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He’s Out of his Depth Charge. He’s the…

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Week of August 31, 2012

I lost my sea legs at war. First up…

Battleship

During wartime, the Navy positions its self far away from the front lines. When they do participant, it’s only to lob phallic looking missiles at the enemy from the safety of the ocean.

Surprisingly, the seamen and women in this sci-fi movie actually go toe-to-toe with their alien adversaries. 

When NASA transmits a signal to an Earth-like planet, it receives an answer in the form alien spacecraft that crash-land off the coast of Hawaii.

While their ships are disabled, the visitors are actively trying to establish communication with their home planet.  

Preventing them from accomplishing that is a hotshot lieutenant (Taylor Kitsch), his older brother (Alexander Skarsgård), and a motley crew (Rihanna, Jesse Plemons) of green recruits.

Based on the board game, Battleship is boilerplate invasion material: the dialogue is corny, the aliens uninspired and the heroes American.

Besides, the board game most akin to an extraterrestrial encounter is Operation.  0

Think Like a Man

If women start to think like men there’s going to be a lot of women walking around fondling their breasts.

And while this comedy isn’t about checking your BFFs out in the shower, it is about mimicking the male mindset.

Narrated by recently separated Cedric (Kevin Hart), Think Like a Man follows four friends (Romany Malco, Terrence Jenkins, Jerry Ferrara, Michael Ealy) as they navigate the relationship minefield.

While each of the friends corresponds to a clichéd category, so, too, do the women they pursue (Taraji P. Henson, Regina Hall, Gabrielle Union, Meagan Good).

However, the ladies have been consulting a book that expounds the secrets of a male’s state of mind in terms of courting and marriage. 

While it oversimplifies the masculine psyche, this adaptation of Steve Harvey’s book does have sage advice and a riotous performance from Kevin Hart.

As for thinking like a woman: Just act crazy.  0

The Lucky One

Some dating advice for soldiers returning home from war is to not wear their creepy army coat on a first date.

Fortunately, the trooper in this love story left his army issued apparel in his closet.

Following a night raid, US Marine Logan (Zac Efron), spots an abandoned photo of an American woman on the ground and picks it up, moments before another attack.

Convinced the image is providence, Logan sets out to find the older woman when he returns stateside.

Eventually landing in Louisiana, Logan locates the mystery woman, Beth (Taylor Schilling), who runs a kennel with her mother (Blythe Danner) and son.

However, Beth’s ex (Jay R. Ferguson) threatens their growing affection for one another.  

With Nicholas Sparks’ mawkish hallmarks, this adaptation adheres to his brand of endangered love with an obligatory fatality.

As for dating a veteran, you’ll need a secondary coatrack for all of their prosthetics.  0 

The Pirates! Band of Misfits

When it comes to terrorizing ships on the high seas, there’s only one word that instills fear in crewmates: Greenpeace.

However, as this stop-motion picture suggests, in the 1800s pirates were the pestering protesters of their day.

Determined to win Pirate of the Year, Pirate Captain (Hugh Grant) sets sails with his half-baked crew (Brendan Gleeson, Anton Yelchin, Ashley Jensen, Al Roker) to uncover a booty that will outshine his fellow plunderers (Salma Hayek, Jeremy Piven, Lenny Henry).

While ransacking Charles Darwin’s (David Tennant) boat, Pirate Captain learns of his parrot’s evolutionary rarity. 

Despite Queen Victoria’s (Imelda Staunton) intolerance towards pirates, he travels to London to claim riches for it.

With a lively cast, stunningly sculptured sets, and plenty of pert, this 3-D adaptation of the British book series is funnier than most adult comedies. 

Incidentally, the worst part of winning pirate of the year is excavating the buried trophy. 0

***Navel Gazing***

McHale’s Navy

The easiest way to defeat the navy is to get out of the water.

Unfortunately, the terrorist in this comedy seized control of an island.

