Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Under the Influencer. He’s the…

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Week of March 1, 2019

The Internet is Utopia if it was filled with opinionated assholes. First up…

Ralph Breaks the Internet

One surefire way of crippling the web is to give your parents your WiFi password.

Instead, the brute in this animated movie decides to immobilize it himself.

When the steering wheel on his friend Vanellope’s (Sarah Silverman) arcade game breaks, rehabilitated rogue Ralph (John C. Reilly) travels to the Internet to find a replacement. Out of their element at first, both soon learn how to navigate the net with Ralph memeing himself to make money for the part and Vanellope engaging in online gaming. But when it comes time to leave, one of them wants to remain online.

While this obligatory sequel to the nostalgic original confronts concepts of change through pointed Internet humour and strong vocal performances, the non-stop website ads feel less about funny and more about subliminal marketing to kids.

Furthermore, someone should tell Ralph that hanging out with underage Vanellope online isn’t a smart move.  Yellow Light

The Favourite

The best thing about being friends with the queen is using your selfies to counterfeit money.

Unfortunately, to make their fortune the royal besties in this dramedy must swing.

Disgraced Baroness Abigail Masham (Emma Stone) arrives at the court of Queen Anne (Olivia Colman) in hopes of finding work. With help from her cousin Sarah Churchill  (Rachel Weisz), the queen’s current consort, Abigail becomes a servant. But after discovering a secret about her kin and the Queen, Abigail attempts to reclaim her station by dethroning Sara as Anne’s favorite. 

While it presents a quirky take on the unsubstantiated relationship between the three parties during Britain’s 1703 conflict with France, this stylish and well-acted biography vacillates too much between upper crust laughs, lurid encounters and political intrigue; never lingering long enough at either to feel authentic.

Moreover, if the Queen’s using chambermaids to please herself what’s the point of the Beefeaters?  Yellow Light

***Upper Crust Pizza***

King Ralph

If the royals are ever assassinated it’s safe to assume Meghan Markle’s father did it.

And while the governing body in this comedy has ended, a more jovial fat man is taking over.

When Britain’s royal family is electrocuted during a soggy photo shoot, Sir Willingham (Peter O'Toole) taps larger than life Las Vegas lounge act Ralph (John Goodman) to bear the crown. While the country eventually warms to their new ruler’s blue-collar ways, Lord Percival (John Hurt) schemes to oust him by exposing Ralph’s secret affair with a stripper (Camille Coduri).

An improbable idea with high comedic potential backed by two British acting legends and a rudimentary plot prime for riffing is ruined by miscasting the lead. In the right hands, King Ralph could have been more cult film than forgettable lark.

Besides, it’s hard to believe that Prince Charles wouldn’t rise from the grave to claim the throne.  

He's Crown Sourcing. He’s the….

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s the Reopening Act. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of February 22, 2019

If all the world's a stage Ticketmaster is God. First up…

A Star is Born

The best things about sleeping with a famous singer are the costume changes and pyrotechnics.

However, the vocalists in this drama are both gifted so sex gets pretty smoky.

After a concert one night, rock-star Jackson Maine (Bradley Cooper) inadvertently catches a performance by emerging artist Ally (Lady Gaga), and is so impressed by her vocal range that he offers to help refine her singing and song-writing talents. But as Ally’s star begins to rise and she garners accolades and awards, her mentor – now husband - descends into drink and a deep depression.

Although this is the fourth remake of the 1937 original, first-time director Bradley Cooper and his leading lady Gaga both make stunning debuts, which helps the dated material feel relevant. While it’s darker than previous versions, this adaptation has the added bonus of original songs.

Incidentally, marriage is a lot easier for rock-stars because they have roadies.  Green Light

 

Robin Hood

Nowadays anyone who steals from the rich to give to the poor takes a 20% handling fee.

However, English outlaws, like the one in this action movie, simply enjoyed the notoriety.

Conscripted into the Crusades by the Sheriff of Nottingham (Ben Mendelsohn), Lord Robin of Loxley (Taron Egerton) returns home to find his ladylove married to another (Jamie Dornan) and that his vast fortune was confiscated for the war-effort. Now under the tutelage of an Arabian warrior (Jamie Foxx), Robin hopes to learn the longbow proficiently enough to topple the sheriff’s regime.

