Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Evil Eye Doctor. He’s the...

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Week of October 31, 2014

Curses only work on the blessed. First up…

 

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Deliver Us from Evil

The best way to coax a demon out of a human is with executive-producer credit on the movie based on its life.

Unfortunately, this horror movie is only inspired by, not based on, its demonic source material.

New York cop Ralph (Eric Bana) and his partner (Joel McHale) find themselves enmeshed in a number of strange cases around town.

Eventually Ralph comes across a Spanish priest (Édgar Ramírez) who not only encourages him to harness his latent intuition, but also helps Ralph track down an Iraq War veteran (Sean Harris) possessed by a demonic spirit.

To make matters worse, the demon has kidnapped Ralph’s wife (Olivia Munn) and daughter.

Inspired by the real-life officer, Deliver Us from Evil relies too heavily on pop-up scares for its frights, while the religious undertones are wafer thin, and the acting unintentionally comical.

Incidentally, cops and priests usually only congregate during child-porn ring busts.  Red Light

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Begin Again

Having to explain what an acoustic guitar is to your audience is the hardest part of being a singer/songwriter today.

Fortunately the songstress in this musical has found a producer familiar with her analog instrument.

Contemplating moving home after breaking-up with her writing partner (Adam Levine), Gretta (Keira Knightley) is dissuaded by a freshly fired music executive, Dan (Mark Ruffalo), who offers her a contract.

Recording around NYC with a skeleton crew, including Dan’s daughter (Hailee Steinfeld) on guitar, Gretta garners that organic sound she was looking for.

But when Dan leverages the album to get his job back, Gretta rethinks how she wants to distribute her work, and for how much.

With decent songs, amiable performances and ample jabs at the fading industry, Begin Again explores artistry and its significance in today’s online retail market effortlessly.

Furthermore, illegally downloading music seriously impacts Billboard’s Hot 100 for that particular week. Green Light

***Over-top of the Charts***

Phantom of the Paradise

Rock stars are rarely possessed because demons want to live past the age of 27.

Or, in the case of the horror-musical, the possessed want to live…forever.

Winslow (William Finley) has his compositions stolen by a corrupt music hall owner, Swan (Paul Williams), looking to use them at the opening of his latest venture: The Paradise.

To keep the upset artiste at bay, Swan has him framed and sent to prison.

On his release, he disguises his now-deformed face and haunts the Paradise.

However, Swan sees opportunity and commissions Winslow to create a Faust musical, starring Phoenix (Jessica Harper).

A composite of the aforementioned Faust, Phantom of the Opera and Dorian Grey infused with glam rock ethos, this cult classic resuscitates the sleepy soul selling story-line with style and substance.

Mind you, nowadays, the devil is only interested in buying the souls of female singers under the age of 18.

He Sold His Soul Music Collection. He’s the…

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He’s a Chauvinistic Pig Farmer. He’s the…

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Week of October 24, 2014

You should only make sex tapes on BETA. First up…

 

Sex Tape

The good thing about a sex tape is no one will ever see it because all the VCRs are buried in the desert.

Unfortunately for the couple in this comedy the term refers to all amateur porn.

Annie (Cameron Diaz) decides to stop complaining about post-pregnancy sex on her blog and instead tries to reignite her husband’s (Jason Segel) wick by sending the kids away for the night.

To spice things up, they record their session with an iPad.

But when the footage gets leaked to their friends, they are blackmailed by an unlikely source asking for $25,000.

An Apple commercial masquerading as a bawdy comedy, Sex Tape crams the company’s product line into every painfully unfunny and unrealistic scene.

While the duo is relatable, their improbable situations are not.

Besides, when you experiment with sex tapes you could end up getting something completely disgusting, like, a show on E!  Red Light

The Purge: Anarchy

The sad thing about hunting Americans for sport is that they’re so obese they’re tired after running 10 paces.

Luckily, the prey in this horror-thriller has a vehicle.

To lower crime, LA holds an annual cull - legalized murder for one night.

Trying to get home before it begins, Shane (Zach Gilford) and Liz (Kiele Sanchez) align themselves with a vengeful cop (Frank Grillo) and two women he rescued from Purgers.

Unfortunately, those women are being stalked by a gang of masked murderers collecting the poor for the rich in exchange for money.

With the action happening outside as opposed to inside, like its predecessor, Anarchy offers a blue-collar perspective on the yearly bloodletting.

While the ideology continues to fascinate and the killings carry on the brutality, the characters and the plot still don’t reach their full potential.  

Incidentally, without the poor, city streets would be littered with unreturned beer bottles.  Yellow Light

***Televiolence***

Series 7: The Contenders

The best part of watching people kill each other on TV is betting on who the winner will be.

By the way, the returning champ in this dark comedy is not a sure bet.

If Dawn (Brooke Smith) survives the next round of the kill-or-be-killed reality show The Contenders, her and her unborn baby will go free.

However, included in the other 5 random contestants is Dawn’s ailing ex-boyfriend (Glenn Fitzgerald) who wants her to be the one who terminates him.

