Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's a Sea Cucumber Sandwich. He’s the...

Vidiot

Week of March 29, 2018

Sea-monkeys may be the missing link. First up...

Aquaman

The best thing about being able to communicate with fish is you can tell them not to swim up your urethra.

Conversely, the Atlantean in this fantasy is using his sway over vertebrates to claim his throne.

Years after the queen of Atlantis (Nicole Kidman) was banished for breeding with a land-dweller, her mixed-race offspring Arthur (Jason Momoa) must prevent his half-brother (Patrick Wilson) from amalgamating the seven underwater kingdoms and declaring war on the surface. But before he can do that, Arthur and warrior woman Mera (Amber Heard) must first retrieve the Trident of Neptune.

More action-adventure than superhero saga, this adaptation of the DC Comics character is all style over substance, thanks to its rudimentary plot, childish dialogue and corny villains. Nevertheless, there are some amazing special effects and action scenes that redeem its lesser quantities.

However, when you’re a water-based superhero your archenemy will always be shrinkage.  Yellow Light

Mary Poppins Return

The only time you really ever see your childhood nanny again is when they are on trial for sexual assault charges.

Surprisingly, the caregiver in this fantasy has returned to help a former patron who has hit hard times.

Left to rear his children after his wife’s death, Michael Banks (Ben Whishaw) now lives in his family home with his sister Jane (Emily Mortimer). But with no money coming in the family faces foreclosure. Thankfully, help descends from the heavens in the form of the Banks’ former au pair Mary Poppins (Emily Blunt), who, along with a lamplighter (Lin-Manuel Miranda), distract the children from their hardships.

Disney’s unexpected sequel to its 1964 adaptation of the children’s book pays ample tribute to the original by featuring animation and live-action sequences, but tarnishes it with lackluster songs, a marathon running-time and a sterner nursemaid than previous depicted.

Moreover, if Disney wants to modernize the beloved nanny than Mary Poppins should really be Hispanic.  Yellow Light

***Putting on the Blitz***

Bedknobs and Broomsticks

The Allies never drafted superheroes during WWII for fear Superman would be a Nazis sympathizer.

However, instead of superpowers, this fantasy supposes magic was used to fend off the Axis.

During the Blitz, the Rawlins’ children are taken to an English manor owned by Miss. Price (Angela Lansbury), a witch in-training who wishes to use magic in the war effort. Unfortunately, her correspondence course is cancelled before she can master the last spell. However, the headmaster of the witch school (David Tomlinson) informs her that the medallion she needs is on Naboombu, a mystical island populated by talking animals.

While this 1971 animated live-action Disney movie is very similar to Mary Poppins, this composite of two children’s books is a tad darker than the aforementioned caregiver thanks to its war torn setting and epic award-winning special effects.

Conversely, the Americans also employed magicians during WWII, but only for USO shows.

He's a Slight of Hand Grenade. He's the...

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Spider-They. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of March 22, 2019

Non-binary super-heroes are a name charger. First up…..

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

Anyone could be under Spider-Man’s mask; which is why it’s popular amongst bank-robbers.

However, this animated movie supposes someone else is actually slinging webs too.

When his world’s Spider-Man (Chris Pine) perishes closing Kingpin’s (Liev Schreiber) multiverse portal, irradiated teenager Miles (Shameik Moore) is sans mentor. That is until he realizes that not only has another Spider-Man (Jake Johnson) appeared in his dimension, but alternate versions too, including a girl (Hailee Steinfeld), a pig (John Mulaney) and a monochrome web-head (Nicolas Cage). Now Miles and his amazing friends must thwart Kingpin’s second attempt at opening the gateway.

With eye-popping animation that mixes multiple mediums in with its own unique style, a diverse cast and an Oscar winning soundtrack, this spectacular interpretation hilariously honours all iterations of Spidey while introducing a thwack more.

