Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Hard Spoiled. He’s the…

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Week of February 24, 2011

Black makes villainy seem appealing. First up…

Megamind

There are three things one needs in order to be a true super-villain: arrogance, aggression and baldness.

Fortunately, the malefactor in this animated movie suffers from all of the above.

Soon after thwarting Metro City’s muscle-bound protector, Metro Man (Brad Pitt), for the first and last time, evil genius Megamind (Will Ferrell) becomes bored with no adversary around to antagonize.

Therefore, with the help of his minion, Minion (David Cross), he transforms the mild-mannered news cameraman, Hal (Jonah Hill), into a super-hero.

But when hotshot reporter Roxanne (Tina Fey) enters the picture, Megamind is too distracted to pay attention to his now corrupt, caped creation that’s running amok.

Although it does contain a few choice chortles, the bulk of Megamind is simply a retread of other-–better–animated super movies.

Furthermore, why would a super-villain waste time constructing a super-hero, when they could be plundering pocket universes for dark matter?  0

Due Date

The difference between traveling via airplane as opposed to traveling in a stranger’s car is that, when traveling with a stranger, the intrusive pat down is optional.

Needles to say, the commuter in this comedy declined on both counts.

While trying to make it home for the birth of his child, unruly passenger Peter (Robert Downey Jr.) is placed on the no fly list.

In need of alternate transportation, he accepts a ride from struggling actor/pothead/nut Ethan (Zach Galifianakis).

Forcing Peter to endure hours of bothersome personal questions and strange driving habits, Ethan eventually wears Peter’s resolve down and he begins to benefit.

Peppered with cameos and off-coloured humour, Due Date appears to be an innocuous comedy, but, in truth, is a mean-spirited mess that contains no relatable characters.

Besides, if someone really wants to go on a road trip with a crazy stranger, they should ride the Grey Hound.  0

***Delayed Off***

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

The best part of traveling with a complete stranger, as opposed to a family member, is that you can share the same hotel bed without it being weird.

And that is exactly what the two travelers who just met do in this comedy.

After a blizzard grounds all flights in NYC, a traveling businessman, Neal (Steve Martin), trying to make it home to his family in Chicago for Thanksgiving, is forced to endure days of road travel with the accident-prone Del (John Candy).

Although the two employ every means of transportation possible, misfortune continues to follow them, leading Neal to believe that their hardships are due to Del’s incompetence.

Written and directed by John Hughes, Planes, Trains and Automobiles combines the comedic genius of its leads with the chaotic nature of travel, with riotous results.

Unfortunately, when traveling with another male, people will automatically assume that he is your…chauffeur.

He’s a Personal Commuter. He's the...

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Runaway Trainer. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of February 17, 2011

Derailments bring settlements. First up…

Unstoppable

If you drive your sweetheart around in a car that stalls, it’s imperative that you avoid railway crossings when there’s a runaway train about – unless, of course, you want to end up like a tragic 1950s teen love song.

Fortunately, young love goes unscratched in this thriller. Unfortunately, a number of Pennsylvania towns are not as fortunate.

When a runaway train carrying hazardous material escapes the rail yard, it’s up to an experienced engineer (Denzel Washington) and an inexperienced conductor (Chris Pine) to put aside their differences and slow it down.

Assisting them is a headstrong yardmaster (Rosario Dawson) who hopes to derail the locomotive in a sparsely populated area.

Though overflowing with taut action sequences, this retelling of an actual event lacks the character development and steady camera work needed to make a real impact.

Besides, wouldn’t it be easier to just get one of the train’s hobos to stop it?  0 

Waiting for “Superman” 

To avoid waiting for Superman, simply destroy train tracks spanning a ravine minutes before a trainload of school kids are scheduled to cross it.

And while the school children in this documentary are not on a doomed locomotive, they are headed for disaster.

By following five fledgling students (Daisy, Bianca, Emily, Francisco and Anthony) as they attempt to win admittance into an innovative school headed by a new breed of educator, Geoffrey Canada, filmmaker Davis Guggenheim puts the dysfunctional American school system under the microscope, exposing its pitfalls, prejudices and apathetic faculty that does little to inspire, let alone, educate.

While it takes direct aim at the teacher’s union, this sad, shocking snapshot of inner-city schools is not against instructors, but the ineptitude of an antiquated system.

In fact, if it isn’t fixed soon, the only career open to these lazy, uneducated students will be that of public school teacher.  0

***Ah Choo-Choo*** 

Runaway Train

The problem with escaping via train is that the tracks make it very easy for people to follow you.

