Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s in a Three-Legged Race Against Time. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of March 23, 2018

Board games are funnier in the dark. First up…

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

The worst thing about life in a video game is the strippers only accept Bitcoin.

Thankfully, the gamers in this adventure-comedy are miles from civilization.

Four high school archetypes get detention and accidentally end up in the jungle-themed role-playing video game Jumanji. Trapped inside of mirror opposite avatars (Dwayne Johnson, Jack Black, Kevin Hart, Karen Gillan) of themselves, the incongruous crew sets out to save the jungle nation by returning a stolen gemstone to the jaguar god.      

Unfortunately their quest is continuously hindered, not only by their old idiosyncrasies, but also by their new personality’s weaknesses and limited life span.

Riffing on video games as well as adolescent stereotypes and fears, this VR update of the 1995 dice game original is surprisingly fresh and funny thanks to its talented cast and playful script.

Yet without tiny game pieces to swallow you omit that game night tradition of visiting the ER.  Green Light

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Pitch Perfect 3

Sadly, if you want to sabotage an a cappella group you have to slit a member’s throat.

Or, you can do what the rivals in this musical comedy do and play instruments.

Three years after their last performance, the dismantled Bellas (Brittany Snow, Anna Camp, Hailee Steinfeld) are reunified for a chance to perform in a USO show alongside DJ Khaled. But when he only wants Beca (Anna Kendrick) for his opening act, it divides the outfit.

Meanwhile, Fat Amy’s (Rebel Wilson) ex-con father (John Lithgow) lands the girls in hot water.

With its reunion plotline dependent yet again on a singing competition, this third entry in the pointless musical pageant is the absolute worst in the series, and unwatchable. This claim is exemplified by the inclusion of organized crime, military adverts and DJ Khaled’s acting to the mix.

Moreover, singing without a guitar is like fighting without an M16. Red Light

Call Me by Your Name

Homosexuality is the solution to the age-old toilet seat up/down debate.

A theory confirmed by the May-December lovers sharing a lavatory in this drama.

Noted bookworm and audiophile Elio (Timothée Chalamet) is forced to surrender his bedroom for the summer when Oliver (Armie Hammer), an archeology student of his father (Michael Stuhlbarg), comes to stay with his family at their countryside villa in Italy.

While he is initially hostile towards the older visitor he has to show around town, Elio eventually realizes that his unfriendly demeanor is just a way to disguise what he really feels. Fortunately, Oliver feels the same.

While it is a beautifully shot and wondrously acted adaptation of the coming-of-age erotica that completes director Luca Guadagnino’s desire trilogy, one cannot overlook the film’s blatant ephebophilia, its overly optimistic ending, or its marathon runtime.

Nevertheless, thanks to pepperoni, salami and sausage, Italy remains the origin of penis euphemisms.  Yellow Light

***Unwelcome to the Jungle***

Sorcerer

The funniest jungle game to play is: Who can eradicate the lost tribe first?

But a close second has to be transporting dynamite, like in this thriller.

In the jungles of Latin America, a hitman (Francisco Rabal), a Middle Eastern militant (Amidou), a fraudulent investor (Bruno Cremer) and a low-level thug running from the mob (Roy Scheider) are brought together for a suicide mission.

Out of sheer desperation, each marked man agrees to drive a truckload of dynamite through the rainforest to a nearby oilrig fire. Unfortunately, the dynamite is sweating explosive beads of nitroglycerin that will detonate at the slightest jar.

Even though this white-knuckle roller-coaster ride had mega redemption metaphors and an ethereal musical score by Tangerine Dream, Sorcerer’s ambiguous title helped it to be obscured by the sci-fi groundswell of 1977. 

Nonetheless, a dynamite truck in the seventies was less likely to explode than a Ford Pinto. 

He’s a Limbo Driver. He’s the…

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