Meanwhile, the other contestants accumulate weapons and begin stalking the title-holder.

Things get worse when Dawn goes into labor.

Narrated by Will Arnett, this 2001 satire of the-then fledgling genre is told entirely through reality camera lens - a method that can be comical and constrictive on the narrative.

Fortunately, the violence and soundtrack help round the edges.

Incidentally, if contestants sang while killing, this show would be even bigger.

He’s a Reality TV Dinner. He’s the…

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He’s a Good Time Traveler. He’s the…

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Week of October 17, 2014

The future is the past without all the losers. First up…

X-Men: Days of Future Past 

Professor X’s real mutant power has always been his handicapped-parking pass.

Disappointingly, the paralyzed patriarch in this sci-fi film can walk.

With Sentinels exterminating mutants in the future, Charles (Patrick Stewart) and Erik (Ian McKellen) send Logan’s (Hugh Jackman) mind back to 1973 to stop Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence) from assassinating the creator (Peter Dinklage) of the mutant-killing robots.

To accomplish this before Kitty’s (Ellen Page) connection to the past snaps, Logan must convince a drug-addled Charles (James McAvoy) to join him, Beast (Nicholas Hoult) and Magneto (Michael Fassbender) in preventing the future from happening.

Taking a more measured approach to story pacing, usage of the copious characters and the twin timelines, this fifth installment in the mutant franchise - which was adapted from the Claremont/Byrne comic book arc - is a highlight of the series.

Incidentally, while he’s in the 1970s, Wolverine might as well eviscerate the inventor of Disco.  Green Light

Live. Die. Repeat: Edge of Tomorrow 

When traveling to the past it’s important to wear time-appropriate clothing, but with a future swagger.

Unfortunately, the journeyman in this sci-fi film wears a battle-suit, not a sideways powered wig.

PR officer Major Cage (Tom Cruise) is abruptly thrust into the alien war he’s publicizing.

Despite repeated objections, he’s deployed to the battlefield in a heavily-duty exoskeleton. When dosed with alien blood, he’s also outfitted with the ability to relive the previous day after dying.

Aided by a former traveler (Emily Blunt), Cage repeats the same day over until he can kill the head alien.

Inspired by a Japanese pulp tale, Edge of Tomorrow uses the short story’s provocative narrative, along with two likable leads and dynamic effects, to forge an unforgettable, and at times acutely humorous, time-travel adventure.

Incidentally, the smartest way to use time-travel in war is to go back to before you mooned that nuclear-armed dictator.  Green Light

Mr. Peabody & Sherman 

When time-traveling with a dog it’s important to sedate them before locking them in their kennel.

However, drugging the time-shifting pooch in this animated movie might not be a wise idea.

When his adopted son Sherman (Max Charles) acts up at school, the scholarly beagle, Mr. Peabody (Ty Burrell), invites the parents of Sherman’s bully, Penny (Ariel Winter), to dinner.

When Penny disputes Sherman’s claims that his father invented a time machine he takes her back to Ancient Egypt to prove it.

By disobeying his father’s direct orders not to time-travel, Sherman generates a paradox in the space/time continuum that threatens all in existence, past and present.

While its jokes never reach the level of hilarity its computer-animated counterparts do, this adaptation of the cartoon short from The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show is edifying and overall entertaining kids fare.

But regardless of the time period, talking dog always tastes great. Yellow Light

A Million Ways to Die in the West

Typical funeral arrangements in the Old West involved selecting the six buzzards you wanted to clean your bones.

However, this comedy doesn’t delve into post-mortem procedures.

Recently dumped by his girlfriend (Amanda Seyfried), sheep-farmer Albert (Seth MacFarlane) finds himself in hot water when he becomes intimate with Anna (Charlize Theron), the bride of notorious outlaw Clinch Leatherwood (Liam Neeson).

But a chance encounter with a tribe of peyote smoking Native Americans, and sharp-shooting lessons from Anna, preps the cowardly herder for his pending duel against Leatherwood.

Written, directed, and starring Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane, A Million Ways to Die in the West neglects to include it’s flat jokes as another means of expiring out West.

Pitiable comedy aside, its paint-by-numbers plot, lifeless performances, and static direction also contribute to this dross comedy’s death rattle.

Furthermore, when you died in the Old West you were usually reincarnated as a spittoon.  Red Light

***Olden Time Travel***

Back to the Future Part III

The best part of time traveling to the Old West is not feeling shame over soliciting prostitutes.

Unfortunately, the time-spanning teenager in this comedy-adventure doesn’t have time for hanky-panky.

Thrust backwards along the arrow of time inside a DeLorean, Marty (Michael J. Fox) finds himself in his hometown of Hill Valley, circa 1885.

Tasked with tracking down his inventor friend Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd) before his untimely death at the hands of Mad Dog Tannen (Thomas F. Wilson), Marty struggles to adapt to the rugged time period.

