Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Having a Hot Attack. He’s the…

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Week of July 29, 2011

Get me - 42 with a wind-chill...STAT! First up…

Source Code

Throwing yourself in front of a commuter train is the worst way to commit suicide since all of the delayed commuters now hate your guts, too.

Thankfully, the only lives extinguished in this sci-fi movie are the ones aboard the rapid transit system.

Waking on a Chicago-bound passenger train in the body of a stranger, U.S. Army helicopter pilot Stevens (Jake Gyllenhaal) is bewildered. His uncertainty, however, is abated when a bomb aboard the train detonates.

Later, Stevens is revived inside of a military orb, where he learns from an Air Force official (Vera Farmiga) that his mission is to be sent back in time to prevent the explosion from ever occurring.

A deftly conceived concept, meticulously executed by director Duncan Jones, Source Code is a combustible combination of cold-hearted computation, military mystery and human radiance.

However, if you really want to disrupt the morning commute: commence with road construction.  0

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night

On TV, the key to good paranormal detection is to blow arbitrary sounds completely out of proportion, whilst bathed in the murky glow of night-vision.

Thankfully, the supernatural dick in this horror movie leaves the scare tactics up to the monsters.

A retired mediator for the creatures of the night that populate New Orleans in disguise, private eye Dylan Dog (Brandon Routh) finds himself pulled back in to the shadows when a powerful vampire (Taye Diggs) threatens to reawaken an evil entity that will enslave humanity.

In addition to saving the world, and quelling a pending vampire war with the werewolves, Dylan must also prepare his recently bitten partner Marcus (Sam Huntington) for life as a zombie.

Based on the Italian comic book, Dylan Dog is a poorly acted, sadly crafted, schizophrenic hodge-podge of screwball comedy and low-rent horror.

Besides, all the dames that hire paranormal detectives have piranha-toothed vaginas.  0

***Parallel University Student***

The Butterfly Effect

The best thing about a parallel universe is that you can see what your life would be like if you had ordered the Clubhouse Sandwich for lunch.

Fortunately, the time traveller in this sci-fi movie is interested in things more important than alternate lunch timelines. 

As a kid, Evan (Ashton Kutcher) suffered blackouts anytime that something bad happened. Now, as a university student, he finds it difficult to recollect much of his childhood–save for his crush, Kayleigh (Amy Smart).

One day, however, while re-reading his old diaries, Evan discovers that he can re-live those moments when he lost consciousness, fully cognizant and capable of modifying them.

Targeting pivotal moments involving young Kayleigh, Evan begins to adjust past incidents, with mixed results.

With an able cast, slick production and mind-melting material, Butterfly Effect is an agreeable example of alternate realities.

However, in a different reality, I probably hate this movie.

He’s a Great-Great-Grandfather Paradox. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Defective Immediately. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of July 22, 2011

If it ain’t broke, why sell it on the Internet? First up…

Limitless

Until now, the only magic pill that a writer could take to gain fame and fortune was a sleeping pill...and plenty of 'em.

Fortunately, the scribe in this thriller has discovered medication that can augment his intelligence without decreasing his existence.

Already suffering writer’s block, Eddie’s (Bradley Cooper) despair doubles when his girlfriend (Abbie Cornish) dumps him.

His luck turns, however, when his ex-brother-in-law introduces him to an experimental drug that can boost brain function.

Blessed with brilliance, but addled by addiction, Eddie finds himself in bed with a Russian gangster and a Wall Street wizard (Robert DeNiro).  

With his stash depilating, and withdrawal not an option, Eddie must use his remaining high to mastermind a plan.

With a capable cast, sweeping cinematography and stimulating script, Limitless is a slick, cerebral supposition.

However, if humans really could use 100% of their brains than reality TV ratings would be in trouble.  0

***Stimulate Bloomer***  

The Lawnmower Man

The best thing about lawn maintenance is that you can make some extra cash selling grass clippings to stupid teenagers.

However, the groundskeeper in this thriller is too thickheaded to figure that out.

