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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s got Fake Bloodlust. He’s the…

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Week of October 28, 2011

Vampires are soooo vein. First up…

Captain America: The First Avenger

No matter how well the US army constructs its super-soldiers, all of them will inevitably be killed by friendly fire.

Thankfully, the genetically enhanced GI in this action movie has a shield to protect him from any incompetence.

Recruited by a military doctor (Stanley Tucci) to participant in a body augmenting experiment, Steve (Chris Evans), a pipsqueak desperate to serve, jumps at the chance.

Though successful at heightening his physical prowess, the formula is ultimately lost to the Nazi affiliated HYDRA organization.

Now, Steve must don his country’s colours and wage war against HYDRA’s head, the Red Skull (Hugo Weaving), whose cosmic cube threatens the Allies.

A rip-roaring adventure with exceptional performances and a less-campy costume than its Marvel Comics template, Captain America is an exemplary adaptation of an unadaptable super-hero.

And while it is patriotic to wear your country’s colours into war, unless your flag is camouflaged, you’re dead.  0

Attack the Block

Honestly, most mayors wouldn’t have an issue with bloodthirsty aliens invading their ghettos and dining on their denizens.

However, the less fortunate lunch menu items in this sci-fi movie would have a serious issue with it.

Amid robbing a nurse (Jodie Whittaker) at knife-point, a gang of teenagers is sidetracked when an object from space crash-lands nearby.

To prove his pluck, the gang-leader, Moses (John Boyega), confronts and kills the creature, claiming it for fame and fortune.

But when a furrier, more ferocious form of the alien comes looking for retribution, the posse must partner with the nurse to defeat the fluorescent fanged fiends.   

Featuring one of the best creature designs ever, a brilliant young cast, a tight script and a soundtrack by Basement Jaxx, Attack the Block is a complete blast.

Furthermore, if the aliens really didn’t want any opposition to their occupation, then they should’ve invaded the suburbs.  0

***Bobbing for Adam’s Apples***

Creature from the Black Lagoon

If humans did evolve from fish, why don’t our fingers taste that good deep-fried and smothered in tartar sauce?

And while the missing-aquatic-link in this horror movie would make a nice fillet, he’s thinking the same thing about us.

While on expedition to recover the remains of a humanoid-type creature with webbed hands, Dr. Reed (Richard Carlson), his girlfriend (Julia Adams) and other scientists begin to feel like they are being watched.

Believing that the fossilized skeleton is resting at the bottom of the lagoon, Reed’s crew dives below its surface. Meanwhile, on top, his lady attracts the fish-eye of Gill-man, a living ancestor of the enigmatic amphibian.

Though it lacks a shadowy setting, this classic Universal Monster movie does feature one of the all-time great creature designs.

However, instead of lynching Gill-man, the scientists should employ him to salvage submerged lumber for a chain of high-end reclaimed furniture stores.

He wears a Silver Bullet-Proof Vest. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Fountain of Youth Counselor. He's the...

Vidiot

Week of October 21, 2011

You only live forever once. First up…

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Nowadays, everyone knows the real Fountain of Youth is found inside every bottle of Mountain Dew.

However, pirates in the 18th century – like the ones in this action movie – believed the life extending spring was more isolated and less urine coloured.

After disobeying the King of England’s order to find the famed elixir – alongside his rival Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) – notorious buccaneer Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) finds himself leading a black magic practitioner/pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane) and his daughter (Penélope Cruz) on a similar expedition.

But in order to benefit from the fountain’s paranormal properties, Sparrow and crew must first obtain two goblets owned by Ponce de León and teardrops belonging to a mermaid.

The fourth installment of the Disney franchise, On Stranger Tides does steer the series back on course, but at the cost of becoming long in the tooth.

Seriously, only pedophiles still dress like Captain Jack for Halloween.  0

Bad Teacher

Nowadays, a bad teacher is someone who takes sexual advantage of your child and doesn’t give them better grades in exchange.

And while the middle school teacher in this comedy isn’t sleeping with her students, she isn’t teaching them either.

After her fiancé finds out that she is a gold-digger, Elizabeth (Cameron Diaz) must return to the school she just quit, humbled and humiliated.

Still desperate to leave academia, she sets her sights on a well-off substitute (Justin Timberlake), despite advances from the down-to-earth gym teacher (Jason Segel).

Convinced that breast implants will solve all of her problems, Elizabeth then begins concocting moneymaking schemes in order to realize her selfish dream.

With detestable leads, passive punch lines and an inane plot, Bad Teacher is simply a bad movie.    

Besides, being a bad teacher doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with it and, at least, teach your students some historical inaccuracies.  0

Monte Carlo

When travelling abroad, it’s important for Americans to remember that when in trouble, they can always get help at the nearest, bombed-out, US embassy.

However, the three Yankees in this romantic-comedy are the ones causing the trouble.

