Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Permanent Re-marker. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 26, 2011

Writers live in utter scrawler. 

RED

If you’re superannuated from the CIA, the acronym RED stands for Retired, Extremely Dangerous.

However, if you’re a regular pensioner, RED just means Retired, Extreme Dementia.

And while ex-CIA agent Frank (Bruce Willis) is compos mentis in this action/comedy, to him the definition of RED is Retired, Extreme Doting.

Spending the majority of his retirement chatting via phone with pension representative Sarah (Mary-Louise Parker), Frank is stunned when his black-ops past comes back to haunt him in the form of a CIA hit squad.

With Sarah’s life now in jeopardy and an upstart agent (Keith Urban) on his trail, Frank convenes with his former-hit squad (Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich, Helen Mirren) and together they wage war on their former agency and a sadistic presidential hopeful.

Based on Warren Ellis’ comic book, RED is rich with laughs and bullets, a risqué combination that hasn’t worked since that tragic comedy club shooting.  0

Secretariat

Unlike human steroid users, when a racehorse dopes, any genital shrinkage is inconsequential, since they’re a horse.

And while the big red thoroughbred in this bio-drama doesn’t do drugs, he certainly performs like he does.

When her father (Scott Glen) takes ill, a naïve yet determined housewife, Penny Chenery (Diane Lane), decides to manage his stables.

With little knowledge of the sport of horseracing, she taps retired trainer Lucien Laurin (John Malkovich) to cultivate her hopeful colt. Reluctant off the gate, once he sees the foal run, Lucien commits.

With her team in place, Penny takes her pony to the track where it becomes legendary.

Based on the true story of the Triple Crown winning wonder horse, Secretariat may gallop on familiar ground, but its heartwarming nature is sincere.  

What’s more, whoever watches it the fastest gets a garland of roses and all the chaff and oats they can eat!  0

Saw: The Final Chapter

Sure they say it’s the “final chapter” but you know there’s going to be a Saw: The Epilogue, Saw: The Addendum, and Saw: The Author’s Bio and Photo.

Oops! Apparently, this isn’t the novel version of the popular torture-horror franchise, but the series’ conclusion.

When Bobby (Sean Patrick Flanery) writes a book about his heroic escape from one of Jigsaw’s famed death traps, he becomes a best-selling author.

Later when Bobby’s claims are exposed as lies, the cop posing as the deceased Jigsaw (Costas Mandylor) kidnaps him, his wife and his manager, and locks them in an insane asylum where they must best his elaborate devices for real.

Elsewhere, Jigsaw’s ex-wife (Betsy Russell) seeks police asylum from her husband’s apprentice.

While the traps are still clever, the intricate storyline that’s been building over the previous 6 installments fizzles.   

Besides, if we start killing dishonest authors, God would be in trouble.  0   

The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets’ Nest

If you’re planning to kick a hornets’ nest, it’s advised that you kick a bag of EpiPens directly afterwards. 

And while the girl in the conclusion to the Millennium Trilogy isn’t literally kicking a hornets’ nest, she is stirring up trouble for retired members of the Swedish Security Service.

Waking up in a hospital, after being shot by her former Soviet agent father and hulking half-brother, hacker Lisbeth Salander (Noomi Rapace) struggles to stay alive long enough to see the doctor who raped her go to jail.

Meanwhile, journalist Mikael Blomkvist (Michael Nyqvist) and his editor receive death threats for their coverage of Lisbeth’s trial.

Though it ties up the loose ends, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets’ Nest does so in a confusing, tedious fashion, with far less oomph than the trilogy’s antepenultimate and penultimate installments.

Besides, why kick hornets’ when it’s more fun to tear their wings off?  0

***On An Equestrian***

The Black Stallion

The best thing about being stranded on an island with a horse is that you get you’re own private handsome cab.

And while the steed in this drama isn’t pulling a buggy, a tiny person is riding on its back.

When the ship they are traveling on begins to sink, Alec (Kelly Reno) rescues a wild Arabian stallion from drowning. Later, they awaken on an uninhabited island, where the fickle foal and the patient young boy slowly begin to bond.

When they return to America, they take that relationship one length further and hook up with a retired jockey (Mickey Rooney), who begins to train the newly christened “The Black” as a racehorse and Alec as its jockey.

Exemplifying the unspoken connection between horse and rider perfectly, The Black Stallion is an honest and inspiring family classic. Even if, the real bond in horseracing is between racehorse and riding crop.

He’s a Thorough-in-bred. He’s the…

Vidiot