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He’s a Charity Case Worker. He’s the…

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Week of June 1, 2012

Don’t jump – until I move my car. First up…

Man on a Ledge

Typically, when a man’s on the ledge it means that his attempt at becoming a real life Spider-Man has failed, and someone should call his mommy.

Fortunately, the man on the edifice’s outer ridge in this thriller isn’t wearing a homemade costume.

Escaping from police custody, while attending his father’s funeral, cop-turned-con Nick (Sam Worthington) checks into a hotel and steps out onto the structure’s outer shelf.

After attracting both a crowd and police presence (Edward Burns, Titus Welliver), Nick demands to speak with an infamous negotiator (Elizabeth Banks).

Across the street, Nick’s brother (Jamie Bell) burglarizes a vault belonging to a businessman (Ed Harris) who has proof of Nick’s innocence in his possession.

While the story is more engaging than expected, the cardboard acting and stale plot twists are encouraged to jump.

Incidentally when leaping from a tall building, please try to land in, or around, a trash receptacle.  0

Gone

After escaping from a serial killer, the first thing you should do is consult with your local gunsmith.

Unfortunately, the survivor in this thriller went to her local police instead.

Freed from captivity in the woods, where her kidnapper had kept her, Jill (Amanda Seyfried) contacts the authorities.

But when the cops don’t locate the hole where she was allegedly confined, and learn of Jill’s previous mental issues, they surmise that she made everything up.

A year later, Jill’s sister disappears. Assuming the serial killer has returned, she contacts police, who dismiss her yet again.

Fed up, Jill pursues the clues herself and lands some leads. But when police learn that she’s armed, Jill becomes the criminal.

Imbued with absolute implausibility, third-rate acting and a shoddy script, Gone’s intensity is constantly undermined.

Besides, when you’re stranded down a hole in the woods, an incontinent hiker is bound to find you.  0

Goon

Playing hockey is the only time that a Canadian will knock someone over and not apologize.

And while the stick-handlers in this comedy aren’t Canucks, don’t expect much kindness from them either.

When Doug (Seann William Scott), a hardheaded bouncer from Boston, is caught on camera beating up a hockey player, who his friend (Jay Baruchel) was trash talking, he becomes an instant hit.

Offered the position of enforcer on his local team, Doug succeeds at pounding on the opposition when beckoned by his coach (Nicholas Campbell).

Soon enough he’s called up to the minors to protect a fledging forward (Marc-André Grondin) who’s been targeted by a veteran goon (Liev Schreiber).

Chockfull of hilarious hockey player stereotypes, this two-fisted underdog tale transcends comparisons to other hockey films, and shines solely on its own comedic merits.

Now, if they’d only shine a light on hockey’s other unsung hero: the back-up goaltender.  0

*** Play-Offed***

Sudden Death

Canadians are so vehement about hockey that no matter if their team wins or loses, they will still riot in the streets.

Fortunately, the Canadian firefighter in this action movie is on-hand to extinguish overturned police cruises.

Unable to perform his firefighting duties, a disgraced fireman, Darren (Jean Claude Van Damme), takes a fire marshal position with the Pittsburgh Civic Arena.

On the same night his children are attending Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, however, so too is a terrorist (Powers Boothe), who has just taken the place hostage.

With the arena rigged to go off at the end of the game, Darren must now send the game into overtime before he can defuse the bombs.

A forgotten gem from the rogue-hostage genre, Sudden Death’s greatness lines in its sublime lunacy.

I mean, why would anyone want to blow up a hockey arena if Don Cherry wasn’t inside?

He’s High Shticking. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Da Bomb Defuser. He’s the…

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Week of May 25, 2012

Who wants the spoils of love? First up…

This Means War

When CIA agents say that they are seeing the same woman, it’s usually a prostitute they’re talking about.

However, in the case of the action-romance, the object of both of their affections is actually a non-working workingwoman.

Looking for a life-mate after accepting a sedentary position with the agency, sentimental Tuck (Tom Hardy) posts his profile online.

Elsewhere, Lauren’s (Reese Witherspoon) friend (Chelsea Handler) signs her up on the same site, and the two agree to meet.

On her way home after the somewhat successful rendezvous, Lauren meets FDR (Chris Pine), Tuck’s skirt-chasing partner.

Torn, Lauren decides to date both men, unaware that an old enemy of Tuck and FDR’s is out for revenge.

While the action’s tepid and the subplot mislaid, This Means War does land some laughs.

However, most times when a woman pits two men against each other, it’s the men who end up falling in love.  0

The Woman in Black

It makes sense for the Grim Reaper to be female: the black robe is flattering; the clientele is predominantly male; and you’re supermodel thin.

And though the drably dressed apparition in this horror movie isn’t death personified, she is taking lives.

