Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Permanent Re-marker. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 26, 2011

Writers live in utter scrawler. 

RED

If you’re superannuated from the CIA, the acronym RED stands for Retired, Extremely Dangerous.

However, if you’re a regular pensioner, RED just means Retired, Extreme Dementia.

And while ex-CIA agent Frank (Bruce Willis) is compos mentis in this action/comedy, to him the definition of RED is Retired, Extreme Doting.

Spending the majority of his retirement chatting via phone with pension representative Sarah (Mary-Louise Parker), Frank is stunned when his black-ops past comes back to haunt him in the form of a CIA hit squad.

With Sarah’s life now in jeopardy and an upstart agent (Keith Urban) on his trail, Frank convenes with his former-hit squad (Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich, Helen Mirren) and together they wage war on their former agency and a sadistic presidential hopeful.

Based on Warren Ellis’ comic book, RED is rich with laughs and bullets, a risqué combination that hasn’t worked since that tragic comedy club shooting.  0

Secretariat

Unlike human steroid users, when a racehorse dopes, any genital shrinkage is inconsequential, since they’re a horse.

And while the big red thoroughbred in this bio-drama doesn’t do drugs, he certainly performs like he does.

When her father (Scott Glen) takes ill, a naïve yet determined housewife, Penny Chenery (Diane Lane), decides to manage his stables.

With little knowledge of the sport of horseracing, she taps retired trainer Lucien Laurin (John Malkovich) to cultivate her hopeful colt. Reluctant off the gate, once he sees the foal run, Lucien commits.

With her team in place, Penny takes her pony to the track where it becomes legendary.

Based on the true story of the Triple Crown winning wonder horse, Secretariat may gallop on familiar ground, but its heartwarming nature is sincere.  

What’s more, whoever watches it the fastest gets a garland of roses and all the chaff and oats they can eat!  0

Saw: The Final Chapter

Sure they say it’s the “final chapter” but you know there’s going to be a Saw: The Epilogue, Saw: The Addendum, and Saw: The Author’s Bio and Photo.

Oops! Apparently, this isn’t the novel version of the popular torture-horror franchise, but the series’ conclusion.

When Bobby (Sean Patrick Flanery) writes a book about his heroic escape from one of Jigsaw’s famed death traps, he becomes a best-selling author.

Later when Bobby’s claims are exposed as lies, the cop posing as the deceased Jigsaw (Costas Mandylor) kidnaps him, his wife and his manager, and locks them in an insane asylum where they must best his elaborate devices for real.

Elsewhere, Jigsaw’s ex-wife (Betsy Russell) seeks police asylum from her husband’s apprentice.

While the traps are still clever, the intricate storyline that’s been building over the previous 6 installments fizzles.   

Besides, if we start killing dishonest authors, God would be in trouble.  0   

The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets’ Nest

If you’re planning to kick a hornets’ nest, it’s advised that you kick a bag of EpiPens directly afterwards. 

And while the girl in the conclusion to the Millennium Trilogy isn’t literally kicking a hornets’ nest, she is stirring up trouble for retired members of the Swedish Security Service.

Waking up in a hospital, after being shot by her former Soviet agent father and hulking half-brother, hacker Lisbeth Salander (Noomi Rapace) struggles to stay alive long enough to see the doctor who raped her go to jail.

Meanwhile, journalist Mikael Blomkvist (Michael Nyqvist) and his editor receive death threats for their coverage of Lisbeth’s trial.

Though it ties up the loose ends, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets’ Nest does so in a confusing, tedious fashion, with far less oomph than the trilogy’s antepenultimate and penultimate installments.

Besides, why kick hornets’ when it’s more fun to tear their wings off?  0

***On An Equestrian***

The Black Stallion

The best thing about being stranded on an island with a horse is that you get you’re own private handsome cab.

And while the steed in this drama isn’t pulling a buggy, a tiny person is riding on its back.

When the ship they are traveling on begins to sink, Alec (Kelly Reno) rescues a wild Arabian stallion from drowning. Later, they awaken on an uninhabited island, where the fickle foal and the patient young boy slowly begin to bond.

When they return to America, they take that relationship one length further and hook up with a retired jockey (Mickey Rooney), who begins to train the newly christened “The Black” as a racehorse and Alec as its jockey.

