Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Home School Dropout. He’s the…

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Week of June 29, 2012

The oven is pre-heated and the fridge is pre-med. First up…

21 Jump Street

The best thing about going back to high school as an adult is you can finally hand in that Outsiders book report.

Unfortunately, the mature students in this action/comedy have more pressing matters to attend to.

Thanks to their youthful appearance, bike cops, Greg (Channing Tatum) and Morton (Jonah Hill), are assigned to infiltrate a high school trafficking ring.

Allocated to their former alma mater, the pair find their previous roles reversed in modern hallways: the nerd can hang with the popular dope peddler (Dave Franco), while the jock is annexed to the A/V crowd.  

But with the supplier still hawking noxious narcotics, the partners must mend their now strained friendship.

Based on the television show, this re-imagining is cleverly conceived. The cameos are relative; the action is agreeable; and the jokes are astutely amusing.  

Incidentally, it must’ve been impossible for students to differentiate between undercover cops and school bullies.  0

Wrath of the Titans

Father’s Day must suck when your dad’s a Grecian God: there’s no present you can possibly buy them that they cannot change into.

Thankfully, the paternal eternal in this fantasy cannot take the form of a rescue party.

When worship of the Gods wanes, so does the Gods' power, giving Kronos, the imprisoned father of Zeus (Liam Neeson), Hades (Ralph Fiennes) and Poseidon (Danny Huston), the opportunity to convince his grandson Ares (Edgar Ramirez) to liberate him.

However, Ares’ brother Perseus (Sam Worthington) has embarked on an odyssey with Andromeda (Rosamund Pike) and Agenor (Toby Kebbell) to locate a weapon capable of trouncing Kronos. 

Unfettered from the confines of its re-make predecessor, Wrath is allowed to run rampant over mythology, resulting in bombastic battle scenes but a barebones script. 

Besides, like all father-and-son disputes, couldn’t this just be settled on the front lawn after a long day of hard drinking?  0

Mirror Mirror

The only mirror old people need to stay young is a compact one to snort lines of cocaine off of.

And while the queen in this fantasy isn’t using reflective surfaces to get high, she is using one to rejuvenate.

When the Queen (Julia Roberts) orders her manservant (Nathan Lane) to take her stepdaughter Snow White (Lily Collins), the rightful ruler, to the woods and dispose of her, he releases her unharmed.

Believing the heir to be dead, the Queen plans to secure her kingdom by marrying Prince Alcott (Armie Hammer).

But her pending nuptials may never come to be if Snow and her band of seven tiny bandits have their way.

Based on the fairy tale, Mirror Mirror is a split image: stunning set design on one-side, puerile performances on the other.

Besides, the best way to keep your birthright from your evil stepmother is to marry your brother.  0

***Unfairest of the Them All***

Snow White: A Tale of Terror

The reason Snow White doesn’t translate with todays overweight youth is because eating an apple is such a foreign concept to them.

However, in simpler times, like the one depicted in this horror-fantasy, teens would eat fruit, poison or not.

When she fails to produce a living male heir for her new husband, Lord Fredric (Sam Neill), Lady Claudia (Sigourney Weaver) blames her misfortune on her stepdaughter Lily (Monica Keena).

Encouraged by a youthful reflection of herself in a magical mirror, Claudia orders her brother to escort Lily into the woods and murder her.

But when Claudia learns that Lily is living with a group of misfits instead, she manufactures an apple that will put Lily into a death-like coma.

Adhering to the dark nature of the Brothers Grimm fairy tale, this made-for-television adaptation is faithful and frightening.

Incidentally, thanks to pesticides, today’s youth are completely immune to toxin fruit.

He’s Fruit Standoffish. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Super Model Citizen. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 22, 2012

The crowd has misspoken. First up…

Project X

Spreading the word you’re having a house party by whispering it into someone’s ear is the reason why guests show up with purple washing machines.

Fortunately, the pubescent party-planners in this comedy posted their social gathering on social networks.

When his parents go away for the weekend, his brazen buddy Costa (Oliver Cooper) goads Thomas (Thomas Mann) into throwing himself the ultimate birthday bash.

With preparations left in Costa’s hands, news of the event spreads through their high school hallways and on to a Craigslist posting.

Needles to say, the soirée is inundated with unknown attendees, a police presence and a fired up drug dealer.

Feigning that the slick, slow motion, sound tracked footage was found following the events, Project X proceeds to present unlikable characters in unrealistic situations and claim them to be authentic.

Besides, unaccompanied minors nowadays would rather join a protest riot than throw a house party.  0

Wanderlust

The best thing about commune living is the inhabitants are so weak minded they can easily be converted into devout followers.

Fortunately, the visitors to the cooperative in this comedy aren’t planning on becoming cult leaders.

