Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's a Young Adulterous. He's the...

Vidiot

Week of May 27, 2011

In Teen World everything is fair. First up...

I Am Number Four

The best thing about being a teen from an extinct planet is you don’t have to worry about missing your curfew.

And while the orphaned alien in this sci-fi movie can stay out late, his time is spent fighting the creatures that obliterated his home world.

In search of surviving members of the Lorien race, the malevolent Mogadorians find what they seek on Earth.

After the brutal slaying of #3, John (Alex Pettyfer) is made aware by his protector Henri (Timothy Olyphant) that he is fourth in succession.

Determined to make a stand, John evokes his newly acquired powers, and enlists #6 (Teresa Palmer) to his ranks.

Based on the young adult book series, I Am #4, with its cardboard cast, flaccid script and ho-hum havoc, will appease its hyperactive, hypersensitive demographic.

However, for those with more refined adult tastes, you may want to check out I Am Number 69.  0 

Gnomeo & Juliet

The hardest part of reinterpreting William Shakespeare’s tragic love story starring fabled forest creatures is finding two suicidal gnomes.

Fortunately, the makers of this animated adaptation were able to find melancholy munchkins.

Raised on opposite sides of Mr. Capulet and Mrs. Montague’s fence, a blue garden gnome, Gnomeo (James McAvoy), and a red garden gnome, Juliet (Emily Blunt), are sworn enemies, though they’ve never met.

It’s not until Gnomeo seeks revenge against Juliet’s cousin (Jason Statham), after an ill-fated lawnmower race, that the star-crossed lovers meet.

Though both families denounce the union, the two continue to meet in an overrun garden, where a lovesick flamingo fosters their relationship.

Adhering to the bard’s prose, while simultaneously lampooning it, this star-studded interpretation is amusing and inventive.

Luckily, this story doesn’t take place on a white trash lawn, because then Romeo would be a talking couch and Juliet, an abandoned car.  0

***Mapping The Gnome***

A Gnome Named Gnorm

Gnomes are mischievous folks that enjoy making humans look stupid when they pronounce ‘gnome’ with a hard G.

Fortunately, the dwarfish imp in this comedy enunciates his name with a confident consonant sound.

Headed towards the surface in hopes of recharging the magical stones that belong to his subterranean race, a gnome named Gnorm (Mike Avery) is instead embroiled in a murder case involving a dead police officer.

When his partner is killed in the line of duty and the blame falls on him, Det. Gallagher (Anthony Michael Hall) must team up with the only witness to the incident, which happens to be a gnome named Gnorm.

With a laughable plot that falls betwixt fantasy and buddy-comedy, as well as a pitiable attempt at puppetry, A Gnome Named Gnorm is strictly lowbrow entertainment.

Besides, the police dogs would eat the gnome cop before he could even solve his first case.

He’s a MisGnomer. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Hardly-Worker. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 20, 2011

Without jobs we would have nothing to hate. First up…

The Mechanic

The reason why mechanics make such excellent assassins must be because they can take out targets by over-charging them to death.

Oops! Apparently, the designation of mechanic in this action movie is a sobriquet for contract killer, and not a comment on the exorbitant cost of parts and labour.

After assassin Bishop (Jason Statham) executes his mentor McKenna (Donald Sutherland) on the command of his clandestine employer, he takes McKenna’s willful son Steve (Ben Foster) under his wing and teaches him the skills to kill.

Under his mentorship, Steve tethers his recklessness as he finds a father figure in Bishop. Meanwhile, he draws ever closer to the man who killed his father.

A bombastic interpretation of the 1972 classic, this version updates the story, the pacing and the violence, but fails to obscure the obvious climax.

Besides, doesn’t an old assassins' proverb state: The student shall someday garrote their teacher?  0

The Roommate   

The best thing about a roommate is that their sleeping body will keep the axe-murderer who just broke into your house busy, while you escape.

Unfortunately, that plan doesn’t apply to situations wherein your roommate is the axe-murderer.

Sara’s (Minka Kelly) dream of becoming a fashion designer turns into a nightmare when her new college roommate Rebecca (Leighton Meester) becomes infatuated with her.

From entrapping Sara’s professor (Billy Zane), to physically attacking anyone, including Sara’s new boyfriend, who threatens to tear the two apart, Rebecca’s disturbed mind knows no bounds.