And though he finds his mentor, their way home is out of gas.

Unable to reach the velocity needed to jump, Doc must use the fastest transportation of the day - a train.

Unable to sustain the action, excitement, or laughs from the sequel, this final installment merely completes this semi-satisfactory trilogy.

Incidentally, a time-traveling horse would have been a more economical choice.

He’s a Part-Time Traveler. He’s the… 

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He’s a Reaction Figure. He’s the…

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Week of October 3, 2014

Boxed action figures can't give you lead poisoning. First up…

Transformers: Age of Extinction

The most important ally any machine with moving parts can have is WD-40.

Unfortunately the rusting robots in this action movie are without.

Amateur inventor Cade (Mark Wahlberg) stumbles on a dilapidated semi truck that turns out to be Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen).

Elsewhere, a rogue CIA agent (Kelsey Grammer) intent on eradicating the transformers pairs with a scientist (Stanley Tucci) close to unlocking their transformative properties.

Now Cade, his daughter (Nicola Peltz), and the Autobots must stop the human-made transformer Galvatron from amassing an army of Decepticon.

With nauseating camera-work, unnecessary product placement and a 3-hour go-nowhere plot, this 4th installment in the franchise may introduce new humans and inhumans to the cast, but they can’t conceal the fact that Michael Bay is still the director.

What’s more, there comes a time in every transformer’s life when they just need to transform into an ethnic food truck and retire.  Red Light

Million Dollar Arm 

It makes sense that Hindi-speaking athletes would gravitate towards baseball since there’s a team called the Indians.

Racial epithets aside this sports-drama does involve players from India.

When down-and-out sports agent J. B. Bernstein (Jon Hamm) vacillates between a televised cricket match and a singing competition, he formulates a plan to invigorate his firm with talent from India.

Convinced he’ll find the next great baseball pitcher through a reality TV show format, J.B. enlists a cantankerous scout (Alan Arkin) to be a judge in the competition.

Eventually, J.B. discovers two worthy candidates (Suraj Sharma, Madhur Mittal) and ships them back to America to try out for the majors.

Based on a true story, Million Dollar Arm is a boilerplate feel-good Disney sports movie that concludes as expected, with no complexity or ingenuity required.

On a related note, females traveling to India alone should always bring a baseball bat with them.  Yellow Light

The Grand Seduction 

The best part of living in Newfoundland is you can move to Alberta to work.

Mind you, the Newfies in this comedy hope to get into the oil game without leaving their isolated harbour.

In order to entice big oil to their down-and-out community, the mayor (Brendan Gleeson) must first secure a town doctor.

His prayers are answered when a townie blackmails a cokehead plastic surgeon (Taylor Kitsch) into being the local medic for a month.

Their endgame, however, is for him to stay permanently, so they feign interest in Cricket, Jazz and Indian cuisine for his sake.

Meanwhile, the postmistress (Liane Balaban) refuses to participant in the town’s con. 

Despite its shaky plot points and tacked-on love story, this remake of a Francophone comedy has enough heart, humour and oddball characters to make up for its shortcomings.

But in reality, unemployed Newfies should be seducing the Cod to spawn.  Green Light 

Chef

The best thing about owning a food truck is you can easily elude the health inspector.

Mind you, the meals-on-wheels in this dramedy appear on the up-and up.

Tired of being at the mercy of his boss’ (Dustin Hoffman) outmoded menu and humiliated by an online food critic (Oliver Platt), Carl (Jon Favreau) quits his head chef job.

On the advice of his ex-wife (Sofía Vergara), he goes to Miami to refurbish a dilapidated taco truck with his social media savvy son (Emjay Anthony) and former cook (John Leguizamo).

With his son documenting their return trip on Twitter, Carl’s Cuban food truck forms a huge following, including former detractors.

With a heavy web presence and little footing in reality, Chef evokes more sentimentality through online montages accompanied by feel-good songs than it does through any discourse between father and son.

Incidentally, when you dine on the street the homeless are your busboys.  Yellow Light

***Soylent Green Beans***

Delicatessen

In a post-apocalyptic future the world’s Cheez Whiz supply would have to be used to re-caulk all the buildings.

Thankfully the tenants in this sci-fi comedy don’t have to lick cracks for sustenance.

On the ground floor of a dilapidated apartment is a butcher (Jean-Claude Dreyfus) who always has fresh meat despite there being a food shortage.

Answering an ad in the newspaper, Louison (Dominique Pinon) lands the job of assistant to the butcher.

Eventually Louison’s charms win over the butcher’s daughter Julie (Marie-Laure Dougnac). But with her father planning on putting Louison on the menu, she seeks the assistance of an underground cell of rebellious vegetarians. 

Conceptualized by the director of Amélie, Delicatessen is a quirky cannibal love-story crammed with eccentric characters that never takes itself too seriously, or too lighthearted.

Furthermore, with all the hormones and preservatives we ingest, human meat would have a very long shelf life.

He’s a Vienna Sausage Party. He’s the…

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