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Week of March 30, 2012

Double handshakes muffle the deaf. First up…

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Hopefully, by extremely loud and incredibly close, it means there’s going to be tons of abrasive people invading each other’s personal spaces.

Oops! Apparently, it’s worse than a close, loud talker. This drama is about 9/11.

After losing his father (Tom Hanks) on September 11, Oskar (Thomas Horn) sets out to reconnect with him through clues he believes that his dad left behind for him to follow.

Determined to locate the lock that a mystery key marked Black opens, Oskar embarks on a voyage to verbalize with each person in NYC with that last name.

Meanwhile, his mother (Sandra Bullock) is simultaneously trying to mange her son’s erratic behaviour and her own emotional breakdown.   

A failed attempt at a feel-good film, the unlikable lead kid is so grating you’ll wish that he were more like extremely quiet and incredibly faraway.

Besides, it’s post-9/11; shouldn’t this minor be conscripted by now? 0 

Alvin and The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Hopefully, the maladroit wordplay in the title of this motion picture doesn’t imply that it’s only for those children with higher brain development.

Phew! Thankfully, this live-action/computer-animated comedy is accessible to dumb kids as well.

While on a cruise with Dave (Jason Lee), Alvin (Justin Long), Simon (Matthew Gray Gubler) and Theodore (Jesse McCartney), along with their female counterparts: The Chipettes (Christina Applegate, Anna Faris, Amy Poehler) find themselves stranded on an island, after an Alvin related accident.

Unfortunately, Dave and the Chipmunks old manager (David Cross) are marooned on the other side of the islet, leaving the rambunctious rodent singing groups to their own devises.

Meanwhile, a localized volcano threatens to erupt. 

The second sequel in the series, this sampling is soured by stale renditions of radio hits and suggestive jokes of an inappropriate nature.

Besides, to stay contemporary shouldn’t their high-pitched chipmunk singing voices be modified with auto-tune?  0  

A Dangerous Method

Upon graduating with a Ph. D in Psychiatry, proud parents most likely buy their graduate a brand new couch.

Unfortunately, the pioneering shrinks in this drama only have wooden chairs to sit upon while they analyze each other.

When promising psychoanalyst Sabina (Keira Knightley) is put in the care of Carl Jung (Michael Fassbender), one of the architects of psychoanalysis, he employs her as an assistant, while also treating her as a patient.

Over endless conversations with his mentor Freud (Viggo Mortensen) and interactions with a playboy patient (Vincent Cassel), Jung ultimately decides to probe something other than Sabina’s mind.

Based on the non-fiction novel that scrutinizes the two masters of the mind, this sexually explicit and astute anatomize of the theory is masterfully directed by David Cronenberg.  

Thankfully, nowadays, the only person you have to discuss your mental disorder with is the Walmart pharmacist filling out your weekly refill.  0

***An All-Star Castaway***

Swiss Family Robinson

The worst part of being stranded on an island with your family is that all of your future children will either resemble your brother or a wild boar.

Fortunately, the family marooned on the tropical atoll in this action/adventure is comprised of only males. 

When pirates push a vessel into peril, the crew abandons it, leaving only an emigrating Swiss family aboard to weather the shipwreck.

Salvaging want they can, the patriarch (John Mills), his wife (Dorothy McGuire) and their sons, Fritz (James MacArthur), Ernst (Tommy Kirk) and Francis (Kevin Corcoran), paddle ashore and colonize.

But once again they soon find themselves at the mercy of the bloodthirsty pirates.

Disney’s adaptation of the famed novel, this Technicolor family classic is chock full of harrowing hardships and hair-raising escapades.

Unfortunately, 3 out of the 3 books that this religiously persecuted family brought with them to the deserted island are The Bible.

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Week of March 23, 2012

My car runs off of my teakettle. First up…

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Based on female tendencies, this tattoo could either be an explicit depiction of the mythical creature, or, an inspirational quote about a dragon written in some flowery font.

Thankfully, the inked gamine in this thriller opted for the optical option.

After he loses a libel case against a wealthy magnate, journalist Mikael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig) accepts an offer from Henrik Vanger (Christopher Plummer), patriarch of an enigmatic brood, to investigate his granddaughter’s disappearance 40 years ago. 

In exchange Vanger promises the evidence Blomkvist needs to overturn the ruling.

Assisting Blomkvist in his analysis of the demented dynasty is a computer-hacking waif, Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara), who is being regularly molested by her state appointed guardian.

