Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's a Fast Foodie. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 27, 2012

I go against the whole grains. First up…

Contraband

Smuggling drugs to another country by ingesting them on one side, and expelling them on the other, would be an ideal job for a bulimic.

Unfortunately, for the smugglers in this thriller, no purger is immense enough to inhale $10 million.

With a wife (Kate Beckinsale) and kids, ex-trafficker Farraday (Mark Wahlberg) is now on the up and up.   

But when his brother-in-law is indebted to a dealer (Giovanni Ribisi) after dumping his drugs into the drink, Chris returns to bootlegging to pay off the debt.

But his plan to smuggle millions in counterfeit bills back from Panama aboard a cargo ship doesn’t go as expected, and he’s forced to partake in an armored carjacking.

Convoluted and confusing, Contraband’s constant conversion from gangland grit, to intense actioner, to screwball heist, is schizophrenic.

Besides, the best way to import fake bills into another country is in the G-strings of exotic strippers.  0

***Drug Deal-A-Meal***

Maria Full of Grace

Now that airlines charge you for additional luggage, learning how to ingest your suitcase would be a real cost-saver. 

Fortunately, the traveler in this drama only has to learn to swallow condoms filled with heroin.

Pregnant and unemployed, 17-year-old Maria (Catalina Sandino Moreno) is presented with an offer to mule drugs from Columbia to New York.

Needing the money to support her sister and niece, Maria agrees to consume over 60 bundles of the lethal narcotic.

When she lands in the States, Maria and the other female mules are rounded up and taken to a safe house where they are expected to expel their cargo.

Frightened, Maria and her friend flee from the traffickers with the heroin in hand. 

Poignant and edifying, Maria Full of Grace is a candid and disturbing depiction of life as a "drug mule".

However, since the contraband is consumed, wouldn’t "drug piñata" be more appropriate?

He was Kicked Out of the Contraband. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Burns Bridge Mixture. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 20, 2012

It’s never too late to say I’m not sorry. First up…

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

Due to economic uncertainty, while out on their globetrotting assignments, many secret agents have now begun freelancing as paparazzi.

Fortunately, the itinerant spy in this action movie has not been reduced to such shameful acts.

Failing to abate nuclear launch codes from getting into the hands of a Russian madman, Cobalt (Michael Nyqvist), IMF frees operative Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) from prison in order to prevent engagement of said nukes.

But when he and his team (Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg, Paula Patton) are framed for an attack on the Kremlin, Ghost Protocol is enacted, and the team goes deep undercover as known terrorists.

The fourth installment of the franchise, Ghost Protocol follows the protocol of the 60s’ television series: heavy team involvement, cutting edge cloak-and-dagger, and Cold War rancor.

However, any animosity between the two former super powers is best saved for the women’s figure skating event at Sochi 2014.  0

Shame

When it comes to sex addiction in males, it must be extremely hard to diagnose.  

Thankfully, this drama about the carnal affliction shows the symptoms, and their repercussions, up close and personal.

Brandon’s (Michael Fassbender) rampant sex addiction finds him preying on married subway commuters on a daily basis in order to sate his insatiable appetite.

But his lascivious temperament is tested when his equally amorous sister, Sissy (Carey Mulligan), appears out of the blue, and stirs up the long suppressed events that served as gateway drugs for both of their devious dependencies.   

Plagued by a perverted past and an inability to commit, Brandon begins to spiral out of control, threatening his career and safety.

A somber depiction of the much-maligned hardship, Shame puts a face to the problem with intense performances and restrained storytelling.    

Besides, everyone knows the cure for sex addiction is found in the Adrenal gland of nerds.  0

***Cloak and Daggering***

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

The reason sex and espionage are so closely linked is because spies tend to use their country’s nuclear launch code as their safeword.

Striking that perfect balance between Intel and genitals is the British agent in this comedy.

Years after he escaped the garish super-spy Austin Powers (Mike Myers), Dr. Evil (Mike Myers) returns to exact his revenge.

Reunited with his cronies, Number Two (Robert Wagner), Frau Farbissina (Mindy Sterling), and a diminutive doppelganger of himself (Vern Troyer), Dr. Evil puts in place a plan to travel back in time to steal Powers’ sexual prowess.

In turn, Powers must team with a CIA agent (Heather Graham) from the 1960s, if he hopes to remain potent.

Finding its comedic footing with this preliminary sequel, The Spy Who Shagged Me introduces some of the series’ most memorable characters and gags.

Incidentally, bi-sexual spies are the most likely candidates for becoming double agents.

His Cover's been Overblown. He’s the… 

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Sees in Retro-Specs. He's the...

Vidiot

Week of April 13, 2012

Does Betamax come in HD now? First up...

The Iron Lady 

It’s illogical for someone to build an iron automaton with the emotions of a female -- its face will rust after its first crying jag.

Thankfully, tearful paroxysms will not be a problem for the she-bot in this drama, because she’s a politician.

Beginning at the end of her days, the once-regal British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher (Meryl Streep) now suffers from dementia, which causes her to have conversations with her deceased husband (Jim Broadbent).

Through her bouts of instability, Thatcher recounts her early interest in politics and her meteoric rise to the head of the House of Commons. 

Also depicted are the ordeals that shaped Thatcher’s tenure, such as unemployment, the Falklands and Ronald Reagan.

A rambling biography about the pioneering politician, The Iron Lady is a ham-fisted, schizophrenic production that even Streep’s performance can’t save.

Besides, with her profile, Thatcher supporters probably thought they were voting for a bloke.  0   

The Darkest Hour

Being stranded in a country whose first astronaut was a stray dog isn’t very comforting during an interstellar invasion.

Thankfully, the marooned Americans in this sci-fi movie don’t require advance technology to fight back.

On a trip to Moscow to sell their software, Sean (Emile Hirsch) and Ben (Max Minghella) find their program has been pilfered.

Disheartened, they retreat to a bar where they flirt with Americans (Rachael Taylor, Olivia Thirlby). But the party abruptly ends when invisible invaders descend from the sky.

Finding shelter, the quartet hole-up. Meanwhile, the microwave-powered interlopers disintegrate everything they touch.

When they surface, the gang learns that the aliens have eradicated humanity, and are now extracting earth’s minerals. 

Though aspects of the unseen invaders are intriguing, as the plot unravels and the acting degrades, The Darkest Hour fades fast.  

Ironically, if humans were privy to the aliens’ electromagnetic energy source beforehand, we would have invaded them first.  0

***80s Sit-communism*** 

Reagan

The reason an actor was chosen to assume the most powerful position in the free world was because he would work for scale.

Which explains why the first thespian president featured in this documentary was also a corporate shill.

Through interviews with friends, family and other politicians, the 40th President of the United States is placed under a microscope to examine the events that lead the charismatic actor to become Commander and Chief.

From his early days as a liberal, to his compliance with anti-communism, and his spokesperson position with General Electric, Reagan’s power to rouse patriotism set the stage for the actor's starring role.

From the Cold War, to the Berlin Wall, this HBO documentary recollects, reveres and rips apart Reagan’s most memorable moments in office.

Incidentally, the best thing about being a movie star president is that your stunt double takes all of the assassination bullets for you.

He's a Primed Minister. He's the...

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