Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s the Lowlife of the Party. He’s the…

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Week of September 28, 2018

Rebooting your life with a younger version of yourself gets weird fast. First up…

Solo: A Star Wars Story

If any other religious order had Jedi powers they’d just use them to molest children.

Mind you, the warrior monk’s mind tricks are wholly absent from this sci-fi movie.  

After deserting the Imperial army, wayward orphan Han Solo (Alden Ehrenreich) cuts his criminal teeth on train robbing with a band of outlaws (Woody Harrelson, Thandie Newton, Jon Favreau). But when a job goes sideways, Han’s indebted to a crime boss (Paul Bettany) and must repay him by working with a smuggler (Donald Glover), a Wookie and an old flame (Emilia Clarke) to steal a supply of hyperspace fuel.

The long-awaited origin of the softhearted scoundrel, this standalone prequel falls short of expectations. While the tedious tale is littered with endless nods to the character the actor portraying the lovable ruffian looks and sounds nothing like Han Solo. 

Incidentally, the key to smuggling in space is only swallowing NASA approved condoms.  Red Light

The First Purge

The first offense you should commit after the government legalizes all crime is marrying your cousin.

Sadly, the participants in this horror movie have chosen acts of hate over forbidden love.

When a right-wing party seizes control of the US government they implement a social experiment wherein they will decriminalize crime for a 12-hour period on Staten Island. To get volunteers to remain on the island, the doctor (Marisa Tomei) running the trial offers the underprivileged residents $5,000 to participate in the inaugural event. However, local drug dealers use the pilot project to wage a turf war.

A mean-spirited prequel that takes it self too seriously, this fourth installment in the speculative franchise is too on the nose with its analogy of modern America. Less horror and more forewarning this origin story is heavy-handed and biased.

Furthermore, without any police on duty you’re likely to see a decrease in crime.  Red Light

***Jones: An Archaeology Story***

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Archaeologists carried bullwhips in the 1930s to keep British Museum curators at bay.

Unfortunately, the monarchy has already seized all of the ancient treasures in this action movie.

Fleeing a crime boss, archaeologist Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford), his sidekick and a showgirl (Kate Capshaw) end up in an Indian village where a Kali cult has abducted its children to toil in mines.

Compelled to help, Indy and his entourage head to Pankot Palace where black magic and voodoo are being practiced by followers of the Goddess of Destruction.

Not only the sequel but also the prequel to Raiders of the Lost Ark, Temple of Doom is the most divisive in the trilogy due to its departure from Christian artifacts and Nazis antagonists. However, it boasts the strongest female costar and the scariest scenes of the series.

Incidentally, Indy could’ve easily resolved this child labor dispute with a Bollywood dance off.

He Chicken Curry Favours. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Tyrannosaurus Rx. He’s the…

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Week of September 21, 2018

Prescription drugs killed the dinosaurs. First up….

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

The big difference between a Disney and a Jurassic theme park is that the workers inside of the dinosaur mascots were eaten.

An active volcano, like the one in this sci-fi movie, would be another disparity between the parks.

Three years after Jurassic World was abandoned to its reptilian inhabitants a volcanic eruption threatens to wipeout the cloned species unless Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard), the previous operations manager, and Owen (Chris Pratt), a Raptor wrangler, can save them from extinction. However, the solution to move the creatures to a private sanctuary may not be in the beasts’ best interest either.

While the visuals continue to dominate in this obligatory sequel to the blockbuster reboot of the franchise, Fallen Kingdom falters when it comes to telling a compelling or innovative story to accompany those eye-popping effects. 

Moreover, the only way to ever gain control over dinosaurs is to clone Fred Flintstone.  Yellow Light

Uncle Drew

Geriatric athletes are popular these days because they physically cannot take a knee during the anthem.

Mind you, the old-timers in this comedy can not only take a knee but also slam-dunk.

Determined to prove his coaching prowess to his rival (Nick Kroll) by winning a street-ball tournament, Dax (Lil Rel Howery) recruits local legend Uncle Drew (Kyrie Irving) to play for his team.

But the elderly baller won’t hit the court unless it’s with his equally aged teammates (Shaquille O'Neal, Chris Webber, Reggie Miller, Nate Robinson), whom Dax must now get game ready to face the younger teams.

Based on a Pepsi advertisement, this feature-length comedy is devoid of laughs. While it is exciting to see these NBA players in action, watching them do so in a grey wigs and face prosthetics is just creepy.

Furthermore, who wants to go watch their sports team play at the Depends arena?  Red Light

Heats Beat Loud

The upside to having your father in your band is that he is fully aware of your heroin addiction.

Thankfully, the only thing holding back the duo in this dramedy is higher education.

Widower Frank (Nick Offerman) deals with the idea of his daughter Sam (Kiersey Clemons) going away to college by starting a garage band with her over the summer. While she is hesitant to get distracted from her studies, her girlfriend (Sasha Lane) convinces Sam to record a song with her dad, which, in turn, becomes a minor hit. Now, Sam’s college dreams are overshadowed by this new opportunity.