Advice the fleeing convicts in this thriller should have heeded, before they hopped aboard this rogue iron horse.

Poised to break out of an Alaskan prison, an ex-bank-robber, Manny (Jon Voight), garners a handicap when the dim-witted laundry worker helping him escape, Buck (Eric Roberts), wants to come along.

Stowing away on a southbound train, the two cons later learn that the engineer has died and that their train is headed towards a chemical plant.

What's more, there’s a female stowaway aboard (Rebecca De Mornay) and a hardened warden on their track.

Written by Akira Kurosawa, Runaway Train is the zenith of runaway train movies: the characters are rich and the action is gripping.

Furthermore, it proves that there are other things to do on a train besides solve murder mysteries.

He’s Keepin' it Rail.  He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Over Seasoned Professional. He’s the…

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Week of February 10, 2011

Does rabbit taste cute? First up…

Life As We Know It 

Nowadays, it’s commonplace for two people who don’t love each other to raise their child in a hostile environment.

Surprisingly, while the at odds couple in this rom-com are doing just that, they’re doing so with someone else’s kid.

When they first meet on a blind date set-up by their mutual friends Peter and Alison (Christina Hendricks), uptight Holly (Katherine Heigl) and free-spirited Messer (Josh Duhamel) vow to never see each other again.

But their common connection makes that impossible. And when their friends are killed in a car accident, the pair must put aside their differences and assume custody of the couple’s 1-year-old daughter and palatial home.

With Katherine Heigl portraying another lovesick female browbeating a deadbeat male into submission, Life As We Know It is redundant. Furthermore, its formulaic nature is an affront.   

Besides, as a legal guardian, all you get to do is sign school permission slips.  0

You Again

Thanks to technology adults can now friend their old high school tormenter online and then proceed to cyber-bully them, their family, and friends to death.

Unfortunately, instead of confronting her former rival from the safety of her laptop, the belittled victim in this comedy does so in-person.

Former high school loser Marni’s (Kristen Bell) excitement over her brother’s engagement quickly turns to contempt when she learns he is marrying her ex-bully Jay-Jay (Odette Yustman).

Enraged even more by Jay-Jay’s newfound disposition and inability to recollect her bullying ways, Marni makes it her mission to expose Jay-Jay as the bully she was.

Meanwhile, the girls’ moms (Jamie Lee Curtis, Sigourney Weaver) revive their own high school rivalry.

Marred by ham-fisted performances and a superficial script, You Again is an unequivocal mess.

Besides, the best form of revenge against your current or former bully is to blame them in your suicide note.  0

Paranormal Activity 2

The worst thing about being haunted by a suicide victim is that when they’re not stealing your razors, they’re leaving your car running with the garage door closed.

Fortunately for the family in this horror movie, the lingering apparition in their home is not melancholy, but malicious.

When their home is broken into, Dan (Brian Boland) and his new wife Kristi (Sprague Grayden) have cameras installed.

Later, it’s revealed that a spiteful spirit hell-bent on possessing the soul of the couple’s newborn son is the real perpetrator.

Set months before the events of the first movie took place, PA2 fills in all the blanks, including the demon’s true intent.

While its scares are reminiscent of its predecessor, the vindictive spirit storyline that this installment forges is more frightening than the first.

But remember, ghosts are just invisible bullies that will back down if you say ‘Uncle’ in a firm tone.  0   

My Soul To Take 

The best thing about having multiple personalities is that you can take real advantage of Groupon offers.

Unfortunately, the identity disorder sufferer in this horror movie is not scoring reasonably priced hot air balloon rides, but instead, killing teenagers.

 In 1994, Abel (Raul Esparza) is made aware of the fact that one of his personalities is the homicidal Riverton Ripper.

Although he tries to resist the pushy persona, Abel is ultimately shot by police. While his physical form dies, Abel’s personalities live on in the souls of seven Riverton area children, including his own son Bug (Max Thieriot).

Sixteen years later, the soulless Abel returns to reclaim his property from the septet.

Though it has hints of ingenuity, its low-rent actors and weak-ass kills makes this Wes Craven concocted cutup a complete bore.

Besides, the real threat against the souls of teenagers is women over the age of 40.  0

Monsters

The best thing about going to war with a different species is that you can eat the dead without getting weird looks.

