Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Paradigm Shift Worker . He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of November 25, 2010

Following the crowd is too crowded. First up…

Eat Pray Love

Ding-ding-ding! What are three things you do at church: Eat McGriddles, Pray to Santa and make Love in the confessional.

Oops. Apparently this isn’t a game show, but one woman’s journey of self-discovery that finds her traveling the globe.

After her divorce, Elizabeth (Julia Roberts) decides she needs to find herself. In this case, however, “herself” happens to be eating in Italy, meditating in India and flirting in Bali.

At each of her destinations, Elizabeth ascertains a new life lesson from one of the men (James Franco, Richard Jenkins, Javier Bardem) she encounters along the way.

Based on the popular novel, Eat Pray Love is an overwrought production that caters to chick flick fans and the self-help crowd. Egocentric, placid and long-winded, Eat Pray Love is most peoples' life in a nutshell.

As for those who cannot afford a yearlong sabbatical to find themselves, dropping acid gets the same results.  0

The Expendables

The reason there are no senior citizen mercenaries is because when they bite the pin from the grenade, they pull out their dentures instead.

Fortunately, the senile action stars and newbie bad-asses in this movie don’t need bifocal scopes on their guns.

When Barney (Sylvester Stallone), the head of a crew of contract killers, accepts a mission to overthrow a dictator, he assembles his team (Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren) and embarks on a simple job…or so he thinks.

Propped up by an ex-CIA agent (Eric Roberts) and his muscle (Steve Austin), the foreign despot proves more problematic for Barney and his boys.

With cameos from Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis and Mickey Rourke, The Expendables is a throwback to the glory days of action movies – that, unfortunately, includes the acting and dialogue. Thankfully, the action is gratuitous.

As for the best way to kill a dictator: poison their military fatigues. 0

***The Pied Sniper***

The Day of the Jackal 

The reason world leaders like to wear military uniforms, while in office, is that they remind the populous that their president has killed innocent people before and could easily do so again.

And while the French President does wear his general’s threads here, he is not the one employing violence in this spy-thriller.

After he gives Algeria independence, an upset group of French radicals plot to assassinate Charles de Gaulle (Adrien Cayla-Legrand).

Following a number of failed attempts, the faction finally decides to hire a contract killer codename: The Jackal (Edward Fox) to carry out their hit.

From the hire to the kill shot, The Day of the Jackal is an in-depth and engaging account of the methodical preparation that goes into an assassination plot.

The worst part of sniping someone from afar with a rifle, however, is convincing the target to wear that bull’s eye t-shirt you gave them. 

He Braids his Crosshairs. He’s the… 

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He has a Ribald Spot. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of November 18, 2010

Don’t believe the hyperbole. First up…

The Last Airbender

Good riddance – the end of Airbenders means the end of rigged kite fighting competitions. At last, those without the power to control the breeze will prevail.

Oops. Pardon my premature celebration, as it appears the Last Airbender means that one still lives…but for how much long?

Katara (Nicola Peltz), and her brother, Sokka (Jackson Rathbone), discover an Airbender, Aang (Noah Ringer), in the ice. Meanwhile, the estranged prince of the Fire Nation (Dev Patel) wishes to possess the element-manipulator for himself, to impress his father.

Elsewhere, the subjugated nations of Air, Earth and Water stage a revolt against their incendiary overlords.

Based on the cartoon series, this live-action version written, produced and director by M. Night Shyamalan is terribly written, produced and directed.

Lackadaisically adhering to the source material, the characters and their ethnicities, The Last Airbender is an egregious display.

What’s worse, if Airbenders go extinct, who will redirect my farts?  0

Lottery Ticket

In addition to millions of dollars, when someone wins the lottery, they also win greedy relatives, continual litigation and multiple lightening strikes.

Fortunately, the lucky ticket-holder in this comedy only has to cope with a vindictive ex-con.

When word gets out that Kevin (Bow Wow) won the $370 million jackpot, his neighbourhood comes a-knocking. 

Unable to collect his winnings for 3 days, Kevin must keep the winning ticket away from the perils of spontaneous prosperity, i.e. sexy sycophants, a loan shark (Keith David) and a local thug.

Fortunately, Kevin has an impoverished ex-boxer (Ice Cube) in his corner.

While it attempts to evoke nostalgia for old school neighbourhood-centric comedies, Lottery Ticket is a lousy torchbearer: the casting is second-rate, the characters are typecasts, and the jokes are tired. 

And besides, regardless of who claims the winning ticket, in any lottery the manufacturer of the giant novelty cheque is always the winner.  0 

Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore

In combat situations, felines and canines can be indispensable soldiers. Dogs can sniff out the enemy, while cats can live with them until they die of loneliness.

And while the day of a unified household pet front is far, this sequel finds the furry foes working together.

