Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Spitting Image. He’s the…

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Week of August 29, 2014

Twins are nature’s redundancy. First up…

 

The Double

The reason people don’t recognize their doppelganger is because they suffer from body dysmorphic disorder.

Thankfully the duplicated office drone in this dark comedy can distinguish his double.

Simon (Jesse Eisenberg) is a milksop who one day discovers that the new hire at his work, James (Jesse Eisenberg), is a cocksure copy of himself.

Outshining him in front of their boss (Wallace Shawn) and out charming him around his neighbour (Mia Wasikowska), Simon soon feels as though he is being usurped and fazed out by James.

Spiraling out of control Simon must take drastic actions if he wants to keep his girl and his sanity.

A dimly lit phantasmagoria of Kafkaesque strangeness and Lychian surrealism, this adaptation of Dostoyevsky’s short story maybe morose and befuddling, but its gallows humor and ambition performances help balance out the ambiguity.

Incidentally, having a twin means only having to run half of a marathon.  Yellow Light

 

The Quiet Ones

The key to conjuring up a spirit is pretending that your flashlight is the way to heaven.

      

However the scholars in this horror movie have more torturous techniques in mind.

In a secluded English manor, Prof. Coupland (Jared Harris), his cameraman (Sam Claflin) and his two assistants (Erin Richards, Rory Fleck-Byrne) conduct experiments on Jane (Olivia Cooke), an imprisoned patient believed to be possessed.

Attempting to disprove the existence of ghosts, Coupland and his crew must now cope with the evil entity that Jane has manifested through the house’s dark history.

Inspired by a real-life Canadian experiment carried out in the seventies, this latest entry in the revived Hammer Horror franchise is its weakest yet.

An aimless exorcist retread with forced frights and unlikable characters, The Quiet Ones is as insubstantial its the ectoplasmic subject matter.

Besides, the only ghosts interested in being caught on camera are dead reality stars.  Red Light

***The Riel World***

My Winnipeg

When holding a mirror up to your hometown it’s important to do it from far, far away.

The raconteur of this mockumentary, however, cannot escape his birthplace.

Guy Maddin (Darcy Fehr) hopes recounting his childhood in Winnipeg will free him from its magnetic pull.

From the underground confluence beneath the Forks, to the secondary roadways running through the back lanes of the West End, the narrator (Guy Maddin) draws comparisons to his overbearing mother (Ann Savage).

His revelry for séance’s at the Legislative building and roaming sleepwalkers is revealed only by his dismay over losing the local hockey team, and the herd of racehorses frozen in the Red River.

Sometimes factual, most often fictional, surrealist filmmaker Guy Madden forgoes the snowscape stereotype, instead using his abstract black and white style to enhance the city’s inexplicable allure.

Incidentally that murky quality to the cityscape is a result of fogging for mosquitoes.

He’s a Golden Boycott. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

​​He’ll Die Retrying. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of August 22, 2014

You only relive twice. First up…

The Amazing Spider-Man 2

The problem with killing a radioactive human/arachnid hybrid is it rains for, like, 6-weeks straight.

Luckily the wall-crawler in this action movie is hard to squash.

Concerned that his actions as Spider-Man could jeopardize Gwen (Emma Stone), Peter (Andrew Garfield) breaks things off with her.

To keep his mind occupied, he bonds with Aunt May (Sally Fields) and battles with Rhino (Paul Giamatti), Electro (Jamie Foxx) and the Green Goblin (Dane DeHaan).

And while fate ultimately brings Peter and Gwen back together, it also heralds Spider-Man’s greatest loss.

Although it’s bloated on villains, this sequel is the closest to the character this franchise has come.

Garfield’s bogus Brooklyn accent notwithstanding, his sinewy stature and breezy banter evokes Marvel’s mascot better than his predecessor.

What's more, its treatment of the infamous Gwen Stacy story-line is long-winded but laudable.

However, nothing is more humiliating than a super-hero walking his girlfriend’s teacup Chihuahuas.  Green Light

Blended

When combining two families into one you may find redundancies amongst the children.

However the blended family in this comedy is keeping their brood intact.

Lauren (Drew Barrymore), a single-mother of two, goes out with Jim (Adam Sandler), widowed father of three girls, and it ends terribly.

