Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Cubic Zirconia in the Rough. He’s the…

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Week of June 1, 2018

Wood ticks are nature’s beauty marks. First up…

Annihilation

The best use of animal hybridization is a dung-beetle/dog that rolls its own poop to the garbage.

Unfortunately, the soldiers in this sci-fi film face much fiercer fauna fusions.

When her missing husband (Oscar Isaac) inexplicably returns from a failed mission in the swamps a year ago, Lena (Natalie Portman) is solicited by a military doctor (Jennifer Jason Leigh) to join her new team (Tessa Thompson, Gina Rodriguez) as they return to the event to study the strange animals therein and search for more survivors.

Inside the affected area, the group becomes susceptible to the Shimmer and turn against each other.

While the hybrids are horrifying and the biologically based plot is food for thought with eye-popping visuals to facilitate the more complex ideas, the overall story is confused between genres while the body-snatcher angle is just lazy.

Besides, most mutations in the bayou are not extraterrestrial but married siblings. Yellow Light

 

Death Wish

A smart way to engage gang members is to have them protect schools from active shooters.

Mind you, the vigilante in this action movie would rather just shoot them all.

When his wife (Elisabeth Shue) is killed in a home invasion, Dr. Kersey (Bruce Willis) expects police to bring the assailants to justice, but is ultimately left unsatisfied. Taking matters into his own hands, the good doctor purchases a firearm and wages a one-man war on Chicago’s criminal element.

While the city is split on the gunman’s righteousness, Kersey eventually locates those responsible and exacts revenge.

A neutered, sanitized remake of the gritty, seedy 1974 original, this modernization is more focused on tackling the gun control issue than delivering a worthwhile payback. Worse, it doesn’t even take a side in the discordant debate it gets bogged down in.

Moreover, everyone knows the answer to gun control is flintlock pistols only.  Red Light

***One-Man Army and Navy***

The Exterminator

Vigilantes in the 1980s were everyday people who just lost faith in McGruff the Crime Dog.

And while the lawful mascot isn’t mentioned in this action movie, his presence is felt.

POW John (Robert Ginty) tries to assimilate back in NYC when the Ghetto Ghouls break into where he works and kills his co-worker. Enraged he grabs a flamethrower and exacts revenge. Unsatisfied, John moves on to busting up the mafia and a child sex ring. Dubbed the Exterminator by the press, John is dogged by a determined detective (Christopher George). 

Dubbed a Death Wish doppelganger by critics on its released, this obvious nod to the seminal street vigilante blockbuster also had a second-rate sequel. Decades on and this alleged knockoff still holds its own with some pretty intense interrogation and death scenes that rival modern remakes.

Furthermore, scorching thugs is a double win because it also feeds the neighbourhood.

He’s the Street Justice Minister. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Dinner Roll-Playing Game. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 25, 2018

You lose a turn but you gain wisdom. First up…

Game Night

The best thing about game night at a friend’s house is rooting through their medicine cabinet.

Unfortunately, the players in this comedy are too involved to sample meds.

Max (Jason Bateman) and Annie’s (Rachel McAdams) weekly game night with their friends is upended when Max’s older brother Brooks (Kyle Chandler) shows up and involves them all in a game of kidnapping.

Determined to finally show up his sibling, the competitive couple go to extremes to locate the missing person only to find out that they are all part of a deadlier game that Brook’s is caught up in involving black market art.

Consistently funny, this breezy R-rated romp has the confident vibe of a long-running sit-com thanks to its scene-stealing neighbour, talented cast and amusing subplots that feed into the more violent extortion narrative.

Moreover, game nights are a great way of warming your friends up to having an orgy.  Green Light

Early Man

The upside to being around at the beginning of time was enjoying that new Earth smell.

Mind you, the bipeds in this stop-motion comedy are to busy inventing sports to enjoy it.

