Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Got Something to Disprove. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 29, 2015

Being in someone’s shadow is only cool during the summer. First up…

 

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Seventh Son

The best thing about going to a witch burning is the crone- flavoured s’mores everyone gets to enjoy afterwards.

Unfortunately, the townsfolk in this fantasy will have to put their bonfire on hold.

Empowered by the approaching Blood Moon, sorceress supreme Mother Malkin (Julianne Moore) is freed from the confines of a grizzled knight, Master Gregory (Jeff Bridges), killing his apprentice during her escape.

Tasked with recapturing Malkin before her newfound powers enslave humanity, Gregory must first recruit a replacement apprentice to aid him on this quest.

While legend dictates it to be the seventh son (Ben Barnes) of a seventh son, Gregory truly doubts his new pupil’s witch-hunter abilities.

With a derivative mentor/mentee adventure script, a baffling accent from Bridges, and too many awkward-looking creature designs to mention, this adaption of the YA book series is embarrassingly outdated and insipid.

Besides, the only apprentice an armoured knight needs is WD-40.  Red Light

 

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What We Do in the Shadows

The hardest part of rooming with another vampire is deciding who gets to sleep in the larger coffin.

Luckily, the sleeping arrangements in this comedy have already been decided.

On the promise they won’t be drained of plasma, a documentary film-crew is permitted to capture the night-to-night activities of a group of vampires (Jemaine Clement, Taika Waititi, Jonathan Brugh, Ben Fransham) sharing a flat in New Zealand.

In the shadow of this year’s masquerade ball, the roommates must not only contend with the death of their oldest roomy, but also the arrival of a novice vampire and his human friend.

A hysterical take on the found-footage genre, this Kiwi contribution perfectly captures the idiosyncratic drawbacks and benefits to being undead - and having roommates.

With a clever script connecting the gags seamlessly, this morbid mockumentary has cult classic potential.

Ironically, blood-sucking roommates aren’t as inclined to vacuum as one would assume.  Green Light

***Side-Kick-Starter Campaign***

 

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American Movie

Thanks to crowd-sourcing your movies online your film’s financial investors are now faceless strangers without legal representation.

But as this mockumentary confirms, in the late-90s’, aspiring auteurs were indebted to their families.

When Mark’s (Mark Borchardt) feature film project is put on hold due to a lack of funding, he redirects his focus to an unfinished horror movie of his called Coven.

With his senile uncle Ben backing the short-film and his best friend (Mike Schank) serving as sound-engineer, Mark and many of the townsfolk begin to make one of the worst movies ever made.

Marred by his alcoholism, lack of organization and ongoing custody battle with his ex, Mark’s cinematic debut is threatened at every angle.

One of the first and funniest found-footage documentaries to follow around down-and-out losers, American Movie is inventive, inspiring and awkwardly uproarious.

Nowadays, however, the hardest part of moviemaking is choosing which bestseller to adapt.

He’s a Registered Cinephile. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Clay Pigeonholed. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 22, 2015

Free-range shooting ranges are the future. First up…

 

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American Sniper

The key to being a skilled marksman is remembering to remove the riflescope lens cap before you shoot.

Thankfully, the rifleman in this drama is that adroit, and much more.

An accomplished shooter since childhood, Chris Kyle (Bradley Cooper) gravitates towards a military career when he’s older.

In post-9/11 Iraq, Chris’ skill behind the riflescope quickly garners him a reputation as a merciless sniper, not only amongst his platoon but also the al-Qaeda leaders he’s been assigned to assassinate.

On the home front, however, his wife (Sienna Miller) struggles to raise their children without a father.

When he is home, Chris’ PTSD keeps him from leading a normal life.

Polarizing for its depiction of war, Clint Eastwood’s adaption of Chris’ biography does dip into hero-worshipping at times, but it also emphasizes the repercussions war has on its returning ‘heroes’.

Incidentally, post-service snipers have bright futures back home as ticking time bombs.  Yellow Light

 

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Blackhat

The worst thing about Internet crime is the culprits typically commit their offensives while wearing adult super-hero themed onesies.

Fortunately, the hackers in this thriller aren’t restricted to their folks’ basement.

When computers hackers with a transfigured code tamper with the NYSE and a nuclear plant in China, both powerhouses assign their best cyber-crime specialists (Viola Davis, Leehom Wang) to the case.