Assigned to the countryside to deal with the estate of a deceased client, a lawyer, Arthur (Daniel Radcliffe), comes face-to-face with terror.

While working at the family manor, Arthur is vexed by the vile visage of a feminine specter that’s reputed to appear before a child dies by its own hands.

Soon enough, her appearance begets the death of a local girl, inspiring Arthur and a curious landowner (Ciarán Hinds) to investigate past occurrences.

Ominous, with an unconventional ending, this gothic horror opts to induce goose bumps instead of gag-reflexes.

Incidentally, with Arthur’s legal aid, the dead kids could mount a class action lawsuit against the woman in black.    0

Red Tails

It’s surprising that when African-Americans were allowed to fly fighter planes during WWII that the pilots didn’t just go attack the South.

But, instead of seeking revenge against their oppressive nation, the African-Americans in this action movie decided to defend it.

Up until 1944, Tuskegee Airmen, an experimental all-black fighter squadron, were only permitted to fly missions of low importance.  

After proving themselves, the regiment (Tristan Wilds, David Oyelowo, Elijah Kelley, Nate Parker) finally gets to the frontlines.

Mentored by Major Stance (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) and Col. Bullard (Terrence Howard), the flyboys make their benefactors proud flying secret security detail.

But soon the team’s personal problems begin to weigh them down.

While the aerial work is impressive, the dogfights aren’t enough to keep this poorly acted, historically inaccurate, discourteous farce aloft.

And just because the US Army allowed African-Americans to pilot planes doesn’t mean they permitted them to have parachutes.  0

***Death-tination***

Always

The worst thing about dying on a plane is that your last meal is an infinitesimal amount of complimentary pretzels and your choice of coffee, tea or juice.

Unfortunately, the fire-bomber pilot in this drama didn’t have enough time to decide his beverage before crashing.

While on his last dump of fire retardant, pilot Pete’s (Richard Dreyfuss) plane explodes mid-air.

Waking in the company of heavenly hairdresser (Audrey Hepburn), Pete is told of his afterlife’s purpose: to inspire a new pilot (Brad Johnson).

But when the rookie takes a shine to his widow (Holly Hunter), Pete persuades the newbie to volunteer for a dangerous mission in hopes he fails.

While Steven Spielberg’s remake of A Guy Named Joe, lacks the director’s grandiose style, it does contain heaps of his schmaltziness.

Besides, when you die in a plane crash you don’t go to heaven, you go into the survivors' intestinal tracks.

He's a Co-dependent Pilot. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Seniority Citizen. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 18, 2012

Baby-boomers will doom us all. First up…

The Grey

Oh great, another PSA about the impending apocalypse resulting from aging baby-boomers’ strain on healthcare.

Oh wait this thriller doesn’t involve conscripting geriatric nurses; but it does have an old man in it.

When their plane crashes in the wilderness, a group of Alaskan oil riggers (Dermot Mulroney, James Badge Dale, Frank Grillo, Joe Anderson, Nonso Anozie, Dallas Roberts) must depend on John (Liam Neeson), a hunter hired to protect their work camp from wolves, to keep them alive.

Leading them to shelter  and tending to the injured, John establishes himself as their leader. But those in his group not only begin questioning John’s alpha dog status, but so too does a horde of hungry wolves.

A macho, emotional man vs. nature nail-biter, The Grey is as much a study of manhood as it is a two-fisted tale of survival.

Incidentally, it’s only natural that wolves would attack rig pigs.  0

One for the Money

The best thing about being apprehended by a female bail bondsperson is that your neighbors will finally see a woman coming over to your house.

Unfortunately, for the wanted man in this rom-com his bounty huntress is a former conquest.

Unemployed and unsatisfied, Stephanie (Katherine Heigl) asks her cousin Vinnie (Patrick Fischler) for a job at his bail bonds company.

Against his better judgement, Vinnie hires the inexperienced Stephanie to be a skip tracer.

He soon regrets it when she pesters him to be allowed to pursue Joe Morelli (Jason O'Mara), an ex-cop wanted for murder, and her old high school flame.

Instead of cuffing her mark, however, Stephanie opts to help him solve the crime he is accused of.

Based on the popular book, One for the Money is a hapless concoction of rom-com clichés and slothful sleuthing.

Besides, women are only into bounty hunting for the fashionable dusters.  0  

The Devil Inside  

The best thing to do if you have an evil spirit inhabiting your body is to get a priest to bless your morning douche.

Unfortunately, the female sufferer in this horror movie chose to go with dispossession instead.

Twenty years after her mother murdered three people during a religious ritual to remove a residing demon from her body, her daughter, Isabella (Fernanda Andrade) travels to Rome, where her mother is imprisoned, to interview her for an exorcism documentary.