But it is not until she takes on the identity of Sara’s deceased sister that the frightened freshman fights back.

With its scarcity of scares and obvious aping of superior interpretations, this twenty-something take on the obsessive thriller does the generally entertaining genre a disservice.

Besides, if you want the real psycho college roommate experience, go to community college.  0

The Rite

Typically, the job of a Catholic priest’s assistant is to keep an eye out while the Father showers with the alter boys.

Thankfully, the duty of the deputy in this horror movie is a lot less devilish.

After receiving a complimentary degree from a seminary, Michael (Colin O'Donoghue) foregoes entering the priesthood due to skepticism.

In lieu of reimbursement of the tuition, Father Matthew (Toby Jones) suggests he study exorcism abroad.

Fascinated by demonic possession, when in Rome, Michael aligns himself with renowned exorcist Father Luca (Anthony Hopkins), who edifies the Doubting Thomas in the ways of the wicked.

But when a malevolent spirit enters his teacher, Michael’s fluctuating faith must be steadfast.

By treading no new terrain in terms of storyline or gore, The Rite is an exercise in exorcism that plods along at a lackadaisical pace.

Besides, nothing is more ironic, or hilarious, than a demonically possessed priest.  0

***Bury the Hatchet Man***

The Hit

Assassins don’t have apprentices because they don’t want other people’s eye-goobies all over their riflescope.

And while the gunman in this drama is more a close-range type of guy, he must still contend with a hapless partner.

Ten years after he sent his crew to jail, following a botched robbery, Willie (Terence Stamp) is living the highlife in Spain.

However, everything changes when a well-worn hitman Braddock (John Hurt) and his green trainee Myron (Tim Roth) arrive to escort Willie to Paris, where he’ll reunite with those he ratted out.

While on the road, the aged assassin struggles to comprehend Willie’s Zen-like state and the bond he's forged with Myron.

One of the most violent, artistic, yet humorous attempts at exemplify the decline of a triggerman’s career, The Hit is on target.

Unfortunately, the only guests at an assassin's retirement party would be the vengeful offspring of their past kills.

He has excellent Death Perception. He's the...

Vidiot 

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's a Mismatch Maker. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 13, 2011

How is it so easy for the Internet to meet singles? First up…

Blue Valentine

Here is some helpful dating advice: When your valentine begins to turn blue, it means that you are hugging them way too hard.

Unfortunately, the male counterpart in this drama has to relinquish more than just his embrace around his despondent wife.

While their courtship was passionate, once Cindy (Michelle Williams) and Dean (Ryan Gosling) got married and had a daughter they grew distant.

That distance then begets resentment subsequent to Cindy’s encounter with an ex-boyfriend at the supermarket.

Given a glimpse of her possible future, she begins to ponder her present, specifically the lack of love she feels towards the man raising her child.

By skipping back and fourth along the relationship’s timeline, this convoluted and jarring love story is permitted to reach full bloom, whilst in total retrograde.

Now, if I could only travel backwards along my own romantic timeline to before my wife cut my penis off.  0

No Strings Attached

If there is no string attached, you must seek immediate medical attention, or you could suffer toxic shock.

Oops! Apparently, this is a romantic-comedy about two acquaintances deciding to engage in a sexual relationship sans emotions, and not a how-to on proper tampon remove.

After discovering his father is dating his ex, Adam (Ashton Kutcher) goes into a spiral.

While corkscrewing his way to the bottom, he’s reintroduced to a childhood crush, Emma (Natalie Portman).

Unwilling to date, Emma does agree to become his bed buddy – insisting that they call it off once one of them develops feelings for the other.

Needles to say, it’s not long until one reneges on their promise.

What might have been a sardonic statement on a seedy sexual scenario is instead a flatlinning facsimile of every other cliché-ridden rom-com.

Besides, there is more to relationships than just sex - there are also the loud arguments.  0

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

The best part about being a child star is that when you’re older you can sell your teeth online.

Fortunately, the teen idol in this musical/documentary/commercial has not got to that stage in his career, as of yet.

With only days to go before his sold-out concert at Madison Square Gardens, singer/dancer Justin Bieber begins to loose his voice after a play-date with his old friends.