However, happenstance reunites them at the pharmacy then again at Lauren’s home, and lastly in Africa, where their families are amalgamated and sent on a “familymoon”.

Forced into couple’s activities, Lauren and Jim soften towards each other, if only until they return stateside.

While this third pairing of Barrymore and Sandler endeavors to deal with weightier issues, like children losing a parent and the complications involved in moving on, but any hope of sincerity is lost in a sea of trivial humour and offensive stereotypes.

And as always, the best way for new families to break the ice is to get shitfaced together.  Red Light

***Step-by-Step Parent***

A Very Brady Sequel

The hardest part of blending families is when two kids have the same name.

Fortunately, none of the step-siblings in this comedy share a moniker.

When Carol’s (Shelley Long) long thought dead first husband (Tim Matheson) turns out to be very much alive, her marriage to Mike Brady (Gary Cole) and the home they’ve built with their six children, Greg (Christopher Daniel Barnes), Marcia (Christine Taylor), Jan (Jennifer Elise Cox), Bobby (Jesse Lee Soffer) Cindy (Olivia Hack), and housekeeper (Henriette Mantel) is jeopardized.

But their bond is tightened when their mom is kidnapped and the gang must head to Hawaii to rescue her.

One of the few sequels - especially a comedy - to equal its original, this lampoon of the beloved 1970s sit-com plays on familiar themes from the show but with tongue-in-cheek and incestual innuendo.

Besides, you’re not genetically related, so why can’t you French kiss your step-pet?

He’s a Broken Home Builder. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Backhand Puppet. He’s the…

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Week of August 15, 2014

Marionettes come with strings attached. First up…

Muppets Most Wanted

If the Muppets ever died in a theater fire, it would be the most delicious tragedy ever.

Fortunately, the anthropomorphic entertainers in this family film don’t have a theater to charbroil in.

Riding high off of their return to pop culture, Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy and the rest of their vaudevillian comrades ponder their next step.

Approached by talent agent (Ricky Gervais) to tour Europe, the gang naively agrees.

However, the gigs are just a cover so Kermit’s criminal doppelganger can steal the Crown Jewels of England.

Meanwhile, the real Kermit rots in a Gulag inhabited by Russia’s roughest prisoners (Ray Liotta, Tom Hiddleston, Jemaine Clement, Josh Groban) and cruelest guards (Tina Fey, Toby Jones, Stanley Tucci).

With cheeky ditties, self-deprecating celebrities and social satirizing at their finest, this eighth addition to the canon ranks among the franchise’s funniest.

Coincidentally, in prison most inmates are treated like hand puppets.  Green Light

Locke

The ingenious thing about handsfree is it allows you to put both hands on that circular device that guides the tires.

Luckily, advanced mechanics is not required for this drama.

On the eve of the biggest concrete pour of his career, Locke (Tom Hardy) faces the biggest quandary of his life when the woman he had an affair with goes into labour.

Unwilling to abandon the child like his father did him, Locke drives to London to be with her, at the expense of an evening with his family.

Meanwhile, it’s up to Locke’s assistant (Ben Daniels) to save tomorrow’s pour, under Locke’s guidance.

Told through phone calls had in a car, Locke makes great use of voice acting to propel the narrative; however, the humdrum subject matter doesn't lend well to the medium.

Besides driving, the only other calls you need to make handsfree are to phone sex workers.  Yellow Light

Filth

The upside to being a corrupt cop is that you’ll have plenty of friends when you go to prison.

And while this crime-dramedy isn’t about being the new fish, it is about being a pig.

Tasked with finding the street-gang that killed a Chinese student, Detective Sergeant Bruce Robertson (James McAvoy) stumbles his way through the case drunk, high and horny.

All the while scheming his co-workers (Jamie Bell, Imogen Poots) out of a coveted promotion, and making dirty phone calls.

Plagued by animal faced hallucination and sexual deviancy, Bruce descends into self-medicated madness where he uncovers the reason behind his hesitancy towards the case.

Based on the book by Irvine Welsh, Filth is a grimy farm animal allegory that will offend with its amorality and brutality as often as it entertains with its over-the-top scenes of absurdity and drug-fuel debauchery.