Exemplifying the unspoken connection between horse and rider perfectly, The Black Stallion is an honest and inspiring family classic. Even if, the real bond in horseracing is between racehorse and riding crop.

He’s a Thorough-in-bred. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Flashing Before Your Eyes. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 20, 2011

If you love photography, you’d better love weddings. First up…

The Switch

In order to obtain a baby these days, all a childless couple has to do is solicit the rejects from the Teen Mom auditions.

Unfortunately, if you’re a single parent, like the one in this comedy, finding the time to harass a 16-year-old for their bastard is tough.

When Kassie’s (Jennifer Aniston) maternal clock starts ticking, she must obey.

But since the only man in her life happens to be her neurotic friend Wally (Jason Bateman), she opts for artificial insemination.

However, that doesn’t sit well with Wally, who switches the donor’s (Patrick Wilson) sperm for his own.

Seven years later, he must atone for his transgression when Kassie and her neurotic son return to NYC.

Focused more on the male lead than the female, The Switch is a guy-friendly romantic-comedy. Unfortunately, its charm lacks stamina.

Furthermore, what guy wouldn’t want to leave someone else’s sperm behind all the time? 0

Takers

The best way for criminals to avoid the curse of the “one last job” is to quit on their second last job.

Unfortunately, the retiring robbers in this thriller went ahead with their last heist. What’s more they allowed their recently paroled comrade to organize it.

After he is released from prison, Ghost (T.I.) wastes no time in contacting his former crew (Idris Elba, Paul Walker, Hayden Christensen, Michael Ealy and Chris Brown) about putting something together.

Although they are skeptical, his former cohorts ultimately decide to join Ghost in holding up an armoured trunk.

Meanwhile, a persistent police officer (Matt Dillon) gets wind of their plans and tries to abate them.

While the story lacks character development and originality, Takers does boast some decent shootouts.

As for the best way to rob an armoured truck driver: stand outside the bank in a giant sack with a $ on it. 0

Buried

The best part of burying someone alive is that you don’t have to waste money on embalming fluid.

And while the man in this mystery wasn’t buried alive to save money, he is submerged six-feet-under regardless.

When Paul (Ryan Reynolds), an American truck driver working in Iraq, wakes up inside of a wooden casket buried in the desert, he’s told by his kidnapper that he must raise $5M if he wants to live.

Using his cell phone, he contacts his family, his employer, and his government for help, but only gets the runaround, red tape and reprimanded for his past indiscretions.

Told entirely from the cramped confines of the makeshift sarcophagus, Buried is an ingenuous thriller that doesn’t concede from constricting the viewer until it has reached its contentious crescendo.

The easiest way, however, to get your grave excavated via cell phone is to order a pepperoni and shovel pizza.  0

***Dinner Departing***

Rope

Usually, when there’s a corpse at your dinner party, it means that the nude woman covered in sushi has died.

However, in the case of this twisted get-together thrown by a pair of arrogant academics, the stiff is intentional.

After strangling their former school chum–in order to commit the perfect crime–Brandon (John Dall) and Phillip (Farley Granger) store the carcass in a wooden chest. 

To further prove their brilliance, the erudite pair invites the victim's father, fiancée, and their old teacher (Jimmy Stewart) to dinner, where the chest and its macabre contents serve as the centerpiece.

Though the guests are blissfully unaware of the corpse, the astute educator begins to suspect foul play.

Directed by Alfred Hitchcock, Rope is a cerebral cat and mouse yarn told entirely from the living room of a posh Manhattan apartment.

Furthermore, once rigor mortis sets in you got yourself a mushroom bar.

He's the Main Coarse. He's the...

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Filing for Chapter 2011. He’s the….

Vidiot

Week of January 13, 2011

There should be no bills until February. First up…

The Social Network

Usually, when a nerd invents something, it is promptly captured, decapitated, and the stolen panties returned to the girls’ dormitory.

However, in the case of this dorkenstein, his creation was allowed to flourish.

After he is dumped, a supercilious Harvard student, Mark (Jesse Eisenberg), creates a vicious website that attracts the affluent eyes of the Winklevoss twins (Armie Hammer).

