He's a Mismatch Maker. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of May 13, 2011
How is it so easy for the Internet to meet singles? First up…
Blue Valentine
Here is some helpful dating advice: When your valentine begins to turn blue, it means that you are hugging them way too hard.
Unfortunately, the male counterpart in this drama has to relinquish more than just his embrace around his despondent wife.
While their courtship was passionate, once Cindy (Michelle Williams) and Dean (Ryan Gosling) got married and had a daughter they grew distant.
That distance then begets resentment subsequent to Cindy’s encounter with an ex-boyfriend at the supermarket.
Given a glimpse of her possible future, she begins to ponder her present, specifically the lack of love she feels towards the man raising her child.
By skipping back and fourth along the relationship’s timeline, this convoluted and jarring love story is permitted to reach full bloom, whilst in total retrograde.
Now, if I could only travel backwards along my own romantic timeline to before my wife cut my penis off. 0
No Strings Attached
If there is no string attached, you must seek immediate medical attention, or you could suffer toxic shock.
Oops! Apparently, this is a romantic-comedy about two acquaintances deciding to engage in a sexual relationship sans emotions, and not a how-to on proper tampon remove.
After discovering his father is dating his ex, Adam (Ashton Kutcher) goes into a spiral.
While corkscrewing his way to the bottom, he’s reintroduced to a childhood crush, Emma (Natalie Portman).
Unwilling to date, Emma does agree to become his bed buddy – insisting that they call it off once one of them develops feelings for the other.
Needles to say, it’s not long until one reneges on their promise.
What might have been a sardonic statement on a seedy sexual scenario is instead a flatlinning facsimile of every other cliché-ridden rom-com.
Besides, there is more to relationships than just sex - there are also the loud arguments. 0
Justin Bieber: Never Say Never
The best part about being a child star is that when you’re older you can sell your teeth online.
Fortunately, the teen idol in this musical/documentary/commercial has not got to that stage in his career, as of yet.
With only days to go before his sold-out concert at Madison Square Gardens, singer/dancer Justin Bieber begins to loose his voice after a play-date with his old friends.
Meanwhile, the young performer’s life is recounted via home videos and Youtube clips of him singing on Canadian street corners.
Eventually, Justin’s past and present biographies converge on stage, where rabid fans bare witness to Justin’s My World Tour - featuring Ludacris and Sean Kingston.
Pre-packaged for the tween market, this 3-D biography/concert will enrage his detractors, but appease his admirers.
What’s more, it’s proof that contacting a young boy that you saw on the Internet, whom you’ll later exploit for profit, isn’t creepy. 0
***American Midols***
From Justin to Kelly
The cost-effective basis behind movies starring flavours of the month is that the running time is only 15 minutes.
Unfortunately, this 2003 romantic/musical/comedy featuring the winner and runner-up of American Idol bucks the trend.
While on spring break with her girlfriends, Kelly (Kelly Clarkson) meets Justin (Justin Guarini), a fellow spring breaker who is likewise accompanied by his boys.
Needles to say, the reality star-crossed lovers are brought together, before being torn apart, and brought back together.
The whole time, Justin and Kelly’s crews create mischief, when they're not joining the leads in choreographed song and dance.
While it pretends to pay homage to hep beach party musicals, Justin and Kelly are complete squares: their songs are forgettable, their acting is incompetent and their dance routines are substandard.
Maybe the producers of American Idol should’ve gone with their guts, and instead of Florida, set spring break in a Coca-Cola factory.
He’s a Shame Whore. He’s the…
Vidiot
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