Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Secret Identity Thief. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of September 28, 2012

Where did the phone booths go? First up…

The Avengers

The worst part of being on a super-team is the added expense of chipping-in for teammates birthday cakes.

Fortunately, the coworkers in this action movie are only at the preliminary stage of their squadron.

When Loki (Tom Hiddleston), the God of Mischief, bargains with an alien race, he is giving an army to conquer Earth with. In exchange, his partners desire an unimaginable power source.

The only thing stopping Loki from world domination is S.H.I.E.L.D. director Nick Fury’s (Samuel L. Jackson) Avengers Initiative, which is comprised of Earth’s mightiest beings: Iron Man (Robert Downey, Jr.), Captain America (Chris Evans), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) and Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson).

With eye-popping action and fanboy playfulness, this live-action interpretation of Marvel Comics’ premiere super-team is a pop art masterpiece.

Furthermore, its message of teamwork is imperative since that’s what it takes to clean up after The Avengers.  0

***Avengers: Resemble***

The Avengers

The problem with British super-heroes is that they fly on the wrong side of the sky.

Fortunately, the righters of wrongs in this action movie are of the non-powered variety.

When Sir August De Wynter (Sean Connery), former collaborator with The Ministry, threatens to use the world’s weather for his own benefit, the heads of the spy organization (Fiona Shaw, Jim Broadbent) assemble two apt agents, John Steed (Ralph Fiennes) and Dr. Emma Peel (Uma Thurman), to thwart any meteorological manipulations.

But as the partners pick apart De Wynter’s perplexing plan, they uncover evidence suggesting someone in the agency is working alongside the weather terrorist.

While this adaptation attempts to capture the psychedelic aspect of the cult spy series, it fails to make the story accessible to newcomers unfamiliar with its surreal nature.

On the bright side, with someone controlling the world’s weather, all those inept forecaster will be unemployed.

He'll Steal Your Thunder God. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Wears an Idiot Proof Vest. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of September 21, 2012

Triggers should have skill testing questions. First up…

The Cabin in the Woods

When spending time at a cabin in the woods it’s important to remember the essentials: beers, babes and bone cutters.

Unfortunately, the co-eds in this horror-comedy only brought 2 of the 3 basics with them, so there'll be plenty of gangrene.

Dana (Kristen Connolly) and her friends (Chris Hemsworth, Anna Hutchison, Fran Kranz, Jesse Williams) decide to stay at a shack in the sticks owned by a distant relative.

After settling in, the group uncovers a stash of scripture in the cellar that, when read aloud, brings the dead to life.

While carnage ensues above, beneath the cottage is a clandestine control centre, where loquacious technicians (Richard Jenkins, Bradley Whitford) manipulate the group’s emotions.

An abnormal fabrication of screams and laughs, Cabin in the Woods infuses sci-fi with the slasher genre and toys with its archetypes.

However, the scariest thing about a cabin in the woods remains: no Internet.  0

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

The thing about hotels for senior citizens is that the word "hotel" is just a code word for hospice.

However, in the case of this dramedy, hotel actually does mean hotel.

A group of elderly strangers meet on a flight to India: Evelyn (Judi Dench) is an indebted widowed, Muriel (Maggie Smith) is a cantankerous convalescent, Jean (Penelope Wilton) and Doug (Bill Nighy) are unhappily married, and Graham (Tom Wilkinson) is looking for a lost love.

Once in India, the group stays at the same rickety inn, run by a bungling manager (Dev Patel).

During their duration, each adapts to their new surroundings; gaining new perspective on their life in the process.

Squarely aimed at the senile, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel does deal with issues involving the heart that transcend age. Its British wit has a similar effect.

Incidentally, chocolates on the pillows in seniors’ hotel rooms are laxatives.  0

Katy Perry: Part of Me

This better not be the part of pop princess Katy Perry that suffers unsightly acne outbreaks.

Phew! This isn’t a feature-length Proactiv infomercial about Perry’s pimple preventative methods but a 3D documentary about her life.

Inviting a camera crew on her California Dreams Tour, the colourful crooner openly discusses her controversial transition from gospel singer to innuendo-laced performer.

Through family interviews and home movies, Perry’s path to the spotlight is well documented, as are her religious parents’ feelings towards their daughter’s lascivious lyrics. 

