Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a White Russian Hacker. He’s the…

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Week of November 30, 2018

Cocktails produce passwords. First up…

Searching

The worst part about going missing nowadays is the media uses online photos of you embellished with a dog’s snout.

Thankfully, the abducted teenager in this mystery stopped using Snapchat months ago.

When David’s (John Cho) 16-year-old doesn’t come home after spending the night at a friend’s, the single dad accesses her electronic devices only to discover she has been leading a double life online. A detective (Debra Messing) is soon assigned to the case, but her involvement only results in more questions about the girl’s whereabouts and whom she was involved with.

Told entirely through the lens of phones, laptops and CCTV, this cyber-thriller does what similarly shot films have tried in the past but manages to avoid gimmickry. Meanwhile, the white-knuckle narrative is relatable and helps to counterbalance the film’s shaky-cam tendencies.

Lastly, if someone hasn’t posted a selfie online in an hour it usually means they’re dead.  Yellow Light

Dog Days

The dog days of summer are when the droughts get so bad people start drinking out of toilets.

However, this canine comedy contends that the meaning pertains more to listlessness.

Elizabeth (Nina Dobrev) is a morning show host who must learn to work with her new co-host; Tara (Vanessa Hudgens) is crushing on an arrogant vet while a nice guy pines for her; and a married couple (Eva Longoria, Rob Corddry) struggles to make life for their adopted daughter comfortable. Over time each of these tales intersects with one another to create a larger chronicle of modern relationships and urban dog ownership.

While none of the interconnected stories are all that earthshattering or funny for that matter, the canine companions do offer a slight reprieve from the corny, sentimentality of the unmemorable vignettes.   

And while dogs can offer sound dating advise; they tend to favour the suitors with musty crotches.  Red Light 

***Big Brother In-Law***

Timecode

If you were to secretly videotape most people today you’d end up with a montage of racist tirades.

In 2000, however, when this drama was released, you would capture something worth watching.

As pre-production on his latest feature begins, philandering actor Alex (Stellan Skarsgård) splits his time between drinking and helping his girlfriend Rose (Salma Hayek) get a role in the production. Elsewhere, Alex’s wife (Saffron Burrows) prepares divorce papers, while Rose’s girlfriend (Jeanne Tripplehorn) has bugged her and is now eavesdropping on her affair with Alex and her audition.

An experimental feature from director Mike Figgis that unravels in real time in four separate segments on the screen with the volume on a certain stories turned up to guide viewers, this ensemble is truly innovative visually. Unfortunately, the plot and its interconnecting narratives are not as engaging.   

Incidentally, hidden cameras in the 2000s were usually concealed in trucker hats.

He’s Millennium Bug Spray. He’s the….

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Guacamole Diplomat. He's the...

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Week of November 23, 2018

My favourite dish is Americanized ethnic food. First up...

Crazy Rich Asians

The easiest way to distinguish between rich and poor Asians is the wealthy ones wear gold-plated surgical masks.

Mind you, as this romantic-comedy points out, well-heeled Asians can also be extremely rude.

Rachel (Constance Wu) agrees to attend her boyfriend Nick’s (Henry Golding) friend’s wedding in Singapore. During their visit, Rachel is introduced to Nick’s well-to-do relatives (Gemma Chan, Awkwafina, Ken Jeong), whom she gets along with swimmingly. However, the matriarch of the family (Michelle Yeoh) feels that Rachel is not the right fit for her son, while others accuse her of being a gold-digger.

Although it does shatter stereotypes with its all-Asian cast and enamors with the pageantry associated with Asian nuptials, this aptly cast adaptation of the 2013 best-seller does little to differentiate itself from the typical Caucasian rom-com formula.

In fact, the only difference between Asian and Caucasian families is that the former doesn’t banish their elders.  Yellow Light

Little Italy

The single greatest contribution Italian cuisine has made to Western civilization is heartburn. 

However, this romantic-comedy maintains that pizza is a much better offering than indigestion.

When her work visa expires, culinary student Nikki (Emma Roberts) must return to Toronto. While her family (Alyssa Milano, Adam Ferrara) is happy to see her, their pizza business has been suffering ever since they had a spat with their partner and his son, Leo (Hayden Christensen).

As the former friends feud, Leo and Nikki form a relationship that will force both parties to make amends, and update their menus.

Brimming with bad Italian stereotypes and even worse acting, this American/Canadian co-production is better left in the oven. Although it borrows from Romeo and Juliet, the leads lack the chemistry to dethrone the star-crossed lovers.

Incidentally, if Leo plans on marrying Nikki he’s going to have to get a divorce from his mamma first.  Red Light

Outlaw King

The key to being a great Scottish King is making sure your Queen’s woollen fleece is sheared every summer.

However, the ruler in this drama has broken from tradition and married a human.

