Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's a Handmade Man. He's the...

Vidiot

Week of April 26, 2013

I don't know nothing about no concrete company. First up...

Gangster Squad

The most important accessory for a secret police force called “the gangster squad” is most likely going to be a hat rack.

Fortunately, this action movie features enough hat hooks for all of the squad’s fedoras.

Dateline: Los Angeles, California, 1949, underworld boss Mickey Cohen (Sean Penn) tightens his grip on his territory by slaying interlopers from the Windy City.

Downtown, Police Chief Parker (Nick Nolte) assigns army vet Sgt. O'Mara (Josh Brolin) to a task force intended to take down Cohen and his cronies.

But to bring the crime baron to his knees, O’Mara needs a team of legit cops to do it (Ryan Gosling, Giovanni Ribisi Anthony Mackie, Michael Peña, Robert Patrick).

Inspired by true events, Gangster Squad has slick shoot-outs, snappy repartee and smart set design. Unfortunately, the script is limp and the leads are cartoonish.

Besides, the only real cabal capable of crippling crime lords is the IRS.  0

The Impossible

If you are ever caught in a tsunami, it’s important to remember to stay out of the way of those who came to surf the epic swell.

However, the family in this drama is more concerned with finding each other.

On Christmas vacation in Thailand, Maria (Naomi Watts), Henry (Ewan McGregor) and their sons, Lucas (Tom Holland), Tomas (Samuel Joslin) and Simon (Oaklee Pendergast), are caught in the tsunami triggered by an offshore earthquake.

In the wake of the wave, a wounded Maria, Lucas and a toddler team-up to reach an overpopulated hospital.

Elsewhere on the island, an equally injured Henry, Simon and Tomas set out to find their missing family members.

Based on the 2004 natural disaster, The Impossible proficiently portrays the human horrors of the aftermath, and the courage and faith it took to persevere.

On the bright side, the tsunami washed away most of Thailand’s sex tourists.  0

Promised Land

The best part of an energy company sponsoring a local arts event is that it really makes you forget that they are raping the earth.

However, the gas company in this drama hasn’t started drilling yet.

Dispatched to rural Pennsylvania to lease land from locals at a low cost so their employer can frack for natural gas, Steve Butler (Matt Damon) and his partner (Frances McDormand) court the community with corporate cash.

But when an erudite yolk (Hal Holbrook) vies for a vote and a persuasive activist (John Krasinski) campaigns the community, Steve’s job and fledgling relationship with an area teacher (Rosemarie DeWitt) is threatened.

Now, he must choose between people and petrol.

While its litigious topic is certainly one of interest, the film’s overall message is misspent on over-sentimentality, immaturity, and needless romantic sub-plots.

Besides, what town wouldn’t want a fire department that hoses down infernos with flammable water?  0

  

***Gangstars***

Mobsters

The worst part about being a young gangster is that no one takes your ice pick serious until it’s too late.

Luckily, the nextgen in this action movie have brains and bullets.

When a fresh-faced Lucky Luciano (Christian Slater) meets youthful Meyer Lansky (Patrick Dempsey) the two, along with Bugsy Siegel (Richard Grieco) and Frank Costello (Costas Mandylor), make a name for themselves in the bootlegging racket.

Over time, the gangster squad seizes control of NYC from the old bosses and divides it between the five main families.

But can this new crime regime keep from crumbling under its own infighting?

Overly violent and under acted, this loose interpretation of the upper echelon of the underworld’s top brass fails to live up to its lofty ambitions.

Incidentally, this reinforces that the only way to get ahead in this world is to mow the older generation down with Tommy guns.

He Overcooked the Books. He's the...

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s been Lowbrow Beaten. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 19, 2013

Nobody should be whipped without a safe-word. First up…

Django Unchained

The reason you never saw African Americans in Westerns is because the White actors were already painted Native American.

Fortunately, this modern Western allows races to portray themselves.

A German dentist (Christoph Waltz) liberates a slave named Django (Jamie Foxx) from his white captors.

In exchange, the doctor requires Django to accompany him to a slave plantation under the guise of his valet, and identify three bounties.