And now that Spider-Man isn’t a white male anymore his enemies can all be charged with hate crimes.  Green Light

If Beale Street Could Talk

Even if streets could talk no one would ever be able to hear them over all of the traffic.

Similarly, the pregnant woman in this drama is being drowned out because of her race.

Discovering that she is pregnant shortly after her boyfriend Fonny (Stephan James) is sent to prison for rape, Tish (KiKi Layne) vows to prove his arrest was racially motivated by the police in time for their baby’s birth. Meanwhile, Tish’s mother (Regina King) tracks down the victim who identified Fonny as her assailant and pleads with her to change her testimony.

Beautifully shot and scored with strong performances, this nonlinear adaptation of James Baldwin’s 1970s era novel about racial inequality in New York is also very timely. However, the overall story is too rambling, while the dialogue is over-the-top and the ending unsatisfying.

Besides, police stop sending young black men to jail a long time ago.  Red Light

***Travels with My Ant***

Them!

The worst part about being able to lift 1,000 times your weight is that everybody wants your help when moving.

However, no one wants an ant the size of the one in this sci-fi move showing up Saturday morning.

Bombing in the deserts has yielded giant ants that are amassing sugar in underground liars. It’s not until people go missing that the police (James Whitmore) alerts the FBI (James Arness) and medical experts (Edmund Gwenn, Joan Weldon). But by the time they figure it out, the queens have flown to California.

Signalling the atomic age, this pioneer of the big bug feature remains a pillar of the 1950s matinee fad. Applying real world science to Cold War anxieties, Them’s forewarning of nuclear warfare was even more convincing thanks to the realistic looking creatures and their high-pitched wailing.

Incidentally, the only way to defeat giant ants is with giant magnifying glasses.

He’s a Foreign Worker Ant. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Smell-Caster. He’s the....

Vidiot

Week of March 15, 2019

If magic were real there’d be more legless women around. First up....

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

One way to tell an inmate is a magician is if their visitors arrive with rabbits concealed up their butts.

Fortunately, the prisoner in this fantasy doesn’t need contraband bunnies to breakout.

With help from his followers, dark wizard Grindelwald (Johnny Depp) escapes prison and sets out to find a powerful orphan (Ezra Miller) that can overthrow rival wizard Dumbledore (Jude Law). Meanwhile, enchanted zoologist Newt (Eddie Redmayne) has his visa reinstated by the Ministry of Magic. The only catch is he must locate the enchanted urchin before Grindelwald does.

While the SPFX continue to impress, this second chapter of the Harry Potter prequel - written by J. K. Rowling herself - is more convoluted than the initial installment. Doing away with the fantastic beasts and focusing instead on new characters sparks little magic in this flashy cash grab.

Moreover, magicians with criminal records can only work on cruise lines.  Yellow Light

Mortal Engines

The best thing about living in a steam-punk environment is that your clothes are always wrinkle-free.

However, the engines employed in this sci-fi fantasy are used for more than pressing trousers.

After a great war, humanity lives in massive metropolises that absorb smaller outposts into their steam-powered framework. But when London consumes a mining town, it brings aboard a masked interloper, Hester (Hera Hilmar), who wants revenge on the man who killed her mother (Hugo Weaving). Luckily, she has help from a local (Robert Sheehan) and a cyborg veteran (Stephen Lang).

While the world building is a wonder to behold, the end result of this YA novel adaptation is not as breathtaking as the scenery. With lackluster performances, this perfunctory tale of revenge plays out pretty much as one would expect.

Furthermore, in a world run by engines, your city is going to be in the mechanic’s shop a lot.  Red Light

 

Green Book

The hardest part of driving through the southern US is convincing folks the internal combustion engine isn’t witchcraft.

Sadly, the driver in this drama must also persuade southerners that his black passenger is human.

When nightclub bouncer Frank Vallelonga (Viggo Mortensen) is laid off, he takes a job driving around jazz pianist Don Shirley (Mahershala Ali) as he plays throughout the lower states. While the lowbrow Vallelonga and the snobbish Shirley struggle to find common ground, they eventually become friends and learn to navigate the racism embedded in the south.

