Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Brawl Star. He’s the...

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Week of August 31, 2018

Shouldn't midget sports leagues be called little person sports leagues? First up...

Tag

Children no longer play the game of tag because of all the legal paperwork and lawyers involved.

Fortunately, the friends in this comedy began their game long before over-parenting was a thing.

Every May a group of lifelong buddies (Ed Helms, Jon Hamm, Isla Fisher, Jake Johnson, Hannibal Buress) play a form of Tag that involves disguises, endurance and air-travel.

  

But when the one participant (Jeremy Renner) who has never been It announces his retirement, the crew makes it their mission to tag him. Along for the ride is a journalist (Annabelle Wallis).

Although it’s based on a real article written about the quirky ritual and its players, the filmmakers have removed any preexisting amiability found in the true story and embellished the bones with their own obnoxious and humorless poetic license.

However, playing tag for years isn’t as nerve-racking as seeking someone who has been hiding for two decades.  Red Light

Action Point

Surprisingly, the most dangerous thing at an amusement park is not the rides but the concession stand food.

However, this imbalance doesn’t sit right with the proprietor in this comedy.

Facing steep competition from the new mega-park down the street, the owner and operator (Johnny Knoxville) of the dilapidated Action Point decides to remove all of the safety precautions and restraints from his already shoddy rides in order to attract crowds of reckless teens, daredevils, and thrill-seekers.

Along for the ride are his neglected daughter (Eleanor Worthington Cox) and his motley crew of carneys.

Inspired by a real New Jersey amusement park, amateur stuntman Knoxville apes his way through Jackass style stunts that fail to garner laughs or winces. Meanwhile, the paper-thin plot isn’t sturdy enough to support the worn-out pranks.

Incidentally, the only park employee who supports decreased regulations is the haunted house groper.  Red Light

***Coast-to-Coaster***

Roller-coaster

Criminals don’t steal from amusement park visitors seeing as the parks are already doing it themselves.

Midways in the 1970s however, like the ones in this thriller, were more affordable than today.

Safety inspector Calder (George Segal) suspects sabotage when a rollercoaster in Virginian crashes and a tunnel ride in Pittsburgh burns down. His fears are confirmed when the corporation which owns both amusement parks receives a ransom request for $1M. FBI Agent Hoyt (Richard Widmark) taps Calder to deliver the payoff.

But when the bomber gets wind of a double-cross, he threatens to strike again.

With a serviceable concept that’s backed by a talented cast of veterans, this disaster picture delivers some heart stopping scenarios. But it is ultimately undermined by the lack of special effects available at the time, and its undeveloped villain.

Furthermore, amusement park terrorism is not as big as a crime as doping carousel horses.

He’s a Carnival Barfer. He’s the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He has Toxic Shock Value. He’s the…

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Week of August 24, 2018

Toilet lips sink censorships. First up…

 

Deadpool 2

The upside to regenerative superpowers is that you can finally work that threshing machine without fear of amputation.

Mind you, the immortal in this action-comedy chose a cooler profession than farmhand.

After losing someone close to him, the mouthy mercenary Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds) finds solace in a young mutant whom he takes under his wing. When a cybernetic mutant (Josh Brolin) travels back through time to kill his protégé for his future crimes, DP must assemble a super-team (Zazie Beetz, Bill Skarsgård, Terry Crews) to protect his partner. But can Deadpool also keep his sidekick from fulfilling his destiny? 

While the overall plot to this obligatory sequel is simplistic, the final product is overstuffed with overdone action sequences, endless cameos and gags that miss the mark. Although the new characters are commendable, they lack depth and screen time.

Fortunately, once mutants start messing with timelines we all get new hairstyles.  Yellow Light

RBG

Being an impartial judge means you can look beyond the wet T-shirt and see the person wearing it.

Unfortunately, sexist bar contests are absent from this documentary on arbitrating.

A staunch defending of equal rights, Ruth Bader Ginsburg made a name for herself early on working cases concerning discrimination against women in the military and equal social benefits for single fathers. 

Her social crusading, and tenure as a tax attorney, made her the ideal candidate for then-President Bill Clinton’s Supreme Court Justice appointment. Since then, RBG has gone on to become a feminist icon.

While it certainly provides an informative overview of RBG’s illustrious career on the bench, it is her personal life, specifically with the moments involving her late husband that truly captures the humour and spirit of this feisty humanitarian.

Incidentally, once women were on the Supreme Court male justices had to start wearing clothes under their robes.  Green Light

Like Father

The downside to a honeymoon on a boat is that the sex usually involves a Roman shower.

Luckily, the bride in this comedy is honeymooning with her estranged father.

After workaholic Rachel (Kristen Bell) is jilted at the church she drowns her misery in a booze-fuelled night out with her deadbeat dad (Kelsey Grammer), who she hasn’t seen in years. Under the influence of alcohol, she decides to take her honeymoon cruise. But instead of going alone she invites her parent.