Decommissioned Lt. Commander McHale (Tom Arnold) comes out of retirement after his old enemy Major Vladikov (Tim Curry) commandeers a Caribbean island in hopes of turning it into a shared nuclear missile silo for China and Russia.

Now, it’s up to the cunning commander and his screwball crew (French Stewart, Bruce Campbell, Brian Haley, Tommy Chong) to cancel out the pesky ruski’s plans for world domination.

Nevertheless, McHale faces opposition from a commanding officer (Dean Stockwell), a lieutenant (Debra Messing) and an ensign (David Alan Grier).

While it features cameos from the old TV show it’s based on, McHale’s Navy lacks the comedic chops to do its predecessor justice, save for a few blips. 

Incidentally, the most action the navy sees is on shore leave. 

He’s Ship Don’t Sink. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Right Wingman. He’s the…

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Week of August 24, 2012

The poor can’t afford to be rich. First up…

The Dictator

Remove their medals, fatigues and facial hair, and dictators are nothing but unbalanced people with access to nuclear arms.

Unfortunately, the tetchy tyrant in this comedy has lost all of the above.

Before he can address the UN, Admiral General Aladeen (Sacha Baron Cohen), a merciless, misogynistic martinet from Wadiya, North African, is kidnapped.

Beardless and powerless, he must now earn an honest living in NYC. 

Meanwhile, a look-a-like hired by Aladeen’s uncle (Ben Kingsley) presents the Security Council with plans to covert Wadiya into a democracy.

Incensed, the insolvent Aladeen must seek the aid of an impudent female (Anna Faris) if he hopes to regain his regime.

While it takes awhile to hit its stride, once it does, there are heaps of offensive religious, political and sexual jokes for infidels to worship.

Incidentally, the best way to usurp any authoritarian administration is to include third-party candidates on the ballot.  0

A Separation

The worst part of separating from your spouse is deciding who’ll get to ignore the kids during the week and who gets to on the weekend.

Fortunately, the offspring caught in-between her parents’ separation in this drama is desired by both sides.

A marriage is torn apart when Simin (Leila Hatami) decides she wants to flee Iran so her daughter (Sarina Farhadi) can have a better life.

But her husband Nader (Peyman Moaadi) is resolved to care for his father who has dementia.

With Simin gone, Nader hires a caretaker (Sareh Bayat), who later accuses him of causing her miscarriage when he expels her for stealing.

With Nader facing murder charges, Simin must return and defend him.

Using marital separation to analyze Iran’s religious, sexual and class divisions, A Separation is an intense and indelible experience.

Besides, estranged wives always return home once they start to miss their husband’s farts. 0

Bernie

The best part of dating a senior citizen is that you have from 5 p.m. to 5 a.m. the next morning to cheat on them.

However, loyalty is only one of the many attributes the undertaker in this docu-dramedy posses.

Arriving in a small Texan town, the gregarious Bernie (Jack Black) quickly lands a position at the local mortuary, where his stirring sermons and angelic voice woe mourners. 

Although single, Bernie spends inordinate amounts of time with Marge (Shirley MacLaine), a recent widow and the town’s richest resident.

But when Marge goes missing, and her estranged family comes looking for her, Bernie must concoct a pretext to prevent the D.A. (Matthew McConaughey) from uncovering the truth about her whereabouts.

Part quirky mockumentary, part horrify crime drama, this fact-based yarn highlights a brilliant performance by Black.

Incidentally, when you date a senior you get invited to all the swankiest D-Day ceremonies.  0

Chimpanzee

The wild can be a dangerous place for a chimpanzee. Mostly because tire swings in their natural form are attached to speeding vehicles.

Fortunately, there are no SUVs for the primates in this documentary to be pinned under.

When his mother is killed in a territorial skirmish with a rival tribe lead by the cruel Scar, a young chimp named Oscar must learn to survive on his own.