But in order to find the party responsible, they will need the brain behind the destructive code: Hathaway (Chris Hemsworth), who is currently incarcerated.

Meanwhile, the hacker sets their sights on their next stock market manipulation.

Despite many broad attempts by director Michael Mann to make computer hacking seem like compelling viewing, Blackhat’s abysmal acting, sluggish pace and tacked on interracial romance fails to engage the viewer beyond its topically subject matter.

Besides, the best way to catch a hacker is by sprinkling Cheetos around a leg-hold trap.  Red Light

 

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Hot Tub Time Machine 2

If you ever get hungry in a hot tub just dump a few vegetables and a chicken carcass in there, and you got yourself a hearty broth.

Mind you, the friends in this comedy are more interested in turning their tub into a cocktail.

In a future he created for himself, hot tub time-traveller Lou (Rob Corddry) is assassinated by an unknown assailant. To save him, his fellow time-travellers (Craig Robinson, Clark Duke) must go back in time.

Unfortunately, their alcohol-fuelled hot tub takes them to the future where the assassin originated.

In 2025, the trio adjusts to their strange new surroundings while trying to pinpoint the location of Lou’s killer.

Five years too late and missing John Cusack, this superfluous sequel is more malicious and homophobic than the original.

Crotch-based comedy at its worst, HTTM2 circles the drain.

Furthermore, a time-travelling sauna would be a much more practical vessel.  Red Light

***Not Too Sharpshooter***

 

The Deadly Tower

Pegging off people one-by-one from a secluded vantage point is only heroic if they aren’t on your side.

However, no one told that to the ex-military marksman in this drama.

In 1966, while studying at the University of Texas, Charles Whitman (Kurt Russell), a former Marine sharpshooter, decides to murder his mother and his wife. 

Afterwards, he and a cache of arms and ammunition take up residency in the university’s tower.

Fortified in the pylon, Whitman continues his killing spree on campus - taking co-eds into his crosshairs.

Meanwhile, the authorities (John Forsythe, Pernell Roberts, Ned Beatty, Clifton James) amass below, aching to take Whitman out.

The television movie account of one of American’s worst mass murderers, The Deadly Tower features accomplished character actors and a pulse pounding, albeit melodramatic, storyline that still resonates.

Incidentally, the US army doesn’t support the shooting of unarmed civilians – it sanctions bombing them instead.

He’s a Rude Remarks-man. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Inner Beauty Mark. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 15, 2015

Those with inner beauty should’ve been born inside out. First up…

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Mortdecai

The upside to white-collar crime is the offenders smell way better than normal criminals.

However, the art aficionado in this comedy is working on the right side of the law.

An indebted art dealer, Mortdecai (Johnny Depp), accepts an offer from Inspector Martland (Ewan McGregor) to help recover a stolen painting in exchange for 10% of its sale price.

Aided by his wife (Gwyneth Paltrow) and manservant (Paul Bettany), Mortdecai uses his connections in the art world to uncover a plot by Russian gangsters to use a hidden code on the artwork to locate Nazis treasure.

The only problem is the painting is still in the hands of the real culprits.

With flat jokes focused solely on the character’s foolish facial hair and embarrassing performances all-round, Mortdecai’s cheeky and quirky nature is misguided and irritating.

Besides, if you want to steal art just pry it off the motel room wall.  Red Light

 

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Still Alice

The hardest part of losing your memory is trying to remember the hardest part of losing your memory.

That is why the sufferer in this drama records her thoughts for posterity.

Alice (Julianne Moore) is a middle-aged linguistics professor who suddenly starts experiencing lapses in her thought process.

She later learns that she has a rare form of Alzheimer's, and that one of her three grown children: Lydia (Kristen Stewart), Anna (Kate Bosworth) and Tom (Hunter Parrish) is likely to have inherited it from her.

As Alice’s health deteriorates, her husband (Alec Baldwin) fades into the background as Lydia steps into a more motherly role.

Powerful and poignant, this well-acted adaptation of the best-seller perfectly captures the deliberate decline in mental and cognitive skills associated with the disease, as well as the toll Alzheimer's takes on your family.

On the upside, Alzheimer’s does help you forget you have cancer. Green Light

***Recall Waiting***

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Regarding Henry

Who needs memories when we have thousands of photographs of every event in our lives stored on our computers?

