Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Asteroid Belt Buckle. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of August 18, 2017

Outer space is just Earth’s attic. First up…

 

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Alien Covenant

The key to colonizing a new planet is bringing enough weapons to subjugate the current inhabitants.

Unfortunately, the colonists in this sci-fi thriller only brought American flags.

When a settlement ship on its way to its new home world breaks down, the onboard android (Michael Fassbender) wakes the crew (Katherine Waterston, Billy Crudup, Danny McBride) from stasis so they can mend the ship on a nearby planet.

Luckily, that planet is home to a lost crewmember of an earlier Earth expedition. Unluckily, it’s infested with body-imbedding aliens created by the previous party’s experiments with locale DNA.

Although this sequel to Prometheus finds director Ridley Scott returning to his horror roots, this Alien prequel resembles too many other entries in the anthology to be revolutionary. This is particularly true when it comes to the heroine.

Besides, if mankind wanted to create new life it would just legalize marriage with space bacteria.  Yellow Light

 

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How to Be a Latin Lover    

To be a successful Latin lover you must consummate your sham marriage in 90-days or be deported.

Smartly, the lothario in this comedy has sex in the first 90 minutes.

Securing a sugar mama at the old of 21, Maximo (Eugenio Derbez) has spent the last 25 years leeching off his wealthy, older wife. But that all changed when she left him for a younger model (Michael Cera).

Single for the first time in ages and living with his estranged sister (Salma Hayek) and her son, who he is training to be a Latin lover, Maximo seeks help from a fellow gigolo (Rob Lowe).

With a plethora of Hollywood cameos to compensate for its unknown lead, those brief star-studded appearances are the only highlight in this predictable comedy’s endless parade of sexist, racist and humorless jokes.  

Incidentally, sex with a senior citizen is actually a threesome with the Grim Reaper.  Red Light 

***Acid Test Subjects***

 

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Alien Resurrection

The hardest part of mixing human and alien DNA is picking the right mood music.

Regrettably, the scientists in sci-fi thriller don’t divulge which slow-jams were successful.

When a ship of mercenaries (Winona Ryder, Ron Perlman, Dominique Pinon) docks at a military vessel to drop off stasis bodies for scientific experiments, they recognize a familiar face. Despite being dead for 200 years, military heroine Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) appears alive, well and enhanced with alien attributes, including acidic blood.

The mercs eventually discover that there are other genetically engineered aliens aboard and that the infested ship is headed straight for Earth.

Thanks to French director Jean-Pierre Jeunet, this third sequel in the Alien franchise manages to stand on its own merits, despite sharing similarities with its predecessors. With strong female leads and creative visuals this unsung sequel deserves revisiting.   

However, the real horror show doesn’t start until the human/alien in-laws meet.

He’s an Asteroid Shower Cap. He’s the….

 Vidiot