After losing his job, George (Paul Rudd) and his wife, Linda (Jennifer Aniston), abandon their urban life to live with George’s brother (Ken Marino).

En route, however, they stay at a B&B run by a hippie commune.

Welcomed by the owner (Alan Alda), the head hippie (Justin Theroux) and the free-spirited denizens (Malin Akerman, Joe Lo Truglio, Lauren Ambrose, Jordan Peele), George embraces the experience.

In fact, he and Linda head back to live permanently when life with his brazen brother deteriorates.

With a screwball ensemble cast and a fertile plot for jest, this recession-era caper offers sporadic hilarity.

Furthermore, it’s scientific proof that not all members of the hippie species evolved into yuppies.  0

Jeff, Who Lives at Home

The best part of your adult child living at home is that when you go away for the weekend, they only throw wild dinner parties.

Unfortunately, the stay-at-home son in this dramedy is incapable of even using the oven.

While hanging in his mother’s basement, Jeff (Jason Segel), a 30-year-old armchair philosopher, receives a cryptic phone call imploring him to watch out for the name “Kevin”.

A fervent fan of arbitrary events that culminate in destiny, Jeff diverts from his assigned chore to follow someone named Kevin.

Ultimately, Jeff’s journey affects his family, including his brother’s (Ed Helms) strained marriage to his wife (Judy Greer), and his mother’s (Susan Sarandon) new relationship with an unexpected partner.

Far from formulaic, Jeff is a delicate, benevolent comedy about the affects indiscriminate events have on our lives.

For example: Banning parents from using corporal punishment has resulted in a generation of adult babies.  0

***Summer Campy***

Wet Hot American Summer   

Sending your children to summer camp is great way for them to learn how to survive on their own - which they will have to do when you don’t come back to pick them up.

However, it’s not their parents abandoning them that the kids in this comedy have to worry about, it’s their camp counselors.

During the last weeks of its existence, a Jewish summer camp becomes the scene of a sexual revolution amongst its counselors (Bradley Cooper, Amy Poehler, Paul Rudd, Molly Shannon, Ken Marino, Joe Lo Truglio).

Even the camp director (Janeane Garofalo) isn’t immune, as she lusts after a professor (David Hyde Pierce) trying to prevent the campsite from being decimated by space debris.

A mixed bag of kooky characters, indecent innuendo and soapy subplots, this uproarious parody of summer camp has intrinsic comedic worth.

Most astonishing, however, is learning that Jewish people also celebrate the summer.

He’s a Campfire Fighter. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Two-Toed Sleuth. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 15, 2012

The game is a foot? First up…

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

CSI in the 1800s wasn’t as glamorous as today. Back then, all semen found at the crime scene had to be tested by the detective’s own tongue.

Which explains why the Victorian era England depicted in this action movie only has one super sleuth.

Recovering a letter from a doctor murdered at the behest of Professor Moriarty (Jared Harris), investigator extraordinary Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey, Jr.) and his steadfast sidekick Dr. Watson (Jude Law) follow the clues found in the correspondence to a fortune-teller (Noomi Rapace).

There, they learn that her brother, an anarchist, has been dispatching bombs throughout Paris as part of the professor’s diabolical plot to profit off of a world war.

More focused than its predecessor, Game of Shadows highlights Holmes’ humanity, while continuing on the tradition of slow-motion action sequences and homosexual overtones.

Besides, who would have a better eye for detail than a gay detective?   0

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Even if you had a flaming skull, cars would still cut-off your motorcycle, claiming that they couldn’t see it.

However, if they cut-off the biker in this action movie, they had better have brimstone coverage for their vehicle.

Isolated from the western world, Johnny Blaze (Nicholas Cage) wars with the spirit of vengeance, which seizes control of his body when a crime has been committed. 

Approached by a priest (Idris Elba) promising to reverse this demonic curse, Johnny agrees to help him locate a woman and child before the Devil (Ciarán Hinds) does.

But with the Devil’s new creation Blackout on the child’s trail, Blaze’s alter ego faces an opponent capable of causing rapid decay.

While the violence in this sequel has been amplified, so too, has Cage’s over-the-top portrayal of Marvels Comics’ menacing motorcyclist. 

Besides, if Ghost Rider is like most bikers, he’s just an accountant at heart.  0

***You Win Some, You Dim Sum***

Chinatown

The best part about being a private detective is you get to sleep with your female clients before you have them arrested for murder.

And while the woman who hires the sleuth in this mystery isn’t the criminal, she isn’t being truthful either.

Hired to tail her husband, chief engineer of water and power, who she suspects of cheating, private eye Jake Gittes (Jack Nicholson) does his job in spades.

But when the real Evelyn Mulwray (Faye Dunaway) shows up at his office, and the body of her husband shows up at the morgue, Gittes finds himself in murder mystery involving L.A.’s most precious commodity of the 1930s: water.