Loosely based on a true story, many liberties were taken to make this interracial buddy movie more palatable to modern day audiences. And while the freedom taken can be called into question, the overall message of tolerance is inarguable, along with the strong performances.

And while having a white male driver may curtail racial violence, road rage incidents would double.  Green Light

***Thelonious Sunk***

The Legend of 1900

Ocean liners are the ideal jazz venue because the audience has no means of escaping.

Conversely, the pianist in this drama is attracting passengers to his vessel.

When a ship worker finds a baby aboard the SS Virginian, he raises it as his own. But when he passes, the child – dubbed 1900 (Tim Roth) – must fend for himself. Eventually, he learns the piano and joins the vessel's orchestra - never once stepping foot on dry ground. When word of his talents reaches the mainland, famed pianist Jelly Roll Morton (Clarence Williams III) boards the Virginian to challenge him to a piano duel.

While the narrative never goes beyond the concept, and 1900’s character arc is basically nonexistent, this adaptation of an Italian novel makes up for its shortfalls with dynamic direction and scorching soundtrack.

However, if the ship ever starts sinking it’s probably smart to say you play the triangle.

He’s the Afterbirth of Cool. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Punch-Drunk Driver. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of March 8, 2019

Boxing would be more popular if fighters wore capes. First up…

Creed II

Boxing has experienced a renaissance lately thanks to the many other sports that cause concussions.

And the healthy heavyweight in this action movie is spearheading that revival.

Not long after he becomes the world heavyweight champion, Adonis Creed (Michael B. Jordan) accepts a challenge to fight the son of Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren), the man who killed his father. But without Rocky (Sylvester Stallone) in his corner, Donnie barely scrapes by with his title – or life - intact. But with his wife (Tessa Thompson) and newborn battling their own medical issues, Donnie doesn’t have time to wallow before the rematch.

While the original cast excels in their roles again, the nostalgic narrative of this overly inspirational sequel relies too heavily on Rocky clichés. Meanwhile, the loss of the original director is felt throughout, especially in the handful of fights depicted.

Besides, it’s hard for boxers to be fathers because babies are just too smart.  Yellow Light

Instant Family

Nowadays, no matter the type of child you adopt you can surgically altered them to look like you.

However, the couple in this dramedy has decided to allow their kids to keep their appearances.

Spurred on by her family’s doubt in her, Ellie (Rose Byrne) and her husband Pete (Mark Wahlberg) move forward on adoption. With help from a foster parent group headed by quirky social workers (Octavia Spencer, Tig Notaro), Ellie and Pete welcome three Mexican-American siblings into their home. But they soon learn that raising kids, especially a teenager, isn’t as easy as they thought.

Although it offers some insight into the arduous adoption process that hopefuls must endure, this modern family folly is also filled with so much potty humour that it’s hard to take the darker moments all that serious.

Incidentally, adopting another nationality is the best way to show the world you’re not a racist.  Red Light

***Rope-a-Doption ***

The Mighty McGurk

After retiring from the ring most boxers take cushy jobs as crash-test dummies.

However, the prizefighter in this drama spends his days bouncing at a dive bar.

Former heavyweight champion Slag McGurk (Wallace Beery) now works the door at Mike’s (Edward Arnold) tavern. When presented with the chance to partner on Mike’s latest venture, Slag jumps at the chance to help his friend ruin the Salvation Army so Mike can expand. But as he rounds up thugs to help Slag meets an orphan (Dean Stockwell) that convinces him to stand-up to Mike.

While the story of a lovable ex-fighter finding their fire in an adoring orphan isn’t all that new, this 1947 take on the dynamic is an amiable attempt that has plenty of barroom brawls to whet the appetite of fight fans.

Furthermore, this film finally proves that boxing gloves are not made out of the skins of orphans.

He’s a Beer Gut Punch. He’s the…

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