When her stepsister, Meg (Leighton Meester), compromises her and her friend’s Paris vacation, Grace (Selena Gomez) and Emma (Katie Cassidy) try to make the best of it.

When their tour turns out to be a drag, however, they ditch into a hotel where Grace encounters her exact double, an heiress (Selena Gomez).

After overhearing the socialite’s secret travel arrangements, Grace assumes her identity and takes full advantage of her scheduled trip to Monte Carlo.

While it follows the footsteps of other worldly girl movies, Monte Carlo differs from the bunch by basing its love stories around social class.

Furthermore, it proves that identity theft is only bad if the victim has massive debt.  0

Winnie the Pooh

Now what kind of sick game offers contestants the chance to win poo?

Oh, wait. This animated movie is about a gluttonous honey bear, not some kind of fecal covered first prize.  

When Eeyore (Bud Luckey) loses his tail, all of the inhabitants of the Hundred Acre Wood – Owl (Craig Ferguson), Kanga (Kristen Anderson-Lopez), Roo (Wyatt Dean Hall), Rabbit (Tom Kenny), Piglet (Travis Oates), Tigger, Pooh (Jim Cummings) – begin searching for a replacement tail, with the winner receiving a pot of honey as a reward.

However, when the monstrous Backson kidnaps their human friend Christopher Robin (Jack Boutler), the hunt for Eeyore’s extremity is put on hold as the gang plans a rescue mission.

Narrated by John Cleese, with songs by Zooey Deschanel, this affable anthology of A.A. Milne tales has been modernized without being re-imagined.

But remember kids: While bears like honey in cartoons, in real life...they like you.  0

***Sea Through***

Blackbeard’s Ghost

For a pirate from the 1600s, the biggest shock on the high seas today would have to be the treasure trove: human trafficking.

And the while misplaced marauder in this comedy is interested in loot, it’s for charity.

When a college coach (Dean Jones) buys a bed warmer owned by the pirate Blackbeard’s wife, he finds a book of incantations inside and recites one.

In doing so, he resurrects the restless spirit of Blackbeard (Peter Ustinov), who has been cursed by his wife to remain in limbo until he performs a good deed.

Deciding to help save the local inn, Blackbeard’s bumbling antics instead expedite its transformation into a casino. 

An optimistic take on the murderous pirate, Blackbeard’s Ghost is a zany romp that doesn’t skimp on classic live-action Disney charm.

However, now that pirates are harmless, does that mean we can drink liquids with the Jolly Roger on them?

He's a Hull of Famer. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Feeds the Visitors. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of October 14, 2011

If we don't eat animals then they’d better get jobs. First up…

Zookeeper

One of the benefits to being a zookeeper is having access to all of those exotic meats.

And while the animal handler in this comedy isn’t in it for the Red Panda sausage, he does love to eat.

When hefty, head zookeeper Griffin (Kevin James) is asked by his brother to host an engagement party at the zoo, he agrees whole-heartedly.

However, when his haughty ex-girlfriend Stephanie (Leslie Bibb) shows up at the shindig, Griffin loses his cool.

Later, when reacquainted, Stephanie’s torch for Griffin is re-lit.

But when her request for him to change careers resurfaces, the animals at the zoo (Adam Sandler, Cher, Sylvester Stallone, Nick Nolte) have something to say about it.

While James’ charisma can sustain Zookeeper for a span, this cringe worthy family-comedy should ultimately be kept in captivity.

As for how to make the zoo a more hilarious place to visit, feed the animals fermented fruit.  0

Green Lantern

Having your super-powers derive from a magical ring means that if you ever take it off to do the dishes, and it falls down the drain, your career is over.

The super hero in this action movie, however, doesn’t fear the consequences, or anything else.

When a dying alien from an intergalactic police force bestows Hal (Ryan Reynolds) with a special ring, he involuntarily becomes the first human member of the Green Lantern Corp.

Under the tutelage of the leader (Mark Strong) and other Lanterns (Geoffrey Rush, Michael Clarke Duncan), Hal learns to control the green-essence powered ring in hopes of defeating the fear-absorbing organism that killed his predecessor.

Thanks to a weak script and overblown effects, this cornball comic-book movie based on the DC Comics character is unable to transition from funny pages to feature film successfully.

Furthermore, having a colour in your codename really limits your wardrobe choices.  0

Horrible Bosses

Being the boss means never having to minimize non-work related websites on your computer when someone approaches your desk.

That abuse of authority, along with other complaints, is the reason why the friends in this comedy have decided to kill their bosses.

When three friends, Nick (Jason Bateman), Kurt (Jason Sudeikis) and Dale (Charlie Day), decide to move ahead with their plot to murder their bosses (Kevin Spacey, Colin Farrell, Jennifer Aniston), they seek the advice of a known felon (Jamie Foxx).