After some chopping waters, the pair soon bond over karaoke. Rachel even finds a new love interest (Seth Rogan).

Distributed by Netflix, this debut film from Seth Rogan’s wife, Lauren Miller, is a joyless family reunion void of laughs. When it’s not moonlighting as a movie-of-the-week, it’s serving as a paid advertisement for Royal Caribbean Cruises.

Besides, the only cruise line that really caters to incestuous marriages is Carnival.  Red Light

***Cruise Director's Cut***

Juggernaut

Terrorists rarely take cruise ships hostage because governments don’t pay ransom on people who take cruises.

Back in the 1970s, however, commandeering cruise ships, like the one in this thriller, was commonplace.

Passengers on the SS Britannic are thrown into peril when a terrorist named Juggernaut informs the ship’s owner (Ian Holm) that there are explosives onboard set to detonate if he doesn’t receive a healthy ransom.

Meanwhile, a bomb specialist (Richard Harris) is airlifted in to defuse the situation, while a Scotland Yard detective (Anthony Hopkins) works on tracking down the mad bomber.

Light on Hollywood theatrics due to its British production, this fictional account of a real life event that turned out to be a ruse is grounded and gritty in its storytelling. The classically trained cast also brings a high-level of professionalism to the crisis.

Thankfully, the onboard entertainment tends to get a lot better under terrorism.

He's a Death Rowboat. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Sequential Art Critic. He’s the…

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Week of August 17, 2018

The Bible would’ve sold more if it were Manga. First up…

Avengers: Infinity War

When uniting a team of 1960s superheroes in 2018 it’s important to first weed out all of the racist characters.

Fortunately, the antagonist in the epic sci-fi/fantasy happens to be purple and powerful.

In his endless pursuit to amass all infinity stones and bring balance to the universe, omnipotent extraterrestrial Thanos (Josh Brolin) invades earth to obtain to the final gem.

Standing in his way, however, are not only the Avengers (Robert Downey Jr., Scarlett Johansson, Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth) but also their intergalactic counterparts Guardians of the Galaxy (Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Bradley Cooper).

Striking a perfect balance between action and emotion, this third entry in the franchise is the culmination of Marvel Studios first decade of filmmaking and it offers up a myriad of shocks and surprises, including an earthshattering ending.

Incidentally, now that his bejeweled gauntlet is complete, Thanos is going to be hawking shoddy replicas on QVC.  Green Light

 

How to Talk to Girls at Parties

The easiest way to talk to girls at a party is when they’re inserting money in to your G-string.

Sadly, the teenager in this romantic-comedy isn’t anywhere close to being stripper material.

Punk-rocker Enn (Alex Sharp) gets wind of a show at a club run by the queen of the scene (Nicole Kidman) and crashes it. In-between mosh pits he meets Zan (Elle Fanning) and they bond over their love of rebellious music.

Unbeknownst to Enn, Zan is actually an alien and their relationship is about to ignite an intergalactic war.

Too bizarre for its own good, this elongated adaptation of a Neil Gaiman love story gets points for creativity and acting, but with a questionable soundtrack and an out there script that departs from the 18-page graphic novel it ends up a chaotic mess.

Nonetheless, the nice thing about dating an alien is that their family lives light-years away.  Red Light

 

The Death of Superman

The hardest part of burying Superman’s body is figuring out how to bury Clark Kent’s in the afternoon.

Furthermore, the superhero community in this animated adventure are too distraught to grave dig.

When an alien crash-lands on earth with the intent of wiping out the human population, the Justice League (Rosario Dawson, Nathan Fillion) is dispatched.

But when the being defeats them with ease, it is up to Superman (Jerry O'Connell) to step in. Evenly matched, the titans tear Metropolis asunder as Lex Luthor (Rainn Wilson) plots his own attack on the depleted Man of Steel.

With confident animation, apt voice-work and dynamic action, this 32nd installment in the DC Universe Animated Movies franchise is a more comic-book accurate adaptation of the Doomsday storyline than the company’s previous version released a decade prior.

And now that Superman is dead the battle over his magical space bones can begin.  Green Light

***Average-ers Assemble***

Mystery Men

When assembling a superhero team remember to get membership fees upfront.

Not to say all caped crusaders are cheap, but the ones in this comedy sure are.

With Captain Amazing (Greg Kinnear) keeping Champion City crime free it leaves little for other heroes like Mr. Furious (Ben Stiller), The Shoveler (William H. Macy) and The Blue Raja (Hank Azaria) to do. That is until Captain Amazing disappears and his old rival (Geoffrey Rush) reappears.

Now the second-stringers must expand their roster to thwart the villain and save the city.

Twenty-years too early, this lampoon of comic book troupes would be at home in today’s movie market more than 1999’s. However, that doesn’t stop this adaptation of the underground comic from being a hilarious critique of super-teams that still holds true.

Incidentally, one surefire way of getting yourself on the Justice League is by having the same blood type as Batman.

He’s Blowing Speech Bubbles. He’s the…

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