Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Uphill Battle Scar. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of February 23, 2018

Old dogs can’t remember new tricks. First up...

Darkest Hour

The only employers who have a workforce over the age of 70 are Wal-Mart and Parliament.

So it’s no surprise that the political party in this drama would elect a senior as its new head.

Displeased with Neville Chamberlain’s kowtowing to Hitler and his swelling Nazis movement, Britain’s Labour Party moves to oust him as Prime Minister and replace him with a Lord from the Royal Navy, Winston Churchill (Gary Oldman).

Faced with the daunting decision of either capitulating or combating the encroaching threat, Churchill not only seeks advice from his wife (Kristin Scott Thomas) and secretary (Lily James), but also the commoners.

While it can get bogged down in political minutia at times, Oldman’s turn as the portly Prime Minister, along with the spirited dialogue and rousing speeches, keep this reasonably accurate historical biography from becoming boring.

Incidentally, the darkest hour is the best time to break and enter. Yellow Light

Daddy’s Home 2

To keep your father busy when he visits be sure to loosen every screw in the household.    

Fortunately, the families in this comedy have plenty of activities to keep their dads from their tool-belt.

When their daughter declares that she hates Christmas ever since her mother (Linda Cardellini) divorced her father Dusty (Mark Wahlberg) and married Brad (Will Ferrell), the two families decide to spend the holidays together for the first time. But past problems and new revelations threaten to undermine the blended family when Dusty’s father (Mel Gibson) and Brad’s dad (John Lithgow) show up to celebrate.

While it has a sprinkling of serviceable gags that poke fun at the season, overall this ineffective sequel to the average original struggles to make its pap material palatable or even slightly plausible.

Besides, even Jesus had two Christmas: one with Mary and Joseph and one with God and his new girlfriend.  Red Light

 

The Cloverfield Paradox

The worst thing about life on an international space station is that Russian and American astronauts always collude to rig movie night voting.

Sadly, the crew in this thriller won’t live long enough to complain about this week’s selection.

While in the throes of an energy crisis, Earth launches representatives from around the world (David Oyelowo, Daniel Brühl, Chris O'Dowd, Gugu Mbatha-Raw), along with a particle accelerator that will tap into alternative energy sources, into space. But when the accelerator opens a portal to an alternate reality, a bevy of behemoths are unleashed on Earth.

The third installment in the cryptic Cloverfield franchise, this Netflix distributed sequel sheds some light on the origins of the monsters plaguing our planet, but its slapdash and incongruous script simply feels shoehorned into the larger narrative.

And while giant monsters don’t necessarily ease our energy crisis, their carcasses will help with global food shortages.  Red Light

***Bollocksmith***

 

Sid and Nancy

Like EDM musicians, Hip-Hop artists and Pop vocalists, Punk rockers can make millions without ever knowing how to play a musical instrument.

Case in point, the maladroit bassist in this drama.

At the height of the Sex Pistols’ popularity, crusty punker Sid Vicious (Gary Oldman) is introduced to American groupie Nancy Spungen (Chloe Webb). Although he’s warned by his band mate Johnny Rotten (Andrew Schofield) and their manager Malcolm McLaren (David Hayman) to steer clear, Sid is drawn to Nancy and her stash of heroin. 

The volatile union inevitably destroys the band before terminating the star-crossed lovers themselves in true punk fashion.

While Oldman’s acting début manages to electrify, auteur Alex Cox’ 1986 adaptation of the 1978 events marginalizes lead singer Rotten’s importance in the band’s success, while glamourizing Vicious’ drug abuse and his bad musicianship.

Incidentally, if drugs didn’t kill Sid Vicious, hearing himself in a car commercial would’ve.

He's an Anarchy Cutter. He's the...

Vidiot

   

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Lead Balloon Animal. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of February 16, 2018

Bad ideas make good ideas look even better. First up…

Wonder

Usually when a student wears a mask to school everyone heads for the nearest exit and calls 9-1-1.

However, if it’s the concealed kid in this drama, you welcome them.

Born with a defect that finds him hiding behind a mask in public, Auggie (Jacob Tremblay) has been homeschooled by his parents (Julia Roberts, Owen Wilson) his whole life - until now. Exposed, Auggie faces his peers for the first time. While some are kind, most are not.

Meanwhile, his older sister (Izabela Vidovic) competes against her former BFF for the lead in the school play.

From facial deformities to middle school bullies to a dead dog to an amateur production of Our Town, this family melodrama pulls every tear-jerking trick it can to endear itself to the viewer. Unfortunately, its manipulative schmaltz is boilerplate, sitcom-y even.

Besides, once you get to high school every teenager has a facial deformity.  Red Light

Roman J. Israel, Esq.

With its high rate of slip and falls accidents, lawyers are the only people who love winter.

However, the eccentric attorney in this drama isn’t interested personal injury suits right now.

When his law firm partner suffers a heart attack, Roman J. Israel (Denzel Washington) must unwilling step out from behind-the-scenes to represent the cases in court he has only researched. His lack of social skills sinks the firm and Roman soon finds work with a shark (Colin Farrell). But when his boss wants him to put profit before ethics, Roman’s mental state deteriorates.

