Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Bellwether Man. He’s the…

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Nothing says Summer like floods, droughts, forest fires and tornadoes. First up…

The Water Diviner

If you’re looking for water in California this summer be sure to point your divining rod at million-dollar celebrity ranches.

Mind you, the unending search for respite in this drama occurs in post-WWI Australia.

In the wake of his wife’s suicide over the loss of their three sons, outback farmer and water diviner Joshua (Russell Crowe) heads to Turkey to retrieve their bodies from the Battlefield of Gallipoli, so that they can be buried alongside their mother.

With help from a local merchant (Olga Kurylenko) and an Ozzy officer (Jai Courtney), he unravels the mystery surrounding their tragic endings, and discovers more than he was expecting.

More fantasy than fact, first-time director Russell Crowe awkwardly attempts to integrate a May-December romance into actual historical events making for an off-kilter and suspiciously sanguine war story.

Furthermore, the airline is going to charge you an extra $25 for each of those coffins. Red Light

Home

If aliens hope to stay in America undetected they had better not disguise themselves as Mexicans.

Surprisingly, the immigrating ET’s in this animated movie opted for no disguises.

Searching for a home after fleeing their planet due to a conflict with the monstrous Gorg, Captain Smek (Steve Martin), leader of the Boov species, proposes they live on Earth.

Imprisoning the humans, the Boov move into their homes and begin to live their life anew. That is until an absentminded Boov, Oh (Jim Parsons), sends out a party invite that reaches Gorg.

Teaming with a human girl (Rihanna) in search of her mother (Jennifer Lopez), Oh hopes to abate Gorg’s attack and rejoin his race.

While the inarticulate aliens are an annoyance, it’s the rambling montages featuring Rihanna songs that really ruin this middling movie.

Furthermore, all extraterrestrials are welcome on Earth as long as they pay the billion-dollar visitor tax.  Red Light

***Nomad Scientists***

Titan A.E.

If aliens ever blow up Earth at least it’ll make us feel less guilty over poisoning it for centuries.

So the surviving humans in this animated-adventure must sure feel absolved.

Fifteen years after Earth was eradicated by the Drej, a salvage worker on a barrage, Cale (Matt Damon), is accosted by a starship captain (Bill Pullman) who insists the map in Cale’s ring will lead him and his crew (Drew Barrymore, John Leguizamo, Nathan Lane, Janeane Garofalo) to a device Cale’s father invented that can create a new Earth.

But with traitors aboard the Valkyrie, Cale must make sure the planet producing machine’s location is not divulged to the relentless Drej.

First-rate renderings and a roller-coaster script, this underrated Don Bluth directed space-opera introduces viewers to some spectacular worlds and intriguing new life forms.

And while we’re at it why not make a second new Earth just for our garbage.

He’s a Space Caseworker. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He has Low Artificial Intelligence. He’s the…

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Week of July 24, 2015

Being a robot means you don’t have to wear pants. First up…

Ex Machina

All of our advancements in cybernetics have solely been for one purpose: creating sex-bots.

Happily, the reclusive genius in this sci-fi film has come close.

When the CEO of the search engine company he works for selects Caleb (Domhnall Gleeson) to join him in his mountain retreat, the young programmer is apprehensive.

Caleb is welcomed to the compound by the eccentric scientist (Oscar Isaac), who is excited to have him there to conduct a Turing test on the female robot he has made: Ava (Alicia Vikander).

Believing he’s just there to prove the machines A.I. capabilities, Caleb soon learns that his host wants him to prove that Ava is capable of something more than just convincing conversation.

Visually striking and mentally challenging, Ex Machina is an important benchmark in cyborg cinema with thoughtful performances and an engaging script.

Furthermore, when the sex-bots breakdown they can always be repurposed as war-machines.  Green Light

The Longest Ride

Animal rights activists would have a way better time at bull riding competitions if they would just root for the bull to paralyze the rider.

However, the art student in this romantic movie is cheering for the rider’s safety.

Catching the eye of North Carolina coed Sophia (Britt Robertson) when he is tossed from a bull at a local rodeo, Luke (Scott Eastwood) bestows her with his cowboy hat.

The pair later goes on a date. On their way home, they rescue an old man (Alan Alda) from a burning car who turns out to be an art collector with a troubled love story similar to Sophia and Luke’s ill-fated relationship.

Based on Nicholas Sparks’ novel, The Longest Ride is no departure from the lovelorn author’s cinematic schmaltz, thanks to its preposterous ending and ham-fisted acting.  

Incidentally, bull-riders believe lasting for 8 seconds in the bedroom is also an accomplishment.  Red Light

 

The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

The hardest part of running a hotel in India is convincing tourists they won’t be gang raped when they visit.