Unfortunately, the strangers traveling through monster-infected Mexico in this sci-fi movie don’t want to masticate their enemy.

With cephalopod creatures spreading throughout the jungles and US troops combating them along the way, Mexico becomes a war zone.

Concerned over the wellbeing of his recently engaged daughter, Samantha (Whitney Able), a wealthy industrialist hires a photographer, Andrew (Scoot McNairy), to escort her back to America.

But when their passports are stolen, the couple must travel by foot if they hope to make it to the boarder.

Utilizing the sci-fi setting to critique US immigration laws, Monsters is definitely a political statement.

However, the romance enveloping the avowal is a declaration of love.

Besides, who knows? Maybe these multi-limbed illegal aliens could someday make great nannies for affluent American children.  0

***Carousel Your Soul***

Carnival of Souls

Although a carnival of souls sounds enticing, it’s probably safe to assume that most of the souls there are sticky from cotton candy and queasy from the tilt-a-whirl.

Fortunately, the soul-centric carnival Mary Henry (Candace Hilligoss) is attending in this horror movie is vomit-free.

After she's forced off of a bridge during a drag race, Mary awakens to find herself detached from her surroundings.

Later, while en route to a new life in Salt Lake City, she is drawn towards an abandoned amusement park. All the while, she is haunted by the specter of a pale-faced male.

Once settled as the local church’s new organist, Mary continues her visits to the ominous carnival grounds.

Although it’s touted as a B-movie, the 1962 original-–as opposed to Wes Craven’s 1998 remake–is a landmark in spooky cinema.

The irony, however, is that to work for a carnival, one must be soulless.

He’s a Succubus Driver. He’s the... 

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Doesn’t Succumb to Vampeer Pressure. He’s the…

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Week of February 3, 2011

Eternal youth = eternal carding. First up…

Let Me In

When a 12-year-old girl wakes to find herself covered in blood, it usually means that she is entering womanhood.

Shockingly, the plasma plastering the young woman’s nightgown in this horror movie is not even her own.

When 12-year-old Owen (Kodi Smit-McPhee)–the product of an ugly divorce and the constant target for school bully Kenny (Dylan Minnette)–spots his new neighbour Abby (Chloë Moretz) and her “father” (Richard Jenkins) moving in, he is fascinated by her lack of winter clothing.

Later, Owen asks Abby that, and other questions, when they are acquainted outside of their apartments. As it turns out, bare feet are only the tip of her bloodthirsty iceberg.

An admirable Americanization of the Swedish vampire film, Let The Right One In, Let Me In is a morose mixture of European romance and Western elucidation and obligatory gore.

Moreover, police should use these little vampire girls to catch predators.  0

Conviction

If an older brother were ever convicted of murder, the only education that most siblings would ever undertake would be that of becoming a prison guard, just so they could torment him daily with the fire hose.

The resolute sister in this drama, however, decided to train as a lawyer, so that her bad seed brother could get a fair trial.

When Kenny Waters (Sam Rockwell) is convicted of murder and sentenced to life, his sister/single mother Betty Anne Waters (Hilary Swank) puts her needs aside to prove his innocence.

But before she can become a lawyer, she must first earn her GED.

Meanwhile, famed lawyer Barry Scheck (Peter Gallagher) and his nonprofit organization work on Kenny’s exoneration.

Based on the true story, Conviction is a mishmash of fine performances and a nonlinear narrative that lacks pacing.

Besides, wouldn’t it be a lot easier to just become a corrupt judge?  0

***The Vampire Girl Next Door***

Let The Right One In

Living next-door to a Swedish Vampire would be awesome, since their Nordic heritage and OCD would make assembling your IKEA furniture so much easier.

Unfortunately, the bloodsucking Swede moving next-door in this horror movie doesn’t come with an Allen key.  

When 12-year-old Oskar (Kåre Hedebrant) meets his neighbour Eli (Lina Leandersson) for the first time on the play-structure outside their apartment, he’s immediately struck by her strange behaviour.

An outcast himself, he forges a friendship with the sullen girl, who later teaches him how to defend himself against school bullies.

As their nocturnal rendezvous’ continue, so too do signs of Eli’s vampiric nature, which Oskar takes with a grain of salt.

Based on the Swedish novel of the same name, Let The Right One In is a moody masterpiece, graced with subtly and outstanding performances.

And while their relationship seems creepy, admit it, you’d watch MTV’s Swedish Teenage Vampire Mom.

He's Vampyrite. He’s the…

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