One day, while mowing the lawn, dimwitted Jobe (Jeff Fahey) is invited in to his client’s, Dr. Angelo (Pierce Brosnan), home to play virtual reality games.

During his time with Jobe, Angelo determines that he would make an excellent lab rat for a new drug that promises to stimulate brain function.

With his acumen amplified to the point of telekinesis, Jobe uses his newly minted mind powers to settle scores with those who exploited him when he was obtuse.

Bearing little resemble to the Stephen King short story on which it is based, instead, The Lawnmower Man uses name recognition to capitalize off the 1990s virtual reality craze.  

Besides, everyone knows mixing drugs and video games only leads to obesity.

He's a Member of Generation X-Large. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Blinded Justice. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of July 15, 2011

My law suit is at the cleaners. First up…

The Lincoln Lawyer

It makes sense for lawyers to apply their trade from their vehicles: they’ll be the first ones at the fender-bender with a waiting neck brace and wheel chair. 

Regrettably, the attorney in this mystery doesn’t practice personal injury law, but one much worse.

Proud to counsel crooks from the confines of his chauffeured Lincoln Town Car, criminal lawyer Haller (Matthew McConaughey) is further elated when he receives Louis (Ryan Phillippe), the son of a prominent Beverly Hills real estate agent (Frances Fisher), as a client.

However, Louis’ open-and-shut case hits a snag when Haller begins to suspect that the accused assailant that he is defending may be responsible for other attacks.

An amiable attempt at adapting the popular novel, this courtroom-thriller has a solid alibi of likable characters and proficient plot twists.

Moreover, if judges and jurors ever decide to likewise gain mobility, stretch Hummers will finally have a purpose.  0

Arthur

Spoiled rich kids make the best alcoholics because when they pass out, you can steal the keys to their Lamborghini.

However, when you party with the loaded lush in this comedy, at the end of the night, you get to steal the Batmobile.

To retain his pampered lifestyle, a permanently pixilated playboy, Arthur (Russell Brand), must marry his mother’s assistant (Jennifer Garner).

Afraid of financial autonomy, Arthur reluctantly agrees. He begins to reconsider, however, after he meets the like-minded Naomi (Greta Gerwig).

With help from his chauffeur (Luis Guzman) and nanny (Helen Mirren), Arthur betters himself. But with his wedding nuptials approaching, he is torn between family duty and his heart’s desire.

While it is a remake of the 1981 film, this Arthur stands on its own as an enjoyable and endearing comedy.

Fortunately, if he ever does become destitute, Arthur will already have the accompanying alcohol abuse down pat.  0

Rango

The best thing about a chameleon sheriff is that: no matter the skin colour of the criminal, they can never be accused of racial profiling.

Unfortunately, the colour-changing lawman in this animated-adventure must oversee a town filled with different species. 

While traveling through the desert, pampered pet chameleon Rango (Johnny Depp) must learn to survive in the arid climate after falling from his owner’s vehicle.

Eventually, Rango makes his way to an Old West settlement, where he inadvertently disposes of a local bandit (Ray Winstone).

Impressed, the mayor (Ned Beatty) appoints the hapless hero to the position of sheriff. His first duty, however, is to solve the mystery behind the town’s missing water supply.

A phantasmagoria of slapstick comedy and Spaghetti Western inspiration, Rango is a visual treat that will engage and impress young and old.

Furthermore, with a tongue that long, he's also really popular amongst the local brothels.  0

Insidious

The reason homeowners prefer that the “bump in the night” be a desperate drug addict, opposed to a ghost, is because junkies have organs that can be sold to pay mortgages.

And while the family in this horror movie isn’t trading on the black market, they’d give anything for a tangible home-invader.

Plagued by spirits since moving into their new home, Renai (Rose Byrne) and Josh (Patrick Wilson) live in fear.

One day, their son (Ty Simpkins) falls into a coma. On the advice of Josh’s mother (Barbara Hershey) they call in an expert (Lin Shaye), who tells them their son’s astral body is being held captive by a demon wishing to possess his physical body.