That said, the hotel operators in this romantic-comedy want to open a second inn.

Determined to open a sister site to their successful sleeping lodge, Muriel (Maggie Smith) and Sonny (Dev Patel) travel stateside to get investors.

Informed an inspector would come to appraise the value of the venture, Muriel and Sonny return to India to prepare for the unknown overseer.

Back home, a mysterious American (Richard Gere) checks into the existing hotel, and begins romancing Sonny’s mother (Lillete Dubey).

Meanwhile, longstanding guests (Judi Dench, Bill Nighy, Penelope Wilton) deal with their own issues.

With too many romantic subplots tied to a flimsy mistaken identity storyline, this second stay at the Exotic Marigold is wholly unsatisfactory. 

  

Fortunately, in lieu of mints, Indian hotels do leave chicken vindaloo on your pillow.  Red Light

***A Stitch-Face in Time***

Frankenstein Unbound

The upside to Frankenstein as your doctor is that 6-months after he diagnoses you as terminal he can bring you back to life.

But as this sci-fi/horror movie encapsulates: resuscitation isn’t always the best option.

Thrust backwards to 1817 via a portal created by a laser he invented to end war, 2031 native Dr. Buchanan (John Hurt) is stunned to meet Victor Frankenstein (Raul Julia), whose nanny is on trial for murdering his brother.

But many villagers, including writer Mary Shelly (Bridget Fonda), feel that the real murderer is the monster living in the nearby woods.

Further investigation discloses that the monster is blackmailing Frankenstein to make him a mate.  

With capable acting, passable special effects and a fascinating premise, schlockmeister Roger Corman tempers his trashy tendencies in order to bring the novel to life.

Incidentally, if the monster is looking for someone as ugly as him there’s always Match.com.

He’s a Frankenstein Hoist. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Dark Horse Whisperer. He’s the…

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Week of July 10, 2015

Coming from behind isn’t only for stranglers. First up…

 

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

The one thing that mall cops can’t protect their employers from is the public’s lack of interest in shopping malls.

Fortunately, the rent-a-cop in this comedy is headed to a less depressing place.

Still reeling from the death of his mother and the disintegration of his marriage, Paul’s (Kevin James) ecstatic to receive an invitation to the security guard convention in Vegas.

With his daughter (Raini Rodriguez) in tow, Paul parades around Sin City under the assumption that he is the key note speaker.

Threatening Paul’s imagined accolades is a sophisticated thief (Neal McDonough) who plans to pilfer the priceless paintings from the hotel where he’s staying.

The superfluous sequel to the inane original, Paul Bart 2 doesn’t expand much beyond James’ waistline, which, by the way, is integral to the fat-guy pratfalls that dominate the insipid script.

Besides, the best way to protect original artwork is with exploding dye-packs.  Red Light

Woman in Gold

The worst thing about growing old is everyone starts to dispute that it’s you in all of your portraits.

Facial recognition, however, isn’t imperative in this drama – proof of ownership is.

Made aware of the fact that the portrait of her aunt that was stolen by the Nazis is now hanging in an Austrian gallery, Maria Altmann (Helen Mirren) hires an inexperienced lawyer, Randy Schoenberg (Ryan Reynolds), to repossess it for her.

With assistance from a journalist (Daniel Brühl), they challenge Austria’s ownership of Gustav Klimt's The Woman in Gold in court, but turn up short each time.

It’s not until they contest proprietorship on US soil do they see results.

An intriguing and inspiring true account of retribution, Woman in Gold may lag with numerous wartime flashbacks but the outcome is still an edifying one.

Unfortunately, the Nazis vandalized Woman in Gold by painting a Hitler moustache on her.  Green Light 

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It Follows

Out of all of the STD’s, getting pregnant is probably the worst.

But as this horror movie suggests - you could contract something even worse.

Immediately after having sex, Hugh (Jake Weary) tells Jay (Maika Monroe) that he’s transmitted a curse to her that will exterminate every previous carrier if she is killed by the shape-shifting entity that’ll be following her until she passes it on.

Aided by her friends (Keir Gilchrist, Olivia Luccardi, Lili Sepe), Jay flees the creature – having intercourse in the interim to break the curse - but to no avail.

Out of options, they attempt to kill the being before its carnal chain letter unravels.

Atmospheric with a moody soundtrack to match, It Follows is an art-house horror movie with layers of sexual subtext; however, this approach evokes more contemplation than trepidation.

Besides, the stranger following you around after sex is usually your partner’s ex.  Yellow Light

***Know Loitering***

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Mallrats                                                                         

If it weren’t for shopping malls teenagers would be forced to spend their weekends playing organized sports.