Proving his salt as a skip tracer, Django sets his gun sights on the sadistic owner (Leonardo DiCaprio) of his wife (Kerry Washington), and leaves a pile of white slavers in his wake.

Quentin Tarantino’s skewed view of the American Old West has not only been branded with his customary carnage and N-word laced lingo, but also an effective campaign against the country’s dark dealings.

And while white slavery may seem like retributive justice, that typically only oppresses young white women.  0

A Haunted House

When purchasing a haunted house it’s important to have your home inspector give any residing ghosts a rectal exam.

Fortunately, the new roommates in this comedy have brought their own poltergeist with them.

When Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) and Keisha (Essence Atkins) move in together, Malcolm records the events for posterity.

When strange things start happening around the house, Malcolm’s camera captures the unexplainable events.

Later, Malcolm hires a priest (Cedric the Entertainer), a psychic (Nick Swardson) and a ghost detective (David Koechner) to exercise his home of the hostile spirit, but each one is more incompetent than the other.

What’s more, the entity has taken possession of Keisha.

An anemic lampoon of hand-held horror movies, A Haunted House not only relies on racist, homophobic and sexist jokes, but humourless ones at that.

As for the best way to deal with a haunted house: Burn it down for the insurance money.  0

***Djustified*** 

Django

The reason why Italians made Westerns was that it was an easy way to launder money.

And while this spaghetti western doesn’t confirm mob financing, it does emulate the organization’s ruthless attributes.

Django (Franco Nero) is a drifter that drags around a casket that comes upon a Mexican woman (Loredana Nusciak) being tormented by a gang of outlaws.

Later, Django learns that the men he just killed worked for Major Jackson (Eduardo Fajardo), the man who killed Django’s wife.

Partnering with a Mexican General (José Bódalo) to steal Jackson’s gold, the bandit later betrays Django.

When the Major and his men come looking for the stolen fortune, they are privy to what lies within Django’s coffin.

While it borrows heavily from other anti-hero westerns, Django can take credit for exploiting the genre’s violence to unprecedented heights.

As for the coffin: maybe Django just has some sort of morbid ventriloquist act.

He's a Stun Gunslinger. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's a Crutch Potato. He's the…

Vidiot

Week of April 12, 2013

Fake cast. Real sympathy. First up…

 

Hyde Park on Hudson

The upside to a country’s president being bound to a wheelchair is that they will always get the prime parking spot at the G8 summit.

However, the disabled Democrat in this dramedy didn’t publicize his paralysis.

When Daisy’s (Laura Linney) sixth cousin Franklin D. Roosevelt (Bill Murray) requests her company at his summer estate in upstate New York, she willingly responds.

Upon subsequent visits, she becomes the polio stricken president’s mistress, but the affair sours when she discovers other indiscretions.

Meanwhile, Eleanor Roosevelt (Olivia Williams) prepares the country home for King George VI (Samuel West) and his wife’s (Olivia Colman) first visit to America.

Loosely based on letters between the kissing cousins, Hyde Park on Hudson features picturesque landscapes and a whimsical performance from Murray, but the script flounders between political posturing and unsubstantiated dalliances. 

Besides, when it comes to having sex with relatives, who are British Royalty to judge?  0

***Downton Stabbey*** 

 

Gosford Park

The best part of being a servant at an English country manor is getting to serve all that disgusting British food to your snooty aristocrat masters.

Another plus, as this mystery points out, is all of the gossip.

Sir William (Michael Gambon) and his wife (Kristin Scott Thomas) invite a countess  (Maggie Smith), an actor (Jeremy Northam), a Hollywood producer (Bob Balaban) and additional Lords and Ladies to their bucolic estate for the weekend.

Amid the affluent activities, the house servants (Helen Mirren, Richard E. Grant, Emily Watson) and the guests’ attendants (Ryan Phillippe, Clive Owen, Kelly Macdonald) intermingle.

But when the host turns up dead, everyone in the mansion becomes a suspect in Inspector Thomson’s (Stephen Fry) inept investigation.

While the mystery is subtle, the secret relationships between the class systems are blatant and, in some cases, taboo.

Incidentally, the one thing that won’t kill you in the English countryside is overexposure to the sun.

He's a Sore Footman. He's the...

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