In Italy, she and her cameraman connect with two priests who take them to witness a real exorcism.

During the ceremony, the possessed patient mounts a verbal assault against Isabella that suggests a personal connection to her, and her imbalanced mother.

A ham-fisted, handheld horror, The Devil Inside treads familiar demonic territory with abysmal and amateurish results.

Furthermore, to rid Rome of its incessant demon possession you must first exorcise the Vatican.  0

Chronicle

The most unrealistic thing about super heroism is that a human with extraordinary powers would don a disguise and avoid publicity.

Fortunately, the superpowered friends in this sci-fi movie are keeping a video diary of their impossible exploits.

When Andrew (Dane DeHaan), a loser who’s taken enough abuse in school and in the home, begins documenting his meager existence, it sudden becomes not so meager.

When he and his cousin (Alex Russell), begin chronicling the eerie sounds emanating from an excavation, the star-football player (Michael B. Jordan) encourages them to investigate.

Inside they uncover a radiant rock that bathes them in an unearthly glow that imbues them with psychokinesis and the power of flight.

An ultra realistic take on superpowers, Chronicle is an ingenious and freighting account of unchecked ability.

Incidentally, the first thing that one should do after becoming a super-hero is to sell their film rights to Hollywood.  0

***Man inverses Nature***

The Edge

When stranded in the woods, it’s a good idea to throw used tampons into the shrubs to keep bears off your trail.

Unfortunately, the marooned men in this thriller are fresh out of soiled feminine napkins.

When Charles (Anthony Hopkins) crash lands in the wilderness along side Bob (Alec Baldwin), a man he suspects is having an affair with his wife (Elle MacPherson) and plotting his murder, he must resist the urge to beat him to the punch, because there are more pressing matters.

Dwarfing the awkward company and harsh surroundings is a ravenous bear that’s trailing them.

Putting aside their personal matters, Charles and Bob combine their abilities to combat the Kodiak.

Written by David Mamet, The Edge is a taunt tale of male bonding amongst bear attacks. The acting is proficient and the dialogue acute.

However, aren’t grizzlies more apt to attack burly men in tattered clothes?  

He’s a Black Punther. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Offsetting the Table. He’s the…

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Week of May 11, 2012

You must be committed to be committed. First up…

The Vow

For brides, a destination wedding means saying their vows on a beach. For guests, it means plane tickets, room, board, transportation, gratuity, and a wedding gift.

Fortunately, you won’t lose vacation days attending the nuptials of the low-rent couple in this romance.

Suffering from memory loss after being ejected through her car’s windshield, Paige (Rachel McAdams) struggles to adjust to her former bohemian lifestyle with Leo (Channing Tatum), a man claiming to be her husband.

Overwhelmed, Paige retreats to her estranged parents (Sam Neill, Jessica Lange). Immersed in the affluent lifestyle, Paige returns to a familiar face (Scott Speedman).

Meanwhile, Leo waits for her to recall her reasons for fleeing in the first place.

Though it has a capable cast, this true story avoids realism and, instead, becomes a Nicholas Sparks-esque melodrama.

Besides, the best thing about your wife losing her memory is that she won’t remember that you’re divorced. 0

Underworld: Awakening

The reason there are no wealthy werewolves is because being born with a silver spoon in their mouth would kill them.

However, it appears as though something entirely human has exterminated the lycanthropes in this action movie.

Awoken in a future depleted of vampires and devoid of lycans, Selene (Kate Beckinsale) is shocked to learn that she not only has a daughter, Eve (India Eisley), but that the lycans have returned, stronger than ever.

The child of the vampiric Selene and the mixed-blood Michael Corvin, Eve possess both species powers. And, it is that attribute that a scientist hopes to extract to create a serum that will allow the lycans immunity towards silver.

Set after the first sequel Underworld: Evolution, Underworld: Awakening forgoes further developing the mythos, and veers directly towards senseless, but stylish, fisticuffs.

Incidentally, immunity towards silver means second-place werewolf athletes won’t explode on the Olympic podium anymore.  0

Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie

For a movie that cost one billion dollars to make its money back, producers would have to hold audience members hostage for a billion dollars.

Fortunately, the irate producers in this comedy have only decided to harm the makers of their financial flop.

Given a billion dollars by Tommy Schlaaang (Robert Loggia) to produce a motion picture of epic proportions, Tim (Tim Heidecker) and Eric (Eric Wareheim) blow it all on luxury items for themselves.

Unable to pay back the money, Tim and Eric take shopping-mall magnate Damien Weebs (Will Ferrell) up on his billion-dollar offer to run his dilapidated mall where a wolf stalks the food court.

A feature-length version of their bizarre 11-minute vignette show, B$M brings Tim and Eric’s surreal safety video feel and oddball ensemble actors to the apex of ironic camp.