Even the twenty-something year olds would be distraught without the mall, as this comedy illustrates.

To console his friend T.S. (Jeremy London) after his break-up with Brandi (Claire Forlani), Brodie (Jason Lee) takes him to the local mall to hangout.

While networking with the other unmotivated shoppers (Ethan Suplee, Jason Mewes, Kevin Smith), the boys learn of a dating game being staged in the mall that will feature Brandi.

Seeing this as an opportunity to win her back, T.S. enters as a would-be suitor.

Renowned for its outlandish characters and comic book laden content way before it was commonplace, Mallrats’ puerile and goofy storyline still stands as one of writer/director Kevin Smith’s greatest achievement in slacker humour.

Surprisingly, however, it’s now the stay-at-home moms that are loitering in the food court all day.

He’s 50% Off-putting. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He has Skinny Genes. He’s the…

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Week of July 3, 2015

Brunch is now the most important meal of the day. First up…

While We’re Young

Every middle-aged married couple should have some millennial aged friends they can donate old-fashioned clothing and obnoxious furniture to.

Unfortunately, the unhip duo in this dramedy wants to give their Gen Y friends everything.

Forty-something documentary filmmaker Josh (Ben Stiller) and his wife Cornelia (Naomi Watts) form an unlikely friendship with married hipsters interested in making documentaries, Jamie (Adam Driver) and Darby (Amanda Seyfried).

Fascinated by their self-confidence, Josh and Cornelia embrace the laid-back life-style and vintage eyewear of their uninhibited counterparts.

But when Josh learns that Jamie’s new documentary lacks integrity, he tries to sabotage its accolades with accusations of treachery.

An uneven but honest look at Gen X and Y relationships, the first half of this witty character study has affable dialogue and authentic performances, while the latter half becomes an overwrought psychological-thriller.

Either way, apathetic Millennials make it easy for half-assed Gen-Xers to advance in the workplace.  Yellow Light

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Danny Collins

The worst thing about singing in casinos is your opening act is always Prime Rib Dinner.

Fortunately, the former rock-star in this drama hasn’t reached that lowly level yet.

Despite legions of aging female fans that maintain his relevance, seventies heartthrob Danny Collins (Al Pacino) still longs for legitimacy outside of the archaic catalog he croons ad nauseam.

It is not until his manager (Christopher Plummer) presents him with a 40–year-old letter from John Lennon does Danny get the courage to reinvent himself.

So much so, he begins writing new material and mending his relationship with his son (Bobby Cannavale) and daughter-in-law (Jennifer Garner).

While Pacino is topnotch and the supporting cast more than capable, Danny Collins’ biggest issue is it deviates from the real-life inspiration so much that it becomes a clichéd musical melodrama.

Incidentally, instead of their panties, aging audiences member now throw their Depends on stage.  Yellow Light

 

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Maggie

Most parents would find chopping their zombie teen’s head off with an axe to be cathartic.

However, the father of the infected in this horror-drama wants to keep his daughter whole as long as possible.

Desperate dad Wade (Arnold Schwarzenegger) discovers his missing daughter Maggie (Abigail Breslin) is being treated in hospital for a recent zombie bite.

With weeks to go before she turns, Maggie returns home to her stepmother (Joely Richardson) and step-siblings to live out her last human days with her friends.

When officials come to quarantine the rotting minor her father refuses to give her up – costing him everything.

Showcasing Schwarzenegger’s most restrained performance to date, Maggie’s script however doesn’t deserve as high of praise.

Lacking the visceral component of the undead genre, Maggie’s moody melodrama is more depressing than it is distressing.

Besides, teenage zombies only eat human brains if they're deep-fried and smothered in ketchup.  Red Light

***Man’s Beast Friend***

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Fido

Being responsible for a pet zombie is a good way for a couple to know if they’re ready for a baby.

Unfortunately, the couple in this horror-comedy had a little boy before their flesh-eater.

Despite her husband’s (Dylan Baker) unease around them, Helen (Carrie-Anne Moss) brings home a domesticated zombie, Fido (Billy Connolly), whose hunger for flesh is kept in check by a remote-controlled collar.

When officials quarantine Fido on account of his feasting of neighbours, young Timmy (K'Sun Ray) sets out to retrieve his putrefied playmate with the help of a previous company employee (Tim Blake Nelson).

But the head of the company (Henry Czerny) has other plans for Fido’s saviours.

Set in an alternate 1950s, this quirky Canadian contribution to the annuals of zombie cinema injects some much needed satire and humor into the undead genre.

Incidentally, letting your pet zombie lick your face is a slippery slope.

He has a Flesh-Eating Disorder. He’s the…

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