Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Undead-beat. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of October 28, 2010

Why buy Halloween candy when kids bring it to your door for free? First up…

Sex and The City 2

It is very important for a woman to have girlfriends that are not only caring and compassionate but also wear the same size as her.

Fortunately, besides being fluent in fashion, the four females in this franchise follow-up are also interminable conservationists.

When Samantha (Kim Cattrall), Charlotte (Kristin Davis), Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) and Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) are invited to Abu Dhabi, their Western ways, PDA and abhorrence of Muslim culture lands them in hot water with the locals.

What’s more, an old beau causes Carrie to question her marriage to Mr. Big (Chris Noth).

A scant improvement over its 2008 predecessor, S&TC2 finds the characters returning to their crude confabs; unfortunately, those rude roundtables are interspersed with condemnations on how Muslim women dress.

I mean, come on, how would we feel if four Muslim women came here and started complaining about how we let our daughters dress like sluts?  0

The Girl Who Played With Fire

To be fair, the only time a girl ever plays with fire is when she’s firebombing her cheating ex-boyfriend’s vehicle.

And while the girl in this mystery isn’t exacting revenge on an old flame, she is lighting a fire under someone’s ass.

When computer hacker Lisbeth (Noomi Rapace) is accused of murdering a journalist covering a sex trafficking story, she finds herself eluding authorities and a cicatrized face from her past.

Coming to her aid is her old lover Blomkvist (Michael Nyqvist), a colleague of the deceased, who not only wants to help Lisbeth but also finish his associate’s investigation.

The sequel to The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played With Fire is as thrilling and unsettling as its predecessor.

Despite the fact that Lisbeth and Blomkvist’s relationship is hardly mentioned, much is revealed about the formers' traumatic upbringing.

Besides, hackers aren’t the ones killing journalists…bloggers are.  0

Winter’s Bone

Typically, teenagers don’t notice that their father is missing until the day they decide to move out of their mother’s house and live with him.

Fortunately, the daughter of the mislaid man in this chilling whodunit notices immediately.

When her meth-cook father disappears, Ree (Jennifer Lawrence) is left to fend for her younger siblings and bedridden mother. But with no source of income and a lean against the house, she desperately needs to find him, or at least his body.

Unfortunately, her hayseed uncle (John Hawkes) and local drug dealers don’t take kindly to her nosy questions and persistent attitude.

While it starts off sluggish, once this mercurial movie gets rolling it really comes alive with some strong performances and audacious acts of disfigurement.

And while searching for your missing Pa is commendable, as a teen, wouldn’t it be more appropriate to throw a killer house party in his absence?  0

***Harpies Simplex***

The Craft

The reason older women are so interested in witchcraft is because it allows them the opportunity to cast spells that can cause impotency in their ex-husbands.

Fortunately, the four female practitioners of black magic in this hokey horror movie aren’t a bunch of weary old witches, but nubile adolescents.

When high school exiles (Robin Tunney, Neve Campbell, Fairuza Balk, Rachel True) experiment with witchcraft they discover that it can enhance their social standings and settle scores with tormenters.

But playing with the occult proves to be hazardous for the girls and soon jealousy, overzealousness and a boy (Skeet Ulrich) comes between them.

A cloudy concoction of teen angst, cattiness and necromancy, The Craft perfectly portrays the power and pitfalls of hocus-pocus from the female perspective.

And while most would be opposed to witches being enrolled in their school, trust me, burning one before a pep rally really raises the kids’ spirits.

He’s a Frightening Rod. He’s the…

Vidiot

 

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Self-Beware. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of October 21, 2010

Get off my intellectual property. First up…

Predators

Finally, Hollywood has made a movie about those who’ve been court-ordered to have their names added to the National Sex Offender Registry.

Oops. Apparently, Predators is actually the third installment in the much-loved space-monster franchise…and not a star vehicle for creepy uncles, high school gym teachers and Internet users.  