While this origin story focuses on a younger bandit than has been featured in the plethora of Robin Hood productions before it, this youth oriented adaptation is packed with historically inaccurate action scenes, lazy quips and a laughable performance from Foxx.

Besides, smart outlaws steal from the rich and loan to the poor at a high interest rate.  Red Light

***Upstage Right***

All About Eve

The only way to ensure a younger actor won’t replace you is to blackmail the producer.

Unfortunately, the starlet in this drama didn’t bother to dig up any dirt own her bosses.

Broadway leading lady Margo (Bette Davis) is at the top of her game until she meets young super-fan Eve (Anne Baxter). While Eve initially makes an excellent assistant to the aging actress, overtime her thirst for the limelight lands her the role of Margo’s understudy. When Margo fails to appear one night, Eve takes the stage and astounds the audience in her stead. Now Eve is in demand while Margo isn’t.

Based on the short story, writer-director Joseph Mankiewicz brings every celebrity’s fear to vivid life. Superbly acted and Oscar nominated thusly, this tawdry tale of being supplanted by a young version still holds true today.

Luckily, meteoric young actors can easily be introduced to career ending addictions.

He's Unwashed Up. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Crack Rock Star. He’s the...

Vidiot

Week of February 15, 2019

Reunion tours = band members alimony payments. First up...

Bohemian Rhapsody

When a band is named Queen don’t be surprised if all of their songs are about Welsh Corgis.

And while the group in this biography doesn’t dwell on dogs their output does run the gamut.

Freddie Mercury (Rami Malek) goes from fan to front-man when he replaces the singer of his favourite band. Backed by the original guitarist, drummer and new bassist, Freddie christens the band Queen and they release a successful album. However, Queen’s eclectic sound makes them a hard sell, while Freddie’s alternative lifestyle makes him a media darling.

Framed by their 1985 Live Aid performance and sprinkled with their timeless tunes throughout, this behind-the-scenes look at the legendary band skims over the important parts and instead focuses too much on the nominal contributions of the other members and their qualms with Mercury.

Nonetheless, without Queen the only music played at sporting events would be the national anthem.  Yellow Light

Velvet Buzzsaw

The key to being a great artist is the ability to sketch the nude form without being arrested or sued.

The crimes in this horror movie however are being committed by the artwork itself.

An up-and-coming art agent uncovers captivating canvases painted by a dead neighbour that she takes to her gallery owner boss (Rene Russo) and to her ex-lover (Jake Gyllenhaal), L.A.’s top art critic, for appraisal. While the collection is eventually deemed priceless and curators (Toni Collette) begin to clamour for pieces, everyone who has viewed the paintings has subsequently been killed in artistic fashion.

Backed by an impressive cast playing unlikable characters and a unique concept that is never fully realized, this cerebral shocker never strikes the right balance between the visceral horror and the highbrow elements it keeps adding to the pot.

Nevertheless, with murderous artwork hanging in your gallery you’ll never need a security system.  Yellow Light

Overload

Zombies never allied with the Nazis during WWII because even zombies aren’t that inhuman.

However, this horror movie depicts a history where the world’s worst teamed up.

The day before D-Day a squadron of US paratroopers (Jovan Adepo, Wyatt Russell, John Magaro) are secretly dispatched over France to dispense of a German radio tower. But as the regiment attempts to complete their mission, they stumble upon a church where they discover the Nazis are conducting experiments on the locals. With time running out and the dead coming back to life, the soldiers must make the ultimate sacrifice to save humanity.

While the idea of meshing the two powerhouse villains has been explored many times before in cinema, this cartoony American addition from producer J. J. Abrams doesn’t bring anything all that new to the genre besides a few impressive scenes early on.

Furthermore, zombie veterans would just ruin Remembrance Day ceremonies.  Yellow Light

***Front Man Down***

Eddie and the Cruisers 

When the singer of a band dies it is customary to wait 2-weeks before going on a European tour with their hologram.

Thankfully, this drama takes places decades before technology ruined music.