A police dog, Diggs (James Marsden), causes an explosion and is sent to the kennel where he’s recruited by Dogs HQ for a secret assignment that involves tracking down ex-cat agent Kitty Galore (Bette Midler), who’s designed a weapon that will cause dogs to turn on their owners.

But in order to bring her to justice, Diggs must team-up with a feline agent (Christina Applegate).

The unnecessary sequel to Cats & Dogs, The Revenge of Kitty Galore is infested with poor puns and even worse animation.

Besides, if cats and dogs are teaming up to fight a common enemy, shouldn’t that foe be heartworms?  0

The Kids Are All Right

When the sperm bank says the person who received your donation would like to meet, you’d expect to convene with the recipient of a sperm transfusion.

However, the donor in this dramedy is shocked to learn that the beneficiary of his spermatozoon was a lesbian couple.

When Joni (Mia Wasikowska) turns 18-years-old her younger brother Laser (Josh Hutcherson) insists that she contact their biological father.

Put in contact with Paul (Mark Ruffalo), they meet. Later, Joni introduces him to her mothers Jules (Julianne Moore) and Nic (Annette Bening). While Jules welcomes him into their family, Nic considers him a threat.

Heaving with first-rate performances, The Kids Are All Right is a unique film that dissects the modern family, while exploring the part that sexuality plays in parenting.

And though awkward, meeting your donor allows you to see if your short stature is actually a result of their low sperm count.  0

A Christmas Carol

If the stingy skinflint Scrooge was a wet blanket when it came to the 12 days of Christmas, can you imagine how he’d feel about today’s 12 weeks of Christmas?

Fortunately, he doesn’t have to deal with the commercial commandeering of Christmas...only a handful of ghosts.

On Christmas Eve, Scrooge (Jim Carrey) is visited by his deceased business partner Jacob Marley (Gary Oldman), who informs him that three spirits–The Ghost of Christmas Past (Jim Carrey), The Ghost of Christmas Present (Jim Carrey) and the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come (Jim Carrey)–will visit him before dawn.

With a stringent allegiance to the Dickens classic, the only surprise to be found in this version is in the film’s 3-D animated performance capture method, which is simultaneously exhilarating and eerie.

Unfortunately, the only spirit that will be visiting folks this recession will be the Ghost of Christmas Past Due.  0

***The Muffit Show***

The Muppets Christmas Carol

The best thing about spending the holidays with the Muppets is that when it gets cold you can insulate your house with their felt bodies.

And while the stringent skinflint Ebenezer Scrooge isn’t winter proofing his home with Gonzo, he is starring alongside him in this Muppet version of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol.

On Christmas Eve, Scrooge (Michael Caine) is visited by his deceased business partners Jacob and Robert Marley (Statler and Waldorf)), who inform him that three spirits will visit his bed chamber in an attempt to show him the error of his avarice.

With Kermit the Frog as Bob Cratchit, Miss Piggy his wife, and Robin, their son Tiny Tim, The Muppets Christmas Carol perfectly melds the worlds of Henson and Dickens, with joyous results.

However, I have a hard time believing that Michael Caine didn’t shove his fists into Fozzie and use him as a muff.   

He’s the Ghost of Christmas Passed Out. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Hypocritic. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of November 11, 2010

Chopping opinions always makes me cry. First up…

Grown Ups

When old school chums get together to talk about their former junior high coach it’s usually before a grand jury.

Fortunately, that’s not the case with this comedy. Instead, the ex-teammates have regrouped for their coach’s funeral.

To honour his dearly departed trainer, Lenny (Adam Sandler) and his wife (Salma Hayek) open their lake house to his buddies (Kevin James, Rob Schneider, Chris Rock, David Spade) and their families (Maria Bello, Maya Rudolph).

As the friends get down to their old tricks, they discover that they still have a strong connection, which they use to solve each other’s personal problems. 

While it is aswarm in SNL alumni, Grown Ups is a solemn assembly of family-friendly, non-alcoholic jokes delivered by a clusterfuck of castrated comedies.

In fact, this movie is an example of what happens when stand-up comedians don’t die of an overdose or commit suicide early on in their career.  0

Charlie St. Cloud

For a teen driver, the worst part of being in an accident is not having enough time to update their Facebook status before impacting the windshield.

Fortunately, the adolescent driver responsible for the fender-bender in this drama lived to drive distracted again. Unfortunately, his passenger did not.

When Charlie St. Cloud (Zac Efron), an accomplished yachtsman and soon-to-be Stanford freshman, crashes into another vehicle, his younger brother is killed instantly.

Racked with guilt, Charlie sequesters himself to a cemetery, where he regularly plays catch with his brother’s ghost. But all that changes when he’s reunited with a girl from high school, whom he shares a passion for sailing with.

