The Ragin' Bulldogs

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Witch’s Brewmaster. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of October 27, 2017

Spirits drinking spirits is cannibalism. First up…

 

​

War for the Planet of the Apes

In a society run by apes you can rest assured only evolution will be taught in school.

Still, there are a few humans in this sci-fi/fantasy that favour a creationist curriculum.

When a human militia led by The Colonel (Woody Harrelson) murders his family, the genetically enhanced simian Caesar (Andy Serkis) takes a troop of monkeys (Steve Zahn, Karin Konoval) with him on a mission of revenge.

But Caesar’s vengeance takes a backseat when he must liberate hundreds of his brethren from The Colonel’s primate concentration camp before they are eradicated.

While this heady conclusion to the reimagined Planet of the Apes franchise wears its historical influences on its sleeve, those inspirations make for a dark final act. Nevertheless, the smidgen of action, the endless nods to the original series and the CGI are definitely highpoints.

Furthermore, with monkeys in charge you can rest assured bananas will never become extinct.  Yellow Light

 

Annabelle: Creation

If you want to be taken seriously as a demon do not possess a toy doll that wets itself.

Smartly, the entity in this horror movie has chosen an antique figurine to haunt.

A doll-maker (Anthony LaPaglia) and his disfigured wife (Miranda Otto) open their eerie estate to Sister Charlotte (Stephanie Sigman) and her orphans after they become homeless.

While snooping around the mansion the girls unlock a bedroom belonging to the doll-maker’s dead daughter, Annabelle. Inside they discover a porcelain-faced doll possessed by a creature that now wants to embody one of the waifs (Talitha Bateman). 

Another prosaic possession picture for the junk heap, this prequel to The Conjuring relies solely on jump-scares to generate its screams. In fact, if it weren’t for its repetitive use of dead silence before shrieking violins Annabelle’s origin would be a bedtime story.

Moreover, wouldn’t demons be a lot happier possessing sex dolls? Red Light

​

Personal Shopper

Being a personal shopper means getting the high of the buy with none of the remorse.

However, the only high the buyer in this supernatural thriller wants is a higher plane.  

Chiefly employed as a personal shopper for a Parisian celebrity, Maureen (Kristen Stewart) spends a great deal of her time trying to contact her deceased twin brother who died of the same heart condition she has. When she receives a text from an unknown source she concludes that it came from her dead sibling.

Meanwhile, her boss’ dead body has just been found and Maureen is the police’s prime suspect.

Understated with moments of terror and ethereal cinematography to match Stewart’s aloof performance, this esoteric study on spiritualism slowly pierces the veil in an innocuous yet haunting fashion that makes this ghost story subtly scary.

Mind you, male ghosts haunting clothing stores tend to linger around the change rooms.  Yellow Light

***Prime Mating Season***  

 

​ 

Murders in the Rue Morgue

If apes want to murder humans then they will need to send some monkeys to law school first.      

Nevertheless, the primate in this horror picture plans to tackle our justice system unaided.

When his fiancée Camille (Sidney Fox) is kidnapped and Camille’s mother (Betty Ross Clarke) is found dead clutching a clump of mysterious fur, detective Dupin (Leon Ames) takes the sampling to the morgue for analysis.

Their findings eventually lead Dupin to a Parisian sideshow where he discovers that a deranged scientist (Bela Lugosi) has been conducting experiments that would see him make a hybrid mate for his talking ape, Erik.

Loosely based on Edgar Allan Poe’s short story about an escaped orangutan, this gorilla suit adaptation from 1932 actually improves on Poe’s escaped ape concept by adding Lugosi’s mad scientist character to the mix.

Incidentally, it’s cost effective to send convicted killer apes to zoos instead of prisons.

He’s a Gorilla Suit of Armour. He’s the…

  Vidiot

  

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Insane Asylum Seeker. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of October 20, 2017

Halloween is how crazy people see the world year-round. First up…

​

Spider-Man: Homecoming

If excreting sticky fluid from your body makes you Spider-Man than every teenage male is a web-slinger.

Luckily, the enhanced adolescent in this action-fantasy has other amazing attributes.

Under the mentorship of Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) since his Avengers stint, upstart superhero Peter Parker (Tom Holland) now has the costume and technology to really make his alter ego Spider-Man stick.

                                                                                        

Unfortunately, while the new gadgets aid in his battle against a winged arms dealer (Michael Keaton), his flashy threads cannot help him navigate the pitfalls of high school. In fact, they complicate it more.

A heartfelt and funny take on the tiresome web-head, Marvel’s first cinematic crack at their own mascot not only breathes new life into the wise-cracking wall-crawling but also raises the bar with superior performances, a cohesive script and spectacular CGI.

Incidentally, any adult super-villain who hits the underage Spider-Man can be arrested for child abuse.  Green Light

 

Girls Trip

When it’s only women travelling it’s important to book a second airplane for their luggage.

Mind you, the females in this comedy promised to keep it to a carry-on.

Lifestyle expert Ryan (Regina Hall) invites her estranged friends – party girl Dina (Tiffany Haddish), single mom Lisa (Jada Pinkett Smith) and celebrity blogger Sasha (Queen Latifah) – to join her in New Orleans where she is speaking at the Essence Music Festival.

But the Big Easy gets complicated when Ryan’s husband (Mike Colter) is caught cheating and Sasha needs to report it or lose her job. Meanwhile Lisa struggles with sex after divorce.

A raunchy road trip that revels in penis jokes, this African-American contribution to the female gross-out genre is genuinely funny. While it doesn’t stray from the formula, the juvenile antics undertaken are accentuated by great performances.