An unsettling stopover on Sweden’s seedy side, this David Fincher adaptation of the notorious novel is a hideous and hypnotic whodunit.

Incidentally, the easiest way for journalists to circumvent defamation lawsuits is to become bloggers.  0  

The Muppets

The best thing about retro resurgence is that all the creative minds behind the original concepts are dead, so there’s no artistic control.

Fortunately, the felt covered franchise featured in this comedy found its self in reverential hands.

While on a trip to L.A. with his brother Gary (Jason Segel) and his girlfriend (Amy Adams), Walter (Peter Linz) overhears an oil baron Tex Richman (Chris Cooper) proclaim his plans to purchase Muppet Theater to drill for crude.

On informing Kermit the Frog, Walter, Gary and Mary are spirited away by the emerald amphibian on a cross-country excursion to roundup the old troupe and save the theater.

Though it does draw on plot points from previous Muppet films, this cameo-clustered concoction is an overall enjoyable treatment of Jim Henson’s indelible designs.

However, the real reason why oilmen despise artist-types so much is because performers can’t afford cars to fill with gas.  0

The Sitter

The best thing about hiring a teen to baby-sit nowadays is that they bring along their own children.

Unfortunately, no woman will allow the makeshift sitting in this comedy past third-base.

When his mom’s night out is threatened by her friend’s babysitter cancellation, slacker Noah (Jonah Hill) reluctantly volunteers.

But when his friend with benefits’ calls asking him to score cocaine, he loads his responsibilities (Max Records, Landry Bender, Kevin Hernandez) into a mini-van and embarks on a wild adventure that lands them on an imbalanced drug-dealer’s (Sam Rockwell) bad list.

With only hours to round-up $10,000 for the pusher, Noah and the kids must work together if they hope to make it home.

A reasonably raunchy-comedy with some amiable performances, it is The Sitter’s perfunctory plotline that proves its ultimate downfall.

Besides, wouldn’t it be a lot easier to just crush and snort the kids you’re baby-sitting’s ADHD medication?  0

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

No wonder there aren’t any jobs for anyone, this guy has them all.

Oops! Apparently this thriller isn’t about the ultimate moonlighter, but the code-names of operatives suspected of being a mole.

Asked to return to the department of British Intelligence known as The Circus following allegations one of the higher-ups is a Soviet spy, George Smiley (Gary Oldman) assembles a team to investigate every agent that retired after a bothced operation to purchase information from a Hungarian source.

As he delves further into the case, Smiley learns the true purpose of the mission and of the shadow of doubt cast upon him and his fellow agents (Colin Firth, Ciarán Hinds, Toby Jones).

A labyrinthine tale of Cold War intrigue, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’s accomplished cast makes up for the film’s challenging narrative.

As for a telltale sign that a spy could be a double agent: two parking passes.  0

Hop

Bunnies are so closely associated with Easter because rounding up the species during the spring cull is eerily similar to an Easter egg hunt.

And while a massacre isn’t threatening the conies in this animated movie, a rebellious rabbit is.

Shirking his duty to take-over as the Easter Bunny following his father’s (Hugh Laurie) retirement, E.B. (Russell Brand) absconds to America to become a famous drummer.

Pairing with the slacker (James Marsden) that hit him with his car, E.B. attempts to gain notoriety through a talent show hosted by David Hasselhoff.

Meanwhile, this year’s production of Easter treats is threatened when head-chick Carlos (Hank Azaria) leads a revolt against the rabbits.

While it is a vibrantly coloured outing, Hops’ lame cameos, sappy soundtrack, and racial charged subplot makes for an unremarkable movie.

Besides, there’s only enough room for one Easter story revolving around the wandering son of a mystical all-father.  0

***Walking on Easter Eggshells*** 

Here Comes Peter Cottontail

Peter Cottontail coming to town is cause for celebration since it means folks can finally apply acne astringents.

Unfortunately, the cotton-tailed cony in this animated-adventure isn’t coming to town to dispense cotton balls, swabs or pads.

When the Easter Bunny (Danny Kaye) announces his retirement, he also assigns his replacement, Peter Cottontail (Casey Kasem).

But Peter’s ascension to the position is endangered by January Q. Irontail (Vincent Price), a bitter old bunny that blames the loss of his fluffy tail on children, whom he wishes to disappoint by ruining Easter for them.

To do so, Irontail challenges Peter to a competition to deliver the most eggs on Easter morning.

Rankin-Bass’ stop-motion adaptation of the popular book series and song, Here Comes Peter Cottontail is a brightly hued hidden holiday gem.