A paranormal parable grafted onto a hokey love story, Charlie St. Cloud is barley buoyant under its own melodrama. But women will like it anyways.

Nevertheless, if given the opportunity to select a ghost to play ball with...pick your dead dog.  0

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

Here’s some advice for anyone going toe-to-toe with the world. First, pull its Greenland. Then, poke out its Ireland. Finally, kick it Down Under.

Oops! Apparently, the “world” in the title of this pop culture laden love story is a metaphor, and not an upcoming bout.

When loafer Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera) falls for the unconventional Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), he must face-off against her ex-lovers (Chris Evans, Brandon Routh, Mae Whitman, Jason Schwartzman) if he hopes to court her.

Furthermore, Scott must win Battle of the Bands, and keep his budding romance from his current girlfriend (Ellen Wong).   

An illustrious homage to the worlds of anime, gaming, and dating, Scott Pilgrim is a worthy adaptation of the graphic novel created by Canada’s Bryan Lee O'Malley.

However, it’s not surprising a Canuck would create such an iconic comic-book character, since that’s the only thing that those people can read.  0  

Ramona and Beezus

It’s a shame kids today don’t use their imagination, because instead of never seeing their father, they could just pretend he’s in jail.

Luckily, the Quimby kids reside with both parents. What’s more, they also have a good sense of wonder.

When the precocious and klutzy Ramona (Joey King) learns of her father’s (John Corbett) downsizing, she decides she will keep her home from foreclosure through moneymaking schemes.

While her plans fail to prosper, they do, inadvertently, reunite her aunt (Ginnifer Goodwin) with her high school sweetheart (Josh Duhamel). Meanwhile, her older sister Beezus (Selena Gomez) makes her first foray into the dating world.

Inspired by the books by Beverly Cleary, Ramona and Beezus uses contemporary scenarios to bring the bumbling third grader to the present without sacrificing the characters wide-eyed optimism or incurable creativity.

Unfortunately, having an accident-prone child really sucks, because everyone naturally assumes you beat them.  0

***Family Valuables***

Heart and Souls

Since kids can talk to ghosts, we should get them to ask our deceased relatives where they hid all of those rare silver dollars.

Unfortunately, the lost souls haunting the little boy in this comedy are the ones who are asking him for salvation.

Twenty-five years after the four spirits (Charles Grodin, Kyra Sedgwick, Tom Sizemore, Alfre Woodard) that were bound to him after they died in a bus crash disappeared, the now grown up and callous Thomas (Robert Downey Jr.) is surprised to find them asking for his help. In exchange, they assist him with wooing his frustrated girlfriend (Elisabeth Shue).

While not enough time is spent on exploring each of the wannabe-angels unfinished business, Heart and Souls is ultimately an amusing anecdote about removing remorse from your eternal records.

Furthermore, it exposes the prejudiced nature of the afterlife: Rich, white kids can afford to have multiple guardian angels.

He’s a Viewpoint Man. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He has a Chinese Checkered Past. He’s the…

Vidiot

The Week of 8 Years (November 4, 2010)

Toys are for babies. Play with yourself. First up…

Toy Story 3

The hardest part of donating your toys to charity is the knowledge that some less-fortunate kid will now be playing with your favourite nipple clamps.

Oops! Apparently, you’re not supposed to donate sex toys to charity. Furthermore, the toys in this Pixar animated picture are not being donated to charity, nor were they purchased at a XXX store.

When their owner is packing for college, Woody (Tom Hanks), Buzz Lightyear, (Tim Allen) and the rest of the toys are mistakenly dropped off at a daycare where they not only have to cope with unruly preschoolers, but also a posse of perturbed playthings led by a tyrannical teddy bear (Ned Beatty).

Constructed with the same care, clowning, and craftsmanship as its predecessors, Toy Story 3 will amuse both mature and immature fans alike.

And while giving up your toys is tough, as an adult you finally get to play with matches. 0  

***Boys & Arrows***

The Indian in the Cupboard

Terrific! First we took their land, then we confined them to reserves, now we’ve forced Native Americans to live inside of our furniture.

Fortunately, this kids’ movie is not about constricting a Cree to a credenza – it’s about an Iroquois.

For his 9th birthday, Omri (Hal Scardino) receives a cupboard and a plastic Indian figurine (Litefoot).

When he locks the statuette in the sideboard using a magic key, he opens to find that the toy has come to life.

Next, he places a plastic cowboy (David Keith) into the cupboard. And later, he must animate a plastic medic (Steve Coogan); unfortunately, he has lost the key.

Based on the beloved children’s book, The Indian in the Cupboard may have its faults but at heart it’s a compassionate account of growing up.

However, wouldn’t it be more enlightening for a maturing young man to bring his sister’s Bratz dolls to life?

He’s Causing a Hula-Hoopla. He's the...

Vidiot