When a mercenary (Adrien Brody) wakes up in an unfamiliar jungle amid others of his ilk, including a dubious doctor (Topher Grace), he is apprehensive.

His uneasiness is later justified when it becomes apparent he and the others are being stalked by an alien race of trophy hunters.

The second sequel to the 1987 original, Predators revisits its roots: tropical terrain and a smorgasbord of bullets. Furthermore, it adds clever nuances and innovative creatures to the brand's canon.

And while–yes–hunting humans does sound like lots of fun, but trust me, you’ll regret it once you get the taxidermy bill.  0

***Bad Taste Invaders***

I Come In Peace

The worst thing about being an intergalactic drug dealer is that on Jupiter your gold chains weigh a ton.

Which must be why the planetary pusher in this sci-fi film opted to come to Earth for his narcotic needs.

While investigating a drug cartel, an unruly officer (Dolph Lundgren) stumbles upon a number of suspicious drug-related deaths.

Upon closer examination, he learns the murderer is an alien (Matthias Hues) that extracts human endorphins to sell to extraterrestrial addicts.

Now, it’s up to the defiant detective and his by-the-book partner (Brian Benben) to stop the stupefacient supplier before others of his ilk come looking for profit.

Dripping with mind-numbing dialogue and pulsating with mind-blowing action, I Come In Peace is an awesome amalgam of space adventure and crime-drama.

And while it’s not surprising that drugs are so prevalent, who’d a thought you could get any higher than living in outer space?

He's an Alien Evader. He's the...

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Speaks in Forked Tongues. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of October 14, 2010

Fat lizards need to scale back. First up…

How To Train Your Dragon

Every manager knows the proper way to train a new employee is to have him or her interact with co-workers whilst wearing a nametag that reads: “My name is Trainee”.

Unfortunately, the nametag belonging to the trainee in this animated adventure has melted.

Raised by an autocratic Viking father (Gerard Butler), who doesn’t think he can become a proper dragon slayer, Hiccup (Jay Baruchel) tries desperately to impress him by bringing down an elusive dragon.

Unable to slay the injured beast, Hiccup instead nurses it back to health.

Now, it’s up to the unlikely pair to quell the fire-breathing feud between dragons and Vikings before both species are eradicated.

A rip-roaring ride through the skies, How To Train Your Dragon strikes a nice balance between action and humour.

Furthermore, it offers hope to those less successful dragon trainers out there whose healthcare providers refuse to cover any more skin grafts.  0

Splice

When splicing DNA from two different species it is important to remember to omit any “bad” genes, like obesity, poor eyesight, and watermelon seeds.

And while the genetic engineers in this sci-fi horror remembered to exclude those aforementioned heredities, they forgot to remove the “monster” genes.

Unwilling to rest on their laurels, successful splicers Clive (Adrien Brody) and Elsa (Sarah Polley) take their DNA tampering to the next level by creating a humanoid hybrid.

Keeping their creation concealed from their benefactors, the two raise the rapidly developing amalgam on their own.

But as their offspring evolves into a short-tempered teen with extraordinary attributes, the makeshift mom and dad are left impotent in their progeny’s wake.

A caustic commentary on modern science, Splice effortlessly seams two subversive genres together in a way that is both smart and scary.

Unfortunately, it won’t stop me from opening my designer baby kiosk in the mall.  0

***Dragon Ballsy***      

Pete’s Dragon

From purple elephants to demonic spirits, every child has imaginary friends that no one else but them can see.

So, just because the folks in this live-action/animated feature can’t see Pete’s dragon, doesn’t mean that when it burps it won’t send them to the burn ward.

Fleeing his sadistic foster mother (Shelley Winters), an orphan, Pete (Sean Marshall), and his invisible dragon, Elliot, take refuge with a drunken lighthouse keeper (Mickey Rooney) and his daughter Nora (Helen Reddy).

But when Elliot’s intangible antics elicit unwanted attention from the townsfolk, Pete’s problematic parent comes looking for him.