Lonely and emaciated, Oscar struggles to retain the survival lessons that his mother instilled in him, but to no avail.

Luckily, an unpredictable bachelor in the tribe does something completely unexpected and adopts the orphaned ape as his own.

Narrated by Tim Allen, this Disney nature documentary features fantastic up-close footage of life amongst our relatives, paying particularly close attention to how their empathy apes our own.

However, in cases like this, I always thought that guardianship went to the monkey’s uncle.  0

***Weekend of the Line***

Weekend at Bernie's

Realistically, if you are going to be walking around with a corpse, it’s best to do so in a cold climate.

However, the friends gallivanting around with a carcass in this comedy aren’t interested in retarding its putrefaction.

After co-workers and friends, Larry (Andrew McCarthy) and Richard (Jonathan Silverman) uncover insurance fraud at their investment firm, they take their findings to their boss, Bernie (Terry Kiser), who invites them up to his Hamptons home to discuss the matter.

But when Bernie’s assassinated, the dimwits decide to act as if nothing has happened, pretending that their host is still alive.

Through elaborate means, the duo manage to deter the would-be killer, if only for a short time.

While its ludicrous plot deteriorates faster than Bernie’s flesh, this outlandish comedy, however, does find ingenious ways of keeping the titular character animated.

Furthermore, a stiff at the beach makes an ideal paddleboard.

He's a Bad Buoy. He's the...

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He’s Off the Reserved. He’s the…

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Week of August 17, 2012

Nature is preordained to be pooped in. First up…

The Hunger Games

Any game that you have to play hungry is going to be a game with a lot of decapitations.

And while this sci-fi film isn’t about competing whilst hangry, it does have mounds of mutilations.

As retribution for a failed revolt, the president (Donald Sutherland) of a dystopian capital selects two children from each district and has them compete against each to the death.

Taking her sister’s place in this year’s games is Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence).

Along with her male equivalent (Josh Hutcherson), Katniss must learn to listen to her trainer/previous winner (Woody Harrelson) and stylist (Lenny Kravitz) if she hopes to sway the superficial fans and survive.

With a subversive script, an apt cast and an unconventional romance, this film adaptation of the teen-lit sensation has much more depth than others of its ilk.

Incidentally, if Hunger Game officials are anything like their Olympic counterparts they can be bought.  0

The Raid: Redemption

Finally! Hollywood has made a movie about the forgotten frivolity of a good, old-fashioned panty raid.

What’s that? This action movie was made in Indonesian, and there are no female dormitories in it?

A dilapidated apartment becomes the prime directive of the Jakarta SWAT team after the high-rise is hijacked by a kingpin, Tama (Ray Sahetapy), and turned into a fortified safe haven for Jakarta’s worst criminals.

While officers Rama (Iko Uwais) and Jaka (Joe Taslim) safely enter the building, Tama soon locks all exits and puts the inhabitants on attack.

Forced to fight throngs of armed assailants, the pair receives help from a familiar face out of Rama’s past.

While it does start off sluggish, once the surprise narrative kicks in and the martial arts intensifies, The Raid: Redemption is finally redeemed.

As for staging a raid on an apartment, remember: bullet holes come out of the damage deposit.  0

Hick

The best thing about being a 13-year-old runaway is that your dismembered body parts get to visit every region of the country.

Fortunately, the young female hitchhiker in this drama is armed.

For her 13th birthday, Luli (Chloë Grace Moretz) is given a handgun, which she then brings along with her when she flees her alcoholic parents (Juliette Lewis, Anson Mount).

On the road, Luli encounters Eddie (Eddie Redmayne), who promises to take her from Nebraska to Las Vegas.

But when Eddie goes off the deep-end, Luli trades him in for a drug-addled con-woman, Glenda (Blake Lively), who teaches her how to survive on her own.

Eventually Eddie catches up and becomes Luli’s new guardian, when Glenda sells her out.