Furthermore, it shows women that no matter your race: men are still pigs.  Green Light

 

​

Landline

Cheating on your spouse in the 1990s was more acceptable because the President was doing it.

However, according to this comedy it didn’t make it any less upsetting on the children.

While twenty-something-year-old Dana (Jenny Slate) is cheating on her fiancé (Jay Duplass) with her ex (Finn Wittrock), she learns from her teenage sister Ali (Abby Quinn) that their father (John Turturro) has been having an affair on their mother (Edie Falco).

This bombshell not only helps to reconnect the estranged siblings, but also forces Dana to confront her own infidelity and for Ali to face her growing drug addiction.

While it’s enjoyable to relive the nineties, there is little else to enjoy about this run-of-the-mill period piece. With a derivative narrative about a New York affair, flat punch lines and unlikeable leads, Landline is best left disconnected.

Besides, who needed to cheat in the 1990s when landlines offered 3-way?  Red Light

***Fly Paperboy***

 

The Fly II

The worst insect you genes can be spliced with would be one that loves feces.

And while the adolescent in this horror movie isn’t part dung beetle, he is half housefly.

Raised in a government laboratory ever since he first emerged from a larval pouch five years ago, Martin (Eric Stoltz) now appears to be a full-grown adult. On his 5thbirthday, he learns his inventor father (Jeff Goldblum) died after a teleportation experiment fused his DNA with that of a fly’s.

As Martin repairs his old man’s telepods he too begins to mutate into an acid-spewing insect.

A direct sequel to David Cronenberg’s 1986 reimagining of the 1958 original, this 1989 follow-up does not retain its visionary director but it does manage to amplify the gore. In fact, this underrated addition has a number of unforgettable death scenes.

Incidentally, human-fly hybrids never get invented to parties where there's uncovered food.

He’s a Haunted House Fly. He’s the…

  Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Break Danse Macabre. He’s the...

Vidiot

Week of October 13, 2017

Haunted House sound machines help monsters sleep. First up...

 

Baby Driver

It’s important to have a good wheelman because the bus is not a reliable getaway vehicle.

Smartly, the kingpin in this action-comedy hired the best steersman around.

Indebted to Doc (Kevin Spacey) for some serious dough, audiophile Baby (Ansel Elgort) pays it back being a lead foot for an array of heists. Paired with a motley crew of cons (Jamie Foxx, Jon Hamm, Jon Bernthal, Flea), he endures their eccentricities up until one of them kills an innocent bystander.

Now all Baby wants to do is hightail it out of town with his new girlfriend (Lily James).

A frenetically paced chase movie with an accomplished cast, stylish direction from Edgar Wright and a scintillating soundtrack that elevates the experience, this cool caper combines old and new elements from the high-pursuit genre to create something wholly original and entertaining. 

Unfortunately, in the future self-driving getaway cars will drive you right to jail.  Green Light

 

​

The House

The upside to running a home casino is having Brittany Spears sue you for breach of contract.

The entrepreneurs in this comedy, however, settle all matters out of court.

When the town scholarship they were relying on for their daughter’s education falls through, Scott (Will Ferrell) and Kate (Amy Poehler) have no choice but to turn their friend’s foreclosed home into an illegal gambling den for their neighbours’ enjoyment.

Starting off small, things quickly snowball as their clientele increases and their illicit establishment begins to encroach on a local crime boss (Jeremy Renner). 

While it finds both comedic leads playing familiar parts, for some reason their over-the-top antics actually work in the confines of this oddball farce.

Nothing more than an amalgamation of contemporary frat comedies, The House’s saving grace is its generic yet humorous punchlines.

Incidentally, the easiest way to retain your gaming license is to become Native American.  Yellow Light 

 

​

The Beguiled

Thanks to President Trump, Civil War reenactors can apply their skills in the real world

Mind you, this drama takes place during the first North/South skirmish.

While scouring the woods for mushrooms a student from a nearby girls’ school stumbles upon an injured Union soldier, Corporal McBurney (Colin Farrell), and invites him back with her.

The headmistress (Nicole Kidman) tends to McBurney’s wounds, while her faculty (Kirsten Dunst) and students (Elle Fanning) swoon over him.

Their affections intensify when he is on the mend, so he flirts with all of them as gratitude, unaware of each woman’s jealousies.

Sofia Coppola’s sluggish adaptation of the Clint Eastwood gothic western told from the female character’s perspective, this reinterpretation doesn’t do modern women any favours, reducing its leads to vengeful jezebels. While the ending is rewarding, the road there is rocky. 

Furthermore, the women weren’t responsible for saving the soldier, medical leeches were.  Red Light 

***Hallowheelies***

 

​

Ghost of Dragstrip Hollow

The worst part of haunting the highway is all the distracted drivers crowding your curve.

Fortunately, this horror-comedy occurs when drag racing produced the most road ghosts. 

When a gang of teenage hot rodders are evicted from their soda shop hangout and forced to find new digs, lead foot member Lois (Jody Fair) volunteers her rich aunt’s (Dorothy Neumann) estate as their new clubhouse.

Her aunt agrees only if they evict the ghost haunting it. To exercise it, they hold a rocking costume party that culminates in a girl-on-girl drag race to the death.

A sequel to 1958’s Hot Rod Gang, this Halloween themed follow-up released a year later is light on actual drag races - and is missing the rockabilly interludes that made the original really swing - but what it does have is twice the zaniness.

Luckily, most people who become ghosts nowadays have serving and DJing skills.

He’s a Haunted House Music DJ. He’s the…

  Vidiot