He’s a Smell-Caster. He’s the....
Vidiot
Week of March 15, 2019
If magic were real there’d be more legless women around.
First up....
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald
One way to tell an inmate is a magician is if their visitors
arrive with rabbits concealed up their butts.
Fortunately, the prisoner in this fantasy doesn’t need
contraband bunnies to breakout.
With help from his followers, dark wizard Grindelwald
(Johnny Depp) escapes prison and sets out to find a powerful orphan (Ezra
Miller) that can overthrow rival wizard Dumbledore (Jude Law). Meanwhile,
enchanted zoologist Newt (Eddie Redmayne) has his visa reinstated by the
Ministry of Magic. The only catch is he must locate the enchanted urchin before
Grindelwald does.
While the SPFX continue to impress, this second chapter of
the Harry Potter prequel - written by J. K. Rowling herself - is more convoluted
than the initial installment. Doing away with the fantastic beasts and focusing
instead on new characters sparks little magic in this flashy cash grab.
Moreover, magicians with criminal records can only work on
cruise lines. Yellow Light
Mortal Engines
The best thing about living in a steam-punk environment is
that your clothes are always wrinkle-free.
However, the engines employed in this sci-fi fantasy are
used for more than pressing trousers.
After a great war, humanity lives in massive metropolises
that absorb smaller outposts into their steam-powered framework. But when
London consumes a mining town, it brings aboard a masked interloper, Hester
(Hera Hilmar), who wants revenge on the man who killed her mother (Hugo
Weaving). Luckily, she has help from a local (Robert Sheehan) and a cyborg
veteran (Stephen Lang).
While the world building is a wonder to behold, the end
result of this YA novel adaptation is not as breathtaking as the scenery. With
lackluster performances, this perfunctory tale of revenge plays out pretty much
as one would expect.
Furthermore, in a world run by engines, your city is going
to be in the mechanic’s shop a lot. Red
Light
Green Book
The hardest part of driving through the southern US is
convincing folks the internal combustion engine isn’t witchcraft.
Sadly, the driver in this drama must also persuade
southerners that his black passenger is human.
When nightclub bouncer Frank Vallelonga (Viggo Mortensen) is
laid off, he takes a job driving around jazz pianist Don Shirley (Mahershala
Ali) as he plays throughout the lower states. While the lowbrow Vallelonga and
the snobbish Shirley struggle to find common ground, they eventually become
friends and learn to navigate the racism embedded in the south.
Loosely based on a true story, many liberties were taken to
make this interracial buddy movie more palatable to modern day audiences. And
while the freedom taken can be called into question, the overall message of
tolerance is inarguable, along with the strong performances.
And while having a white male driver may curtail racial
violence, road rage incidents would double.
Green Light
***Thelonious Sunk***
The Legend of 1900
Ocean liners are the ideal jazz venue because the audience
has no means of escaping.
Conversely, the pianist in this drama is attracting
passengers to his vessel.
When a ship worker finds a baby aboard the SS Virginian, he
raises it as his own. But when he passes, the child – dubbed 1900 (Tim Roth) –
must fend for himself. Eventually, he learns the piano and joins the vessel's
orchestra - never once stepping foot on dry ground. When word of his talents
reaches the mainland, famed pianist Jelly Roll Morton (Clarence Williams III)
boards the Virginian to challenge him to a piano duel.
While the narrative never goes beyond the concept, and
1900’s character arc is basically nonexistent, this adaptation of an Italian
novel makes up for its shortfalls with dynamic direction and scorching
soundtrack.
However, if the ship ever starts sinking it’s probably smart
to say you play the triangle.
He’s the Afterbirth of Cool. He’s the…
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