Besides, if you really want rapid egg distribution just give a carton of eggs to a gang of 12-year-old boys.

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Week of March 16, 2012

My television doesn't get the English Channel. First up…

The Three Musketeers

At long last, Hollywood’s crafted a film starring the 3 hottest Mouseketeers: Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears and Annette Funicello.

Oops! Apparently, this action movie is about France’s royal guard - and not pre-teens in mouse ears.

Determined to follow in his father’s footsteps by serving the King of France alongside the Musketeers, D'Artagnan (Logan Lerman) heads to Paris to enlist.

Upon arriving he learns of the guard’s disbandment. Fortunately, fate aligns him with former members, Athos (Matthew Macfadyen), Porthos (Ray Stevenson) and Aramis (Luke Evans).

After proving his parry, D’Artagnan joins the ex-Musketeers as they set out to save the queen from being framed by a treacherous cardinal (Christoph Waltz) and his assistant (Milla Jovovich).

Featuring fast-paced fencing matches, airship dogfights and slow-mo explosions, this bombastic adaptation is as far removed from Alexandre Dumas’ novel as possible.

Besides, we all know that after retirement the Musketeers didn’t sail around in a flying boat, they invented a chocolate bar.  0

The Descendants

Tracing your family tree is only a fun experience up until you reach the branch where all of the murderers are.

Fortunately, for the family man in this drama, his Hawaiian ancestors got extremely rich off of real estate. 

A minimal husband and father, Matt (George Clooney), must now cope with family (Amara Miller, Shailene Woodley) and friends after a boating accident leaves his wife in a coma.

Meanwhile, a billion-dollar land claim entrusted to him is set to expire, leaving him to decide on whom he and his relatives should sell to.

What’s more, he learns of his wife’s promiscuity and sets out to confront her lover (Matthew Lillard).

A disarming drama with a comedic tinge, The Descendants’ paradisal backdrop blends seamlessly with its dour content.

Incidentally, a white man owning property on a Hawaiian island is almost as rare as a Hawaiian becoming the President of the United States of America.  0

Young Adult

The thing about writing for young adults is that you can increase your word count by simply inserting “like” after every word.

Unfortunately, for the YA author in this drama, her days as a teen-lit dramatist are, like, totally numbered.   

Whilst completing the once-popular book series she ghostwrote, Mavis (Charlize Theron) heads back to her hometown to rekindle a romance with her high-school boyfriend/recent dad, Buddy (Patrick Wilson).

Intent on getting him back, Mavis morphs into one of her adolescent characters, and sets out to ruin Buddy’s marriage.

Acting as her conscience is another former classmate (Patton Oswalt), who was unceremoniously lamed by the football team.

A frightening glimpse at a female middle-life crisis, Young Adult journeys to uncomfortable territory with a dark sense of humour. 

Besides, the only way an old high-school flame could ever seduce a married man is if she still has the body of a teenager.  0

My Week with Marilyn

The worst part of having to spend a week with Marilyn Monroe would have had to have been sitting through of all those JFK, RFK BJs.

Fortunately, this biography of the buxom blonde takes place before all that political hanky-panky occurred.

A would-be filmmaker Colin (Eddie Redmayne) sets off for London in hopes of finding employment on Laurence Olivier's (Kenneth Branagh) new film starring Marilyn Monroe (Michelle Williams).

As luck would have it, Colin lands a gopher gig on the set, and over time he develops a relationship with the fragile actress, whose dependency on pills, and inability to deliver lines, frustrates Olivier to no end.  

A stark portrayal of the alluring actress as a co-dependant wreck, My Week with Marilyn has riveting acting but not an engaging enough script.  

Besides, an easier way to get Marilyn to remember her lines would have been to write them on her barbiturates.  0

The Adventures of Tintin

Belgian journalists must be the most relaxed members of the world media, since nothing noteworthy ever happens in Belgium.

Surprisingly, however, the reporter in this animated-adventure has plenty of article fodder outside of new waffle toppings.

When a model ship he picked up at a bazaar becomes the object of the pirate descendant Red Rackham's (Daniel Craig) pursuit, the young scribe, Tintin (Jamie Bell) and his dog Snowy, set off on a journey to prevent Rackham from obtaining the other ships.

Along the way, Tintin teams with a drunken sea captain, Haddock (Andy Serkis), whose ancestors first battled Rackham’s water-rat relatives over now-sunken treasure.

Based on the comic book series by Hergé, this Steven Spielberg helmed motion-capture version not only captures the characters perfectly, but also the rip roarin’ adventure synonymous with the brand.

