Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Status Symbologist. He’s the… 

Vidiot

Week 0f April 6, 2012

Rob the Joneses. First up…

We Bought a Zoo

When someone declares they’ve bought a zoo, it’s usually followed by the proclamation they will soon be opening a restaurant.

Fortunately, for the menagerie in this dramedy, their new landlord isn’t interested in hocking tortoise tacos.

After his wife’s death, journalist Benjamin Mee (Matt Damon) flees the industry for greener pastures.

Settling on a farmhouse with an adjacent zoo, Benjamin and his brood learn to not only live in their new bucolic setting but amongst their temperamental tenants as well.

Luckily, zookeeper Kelly (Scarlett Johansson) comes with the cages, along with mounting debt.

Financially strapped, the future of the park, and Ben’s family, is placed in jeopardy.

While it does purchase a fine performance from Damon, We Bought a Zoo’s true account is lost in an array of mushy musical montages. 

As for the worst aspect of owning a wild animal farm: getting up every morning to milk the lions.  0

War Horse

Wait a minute, if horses can fire weapons, drive tanks and applaud at USO shows then why do we need humans to go to war?

The horse in this drama, in fact, supports the aforementioned revelation.

On the eve of the First World War, a drunken Irish farmer (Peter Mullan) out bids his landlord (David Thewlis) on a feisty colt.

Now forced to plough a rock-filled field with the sinewy foal he funded, the farmer turns to his son (Jeremy Irvine) to tame the untamed steed, christened Joey. 

When war breaks out, Joey is sold into British servitude. But his stint is short-lived as the mount is then passed from side-to-side throughout the duration of the war.

A whimsical boy-meets-horse tale set against the horrific backdrop of trench warfare, War Horse is an impeccable adaptation of the children’s book.    

Incidentally, warhorse poop is great makeshift cannon fodder on the battlefield.  0

***Equine Rights***

National Velvet 

Owning a horse is basically comprised of feeding one end and cleaning up the other.

However, the relationship between pony and person in this drama is much more involved than shoveling equine scat.

After winning a lively colt in a raffle, the equally spirited Velvet (Elizabeth Taylor) begins breaking-in her beast for a national steeplechase.

With a former jockey Mi (Mickey Rooney), Velvet and her steed, dubbed The Pi, perfect their steeple leaping performance.

But when the jockey hired to ride The Pi at the Grand National backs out, it’s up to Mi to put away his past and get back in the saddle - or is it?

With Sussex, England serving as the pastoral setting of this girl-meets-horse tale, National Velvet is as much a visual treat as a narrative one.

Unfortunately, when your horse can jump over fences and ditches, your corral has to be, like, 20-feet tall.

He's a Thoroughbred Winner. He's the...

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