Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Home School Dropout. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 29, 2012

The oven is pre-heated and the fridge is pre-med. First up…

21 Jump Street

The best thing about going back to high school as an adult is you can finally hand in that Outsiders book report.

Unfortunately, the mature students in this action/comedy have more pressing matters to attend to.

Thanks to their youthful appearance, bike cops, Greg (Channing Tatum) and Morton (Jonah Hill), are assigned to infiltrate a high school trafficking ring.

Allocated to their former alma mater, the pair find their previous roles reversed in modern hallways: the nerd can hang with the popular dope peddler (Dave Franco), while the jock is annexed to the A/V crowd.  

But with the supplier still hawking noxious narcotics, the partners must mend their now strained friendship.

Based on the television show, this re-imagining is cleverly conceived. The cameos are relative; the action is agreeable; and the jokes are astutely amusing.  

Incidentally, it must’ve been impossible for students to differentiate between undercover cops and school bullies.  0

Wrath of the Titans

Father’s Day must suck when your dad’s a Grecian God: there’s no present you can possibly buy them that they cannot change into.

Thankfully, the paternal eternal in this fantasy cannot take the form of a rescue party.

When worship of the Gods wanes, so does the Gods' power, giving Kronos, the imprisoned father of Zeus (Liam Neeson), Hades (Ralph Fiennes) and Poseidon (Danny Huston), the opportunity to convince his grandson Ares (Edgar Ramirez) to liberate him.

However, Ares’ brother Perseus (Sam Worthington) has embarked on an odyssey with Andromeda (Rosamund Pike) and Agenor (Toby Kebbell) to locate a weapon capable of trouncing Kronos. 

Unfettered from the confines of its re-make predecessor, Wrath is allowed to run rampant over mythology, resulting in bombastic battle scenes but a barebones script. 

Besides, like all father-and-son disputes, couldn’t this just be settled on the front lawn after a long day of hard drinking?  0

Mirror Mirror

The only mirror old people need to stay young is a compact one to snort lines of cocaine off of.

And while the queen in this fantasy isn’t using reflective surfaces to get high, she is using one to rejuvenate.

When the Queen (Julia Roberts) orders her manservant (Nathan Lane) to take her stepdaughter Snow White (Lily Collins), the rightful ruler, to the woods and dispose of her, he releases her unharmed.

Believing the heir to be dead, the Queen plans to secure her kingdom by marrying Prince Alcott (Armie Hammer).

But her pending nuptials may never come to be if Snow and her band of seven tiny bandits have their way.

Based on the fairy tale, Mirror Mirror is a split image: stunning set design on one-side, puerile performances on the other.

Besides, the best way to keep your birthright from your evil stepmother is to marry your brother.  0

***Unfairest of the Them All***

Snow White: A Tale of Terror

The reason Snow White doesn’t translate with todays overweight youth is because eating an apple is such a foreign concept to them.

However, in simpler times, like the one depicted in this horror-fantasy, teens would eat fruit, poison or not.

When she fails to produce a living male heir for her new husband, Lord Fredric (Sam Neill), Lady Claudia (Sigourney Weaver) blames her misfortune on her stepdaughter Lily (Monica Keena).

Encouraged by a youthful reflection of herself in a magical mirror, Claudia orders her brother to escort Lily into the woods and murder her.

But when Claudia learns that Lily is living with a group of misfits instead, she manufactures an apple that will put Lily into a death-like coma.

Adhering to the dark nature of the Brothers Grimm fairy tale, this made-for-television adaptation is faithful and frightening.

Incidentally, thanks to pesticides, today’s youth are completely immune to toxin fruit.

He’s Fruit Standoffish. He’s the…

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