Drenched in eldritch ambiance and imbued with nightmarish imagery, this macabre tale is a triumph of terror. 

Fortunately, if things do go awry, there is a cure for demonically possessed children – it’s called Ritalin.  0

***The Burden of Hoof ***

The Devil’s Advocate

The cool thing about the Devil being your lawyer is that: depending on your body count, he may just work pro bono.

Fortunately, the defense lawyer in this horror movie is not Satan…his boss is.

While defending an accused pedophile, small-town attorney Kevin (Keanu Reeves) is approached by the prestigious law firm Milton, Chadwick and Waters.

Accepting their generous offer, Kevin and his wife (Charlize Theron) move to Manhattan, where he shines in the courtroom, but not on the home front.

With his marriage strained, his firm under investigation and lawyers turning up dead, Kevin approaches one of the partners, John Milton (Al Pacino), who reveals to him the demonic nature of the company and his part in it.

A courtroom drama and supernatural thriller hybrid, The Devil’s Advocate does an adequate job of representing both genres.

However, everyone knows that the real Devil in the courtroom is the stenographer. 

He's a Satin Worshipper . He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He wears High/Wasted Pants. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of July 8, 2011

Man, I love sleeping in…doors. First up…

Hobo with a Shotgun

Finally, homeless people have realized that they can get more spare change with a shotgun, than they ever could with a cardboard sign.

Oops! Apparently the motive of the migrant in this action movie isn’t armed panhandling, but administering street justice.

Arriving in Scum Town aboard a boxcar, a grizzled hobo (Rutger Hauer) enters a totalitarian township controlled by the sadistic The Drake (Brian Downey) and his two sons, Slick and Ivan (Gregory Smith, Nick Bateman).     

Successful with keeping a low profile at first, after witnessing too many atrocities at the hand of The Drake, the hobo cock’s a shotgun in revolt.

Based on the fictional trailer that appeared in the 2007 movie Grindhouse, this all-Canadian homage to the exploitative genre is a shopping cart brimming with optimal one-liners, over-the-top acting and buckets of bad taste.  

Nevertheless, the most beneficial accoutrement for any homeless person remains: a mobile debit machine.  0

The Warrior’s Way

Today, everything in America is made in China. But back in the 1800s, everything was made in America…by the Chinese. 

And while the Asian drifter in this action movie didn’t come to America to build the Central Pacific Railroad, he is looking for a new life.

Disobeying an order to annihilate his enemy clan, assassin Yang (Jang Dong-gun) takes the last surviving member–a newborn–with him across the ocean to America.

Putting down roots in a ramshackle burg ruled by ruffians, Yang makes short work of the wild Westerners, which wins over the locals (Geoffrey Rush, Kate Bosworth, Tony Cox).

Later, they help him protect the child from his former clan who have come to kill him.

Though an Eastern swordsmen interacting with Western gunslingers sounds intriguing, the borrowed narrative, bungling actors and computer-generated action makes this regrettable.

Instead, the sword-bearer should’ve established the first-ever saddle sore lancing company.  0

***West Korea***

The Good, The Bad, The Weird

The best thing about being a Korean criminal is that after police get a description, they’ll put out an APB for a Japanese guy.

And while the outlaw in this action movie isn’t Japanese, he does steal a map from someone who is.

Manchuria, 1930 – an assassin aboard a train, The Bad (Lee Byung-hun), attempts to pinch a priceless map from a passenger.

However, a thief, The Weird (Song Kang-ho), procures the parchment before he can.

What follows is a chase through the desert with: The Weird being pursued by The Bad; The Bad being stalked by a bounty hunter, The Good (Jung Woo-sung); and the Japanese army hot on their tails.

With the grit of an Italian western and the kinetic shootouts of Korean action cinema, The Good, The Bad, The Weird is a scrumptious fusion of the two genres.

Much like their food equivalent: Spaghetti and Dog Meatballs.

He's an Epicurator. He's the...

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