After agreeing to program a social networking website for them, Mark then takes their concept to his benefactor Eduardo (Andrew Garfield) and begins work on his own social network.

When the site launches, so, too, do lawsuits from the twins, as well as Eduardo.

The analysis of an asshole, The Social Network is a profound film, thanks to director David Fincher and Jesse Eisenberg’s haunting performance.

And the best thing about communicating via electronic devices is that–just like in real-world conversations–you never have to look away from the screen.  0

Piranha

If piranhas were smart, they would spend less time eating humans and more time winning live cow eating contests.

Unfortunately, the ferocious fish in this horror movie would rather masticate mammaries at the beach than hit the circuit.

When an earthquake opens a fissure at the bottom of an Arizona lake, a prehistoric race of super piranha is released upon throngs of unsuspecting spring breakers.

Now, it is up to the sheriff (Elisabeth Shue) and a seismologist (Adam Scott) to not only rescue her children from an adult film director’s (Jerry O'Connell) boat, but also find a way of abating the bloodthirsty beasties.

Chockfull of nude babes, ravenous game, and preposterous amounts of gore, this remake stays true to its roots, while still managing to appeal to modern audiences insatiable bloodlust.

And while hungry piranhas are bad, what’s worse is that it’s spring break, so they’re probably also really stoned.  0

Alpha and Omega

Gift shopping for a she-wolf must be difficult, since they already own a permanent fur coat.

Fortunately, the male wolf in this animated movie isn’t expected to purchase any luxuries for his she-wolf.

A pair of polar opposite wolves from Jasper National Park, Kate (Hayden Panettiere) and Humphrey (Justin Long), are relocated to a park in Idaho where they are expected to repopulate the wolf species.

Desperate to return to their home–where both of their wolf packs are warring over communal hunting grounds–Kate and Humphrey seek the travel guidance of a French-Canadian goose (Larry Miller).

Ill-conceived and poorly animated, Alpha and Omega is schlocky at best. The story is familiar, the subject matter is abnormal and the musical numbers featuring the wolves singing and dancing on their hindquarters is off-putting.

Besides, why would a couple of hungry wolves ever return to Canada when Americans are so much plumper?  0

***Nerd World Order***

Pirates of Silicon Valley

Customarily, a revolutionary should be persuasive, have bravado and weird facial hair.

And while the two visionaries in this docudrama lack all of the above, they did birth the digital revolution.

During the making of Apple’s seminal 1984-inspired commercial, Steve Jobs (Noah Wyle) recounts the events that lead to this point.

Flashing back and fourth across timelines, from his school days at Berkeley, where he and Steve Wozniak (Joey Slotnick) planted the first Apple seed, to his triumphant 1997 return to the company, Pirates of Silicon Valley doesn’t hold back, especially when it comes to Jobs’ ongoing rivalry with Harvard dropout and competitor Bill Gates (Anthony Michael Hall).

Though it is a bit corny, this 1999 made-for-TV-movie is an intriguing look at the two men, their companies and the purportedly stolen software that made them both gods.

In fact, without them, I’d have to write this wihto ut spel chek.

He's Casting a Spell Check. He's the...

Vidiot  

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Epiphunny. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 6, 2011

Get ready for some in-your-faith comedy? First up…

Dinner for Schmucks

The best thing about inviting schmucks to dinner is that you can serve them breakfast and they’ll never grasp the irony.

However, the dolt in this rambunctious comedy may not even possess the smarts to make it to the meal.  

After landing a Swiss mogul (David Walliams), the tenacious Tim (Paul Rudd) is finally recognized by the higher ups at his firm. Unfortunately that involves participating in their twisted games.

When his boss (Bruce Greenwood) orders him to invite a putz to a dinner where all of the executives can mock them, Tim abides.

But, by inviting an eccentric part-time taxidermist (Steve Carell) to the feast, Tim may have bitten off more than he can chew.

Despite its illustrious cast, this English remake of The Dinner Game fails to dish-out even one comedic morsel.

Furthermore, inviting idiots to a resplendent repast is a necessity – who’s going to wash the dishes?  0

Machete

Immigrants are employed in low-paying jobs because the enactment of child labour laws made it illegal for babies to drive you to the airport.