Incidentally, joining a corrupt police force is relatively inexpensive.  Green Light

 

A Haunted House 2

The best way to protect your new home from becoming a haven for supernatural entities is to convert into a sage grow-op.

Mind you, the homeowner in this comedy would likely grow something greener.

After his girlfriend (Essence Atkins) is killed, Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) moves in with a white girl (Jaime Pressly) and her daughter (Ashley Rickards).

Shortly after moving in Malcolm again feels the presence of evil. However, this time it comes in the form of a demonically possessed doll and teenager.

Seeking the advice of religious and spiritual experts (Cedric the Entertainer, Missi Pyle, Hayes MacArthur) Malcolm attempts to exercise his abode.

Meanwhile, his reanimated ex has moved in next-door.

The same low-end parody as the first, part 2 continues to lampoon the latest crop of exorcist inspired horror movies with disastrously and humorless results.

Furthermore, aren't all blended family homes required to have a black-and-white picket fence?  Red Light

***Haunted Housing Market***

 

​

Hausu (House)

The key to selling a haunted house is staging it with spider-webs, chalk outlines and portraits with peepholes cut in them.

However, it is the portrait itself providing the scares in this horror movie.

Gorgeous (Kimiko Ikegami) and her classmates (Ai Matsubara, Eriko Tanaka, Miki Jinbo, Mieko Sato, Masayo Miyako, Kumiko Oba) head to her aunt’s house for the summer when her father’s new girlfriend ruins her vacation plans.

It’s not long before they find themselves terrorized by a bloodthirsty grand piano, an ectoplasm spewing cat portrait that has been watching them since they arrived, and a women in a white wedding gown.

A uniquely bizarre viewing experience, this 1977 Japanese import uses animation and puppetry to bring its warped brand of gruesomeness to life.   

Visually appealing and appalling, Hausu is a benchmark in cult cinema.

As for the best way to kill a possessed house: insulate it with asbestos.

He makes Morgue-age Payments. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He has Remixed Emotions. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of August 8, 2014

Only the medicated can be perpetually happy. First up…

Divergent

In most dystopian scenarios the human race is divided into two groups: meat and not meat.

However, the futuristic civilization in this sci-fi film is split into five.

Abnegation (altruistic) from birth, Tris (Shailene Woodley) was raised in a post-apocalyptic Chicago.

On her 16th birthday, she gets to decide if she would rather be Amity (passive), Erudite (academic), Candor (truthful) or Dauntless (fearless).

While she chooses the latter, her State aptitude test revels she is all five, and thus Divergent.

Meanwhile, the head of Erudite (Kate Winslet) is using mind-control on Dauntless soldiers to eradicate the Abnegation. 

Based on the popular YA novel, Divergent mimics others of its ilk in terms of it hierarchical society and puerile romance; however, it deviates from the pack when it comes to its higher caliber of acting and directing.

Incidentally, allotment in any setting - apocalyptic or not - is usually by someone's race.  Yellow Light

Need for Speed

The key to a successful video game movie is getting women excited about watching their boyfriend watch it for hours.

Fortunately, this cartridge based action movie attempts to engage ignored girlfriends as well.

Released after serving time for his brother’s street racing death, Tobey (Aaron Paul) sets out to catch the real culprit, car enthusiast Dino (Dominic Cooper).

But to prove it was Dino who killed his brother, Tobey must do the impossible and win a cross-country race organized by the elusive Monarch (Michael Keaton).

Riding shotgun is the owner (Imogen Poots) of the Shelby that Tobey will be careening the Pacific Coast Highway at high-speeds in.

Based on the popular racing game, this big-screen adaptation delivers the stylized street-races the franchise is known for, but fails to trick it out with a credible story or capable leads.

Incidentally, the winner of street-races that end in driver fatality are the general public.  Red Light

 

Oculus

Until now, the only monsters in mirrors were women before they put their make-up on.

However, no eye shadow could titivate the mirror-eyed apparition in this horror movie.

Eleven years after confessing to police that a possessed mirror murdered his parents, Tim (Brenton Thwaites) is released from a mental institute.

Reunited with his sister Kaylie (Karen Gillan), who can attest to supernatural involvement, Tim is also brought back together with the antique mirror he believes is responsible.