In 1983 a music journalist, Maggie (Ellen Barkin), pitches a story to her television bosses about the mysterious death of 1960s rocker Eddie Wilson (Michael Paré) and his unreleased album that disappeared. Through interviews with his backing band The Cruisers (Tom Berenger, Joe Pantoliano, Helen Schneider), Maggie hopes to find the missing master tapes before the Ghost of Eddie does.

While Eddie’s sound is more akin to Springsteen than The Supremes, this time-jumping whodunit is still an enjoyable dissection of posthumous stardom. And while the dialogue is poetic and cheesy the ambiguity behind Eddie’s demise is engaging and realistic.

Incidentally, bands can always find a replacement for their dead lead singer with a trip to nearest the safe-injection site.

He’s a Grizzly Baritone. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Gadfly on the Wall. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of February 8, 2019

Spiders need rebranding. First up…

The Girl in the Spider’s Web

If hackers are going to rig elections why not just elect them to office?

However, the cyber-terrorist in this thriller has her fingers in something more illicit.

While she currently crusades against criminals as a masked vigilante, Lisbeth Salander (Claire Foy) occasionally does hack-and-grab gigs like the one an ex-NSA agent (Stephen Merchant) just hired her to undertake. Unfortunately, the nuclear launch codes she stole for him have now made her the target of an active agent (Lakeith Stanfield) and a secret cabal called the Spiders.

Not only does this continuation of the Millennium series reduce its intricate lead to an action movie cliché, but this adaptation of the 4th novel also softens the edges of the risqué series creating a sterile knock-off that pales in comparison to both of its American and Swedish predecessors.

Incidentally, the only people on earth who can safely date a hacker are the Amish.  Red Light

The Front Runner

When having an affair with a presidential hopeful be sure their not the candidate you want to win.

Case in point, the philandering front runner found cheating in this political drama.

With his good looks and supportive wife (Vera Farmiga), Colorado senator Gary Hart (Hugh Jackman) expects to secure the Democratic presidential nomination that eluded him in 1984. While the media and public at large feel the same way, Hart’s hopes are soon dash after he encourages the press to scrutinize his private life. What they discover however is that the saintly senator is cheating.

While Jackman turns in a decent performance in this timely depiction of actual events, the rest of the talented cast is wasted on a floundering script that is more focused on analyzing Hart’s actions than constructing an effective political allegory. 

Besides, smart candidates get their spouses to cheat on them so they can get pity votes.  Yellow Light    

The Grinch

The easiest way to ruin Christmas is to redirect all Amazon shipments to the Third World.

Thankfully, the party-pooper in this animated movie lives a cave with no WiFi.

A green hermit named The Grinch (Benedict Cumberbatch) watches over Whoville from his mountaintop with much disdain, particularly for its obsession with the yuletide. To quell the joyous season this year, The Grinch hatches a plan to impersonate Santa so he can pilfer all presents and decorations from the neighbouring township. Meanwhile, a Whoville child hopes to capture Claus so she can make a wish for her overworked mother (Rashida Jones).

Outside of the sappy single mom storyline, Cumberbatch’s nasally performance and some slick animation, this adaptation of Dr. Seuss’ children’s book pretty much follows the same narrative of the far superior 2-D animated TV special.

Moreover, if The Grinch hates Christmas so much he should just convert to Islam.  Red Light

***Bad Press Release***

Susan Slept Here

Christmas is the best time to cheat because you already have gifts to make up for it.

That’s why it makes sense for the screenwriter in this romantic comedy to have a holiday affair.

On Christmas Eve Oscar winner Mark (Dick Powell) is visited by the Vice Squad, who have brought him a 17-year-old runaway, Susan (Debbie Reynolds), as inspiration for his new script about delinquency. But when Mark learns that Susan will be jailed until 18, he marries her. Their abrupt nuptials however don’t sit well with Mark’s fiancée (Anne Francis), his US Senator father-in-law or the press.

If the comedy were as risqué as the romance than this 1954 adaptation of the stage-play wouldn’t be as creepy as it is. But with little else to offer besides the illicit affair, this Techicolour romp is pure trash.

Besides, when you marry a 17-year-old you have to pay for their University.

He’s Underageless. He’s the…

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