Still, the memory loss suffer in this drama would like to regain his recall.

Forgetting his cold-heartedness after being shot in the head during a convenient store robbery, high-powered attorney Henry (Harrison Ford) finds himself relying on his neglected wife (Annette Bening) and distant daughter for the first-time in his selfish life.

Initially unaware of his former foulness, Henry forges new relationships with both women.

When his past becomes clearer, however, he starts to see the flaws in his former existence and sets out to right them.

Handcrafted to evoke feels of sentimentality, this J.J. Abrams scripted redemption tale relies too heavily on feel-good father-daughter moments and Dickensian epiphanies to progress its engaging but predictable narrative.

Incidentally, the best person to jog an amnesiac’s memory is someone who owes them money.

He’s a Record Recollector. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Re-Activist. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 8, 2015

The System, The Machine and The Man control The Grid. First up…

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Selma

Whites didn’t want blacks voting down South because they didn’t want them pointing out all the spelling mistakes on the ballots.

Either way, as this drama confirms, ignorance played a major role.

When Annie Lee Cooper (Oprah Winfrey) is refused the right to vote through intimidation, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (David Oyelowo) leads a coalition of activists and parishioners down to Selma, Alabama to protest President Johnson’s (Tom Wilkinson) refusal to enforce voter rights.

While many of their marches are marred by violence, King’s moment gains footing and a white following.

However, J. Edgar Hoover (Dylan Baker) schemes to sabotage King’s marriage and reputation.

An enlightening look at some of the most important moments of the civil rights movement, Selma supports its facts with surprising reveals concerning the effort and its fallible leader.    

Incidentally, Selma already had a bad reputation from burning all those witches back in the 1600s.  Green Light

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Black or White

The upside to a white couple raising a black daughter is her not becoming obsessed with going to the tanning salon everyday.

The cultural perks aside, this drama focuses more on the disadvantages of a mixed-race family.

When his wife dies, Elliot (Kevin Costner) is left to raise his deceased daughter’s half-white, half-black child Eloise (Jillian Estell).

To help him through this transition, he employs a tutor for his granddaughter and alcohol for his grief.

But when the mother (Octavia Spencer) of Eloise’s real dad calls Elliot’s effectiveness as a father into question due to his race, he must fight for custody in court.

While there is validity to the concerns raised by the story, the over-sentimentality and weak performances undermine the importance of the subject matter.

Besides, when a black family and a white family can’t decide on who will raise a child, it naturally defaults to an Asian family.  Red Light

 

Fifty Shades of Grey

Thanks to political correctness, the only place you can spank someone nowadays is in the boudoir.

Or, a sex dungeon – like the one featured in this drama.

During an interview with philanthropist Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), literary major Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) strikes a cord with the reserved industrialist.

A chance encounter reunites them and they form a bond.

Before it goes further, however, Christian presents Ana with a sex contract detailing the acts of BDSM he hopes to inflict upon her.

Hesitant, she eventually agrees and receives gifts in exchange for her submission.  

But Christian’s callousness causes her to question if she can ever change her troubled torturer.

With laughable dialogue delivered by amateurish actors this soft-core composite of every female fantasy is as vapid and tawdry as its best selling literary inspiration. 

   

What’s more, abused women finally have a better excuse for their bruises than falling down the stairs.  Red Light

***Submission: Impossible***

Secretary

The ironic thing about safe words is they’re useless when you have a ball-gag in your mouth.

The submissive in this drama, however, doesn’t contemplate mercy.

After her release from hospital, ex-cutter Lee (Maggie Gyllenhaal) lands a job as a legal secretary to E. Edward Grey (James Spader).

Grey’s exacting nature causes her to relapse. However, her obedience and pain threshold strikes a cord in Grey, who proposes they partake in BDSM.

Over time, he withdraws from the relationship out of embarrassment and she pursues a more orthodox dating life.

But one final act of submission on Lee’s part thrusts Grey back into her life.

Exploring the emotionally foreplay between the characters more than exploiting the erotic elements of their union, Secretary comes off as a smart, sophisticated take on BDSM, and relationships in general.

Incidentally, women’s fetish for bondage goes back to being tied to train-tracks by mustachioed villains.

He’s an Undercover Crop. He’s the…

Vidiot