Ultimately opting to knock-off each other’s boss, the implementation of their plan is pre-empted when Nick’s boss kills Kurt’s boss and all three become suspects.

With riotous performances across the board, Horrible Bosses is teeming with the kind of laughs that form the basis of a comedy classic.

And while we’d all like to kill our bosses, the self-employed sector would suffer the most dramatic drop in productivity.  0

The Tree of Life

When using flora as a metaphor for family there are many vegetative examples you can cite, including poison ivy, Venus flytrap or a suffocating cactus patch.

However, the plant life that best represents the family unit in this drama happens to be a tree.

Following the news that their teenage son has just died, Mrs. O'Brien (Jessica Chastain) and Mr. O'Brien (Brad Pitt) sink into a deep despair.

In the future, their other son, Jack (Sean Penn), the grown brother of the deceased, recounts his time with his siblings and their parents.

As he recalls the highlights, he also recollects the lowlights involving his father’s ire.

From the big bang to the present, The Tree of Life is a monumental undertaking of visual brilliance and fractured narrative that buckles, at times, under its own ambition.

Besides, if life is really a tree than that would mean humans are its nuts.  0

***Affirmative Reaction***

9 to 5

To ensure that your co-workers don’t snitch on you when you kidnap your boss, nab them on a Friday morning so everyone gets a half-day.

However, the co-workers in this comedy have avoided detection by taking their boss hostage before he arrives at work.

When Judy (Jane Fonda) is hired as a secretary for a sizable company, she is quick to learn that her boss (Dabney Coleman) is a complete creep.

Eventually fed up with his misogynistic manner, Judy and her colleagues (Lily Tomlin, Dolly Parton) decide to take him hostage in his own home.

Meanwhile, in his absence, they begin to implement bold new business ideas that really shake up the company.

A ballsy comedy with feisty performances from the female leads, 9 to 5 is still ahead of its time, socially and comically.

As for getting rid of a female boss for an extensive period, secretly inseminate her.

He works in the Hate Mailroom. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s the Anti-Chrysler. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of October 7, 2011

Buddy can you spare a tire? First up…

Fast Five

When street racing in Rio it’s important to obey the custom of pimping your car out in a thong.

But since the street racers in this action movie are criminals, it’s not surprising that they don't follow the rules.

After they free Dom (Vin Diesel) from custody, Mia (Jordana Brewster) and Brian (Paul Walker) flee to Rio, where they get involved in a car heist that finds a dead cop on their hands and a drug czars’ data in their possession.

Privy to the location of the kingpin’s cache, Dom and some acquaintances (Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris) decide to appropriate it.

Meanwhile, US agent Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) is hot on their trail.

The fifth installment in the franchise, Fast Five is a refreshing departure, where street racing takes a backseat to crazy chases and a memorable performance from The Rock.

Incidentally, Rio’s Christ the Redeemer statue makes an excellent flag girl.  0

Scre4m

Nowadays, killing a teenager is as easy as making them go to bed without their cell phone.

However, the murderer in this horror movie prefers old school stabbing techniques.

Fifteen years after the Woodsboro murders occurred, its perpetrator, Ghostface, returns and claims two new victims (Aimee Teegarden, Brittany Robertson).

At the same time, a survivor of the original slayings, Sidney (Neve Campbell), revisits Woodsboro to promote her new book.

Considered a suspect in the murders by the sheriff (David Arquette), Sidney must remain in town. Fortunately, her aunt (Mary McDonnell) and cousin (Emma Roberts) can put her up.

Meanwhile, the sheriff’s wife and former journalist (Courteney Cox) uses the murders to reenergize her writing career.

Slamming modern horror re-makes in order to gain relevance, this desperate third Scream sequel is also destabilized by its pedestrian homicides.

I mean, come on, how scary is a knife-welding maniac to today’s self-mutilating teenagers?  0   

***Demonlition Derby***

Christine

From smashing into other vehicles, to hitting pedestrians, to idling in closed garages, automobiles have always been associated with death.

However, the car in this horror movie has taken that morbid correlation to the extreme.

While he is restoring a used Plymouth Fury, nicknamed Christine, a high school loser, Arnie (Keith Gordon), begins to transform himself from an introverted geek into a self-assured hotshot.

But when his new girlfriend Leigh (Alexandra Paul) and his best friend Dennis (John Stockwell) begin digging up dirt on Christine's previous owner, they learn of her homicidal history.

Scared for their brainwashed buddy’s life, Leigh and Dennis plot to destroy the car.

Unfortunately for them, this self-regenerating, boy-crazed coupé isn’t so easily written off.

While the acting verges on tacky, overall, this Stephen King adaptation is a supercharged scream-fest.

And while I have never owned a possessed car before, I have owned a car repossessed.

He's a Racy Car Driver. He’s the…

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