A whimsical comedy about growing up, Pete’s Dragon can be a tad tacky at times, however, the innocuous musical numbers and the brilliantly belligerent performance from Mickey Rooney makes it worthwhile.

But why would an orphan choose to create an imaginary dragon to play with when they could easily imagine themselves up some parents?

He's Lukewarm-Blooded. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Trend Settler. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of October 7, 2010

Novelty shops never wear off. First up…

The Karate Kid

The worst aspect of being an American kid living in China has to be when you answer texts at work and you get lead paint all over your i-Phone.

Fortunately, the expatriate’s phone in this movie doesn’t work overseas.

When Dre (Jaden Smith) moves to Beijing with his mom (Taraji P. Henson) he suffers at the hand of a wushu wunderkind, who has a crush on his new squeeze (Wen Wen Han).

Humiliated, Dre asks his maintenance man Han (Jackie Chan) to teach him kung fu; however, the discord between the wayward westerner and his melancholic master could cost them the upcoming competition.

With a surprising dramatic performance from Jackie Chan and story elements lifted from the 1984 original and its 1986 sequel, this remake honours its ancestors.

And while Asians may have the advantage over African Americans on the sparring mat, they don’t measure up in the change room.  0

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Finally, Hollywood has decided to address the nightmarish pothole situation on Elm Street.

Oops! Apparently this isn’t a movie about the pockmarked pavement ruining taxpayers’ vehicle suspension, but a dream-based psychopath with a potholed puss.

After witnessing her friend’s suicide, Nancy (Rooney Mara) is plagued by nightmares starring the claw-handed Freddy Krueger (Jackie Earle Haley).

Curious as to his identity, she rummages through her attic and makes a shocking discovery involving her, him, and unspeakable allegations.

Now, she must either face her childhood tormentor in a dreamscape or never sleep again.

While it does modernize Freddy’s crimes and makes him a more earnest antagonist than the 1984 version, A Nightmare on Elm Street, unfortunately, is as humdrum and uninspired as every other unwarranted modern horror remake.

Furthermore, thanks to today's glut of energy drinks, the only time a person ever has to close their eyes is when their heart explodes. 0

Jonah Hex

The American Civil War was not only a tragic time in U.S. history, but it was also a terrible time for men’s facial hair.

Fortunately, the blistering scar tissue on the face of the ex-Confederate soldier in this comic book-based western makes it impossible for him to grow a proper walrus mustache.

Left for dead by his commanding officer Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich), Jonah Hex (Josh Brolin) returns to the living with the ability to speak with the dead.

A bounty hunter by trade, he teams up with a prostitute (Megan Fox) and the U.S. government to stop Turnbull from launching an attack on the Union.

With its running time scantly over 60 minutes, this DC Comics adaptation is an ephemeral experience that negates pacing, character development, and purpose.

Besides, partnering with a cowboy who can communicate with the dead can be really annoying when you’re raiding Indian burial grounds.  0

***Fresh Prince of Bel-Arid***

Wild Wild West

Thanks to the Civil War, African Americans in the South were finally able to live their lives free of persecution…once they reached Canada.

However, according to this movie, those slaves that did not follow the drinking gourd went on to become U.S. government agents.

Former Union soldier, James West (Will Smith) is partnered with U.S. marshal Artemus Gordon (Kevin Kline) on the behest of the government.

Ordered to thwart the nefarious plans of Dr. Loveless (Kenneth Branagh), the polar opposite partners must mend their disconnect if they hope to save President Grant and their love interest (Salma Hayek).

By converting mid-1960s television camp into late-1990s blockbuster crap, this interpretation of the James Bond-inspired western, takes the show’s gadgetry angle and blows it completely out of proportion.

I mean, come on, if they had sophisticated technology in the Old West, could you imagine how advanced today’s spittoons and outhouses would be?

He’s an Affrontiersman. He’s the…

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