With a renowned script, an infamous director, and an unexpected ending, Chinatown’s earned its place at the head of the whodunit genre.

Besides, so long as the suspect is over 6 foot, there should be no trouble finding them in Chinatown.

He’s a Chinatown Councilor. He’s the… 

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Safeword Cracker. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 8, 2012

Universal safeword: Getoffmeyoucrazybitch! First up…

Safe House

At last! A safe home where children cannot fall down stairs, stick their tongues in outlets or get their heads stuck in toilets.

According to this thriller, however, a safe house isn’t the kind of place you’d want to leave a child for the day.

On the run from a hired gun, Vargas (Fares Fares), former CIA agent turned rogue terrorist, Frost (Denzel Washington) seeks asylum at the US consulate in South Africa.

Purported to possess a file containing Intel on the agency, Frost is sent to live with a rookie agent, Weston (Ryan Reynolds), in a safe house.

But when Vargas raids it, Weston must flee with the prisoner. Unfortunately, Frost isn’t so easy to contain.

While the plot is a familiar broth of incriminating documents, it’s the leads relationship and rapid-fire action that keeps Safe House protected.

Incidentally, living in an actually safe is not a safe place.  0 

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

Not knowing what clothes to pack is the worst part of going to a mysterious island.

Thankfully, the island the folks in this action/adventure are heading to is a tropical one.

To bond with his stepson, Sean (Josh Hutcherson), Hank (Dwayne Johnson) lends his decoding skills to a cipher Sean’s received.

Once deduced, they’re left with a map to a secluded islet where Sean’s grandfather (Michael Caine) may still be alive.

Charting a helicopter, the pilot (Luis Guzman) and his daughter (Vanessa Hudgens) fly the stepfather and son to the island.

But when a storm rolls in, the whole group is left stranded on the uncanny island that’s populated by oversized predators.

Based on Jules Verne’s novel, this sequel to Centre of the Earth is a half-ass, effects-laden literary lesson, redeemed only by Caine and Johnson’s banter.

Worst of all, your travel vaccines are completely useless on a mysterious island.  0

John Carter 

The worst part of space travel is that your helmet and oxygen tank count as a carry-on.

Fortunately, the star traveler in this sci-fi movie doesn’t have to fly a commercial shuttle to get to his astral destination.

Accidentally transported to the planet Barsoom, or as he knows it: Mars, Civil War vet John Carter (Taylor Kitsch) finds himself embroiled in another civil war amongst Mars’ Red and Green inhabitants.

However, the warring cities hope for an accord through marriage is dashed when the princess (Lynn Collins) of Helium flees.

Back on Earth, Carter’s nephew Edgar Rice Burroughs (Daryl Sabara) studies his uncle’s personal notes in an attempt to unravel the mystery of his uncle’s apparent death.

Based on Burroughs’ first book in the Barsoom series, John Carter does contain stunning effects. However, its cornball acting is indefensible.

Besides, interplanetary travel in the 1800s was only obtainable through opium inhalation. 0

Act of Valor

A true act of valor is marrying the widow of a dead soldier, raising his children and living off of his insurance policy until it runs out.

According to this action movie, however, it’s a more honorable act to leave your family behind.

A tight knit group of Navy SEALs (unnamed serviceman) is deployed to rescue a CIA agent being held captive in Costa Rica by a drug smuggler Christo (Alex Veadov) with ties to a Muslim terrorist who recently assassinated a US diplomat.

With the SEALs closing in, Christo’s partner puts in place his plan to send suicide bombers to America wearing vests lined with undetectable ceramic pellets.

While the masterfully executed action sequences are commendable, the hollow acting by the real life Marines and the deliberate recruitment propaganda is not.

Besides, the only benefit to military service is the complimentary American flag your spouse receives at your funeral.  0

***The Ming Dynasty***

Flash Gordon

The worst thing about Americans participating in interstellar space travel is that other planets will assume everyone from Earth is an asshole.

Fortunately, the transplanted Yank in this sci-fi film is more honorable than obnoxious.

When Dale Arden (Melody Anderson) and Flash Gordon (Sam J. Jones) are visiting Dr. Zarkov (Topol), a scientist studying strange weather patterns, they are transported to the planet Mungo.

Ruled by Ming the Merciless (Max von Sydow), Flash soon finds himself at odds with the dictator, who is plotting Earth’s demise.

To overthrow the oppressor, Flash aligns himself with the planet’s feuding kingdoms: Prince Barin of Arboria (Timothy Dalton) and Sky City’s Hawkmen.

A 1980s version of Alex Raymond’s 1930 comic strip, this update of the space opera comes equipped with flashy effects, pulp plotlines and a score by Queen.

Besides, what’s more patriotic than convincing two warring factions to oust an autocrat for America’s benefit?

He’s a Canadarm Wrestler. He's the...

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