Meanwhile, the young performer’s life is recounted via home videos and Youtube clips of him singing on Canadian street corners.

Eventually, Justin’s past and present biographies converge on stage, where rabid fans bare witness to Justin’s My World Tour - featuring Ludacris and Sean Kingston.

Pre-packaged for the tween market, this 3-D biography/concert will enrage his detractors, but appease his admirers.

What’s more, it’s proof that contacting a young boy that you saw on the Internet, whom you’ll later exploit for profit, isn’t creepy.  0

***American Midols***

From Justin to Kelly

The cost-effective basis behind movies starring flavours of the month is that the running time is only 15 minutes.

Unfortunately, this 2003 romantic/musical/comedy featuring the winner and runner-up of American Idol bucks the trend.

While on spring break with her girlfriends, Kelly (Kelly Clarkson) meets Justin (Justin Guarini), a fellow spring breaker who is likewise accompanied by his boys.

Needles to say, the reality star-crossed lovers are brought together, before being torn apart, and brought back together.

The whole time, Justin and Kelly’s crews create mischief, when they're not joining the leads in choreographed song and dance.

While it pretends to pay homage to hep beach party musicals, Justin and Kelly are complete squares: their songs are forgettable, their acting is incompetent and their dance routines are substandard.

Maybe the producers of American Idol should’ve gone with their guts, and instead of Florida, set spring break in a Coca-Cola factory.

He’s a Shame Whore. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Gel Masked Man. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 6, 2011

I cannot keep a secret identity. First up…

The Green Hornet

The reason why most crime-fighters are billionaires is because blue-collar vigilantes can’t afford vehicle, boat, and jet-powered hang-glider insurance.

Thankfully for the masked man in this action/adventure, his alter ego can incur the cost of underwriting automotive law-upholding aides.

After the death of his father, spoiled playboy Britt (Seth Rogan) assumes the mantle of master-criminal Green Hornet and infiltrates the city’s underworld, which is run by the self-conscience criminal Chudnofsky (Christoph Waltz).

Armed with an arsenal amassed by his father’s servant Kato (Jay Chou), Britt unearths an affiliation between city hall and Chudnofsky.

Inspired by the 1930s radio program, this reinvention plays the ludicrous source material as a comedy, with great results: the action is artistic, the jokes are amiable and the story is refreshing.

What's more, as a constantly battered vigilante, if you have a sidekick, you are never too far from a fresh supply of blood and/or organs.  0

The Dilemma

If you ever discover that your best friend’s wife is cheating on him, get her to bring your wife along next time, so that you can hangout with your buddy.

Unfortunately, the pal privy to the amorality of his chum’s chick in this comedy handles the information the wrong way.

While scouting the botanical gardens for his pending proposal, Ronny (Vince Vaughn) spots Geneva (Winona Ryder), the wife of his best friend Nick (Kevin James), kissing another man (Channing Tatum).

Displeased by this discovery, Ronny begins a campaign to expose Geneva. However, she tells Ronny that if he tells Nick anything, she will inform him about her and Ronny's shared past.

Touted as a comedy, The Dilemma delves into dark territory quickly, and stays there. That misdirection, paired with Vaughn’s standard smug shtick, manufactures an unmemorable mess.

Besides, the only appropriate action for this type of dilemma is extortion.  0

***Side-Kicking Ass***

Doc Savage: The Man of Bronze

To receive a descriptor like: The Man of Bronze one would either have to be an inferior athlete, or neglect to properly bribe the IOC officials.

And though the Adonis in this action/adventure has the attributes of an Olympian, the alloy in reference is not to an award but to his epidermis.

Subsequent to his father’s murder, an assassination attempt is made on Doc Savage (Ron Ely), a brainy, brawny, billionaire, who unknowingly has his father’s land claim to a city of gold in his possession.

Aided by an eclectic quintet of sidekicks, Doc heads to the Mayan jungle to stop an evil sea captain and The Green Death from procuring his father's bullion.

Campy to the core but thrilling through-and-through, visionary producer George Pal brings the iconic 1930s pulp character and his cohorts to vivid life.

Unfortunately, with 5 sidekicks, you have to attach 5 sidecars to your motorcycle. 

He’s The Man of Pewter. He’s the…

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