Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Offsetting the Table. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 11, 2012

You must be committed to be committed. First up…

The Vow

For brides, a destination wedding means saying their vows on a beach. For guests, it means plane tickets, room, board, transportation, gratuity, and a wedding gift.

Fortunately, you won’t lose vacation days attending the nuptials of the low-rent couple in this romance.

Suffering from memory loss after being ejected through her car’s windshield, Paige (Rachel McAdams) struggles to adjust to her former bohemian lifestyle with Leo (Channing Tatum), a man claiming to be her husband.

Overwhelmed, Paige retreats to her estranged parents (Sam Neill, Jessica Lange). Immersed in the affluent lifestyle, Paige returns to a familiar face (Scott Speedman).

Meanwhile, Leo waits for her to recall her reasons for fleeing in the first place.

Though it has a capable cast, this true story avoids realism and, instead, becomes a Nicholas Sparks-esque melodrama.

Besides, the best thing about your wife losing her memory is that she won’t remember that you’re divorced. 0

Underworld: Awakening

The reason there are no wealthy werewolves is because being born with a silver spoon in their mouth would kill them.

However, it appears as though something entirely human has exterminated the lycanthropes in this action movie.

Awoken in a future depleted of vampires and devoid of lycans, Selene (Kate Beckinsale) is shocked to learn that she not only has a daughter, Eve (India Eisley), but that the lycans have returned, stronger than ever.

The child of the vampiric Selene and the mixed-blood Michael Corvin, Eve possess both species powers. And, it is that attribute that a scientist hopes to extract to create a serum that will allow the lycans immunity towards silver.

Set after the first sequel Underworld: Evolution, Underworld: Awakening forgoes further developing the mythos, and veers directly towards senseless, but stylish, fisticuffs.

Incidentally, immunity towards silver means second-place werewolf athletes won’t explode on the Olympic podium anymore.  0

Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie

For a movie that cost one billion dollars to make its money back, producers would have to hold audience members hostage for a billion dollars.

Fortunately, the irate producers in this comedy have only decided to harm the makers of their financial flop.

Given a billion dollars by Tommy Schlaaang (Robert Loggia) to produce a motion picture of epic proportions, Tim (Tim Heidecker) and Eric (Eric Wareheim) blow it all on luxury items for themselves.

Unable to pay back the money, Tim and Eric take shopping-mall magnate Damien Weebs (Will Ferrell) up on his billion-dollar offer to run his dilapidated mall where a wolf stalks the food court.

A feature-length version of their bizarre 11-minute vignette show, B$M brings Tim and Eric’s surreal safety video feel and oddball ensemble actors to the apex of ironic camp.

As for the best thing about managing a shopping mall: dating all the mannequins.  0

***On The Error***

UHF

The hardest part of running a TV station is finding shows offensive enough to incense viewers into tuning in every week to disparage.

Fortunately, the bulk of Channel 62 programming is odious enough to keep viewers shaking their fists at the screen for hours. 

After his friend Bob (David Bowe) and him, are fired from yet another dead-end job, George (Weird Al Yankovic) finally gets a break when his uncle (Stanley Brock) hires him to run a dilapidated television station that he won in a card game.

Given carte blanche with the channel, George makes some immediate changes, including promoting the secretary (Fran Drescher) to reporter and the janitor (Michael Richards) to children’s show host.

Weird Al’s surreal parody of the visual medium, UHF bends comedy in preposterous ways, with beneficial results.

However, it’s unnerving to be watching TV shows without having advertisements creeping across the bottom of the screen. 

He's an On Air Persona Non Grata. He's the...

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