With dreadful performances and a sleazy storyline that boarders on pedophilia, Hick is a road trip best avoided.

Besides, everyone already knows runaway hicks only hitch rides on turnip trucks.  0

***Head of the Clash***

Battle Royale

Typically, not having a seat belt on the school bus is the most dangerous part of a field trip.

But having no restraint during a collision pales in comparison to the brutality that the classmates in this sci-fi film experience.

While on a school excursion, a group of Japanese students are unknowingly drugged.

When they gain consciousness, the students (Tatsuya Fujiwara, Aki Maeda, Taro Yamamoto) discover collars around their necks that will detonate if they are unruly or try to escape.

Given provisions that include a lethal weapon, the children are released on to an island where only one of them will emerge the victor.

As controversial as it is fascinating, this adaptation of the notorious novel explores humanity’s animalistic tendencies through the means of children, garnering disturbing results.

Despite all of the carnage, however, this blood sport isn't as grisly as the battle to get into a decent college.

He's Bringing his Eh Game. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Returning to Deform. He’s the…

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Week of August 10, 2012

Defecting is the most popular Olympic event. First up…

The Lorax

Thankfully, my lorax was removed when I was a child so there’s no chance of my neck exploding.

Oops! This isn’t a movie about that volatile organ in the human throat but an animated feature regarding a numinous creature.

Set in a self-contained community littered with artificial foliage, a young denizen (Zac Efron) sets out to find a real tree to impress a girl (Taylor Swift) he has a crush on.

On the counsel of his grandmother (Betty White) he seeks out a hermit (Ed Helms) beyond Thneed-Ville’s fortified walls.

According to legend, this solitudinarian knows the truth about the trees, and their magical protector: The Lorax (Danny DeVito).

Based on the book by Dr. Seuss, The Lorax lacks its author’s eccentric exuberance. Instead, it festers with corporate-hating eco-doctrine set to a puerile soundtrack.

Incidentally, as far as the absent tree situation goes, the town’s beaver infestation could be responsible.  0

LOL

The best part of texting while walking is the protective bubble it creates around you, staving off danger.

LOL! This dramedy isn’t about distracted pedestrians surviving collisions with LRT, but the tribulations of the e-generation.

Lola (Miley Cyrus) is a contemporary teenager. She communicates via characters and has a super cute BF (George Finn).

But when he cheats on her, she hooks up with his friend (Douglas Booth), who is lusted after by Lola’s nemesis (Ashley Greene).

Meanwhile, Lola’s single-mother (Demi Moore) finds her diary and decides to cancel her class trip to Paris. All the while juggling her ex (Thomas Jane) and her younger crush (Jay Hernandez).

Though it attempts to be a comedic commentary on today’s parent/child relationships, this American version of a French film is merely a vapid snapshot of this electronic epoch.

On the bright side, Miley Cyrus texting is less annoying than Miley Cyrus talking. 0

***Texting ‘bout My Generation***

Clueless 

The worst part of being a teenager in the 1990s was that absentee parenting was 15 years away.

Fortunately, the spoilt socialite in this comedy is on good terms with her single-father.

When a severely un-hip chick, Tai (Brittany Murphy), transfers to their high school, Cher (Alicia Silverstone) and Dionne (Stacey Dash) attempt to turn the kindhearted new girl into a shallow shopaholic like them.

On the home front, Cher’s father (Dan Hedaya) has taken her ex-stepbrother (Paul Rudd) in, leading to constant bickering between the two.

However, her home life doesn’t stop Cher from using her matchmaking skills to pair Tai with Elton (Jeremy Sisto), who, unfortunately, has a big time crush on Cher.

The quintessential deconstruction of affluent teenagers, this Jane Austin’s Emma inspired coming-of-age tale is a witty and relevant representation of a naive generation.

Incidentally, thanks to Wikipedia, at least today’s young people can feign intelligence.

He's the Inner Voice of a Generation. He's the...

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