At the dawn of civilization, a dimwitted caveman (Eddie Redmayne) and his daft tribe of rabbit hunters dream of one day taking down a mammoth, but instead they have the chance to dethrone a vile despot (Tom Hiddleston) in a game of soccer.

If they win they get their hunting grounds in the valley back. But if they lose they will all be become slaves working in the mines.

The latest from the English Claymation studio behind Wallace and Gromit, Aardman Animations really drops the football with this sports themed offering. The jokes are lackluster, the characters forgettable and the football fervor may be lost on western audiences. 

Incidentally, cavemen football players would be terrified of the jumbotron.  Red Light

***Chewing the Scenery***

Gumby: The Movie  

Claymation is typically a family run business on account it takes generations to film 8 minutes.

In fact, it took animators 36 years to make this 90-minute stop-motion feature film.

Lead singer and guitarist Gumby, his equine friend Pokey, and they rest of their rock band The Clayboys hold a benefit concert for their farmer friends who are being evicted by Blockhead E-Z Loan for missed mortgage payments.

During the showcase, the Blockheads kidnap Gumby’s dog and then replace Gumby and his band mates with robotic replicas that wreck havoc around town.        

Released in 1995, forty-years after the clay character debuted on Howdy Doody, this anniversary feature film has the low budget, retro feel of the original shorts. While the mortgage crisis plotline is advanced for younger viewers, the madcap supporting cast keeps everything loosey goosey.        

And remember: always put Gumby back in his container or he’ll harden and fragment.

He’s a Fun Factory Worker. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a White-Collar Crime Fighter. He’s the…

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Week of May 18, 2018

Separate whites, colours and delicates? Washing machines are racist. First up…

Black Panther

The worst part of being a black superhero is when you turn supervillains over to authorities you get arrested.

Thankfully, the African-American protector in this action movie runs his own country.

Sworn to defend the clandestine nation of Wakanda, the mantle of Black Panther has been passed down through the ages where it – as well as the title of king – has now been bestowed on T'Challa (Chadwick Boseman).

But not everyone supports that royal appointment, namely the outsider Killmonger (Michael B. Jordan) and his arms dealing ally (Andy Serkis) who is after Wakandan resources.

With a culturally rich narrative that transcends race and sex, Marvel’s most complex Avenger takes center stage. Backed by a stellar supporting cast as multifaceted as him, Black Panther’s first solo outing is not only a milestone for the genre but the industry.     

Now, let’s work towards a day when T’Challa can simply be called: Panther. Green Light

Red Sparrow

The only difference between female spy and prostitute is one gets to garrote their client afterwards.

For more on the sexual exploits of espionage look no further than this thriller.

Dominika’s (Jennifer Lawrence) uncle recruits her to join Russian Intelligence after she injures herself at ballet and is unable to support her ailing mother.

In spy school, she and other students are taught the art of seduction in its most brutal forms. Obstinate through the entire process, Dom eventually graduates to Sparrow status and is assigned to the US to beguile a CIA agent (Joel Edgerton) for Intel.

Slow, convoluted and graphically violent, both physically and sexually, this tepid adaptation of the bestseller also lacks chemistry between leads and spends an inordinate amount of time on rape and potential rape situations. Meanwhile the action is limited and unsettling.

Incidentally, suave male spies also have to sleep with fat, old politicians.  Red Light    

The 15:17 to Paris

The first thing the US Army teaches you is which end of the gun to point away from yourself.

Luckily, the recruits in this drama are already familiar with firearms.

Obsessed with military combat, Spencer Stone and Alek Skarlatos enlist right out of high school. Leaving their moms (Judy Greer, Jenna Fischer) behind the pair meet up with their civilian friend Anthony Sadler for a European vacation.     

But when the trio board the 15:17 train to Paris out of Amsterdam they inadvertently walk into a terrorist plot. Although unarmed, the Yanks take the armed extremists head-on.

While the heroic actions of the September 2016 event are certainly laudable, having the actual participants portray themselves in this biography is disastrous. Moreover, having director Clint Eastwood explore their childhood only makes the heroes seem like dimwitted warmongering, religious nuts.

