He’s a Rabid Dog & Pony Show. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of September 1, 2017
Street festivals are great opportunities to
rub against strangers. First up…
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
The worst thing about summer in space is
that all of the garage sales float away.
Fortunately, the starship in this sci-fi
adventure has found a planet able to regulate its own gravity.
When Rocket (Bradley Cooper) pockets a
powerful battery, the alien race he stole it from hires Yondu (Michael Rooker)
to bring it and the Guardians of the Galaxy – Star-Lord (Chris Pratt), Gamora
(Zoe Saldana), Drax (Dave Bautista), Baby Groot (Vin Diesel) – back to them.
While his surrogate father stalks him,
Star-Lord’s real father Ego (Kurt Russell) offers him and his crew asylum on a
sentient planet.
A surprisingly emotional sequel to the 2014
sleeper hit, this complex follow-up focuses on the fluidity of fatherhood and
the burden of loss. Thankfully, it also amps up the action and layers on the
laughs.
Incidentally, if planet Earth was sentient
then she could tell us where to drill for oil.
Green Light
Okja
When the world runs out of food the
starving masses will have you choice but to eat at Arby’s.
Thankfully, the scientists in this fantasy
are devising new food sources.
A greedy CEO (Tilda Swinton) creates and
disperses a race of super-pigs across the globe that she hopes will someday
feed the multitudes and make her millions.
Ten years later, Okja, the super-sized
swine adopted by a South Korean girl (Ahn Seo-hyun), grabs headlines when she
becomes embroiled in a battle between the company’s crazed zoologist (Jake
Gyllenhaal) and animal rights activists (Paul Dano, Lily Collins) trying to
liberate her from slaughter.
An eclectic parable of the meat industry
marinated in oddball performances, this quirky Korean import pads its
vegetarian agenda with twee moments between pig and owner that are brutally
punctuated by the grim reality of the food chain.
Besides, wouldn’t it just be easier to
start eating CEOs? Green Light
Baywatch
The most important thing to remember when
lifeguarding is to not rely on dolphins to save every one.
Thankfully, the lifeguards in this comedy
are keeping their beach safe themselves.
When esteemed lifeguard Mitch (Dwayne
Johnson) is forced to add hotshot Olympian Brody (Zac Efron) to his summer
roster, he shows his distain by training the cocksure rookie himself.
After enduring Mitch’s grueling feats of
strength, Brody is filled in on the Baywatch team’s (Alexandra Daddario, Kelly
Rohrbach) extracurricular activities: surveilling a suspected drug smuggler
(Priyanka Chopra).
A raunchier version of the already
exploitive television series, this poorly written feature film adaptation
brings the show’s best assets to the forefront but at the expensive of a decent
story and capable acting. The terrible T&A humour aside, this quasi-tribute
plays more like an insult to the show and it’s fans.
Incidentally, the only explosions
lifeguards see are the beached whale kind.
Red Light
Born in China
Girls born in China know that they will
grow up in a safe, white American suburb.
Unfortunately, as this documentary
verifies, the same doesn’t apply to every female species in China.
A single-mother snow leopard struggles to
find nourishment for her young in China’s merciless mountain region. Meanwhile
in the jungle, the birth of a female golden snub-nosed monkey forces a
neglected male to venture out on his own. Also leaving the nest is a giant
panda whose mother is having a hard time letting her go.
Narrated by John Krasinski, Disney’s latest
nature documentary once again does an excellent job of capturing rare fauna in
their native environments. Unfortunately, like the others in the eco-series,
this maternal endeavour is also heavily edited to fit a desired narrative while
the animals are given human characteristics.
By making the pandas human, however, just
makes eating ginger beef that much more difficult. Yellow Light
***The Amazing Sea-Man***
Revenge of the Creature
The reason you don’t see Gill-men in the
ocean anymore is because of plastic grocery bags.
Thankfully, this horror movie occurs before
those choking hazards were invented.
Sedated and removed from his natural
habitat, Gil-Man née The Creature from the Black Lagoon (Tom Hennesy) awakens
from sedation to find himself at Marineland.
In captivating, he’s abused and put on
display by his new handler (John Bromfield). A psychologist (John Agar) and an
ichthyologist, Helen (Lori Nelson), study him in the off-hours.
When he escapes, Gil-man exacts his revenge
on his cruel captor and kidnaps his new crush, Helen.
An animal rights analogy disguised as a
drive-in B-Movie, this 3-D sequel doesn’t have the same production values as
the landmark original, but it does deliver an impactful message on animal
captivity and its deadly repercussions.
Incidentally, the best way to kill a
Gil-Man is to drag it ashore for a selfie.
He’s a Nude Beached Whale. He’s the…
Vidiot