Between background stories and backstage antics, Perry performs hits from her repertoire festooned in garish candy-inspired costumes.

While fans of the soloist will enjoy seeing her outlandish stage show, detractors of the overtly sexual singer will simply see it as a marketing ploy by record executives to bolster album sales.

Unfortunately, this retrospective does not reveal which part of Katy Perry drove Russell Brand to divorce her.  0

***Creepy Cottage Industry***

Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn

9 out of 10 demons agree it’s more convenient to kill people in a tent than people in a cabin.

Unfortunately, the couple in this horror-comedy has no sacrificial campers on their lawn.

Ash (Bruce Campbell) and his girlfriend (Denise Bixler) decide to stay at a cabin in the woods.

After settling in, Ash uncovers a recording from the previous lodger that reads from an ancient tome: Necronomicon Ex-Mortis.

Playing the passages aloud awakens an evil entity in the cabin, which then possesses Ash’s girlfriend.

Meanwhile, the daughter (Sarah Berry) of the man on the tape shows up with her research assistant, her hillbilly guides and missing pages from the book.

More a remake than a sequel, director Sam Raimi works the kinks out of his own original by infusing humour and introducing filmdom’s most revered anti-hero.

Incidentally, the easiest way to de-terrify a cabin in the woods is clear-cutting. 

He’s got Haunted Cabin Fever. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's the Immoral of the Story. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of September 14, 2012

Sleepy Beauty was roofied. First up…

Snow White and the Huntsman

Oh, boy! I can’t wait to see some axe-wielding nimrod pursuing his prey while coked out on fresh powder.

Hold on! Snow White in this fantasy appears to be a woman and not some epic nose candy.

Following her mother’s death, Snow White’s (Kristen Stewart) father marries Ravenna (Charlize Theron), a woman fixated on youth.

Ravenna’s reign is meteoric and merciless. Discarding of the King, she imprisons Snow in hopes of eating her heart.

When Snow escapes, a huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) is sent to kill her - instead he falls in love. 

With the aid of seven dwarves (Nick Frost, Ray Winstone, Ian McShane), the couple helms an attack on the Queen and her magic mirror.

A violent interpretation of the Grimm fairy tale, the aesthetics of SWATH are noteworthy; however, save for Theron, the performances are preposterous. 

As for the moral of the story: to stay young, eat young.  0

What to Expect When Expecting

The first thing to expect when you are expecting is Maury Povich to invite you onto his talk show to ascertain the real father of your kid.

Fortunately the women in this dramedy know who impregnated them.

Wendy (Elizabeth Banks) is expecting her first child with her husband (Ben Falcone) whose competitive father (Dennis Quaid) is having twins with his much younger wife (Brooklyn Decker).

Holly (Jennifer Lopez) and her husband Alex (Rodrigo Santoro) are thinking about adoption. To acclimatize Alex, Holly sends him to a group of dads (Chris Rock, Thomas Lennon, Rob Huebel) who philosophize about fatherhood.

With three other inane stories synchronized to the aforementioned, it’s hard to keep track of everything going on, let alone care about the couples in this adaptation of the pregnancy guide.

As for my stance on pregnancy: Women should give birth the old fashion way...in a nuns' convent, in shame.  0

***Afterbirth Day*** 

Rumpelstiltskin

The argument for and against removing a boy’s rumpelstiltskin is a gross one that should not be depicted in a movie.

Fortunately, the rumpelstiltskin in this horror is a goblin that steals children, not the removal of access epidermis. 

Centuries ago, a demonic creature christened Rumpelstiltskin was forever encased inside of a bauble.

Nowadays, Rumpelstiltskin’s ornate prison finds itself on a dusty shelf of a store dedicated to the occult. 

One day, mom Shelley (Kim Johnston Ulrich) happens upon the curio shop and enters. Captivated by the object, she purchases it and takes it home.

But when the creepy tchotchke is accidentally trashed, Rumpelstiltskin escapes and carries on his baby-napping ways - starting with Shelley’s newborn.

Inspired by the Grimm fairy tale, this low-budget parable’s attempt at terror only results in laughable performances and a weak plot.

Besides, if he’s so into baby-napping, why doesn’t Rumpelstiltskin just become an au pair?

He’s a Folk Laureate. He's the...

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