Besides, Americans are perpetually poised to attack anyone who looks like a terrorist.  Red Light

***Purple Panther***

The Phantom

The reason Africa doesn’t have any superheroes is because they were shipped to the US as slaves.

Sadly, the only guardian the Motherland has is the white guy in this action movie.

The legend of The Phantom has been told in African lore for generations. Now, like his father (Patrick McGoohan), Kit Walker (Billy Zane) must become The Ghost Who Walks.

Sworn to safeguard Bengalla, the purple protector returns when industrialist Xander Drax (Treat Williams), his deadly assistant (Catherine Zeta-Jones) and Kit’s ex-girlfriend (Kristy Swanson) come to the undisclosed island for the powerful Skulls of Touganda.

Released at the end of the pulp hero renaissance of the 1990s, this earnest adaptation of Lee Falk’s comic strip icon is faithful to its swashbuckling roots. And while its whitewashed veneer is troubling, the campy adventure remains fun.

Incidentally, strutting around the jungle in purple is an excellent way to attract a peahen.

He Wields a Power Ring Tone. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Ball Gag Order. He’s the…

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Week of May 11, 2018

Ceiling mirrors are impossible to clean. First up…

Fifty Shades Freed

A hidden benefit to BDSM relationships is the spanking prepares both participants for parenthood.

This romantic drama, however, occurs subsequent to the embargo on corporal punishment.

After he ties the matrimonial knot, Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) ties his new bride Anastasia Steele-Grey (Dakota Johnson) to their wedding bed and dominates her.

But the newlywed’s hedonistic honeymoon is cut short when Ana’s old boss turned crazed stalker (Eric Johnson) escapes from custody and kidnaps Christian’s adopted sister (Rita Ora). While the taciturn tycoon is willing to accept the kidnapper’s terms, he is hesitant to acknowledge the child growing inside of Ana.

Comprised predominantly of montages of clips from the previous two films, this final installment in the erotic journey limps towards the finish line with an undeveloped plot and insipid performances barely holding it together.

Incidentally, the best wedding gift to get a brooding billionaire in to bondage is a bat suit.  Red Light

 

Winchester

The upside to being a rich senior citizen is the ability to afford the best abusive retirement home.

Fortunately, the dowager in this horror movie also has the means to stay in her home.

Following her husband’s death in 1906 the Winchester Rifle Company dispatches Dr. Price (Jason Clarke) to evaluate the mental state of their new owner, Sarah Winchester (Helen Mirren), who is proposing they manufacture toys instead of weapons. Inside the Winchester mansion, Price learns of Sarah’s obsession with building new rooms onto the manor to appease the spirits of those killed by her family’s firearm.

While the Winchester Mystery House, its eccentric owner and her occult leanings are all based on fact, what transpires in this haunted house however is an absolute insult to the more fascinating biography laying dormant underneath this jump-scare schlock-fest.

Besides, nowadays every company is haunted by the spectre of bad online reviews.  Red Light

***Sexual Fantasy Island***

Exit to Eden  

Eroticism aside, tying up and gaging your partner is also a good way to just get some me time. 

Mind you, there isn’t much privacy at the BDSM resort in this comedy.

Jewel thief Omar and his partner (Iman) follow a fetish-loving photographer to an S&M themed island so they can erase the only image of Omar. But tailing the two crooks are two cops (Rosie O'Donnell, Dan Aykroyd) who awkwardly fumble their way around the resort in bondage gear.

Meanwhile, the sought after shutterbug has become the head dominatrix’s (Dana Delany) brand new submissive.

Released in 1994, director Gary Marshall’s comedic adaptation of author Anne Rice’s erotic thriller was light-years ahead of its time in terms of BDSM. However, its existence in obscenity is due largely in part to its immature humour and sexually repulsive detectives.

Thankfully, when police do make their arrest there are plenty of handcuffs around.

He’s Hard Corset. He's the...

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