Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Trend Settler. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of October 7, 2010

Novelty shops never wear off. First up…

The Karate Kid

The worst aspect of being an American kid living in China has to be when you answer texts at work and you get lead paint all over your i-Phone.

Fortunately, the expatriate’s phone in this movie doesn’t work overseas.

When Dre (Jaden Smith) moves to Beijing with his mom (Taraji P. Henson) he suffers at the hand of a wushu wunderkind, who has a crush on his new squeeze (Wen Wen Han).

Humiliated, Dre asks his maintenance man Han (Jackie Chan) to teach him kung fu; however, the discord between the wayward westerner and his melancholic master could cost them the upcoming competition.

With a surprising dramatic performance from Jackie Chan and story elements lifted from the 1984 original and its 1986 sequel, this remake honours its ancestors.

And while Asians may have the advantage over African Americans on the sparring mat, they don’t measure up in the change room.  0

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Finally, Hollywood has decided to address the nightmarish pothole situation on Elm Street.

Oops! Apparently this isn’t a movie about the pockmarked pavement ruining taxpayers’ vehicle suspension, but a dream-based psychopath with a potholed puss.

After witnessing her friend’s suicide, Nancy (Rooney Mara) is plagued by nightmares starring the claw-handed Freddy Krueger (Jackie Earle Haley).

Curious as to his identity, she rummages through her attic and makes a shocking discovery involving her, him, and unspeakable allegations.

Now, she must either face her childhood tormentor in a dreamscape or never sleep again.

While it does modernize Freddy’s crimes and makes him a more earnest antagonist than the 1984 version, A Nightmare on Elm Street, unfortunately, is as humdrum and uninspired as every other unwarranted modern horror remake.

Furthermore, thanks to today's glut of energy drinks, the only time a person ever has to close their eyes is when their heart explodes. 0

Jonah Hex

The American Civil War was not only a tragic time in U.S. history, but it was also a terrible time for men’s facial hair.

Fortunately, the blistering scar tissue on the face of the ex-Confederate soldier in this comic book-based western makes it impossible for him to grow a proper walrus mustache.

Left for dead by his commanding officer Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich), Jonah Hex (Josh Brolin) returns to the living with the ability to speak with the dead.

A bounty hunter by trade, he teams up with a prostitute (Megan Fox) and the U.S. government to stop Turnbull from launching an attack on the Union.

With its running time scantly over 60 minutes, this DC Comics adaptation is an ephemeral experience that negates pacing, character development, and purpose.

Besides, partnering with a cowboy who can communicate with the dead can be really annoying when you’re raiding Indian burial grounds.  0

***Fresh Prince of Bel-Arid***

Wild Wild West

Thanks to the Civil War, African Americans in the South were finally able to live their lives free of persecution…once they reached Canada.

However, according to this movie, those slaves that did not follow the drinking gourd went on to become U.S. government agents.

Former Union soldier, James West (Will Smith) is partnered with U.S. marshal Artemus Gordon (Kevin Kline) on the behest of the government.

Ordered to thwart the nefarious plans of Dr. Loveless (Kenneth Branagh), the polar opposite partners must mend their disconnect if they hope to save President Grant and their love interest (Salma Hayek).

By converting mid-1960s television camp into late-1990s blockbuster crap, this interpretation of the James Bond-inspired western, takes the show’s gadgetry angle and blows it completely out of proportion.

I mean, come on, if they had sophisticated technology in the Old West, could you imagine how advanced today’s spittoons and outhouses would be?

He’s an Affrontiersman. He’s the…

Vidiot