Hopefully, it spawns other European comic book film adaptations, like, say, Amsterdam’s Red Light District Defenders.  0

***Super Mien***

Asterix & Obelix Take On Caesar

The toughest job of adapting a comic book into a live-action movie is holding up the word balloons for hours.

Fortunately, the characters in this live-action adaptation have a secret potion that grants the user super-strength.

With Julius Caesar (Gottfried John) under the impression that he now rules all of Gaul, one of his officer’s, Derritus (Roberto Benigni), sets out to conquer a small village in hopes of obtaining an all-powerful elixir created by the local druid.

However, two Gauls, Asterix (Christian Clavier) and Obelix (Gérard Depardieu), under its influence thwart Derritus’ bid for the tonic. 

Later, they must team with their Roman enemy to defeat the power hunger Derritus.

Based on the French comic book, this real world rendering of the duo is goofy as it gets, but faithful to the source material. 

Incidentally, the easiest way to defeat the Romans is to seduce them with super-powerful little boys. 

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Week of March 9, 2012

Earth is the Gods' E! channel. First up…

Immortals

If an eternal race of beings is on Earth right now, they had better be paying, like, quadruple the taxes that mortals are.

Unfortunately, this fantasy film focuses more on the facet of Immortal warfare than it does their taxes.

In search of a bow that will unleash the Titans, thus exacting his revenge on the Gods who spurned his family, Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) and his Immortals rampage the countryside.

In one village, Hyperion comes across a worthy warrior Theseus (Henry Cavill), whom he takes captive.

Later, when Theseus and his cellmate (Stephen Dorff) escape, they–along with a soothsayer (Freida Pinto) who knows the bow’s location–embark on journey to find it.

Though a visually stunning version of a myriad of myths, Immortals’ narrative, regrettably, doesn’t have the same impact.

Besides, if Greek Gods exist, one of ‘em better take the form of a trillion-dollar-bill and bail out Greece.  0

Jack and Jill

If people don’t know that you have a twin sister, and they see her walking around in a dress, as a man, they'll just assume that you’re a cross-dresser.

Fortunately, the fraternal twins in this comedy live in different cities.

When Jack’s (Adam Sandler) annoying twin sister Jill (Adam Sandler) comes to visit him and his wife (Katie Holmes) for Thanksgiving, her needy nature drives him crazy.

After unsuccessfully exporting her home after the holidays, Jack pawns her off on online dates.

When that fails, he decides to exploit the attraction that Al Pacino has towards his sister, in hopes of landing the actor for an ad campaign.

An audacious attempt at doing drag, Adam Sandler has reached an unprecedented new low in his career with this immature mess.  

Incidentally, for a guy, the worst part of being linked to a twin sister is experiencing her menstrual cramps every cycle.  0 

Footloose

If your foot is loose, you may have leprosy. If you have leprosy, dancing could cause your foot to fly off and kick someone in the face.

Fortunately, the limbs of the youngsters in this drama have been checked for lesions.

When his mother dies, Ren (Kenny Wormald) moves to a small-town to live with his relatives.

Unfamiliar with the town’s ban on dancing, Ren runs afoul of the reverend (Dennis Quaid), whose son was killed in a car crash after an unsanctioned soirée, and whose daughter (Julianne Hough) Ren can’t stop thinking about.

Intent on cutting a rug, Ren and the teens of the totalitarian township team up to lift the draconian dance laws.

Though it never strays from the original’s shadow, this shot-for-shot remake does do an admirable job of including soundtrack standouts.

Besides, if God didn’t want us to dance, why would he give us booties?  0

***Par for the Chorus***

Shout

Rock n’ Roll has been associated with sin ever since the white man stole the sound from African-American musicians.

And while the music teacher in this drama isn’t intent on co-opting black culture, he is intent on using the up-beat arrangements to inspire his students.

On the lam from police, harmonica-player Jack (John Travolta) holes up in an all-boys school, where he lands a gig teaching marching progressions.

A rebel-at-heart, however, Jack tutors his students (James Walters, Scott Coffey, Glenn Quinn) on a new rhythm that’s sweeping the nation.

Meanwhile, the pious principal (Richard Jordan) is displeased with Jack’s teaching of the devil’s music as well as one student’s intentions towards his daughter (Heather Graham).

A cheesy teen revolt against the puritanical beliefs that plague a small-town, Shout is as seditious as it is silly.

Besides, playing Rock n’ Roll won't conjure up demons until you play it backwards. 

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