As for the best thing about managing a shopping mall: dating all the mannequins.  0

***On The Error***

UHF

The hardest part of running a TV station is finding shows offensive enough to incense viewers into tuning in every week to disparage.

Fortunately, the bulk of Channel 62 programming is odious enough to keep viewers shaking their fists at the screen for hours. 

After his friend Bob (David Bowe) and him, are fired from yet another dead-end job, George (Weird Al Yankovic) finally gets a break when his uncle (Stanley Brock) hires him to run a dilapidated television station that he won in a card game.

Given carte blanche with the channel, George makes some immediate changes, including promoting the secretary (Fran Drescher) to reporter and the janitor (Michael Richards) to children’s show host.

Weird Al’s surreal parody of the visual medium, UHF bends comedy in preposterous ways, with beneficial results.

However, it’s unnerving to be watching TV shows without having advertisements creeping across the bottom of the screen. 

He's an On Air Persona Non Grata. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a High Maintenance Man. He’s the…

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Week of May 4, 2012

Eyebrows won’t paint themselves on. First up…

New Year’s Eve

Commencing a resolution on the same day as your worst hangover isn’t very prudent.

Unfortunately, the acquaintances in this rom-com revolving around the revelry aren’t so sagacious.

An innocuous New Year’s Eve becomes a life-altering event when numerous New Yorker’s are faced with year-end emotional drama.

Kim (Sarah Jessica Parker) battles her daughter’s (Abigail Breslin) independence. Kim’s brother Paul (Zac Efron) helps an older woman (Michelle Pfeiffer).

Paul’s friend (Ashton Kutcher) gets stuck in an elevator with a singer (Lea Michele) on her way to support a musician (Jon Bon Jovi) who has run into his ex (Katherine Heigl).

Elsewhere, a Times Square official (Hilary Swank) races to repair the ball.

An anthology of asinine anecdotes, New Year’s Eve has no worth outside of its endless parade of cameos and cockamamie life-lessons.  

Incidentally, kissing a stranger at midnight is an easy way to break your resolution to not get Mono.  0   

Joyful Noise

The real reason churches have choirs is because the Lord likes looking up the gowns of the female singers.

Whether or not that’s true, it’s not stopping the choristers in this musical from competing in this year’s choral competition.

When the director of the church choir (Kris Kristofferson) passes, his outspoken widow G. G. Sparrow (Dolly Parton) hopes to head up the group.

But her desires to lead the group to victory at the Joyful Noise contest are dissuaded by the hardnosed Vi (Queen Latifah), who adheres to a strict Gospel only code.

But Vi’s conventionality is threatened when G.G.’s grandson and Vi’s autistic son begin introducing modern arrangements, as well as dance moves, into the group’s routine.

Seething with syrupy songs about salvation, and contrived characters created to garner an emotional response, Joyful Noise is grating.

Besides, if God wanted chorale music modernized he would have remixed it himself.  0

Haywire

Being a female agent means you get paid less than your male counterparts, even though you always have to go undercover as prostitutes.

However, the femme fatale in this action movie isn’t feuding with her superiors over wages.

Hire out by her boss (Ewan McGregor) to retrieve a journalist imprisoned in Barcelona, Mallory (Gina Carano) executes her job with ease.

Later, however, she is famed for the journalist’s death. With no options, she goes after the men who hired her: a government official (Michael Douglas) and a Spanish emissary (Antonio Banderas).

Along the way, she also uncovers evidence alluding to her own agency’s involvement.

Despite its leads inability to act, she can certainly deliver brutal beatings. And supporting that break-neck action is a semi-decent tale of deceit. 

However, the best way for an agency to prevent a patsy from retaliating is to revoke their covert-ops discount at the gun store.  0

***New Year’s Events***

200 Cigarettes

The best way to quit smoking is to replace cigarettes with food. Conversely, the best way to lose weight is to replace food with cigarettes.

Fortunately, the acquaintances in this ensemble comedy are more apt to resolve to have better relationships this year.

On the last day of 1981, Monica (Martha Plimpton) agonizes over the attendance record of her New Year’s Eve party.

Elsewhere, two teens from Long Island (Gaby Hoffmann, Christina Ricci) navigate the streets of New York, while two opposites (Kate Hudson, Jay Mohr) embark on an uncomfortable first date.

Across town, life-long friends (Courtney Love, Paul Rudd) confront their sexual tension. And chaperoning the couples around is a sage and sedate cabbie (Dave Chappelle).

An amorous anthology of quirky couples dealing with riotous relationship woes, 200 Cigarettes assembles a talented cast to supply the absurdity.

Besides, January 31 isn’t about unfulfilled expectations; it’s about dispelling end-of-world prophecies.

He's a Doomsday Profiteer. He's the...

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