And while a child could fertilize your lawn, why not do as this satire suggests and get a Mexican to do it.

Left for dead by a drug czar (Steven Seagal), a betrayed Federale (Danny Trejo) is reborn as a Mexican folk hero.

Hell-bent on revenge, he partners with an ICE agent (Jessica Alba) and a radical (Michelle Rodriguez).

Together, they uncover a Mexican extradition scheme backed by a treacherous businessman (Jeff Fahey) and a xenophobic Senator (Robert De Niro).

The full-length feature of Robert Rodriguez’ movie trailer for Grind House, Machete exceeds expectations: the violence is visceral, the gore is grandiose and the message of dissent is delivered. 

Ironically, by starring in a major motion picture, the Mexican lead has now become a myth himself.  0

The Last Exorcism

While demonic possession is a bad thing, having a constant body temperature of 198.6 degrees would cut your heating bill in half.

Unfortunately, the vessel for evil in this malevolent mockumentary may not even know she’s hosting the beast.

With a camera crew documenting his every move, former teen evangelist turned cynical charlatan Reverend Marcus (Patrick Fabian) embarks on his final exorcism.

Summoned to an isolated community where a girl (Ashley Bell) is possessed by the "Devil", the Reverend soon discovers she is actually pregnant.

With no boyfriend evident, the Reverend suspects that the girl may be the victim of incest; however, the truth behind her child’s conception is much more haunting.

Weaving a delicate mystery in amongst the standard shaky-cam scares, The Last Exorcism uses its low-budget logic to mastermind an unsettling stunner.

As for those who don’t believe in demonic possession – what do you think PMS is?  0

Case 39 

The reason why demons prefer to inhabit females over males is probably because their hot flashes remind them of home.

And while the female in this horror-thriller hasn’t reached menopause yet, a demonic spirit does occupy her body.

When do-gooder, social worker, Emily (Renée Zellweger), accepts her 39th case, she is ecstatic to once again help a child in need.

Arriving at the Sullivan home, however, she is shocked to discover how blatant the abuse against 10-year-old Lillith (Jodelle Ferland) is.

Ordering the immediate detainment of the parents, Emily takes Lillith home with her. A gesture she later regrets when she learns Lillith is a demon that thrives on kindness.

Though the story is unbalanced and the acting tacky, Case 39 is salvageable thanks to its rare glimpses of demonic brilliance.

In fact, I hope this encourages social workers to leave those troubled kids alone and take home a meth-head instead.  0

Catfish

The best thing about Internet dating is that–as a guy–you don’t have to pay for anything.

Unfortunately, the online lothario in this handheld mockumentary does have to pay for food and gas, because he and his camera crew are going to meet his “girlfriend” for the first time.

After one of his photos appears in the newspaper, Nev (Yaniv Schulman) begins to receive paintings from an 8-year-old girl in Michigan.

Maintaining an online relationship with the child and her mother–who attests her daughter’s art sells for thousands of dollars–Nev is later introduced to the eldest: Megan. Enamored by her profile photo, Nev encourages a face-to-face meeting.

An examination of the social networking phenomenon and the human psyche that feeds it, Catfish is a movie that's deceptive and demeaning as well as heart-wrenchingly real.

That’s not to say that love can’t be found online. It can – but with yourself.  0

***Telephone Poltergeist*** 

Ghost in the Machine

The worst thing about being an online serial killer is that Internet users can leave comments about how “gay” your murders are.

Fortunately, the serial killer caught in cyberspace here can retaliate against such cowardly remarks.

When the Address Book Killer (Ted Marcoux) gets into an accident, he’s taken to the hospital. As his injured body lies inside of an MRI, an electrical storm causes his mind to be transferred into a nearby computer.

Able to continue carrying out his murderous rampage, by possessing electrical appliances, ABK targets Terry (Karen Allen) and the contacts in her little black book.

Now, her and her computer hacker friend must trick the killer into accepting a virus.

Although dated, and poorly acted, this 1993 horror movie has some interesting ideas when it comes to cyber-slayings.

As for how to spot an online serial killer – they’re the one who’s wearing someone else’s profile picture.

He's Turned Online. He's the...

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