Purchased by their parents (Rory Cochrane, Katee Sackhoff), who were driven insane by it, Kaylie and Tim plan to capture the creature within its surface on camera and kill it.

With both timelines told simultaneously, Occulus reveals its intricacies methodically. Well told and well executed, the scares are psychological and startling.    

By the way, the best way to ward off evil spirits living in old mirrors is to install it above your bed.  Green Light 

 ***The Human Raceway***

Death Race 2000

The one thing to look forward to in a dystopian society is the live broadcast of the annual human blood sport.

Thankfully, this post-apocalyptic action movie has full coverage.

In the year 2000, a band of rebels plot to usurp the omnipotent Mr. President (Sandy McCallum) by sabotaging a state sanctioned death race across country in which racers garner points by running over pedestrians

While their efforts work on lesser racers like Machine-Gun Joe (Sylvester Stallone), Nero the Hero (Martin Kove) and Matilda the Hun (Roberta Collins), it fails when it comes to the mysterious wheelman Frankenstein (David Carradine).

Produced by B-Movie schlockmeister Roger Corman, this 1975 adaptation of an obscure fantasy novel was and is still ahead of its time in terms of apocalyptic parables - but not so much in the over-the-top acting or trashy special effects.

Incidentally, if a points system were instated, hit-and-run drivers would come forward.

He’s a Mixed Race-car Driver. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a God Shearing Man. He’s the…

Vidiot 

Week of August 1, 2014

Moses had the first tablet. First up…

Noah

A good prank to play on God would’ve been for Noah to load the Ark with only same-sex animals.

Unfortunately, there are few practical jokes to be found in this drama.

Fed up with how corrupt humans have become, The Creator decides to cleanse Earth with a fatal flood.

Sharing this with Noah (Russell Crowe) in a dream, The Creator instructs him to build a large vessel for him, his family (Jennifer Connelly, Emma Watson, Douglas Booth, Logan Lerman, Leo McHugh Carroll) and Earth’s fauna to dwell in during the deluge.

Standing in their way, however, is an army of the forsaken lead by the son of Cain (Ray Winstone).

Loosely based on the biblical account, this visually striking re-imagining establishes its otherworldliness early on with angelic rock giants, but later balances it with earthbound quandaries concerning Noah’s extremist views.

In addition to animals, paddle boarders also survived the flood.  Green Light

The Other Woman

Married men have had women on the side since biblical times - just ask Adam’s first wife Lilith.

And while this comedy is a modern take on infidelity, the scorned wife’s retribution is biblical.

Carly (Cameron Diaz), a successful lawyer, is stocked by Kate (Leslie Mann), the insecure wife of Mark (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau), the man Carly has been sleeping with.

Eventually, the pair plan their payback, which includes hair-removal product in Mark’s shampoo and estrogen in his food.

But things take a turn for the worst when they not only discover he has a much younger second mistress (Kate Upton) but has been making bad business deals in Kate’s name.

While the chemistry between the women works to a degree, their childish brand of reprisal is ruthless and reprehensible. Meanwhile, its formulaic ending offers little female empowerment.

Furthermore, if women keep degrading themselves like this they won’t need men anymore.  Red Light

***Little Grrrls Room***

The Punk Singer

The key to empowering women is to tell’em men are into empowered woman.

Or, you could do as this documentary denotes and front a punk band.

From her humble beginnings as a spoken-word poet, Kathleen Hanna has confronted audiences with feminist issues.

However, it wasn’t until she learned that she could reach a wider audience through music that Hanna’s unique voice was finally heard.

Through her bands Bikini Kill, Le Tigre, The Julie Ruin, and her outspoken contributions to ‘zines, Hanna pioneered the Riot Grrl movement.

Entrenched in the ‘90s music scene, she also influenced Kurt Cobain and Sonic Youth. 

But in 2005 her successful singing career ended under a cloud of secrecy. 

Insightful and engaging, The Punk Singer is a rousing portrait of an activist and artist few know, but many should respect.

Furthermore, feminism and punk rock have a lot in common: piercings, hair dye and no mainstream acceptance.

He’s an Opposite Sex Pistol. He’s the… 

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