Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Filing for Chapter 2011. He’s the….

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Week of January 13, 2011

There should be no bills until February. First up…

The Social Network

Usually, when a nerd invents something, it is promptly captured, decapitated, and the stolen panties returned to the girls’ dormitory.

However, in the case of this dorkenstein, his creation was allowed to flourish.

After he is dumped, a supercilious Harvard student, Mark (Jesse Eisenberg), creates a vicious website that attracts the affluent eyes of the Winklevoss twins (Armie Hammer).

After agreeing to program a social networking website for them, Mark then takes their concept to his benefactor Eduardo (Andrew Garfield) and begins work on his own social network.

When the site launches, so, too, do lawsuits from the twins, as well as Eduardo.

The analysis of an asshole, The Social Network is a profound film, thanks to director David Fincher and Jesse Eisenberg’s haunting performance.

And the best thing about communicating via electronic devices is that–just like in real-world conversations–you never have to look away from the screen.  0

Piranha

If piranhas were smart, they would spend less time eating humans and more time winning live cow eating contests.

Unfortunately, the ferocious fish in this horror movie would rather masticate mammaries at the beach than hit the circuit.

When an earthquake opens a fissure at the bottom of an Arizona lake, a prehistoric race of super piranha is released upon throngs of unsuspecting spring breakers.

Now, it is up to the sheriff (Elisabeth Shue) and a seismologist (Adam Scott) to not only rescue her children from an adult film director’s (Jerry O'Connell) boat, but also find a way of abating the bloodthirsty beasties.

Chockfull of nude babes, ravenous game, and preposterous amounts of gore, this remake stays true to its roots, while still managing to appeal to modern audiences insatiable bloodlust.

And while hungry piranhas are bad, what’s worse is that it’s spring break, so they’re probably also really stoned.  0

Alpha and Omega

Gift shopping for a she-wolf must be difficult, since they already own a permanent fur coat.

Fortunately, the male wolf in this animated movie isn’t expected to purchase any luxuries for his she-wolf.

A pair of polar opposite wolves from Jasper National Park, Kate (Hayden Panettiere) and Humphrey (Justin Long), are relocated to a park in Idaho where they are expected to repopulate the wolf species.

Desperate to return to their home–where both of their wolf packs are warring over communal hunting grounds–Kate and Humphrey seek the travel guidance of a French-Canadian goose (Larry Miller).

Ill-conceived and poorly animated, Alpha and Omega is schlocky at best. The story is familiar, the subject matter is abnormal and the musical numbers featuring the wolves singing and dancing on their hindquarters is off-putting.

Besides, why would a couple of hungry wolves ever return to Canada when Americans are so much plumper?  0

***Nerd World Order***

Pirates of Silicon Valley

Customarily, a revolutionary should be persuasive, have bravado and weird facial hair.

And while the two visionaries in this docudrama lack all of the above, they did birth the digital revolution.

During the making of Apple’s seminal 1984-inspired commercial, Steve Jobs (Noah Wyle) recounts the events that lead to this point.

Flashing back and fourth across timelines, from his school days at Berkeley, where he and Steve Wozniak (Joey Slotnick) planted the first Apple seed, to his triumphant 1997 return to the company, Pirates of Silicon Valley doesn’t hold back, especially when it comes to Jobs’ ongoing rivalry with Harvard dropout and competitor Bill Gates (Anthony Michael Hall).

Though it is a bit corny, this 1999 made-for-TV-movie is an intriguing look at the two men, their companies and the purportedly stolen software that made them both gods.

In fact, without them, I’d have to write this wihto ut spel chek.

He's Casting a Spell Check. He's the...

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