

Nonetheless, a dynamite truck in the seventies was less likely to explode than a Ford Pinto. 

He’s a Limbo Driver. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Amorally Superior. He’s the…

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Week of March 16, 2018

With great powers come great Youtube videos. First up…

Justice League

The best thing about having Superman on your team is that you don’t have to work so hard.

Unfortunately, the super-friends in this fantasy are down one Kryptonian.

In the wake of Superman’s (Henry Cavill) death the evil Steppenwolf (Ciarán Hinds) returns to reclaim three hidden artifacts that will allow him to transform Earth’s environment into a living Hell.

To prevent this from happening, Batman (Ben Affleck) and Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) recruit The Flash (Ezra Miller), Aquaman (Jason Momoa), and Cyborg (Ray Fisher) to help intercept the relics before Steppenwolf’s minions unite them.

The quasi-sequel to Batman v Superman, DC’s ensemble film featuring its flagship comic-book characters is as half-baked as its roster of metahumans. With no character development, a generic villain and embarrassing dialogue, this CGI laden actioner never stops to flesh out its one-dimensional story.   

Incidentally, recipients of Superman’s transplanted organs should stay out of direct sunlight.  Red Light

 

The Shape of Water

The upside to a having a fish-man on your superhero squad is they can unclog any toilet.

Surprisingly, the hybrid in this fantasy isn’t affiliated with any sequential art.

When a military colonel (Michael Shannon) arrives at a top-secret aquarium with a mysterious sea-creature in tow, mute cleaning lady Elisa (Sally Hawkins) is inexplicably drawn to the cryptic convict.

While she and her co-worker (Octavia Spencer) are warned not to interact with the army’s asset (Doug Jones), Elisa lunches with it anyways. When she learns of its imminent dissection, she enlists her neighbor (Richard Jenkins) and a scientist (Michael Stuhlbarg) to help free her new friend.

Steeped in classic monster movie ethos, writer/director Guillermo del Toro crafts beautifully shot fan fiction of the Creature from the Black Lagoon and, in the process, manages to make his crossover masterpiece.

The downside to dating a fish-man, however, is permanent shrinkage.  Green Light

 

The Disaster Artist

If making movies were easy the Hollywood elite would have no one to sexually assault.

Fortunately, the filmmaker in this dramedy is able to finance his feature sans studio.

Greg Sestero (Dave Franco) has a hard time coming out of his shell in acting class until he partners with nonconformist classmate, Tommy Wiseau (James Franco).

The independently wealthy Wiseau invites Greg to LA to peruse their acting dreams. When neither is successful, Wiseau writes a script for Greg, that he produces and directs. What Wiseau creates is considered to be one of the worst movies ever made.

Based on Greg’s book about the making of The Room, director James Franco takes a stellar treatment and turns it into a touching and comical recreation of the unbelievable events. Franco also does an uncanny job of portraying Wiseau.

Fortunately, nowadays when a movie is bad they just release it in 3-D.  Green Light

***Man of Steal***

The Invisible Man

Invisibility is the best superhero power because you don’t have to wear a spandex costume.

Regrettably, the unseen man in this horror-fantasy leans more to supervillain-y.   

Swathed in bandages, a cloaked traveler, Griffin (Claude Rains), checks into a remote English inn to conduct chemistry experiments undisturbed. When the belligerent border’s antics begin to disrupt the pub below, the innkeeper calls the coppers to evict their volatile visitor. But the Bobbies are unable to dislodge the lodger because they cannot see him.

Naked as a jaybird, and mad as a hatter, Griffin embarks on a killing spree.

Based on H.G. Wells’ groundbreaking novel, Frankenstein director James Whale undertakes the intangible challenge of bringing this imperceptible madman to life and - despite the annoying innkeeper’s wife – executes a masterful cinematic achievement in both visual and sound effects.

Moreover, the invisible man is easy to locate once the wolf man has his scent.

He’s a Freak of Nature Walk. He’s the…

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