In the wake of William Wallace’s execution, Scottish King Robert the Bruce (Chris Pine) plots a rebellion against the monarchy. But when an Englishman overhears his plans, Robert has no choice but to slay them. This murderous act incites England to declare Robert, his new wife (Florence Pugh) and their allies (Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Tony Curran) outlaws.

While this historical Netflix film plays fast-and-loose with the facts, the overall experience is a visceral one backed by gory battle scenes, stirring speeches and convincing portrayals. In fact, it stands as the best feature the streaming service has produced thus far.

However, it would’ve been easier to get the British out of Scotland by staging a Robert Burns poetry reading.  Green Light

***My Verona***

Pizza My Heart

While it’s not widely known, Christopher Columbus’ voyage to America was initially a pizza delivery.

And while that factoid has been lost to history, this comedy assures America’s obsession with pizza hasn’t.

In fair Verona, New Jersey is where we lay our scene: two families, The Prestolanis (Michael Badalucco, Natalija Nogulich) and The Montebellos (Dan Hedaya, Gina Hecht), war with each other over who sells the best pie in town. But their long-standing feud is about to be turned on its head when Gina. (Shiri Appleby) falls in love with her sworn enemy Joe. (Eyal Podell). The lovers must now bring peace to their pizzerias.

ABC Family’s modern retelling of Shakespeare’s tragedy, this 2005 movie-of-the-week is a goofy but guilty pleasure that tones down the calamity of the play and gives way to zaniness.

Lastly, when ordering from a Romeo and Juliet themed pizzeria, get them to hold the poison.

He’s Bard Wire. He’s the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Meatball Subspecies. He’s the…

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Week of November 16, 2018

Every dog has its day…in court.  First up…

The Meg

Every time a scientist discovers a new species it means we get to eradicate an old one.

However, considering the size of the specimen in this action-thriller we should exterminate four.

A billionaire (Rainn Wilson) recruits an underwater research team to probe Marianas Trench for untold riches. But an encounter with a Megalodon leaves his oceanographer (Li Bingbing) and her crew stranded down there. Now, it is up to covert naval officer Jonas Taylor  (Jason Statham) to reach the submersible without being swallowed by the gigantic jaws of the prehistoric predator.

Spending way too much time on a superfluous love story, this American-Chinese adaptation of the 1997 novel is surprisingly boring for a giant shark movie. It doesn’t help that the bulk of the man vs. animal action occurs at the very end.

Besides, the easiest way to kill a megalodon is to steer them towards that floating garbage patch.  Red Light

Alpha

The best way to get your dog to respect you is to stop picking up its poop.

And this action-adventure set in a time when dog scat was everywhere reaffirms that statement.

Left for dead by his Stone Age tribe after tumbling off a cliff during his first bison hunt, a broken Keda (Kodi Smit-McPhee) must now find his way back home.

However, the elements and the hungry prehistoric predators make his quest near impossible. That is until he nurses an injured wolf back to health and befriends it. The unlikely pair then braves the rough terrain together, forging the basis of our species’ cohabitation.

While the history behind this initial dog tale is debatable, the action, the acting, and the cinematography make up for the simplistic storyline, strange subtitles and historical inaccuracies.

Moreover, it is proof positive that dogs do not require designer coats and boots to survive winter.  Green Light

 

Mile 22

The hardest part of working for a clandestine organization is getting them to believe that you work there every morning.

Fortunately, the top-secret team leader in this action-thriller is not easily forgotten.

Labeled a violent offender at a young age, James (Mark Wahlberg) had to learn to control his anger and channel his aggression into something useful, like heading up a covert black ops team (John Malkovich, Lauren Cohan, Ronda Rousey) tasked with keeping a radioactive chemical from being weaponized by terrorists. But in order to do that James must help an Indonesian police officer (Iko Uwais) in possession of the substance flee from authorities.

While it’s loaded with shoot-outs, car chases and choreographed fights, this spy thriller is light on espionage. Meanwhile, Iko Uwais’ martial art talents are adversely affected by the hurried editing.

Incidentally, the only way to escape Indonesia undetected is disguising yourself as a Komodo dragon.  Yellow Light

***She-Wolf Pack***

The Journey of Natty Gann

The bond between dogs and women took longer because wolves wouldn’t get into designer purses.

Mind you, the tomboy in this adventure is more likely to be carrying around a bindle.

When Sol (Ray Wise) finds work in the forests of Washington State during the Great Depression, he leaves his 15-year-old daughter Natty (Meredith Salenger) behind in Chicago until he can send for her. But when her guardian sells her out to family services, Natty must ride the rails to find her father. Along the way she befriends a wolf and fellow hobo (John Cusack), who teaches her how to survive life on the road.

Besides an authentic depiction of life during the depression, this live-action Disney movie from 1985 also has a touching story about a girl and her wolf that will resonate with animal lovers.

In fact, wolves still make excellent travel companions for women of any age.

He’s a Poisonous Animal Lover. He’s the…

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