While Washington plays the unconventional counsel with aplomb, the one note storyline unfortunately is constructed around his social awkwardness, and not much else. With very little driving this legal drama besides a feeble murder case, it just becomes a meditation on an exasperating character.

Moreover, it’s not a good sign when your lawyer can plead insanity.  Yellow Light

***Facial Conformity***

Mask

If inner beauty were important Miss America would have a colonoscopy portion of the show.

That is why the deformed student in this drama is having a hard time fitting in.

Born with cranial disfigurement Rocky Dennis (Eric Stoltz) wasn’t expected to survive. But with the love of his mother (Cher) and her biker gang, Rocky proved medical science wrong. And he’ll do it again as his enter junior high.

While students initially react poorly to his appearance, Rocky wins them and his teachers over with his humour and intellect. However, his health and his mom’s addictions undermine his scholastic achievements.   

With believable performances, a touching script and remarkable make-up, this true story doesn’t pander to the public to get its point of accepting others across. Hopeful, without being pretentious or exploitative, Mask is a bonafide tearjerker.

Incidentally, facial disfigurement and scientific brilliance are the leading cause of super-villainy among teenagers.

He has Colouring Book Smarts. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Laughingstock Broker. He’s the…

Vidiot 

Week of February 9, 2018

Save $10 a day and in 10 years you can lend me $10,000. First up…

  

A Bad Moms Christmas

Motherhood is the only career in which your co-workers can piddle on you and not be fired.

  

That must be why the moms in this comedy have so much pent up anger.

Unconventional moms Amy (Mila Kunis), Kiki (Kristen Bell) and Carla (Kathryn Hahn) have the holiday’s cut out for them when their mothers (Christine Baranski, Cheryl Hines, Susan Sarandon) show up for Christmas.

Now Amy and her band of bad moms must put the opinionated grandparents in their place and regain their matriarchal dominance over Christmas.

The superfluous follow-up to the dismal original, this seasonal sequel is every bit as wretched as its predecessor, and then some. With a script penned by males, the all-female cast stumbles on the juvenile dialogue and lewd situations they’re one-dimensional characters are thrust into.    

Furthermore, any mother who doesn’t buy their child exactly what they want for Christmas is a textbook bad mom.  Red Light

Suburbicon     

Motherhood in the 1950s was more productive because you were free to spank any child you wanted.

Unfortunately, the mother in this dark-comedy is the one who ends up battered.

Suburbanite Gardner (Matt Damon) hires two thugs to invade his home and murder his wife so that his sister-in-law (Julianne Moore) can live with him and his son Nicky. But when Nicky fingers his mom’s murderers in a police lineup, Gardner’s plan to collect his wife’s life insurance to pay the hoods goes awry.

Meanwhile, their all-white suburb is upended when an African-American family moves in next-door.

A laughless comedy and toothless crime-thriller wrapped in preachy commentary on race relations, this social satire written by the Coen Brothers but directed by George Clooney tries to be too many righteous things at once that it fails spectacularly at all.

Incidentally, suburbs today are filled with all-races dumb enough to live there.  Red Light

 

Only the Brave

The key to preventing forest fires from ever occurring is killing every cigarette smoker.

Luckily, cancer will take care of them, while the firefighters in this drama extinguish their handiwork.

Aggravated that he and his first responders (Miles Teller, Taylor Kitsch, James Badge Dale) are relegated to the rear whenever out-of-State Hotshot fire crews show up and start delegating during a blaze, superintendent Eric Marsh (Josh Brolin) petitions the mayor to let him train his own elite team of frontline firefighters.

But when the upstart squadron faces off against an uncontrollable wildfire on Yarnell Hill, their mettle is truly tested.

Based on the GQ magazine article of the tragic 2013 fire that claimed 19 lives, this retelling brings personality to those who fell. And while the dialogue is a tad melodramatic, the visuals and the emotions are palpable.

Nevertheless, a spontaneous wildfire is still a good excuse to burn your garbage.  Green Light

  

***Black and White Picket Fence***

Pleasantville 

The worst part about being a 1950s housewife was making your bed. Then making your husbands.

Mind you, the post-war married couple in this dramedy would enjoy having separate bunks.

During a TV marathon of the black-and-white sitcom Pleasantville, high school loser David (Tobey Maguire) and his much cooler twin sister Jennifer (Reese Witherspoon) are magically transported from the free-spirited 1990s to the uptight 1950s.

As the siblings navigate their black-and-white surroundings their liberated attitude affects everyone in town, including their sexually repressed parents (Joan Allen, William H. Macy). But as coitus turns townsfolk Technicolor, it begets segregation.

A humorous yet powerful allegory on race relations and sexual orientation, this underrated box-office flop from 1998 manages to deliver an array of impactful social messages without getting lost in the science or absurdity of its high concept premise.   

Incidentally, living inside of a 1950s TV set would give you radiation poisoning.

He’s a Soda Jerkoff. He’s the…

Vidiot