Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Charity Case Worker. He’s the…

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Week of June 1, 2012

Don’t jump – until I move my car. First up…

Man on a Ledge

Typically, when a man’s on the ledge it means that his attempt at becoming a real life Spider-Man has failed, and someone should call his mommy.

Fortunately, the man on the edifice’s outer ridge in this thriller isn’t wearing a homemade costume.

Escaping from police custody, while attending his father’s funeral, cop-turned-con Nick (Sam Worthington) checks into a hotel and steps out onto the structure’s outer shelf.

After attracting both a crowd and police presence (Edward Burns, Titus Welliver), Nick demands to speak with an infamous negotiator (Elizabeth Banks).

Across the street, Nick’s brother (Jamie Bell) burglarizes a vault belonging to a businessman (Ed Harris) who has proof of Nick’s innocence in his possession.

While the story is more engaging than expected, the cardboard acting and stale plot twists are encouraged to jump.

Incidentally when leaping from a tall building, please try to land in, or around, a trash receptacle.  0

Gone

After escaping from a serial killer, the first thing you should do is consult with your local gunsmith.

Unfortunately, the survivor in this thriller went to her local police instead.

Freed from captivity in the woods, where her kidnapper had kept her, Jill (Amanda Seyfried) contacts the authorities.

But when the cops don’t locate the hole where she was allegedly confined, and learn of Jill’s previous mental issues, they surmise that she made everything up.

A year later, Jill’s sister disappears. Assuming the serial killer has returned, she contacts police, who dismiss her yet again.

Fed up, Jill pursues the clues herself and lands some leads. But when police learn that she’s armed, Jill becomes the criminal.

Imbued with absolute implausibility, third-rate acting and a shoddy script, Gone’s intensity is constantly undermined.

Besides, when you’re stranded down a hole in the woods, an incontinent hiker is bound to find you.  0

Goon

Playing hockey is the only time that a Canadian will knock someone over and not apologize.

And while the stick-handlers in this comedy aren’t Canucks, don’t expect much kindness from them either.

When Doug (Seann William Scott), a hardheaded bouncer from Boston, is caught on camera beating up a hockey player, who his friend (Jay Baruchel) was trash talking, he becomes an instant hit.

Offered the position of enforcer on his local team, Doug succeeds at pounding on the opposition when beckoned by his coach (Nicholas Campbell).

Soon enough he’s called up to the minors to protect a fledging forward (Marc-André Grondin) who’s been targeted by a veteran goon (Liev Schreiber).

Chockfull of hilarious hockey player stereotypes, this two-fisted underdog tale transcends comparisons to other hockey films, and shines solely on its own comedic merits.

Now, if they’d only shine a light on hockey’s other unsung hero: the back-up goaltender.  0

*** Play-Offed***

Sudden Death

Canadians are so vehement about hockey that no matter if their team wins or loses, they will still riot in the streets.

Fortunately, the Canadian firefighter in this action movie is on-hand to extinguish overturned police cruises.

Unable to perform his firefighting duties, a disgraced fireman, Darren (Jean Claude Van Damme), takes a fire marshal position with the Pittsburgh Civic Arena.

On the same night his children are attending Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, however, so too is a terrorist (Powers Boothe), who has just taken the place hostage.

With the arena rigged to go off at the end of the game, Darren must now send the game into overtime before he can defuse the bombs.

A forgotten gem from the rogue-hostage genre, Sudden Death’s greatness lines in its sublime lunacy.

I mean, why would anyone want to blow up a hockey arena if Don Cherry wasn’t inside?

He’s High Shticking. He’s the…

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