While the song recording process captured does serve as an excellent how-to for up-and-coming musicians, the actual songs featured are hardly hit material. However, the characters are real and their relationships relatable.

Plus, when your dad is in your band he can help repair the hotel rooms you trash. Yellow Light

***Mick Drop***

The Commitments

Blues music is not popular in Ireland because the Irish have nothing to be miserable about.

That simple reason is why the band in this comedy chose to cover soul music instead.

Determined to prove his prowess as a band manager, young Dubliner Jimmy (Robert Arkins) puts an ad in the newspaper looking for local talent to start a soul band. Among the freaks that audition, he finds some serviceable horn players and back-up singers.

After weeks of rehearsal, the band garners some local success. But infighting and affairs threaten to derail Jimmy’s dream.

While the songs sung are soul music standards, the new vocal talent behind the melodies brings these classics to life in a new way. Based on the novel by Roddy Doyle, this hilarious toe-tapping adaptation from 1991 still holds up today.

What’s more, it’s nice to see Irishmen playing instruments that aren’t just empty whiskey jugs.

He’s a Diss Track Star. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Cold Snap Decision. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of September 14, 2018

Construction season segues seamlessly in to flu season. First up…

Ocean’s 8

Female thieves are so successful because they have more body cavities to conceal stuff in.

The ladies in this comedy, however, are bold enough to wear their ill-gotten gains openly.

Wasting no time after her release from prison, convicted crook - and sister to Danny Ocean - Debbie (Sandra Bullock) and her cohort (Cate Blanchett) hatch a plan to pilfer a priceless necklace from the Met Gala.

But Debbie will require a crew of thieves, hackers and counterfeiters (Mindy Kaling, Sarah Paulson, Rihanna, Awkwafina) as well as an unwitting actress (Anne Hathaway) to execute her elaborate swindle.

Although it’s loaded with a stellar cast that exudes chemistry, this all-female spin-off of the Ocean’s 11 franchise comes off as a gimmick that doesn’t have a satisfying enough script to make it memorable or revolutionary.

Incidentally, women never seem to take issue with the disparity between sexes when it comes to sentencing.  Yellow Light

Superfly

The key to being a successful drug dealer is getting your degree and working for big pharma.

Unfortunately, the peddler in this action movie couldn’t afford the respectable way to the top.

In retaliation for a drive-by, local gang Snow Patrol alerts corrupt cops to drug dealer Priest’s (Trevor Jackson) activities, and they soon want a cut of his proceeds. Looking for a way out for him and his girlfriends, Priest turns to his mentor (Michael Kenneth Williams) and his Mexican cartel connection for help in blackmailing the mayor of Atlanta (Big Boi). 

A stylish remake of the groundbreaking 1972 Blaxploitation film, this update doesn’t add to the mystique of Youngblood Priest. It only serves to distract from the original’s social commentary and legendary soundtrack with flashy gunfights, expensive car chases and low-end cinematography.

Moreover, the best way to get rid of your competition is to give them free fentanyl.  Red Light

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

The reason Mister Rogers wanted to be everyone’s neighbour was so he could borrow endless amounts of sugar.

Unfortunately, this documentary doesn’t divulge whether or not Rogers was diabetic.

Fred Rogers was distracted from his dream of joining the priesthood by television. Fascinated by the new medium’s teaching capabilities, the soft-spoken and genial Rogers worked his way up the children’s TV show ladder until he received his own show.

By addressing current social issues via puppets living within a fictional kingdom, Rogers was able to reach young minds and help them become special individuals.  

Through archival photos and videos of Rogers’ early work as well as interviews with his co-workers and family members, this exploration of the entertainer is as good-natured as he was. While it tackles controversies and myths, this biography doesn’t dwell on them.

As for his sweater obsession, Mister Rogers couldn’t afford heat on a PBS salary.  Green Light

***Frankie's 4***

Set it Off

The reason female thieves are not successful is because they only steal from shoe stores.

Smartly, the lady robbers in this action movie have branched out to robbing banks.

After losing her job, Frankie (Vivica A. Fox) joins a janitorial company where she works alongside her best friends, Stony (Jada Pinkett Smith), Cleo (Queen Latifah) and T.T. (Kimberly Elise), cleaning houses. With each woman facing their own personal tribulations, Cleo suggest that they rob banks. Successful at first, the ladies soon attract the attention of a detective and their dishonest employer who wants a cut of the profits.

A cinematic achievement for African American women, this lost gem from 1996 remains a groundbreaking caper to this day thanks to its gay-positive subtext. Social issues aside, director F. Gary Gray makes sure the action is as explosive as the message.

Incidentally, to avoid getting caught female thieves really need to wear hairnets.

He’s Past his Prime Suspect. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Adrifter. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of September 7, 2018

There are no homeless people at sea. First up…

Adrift

The best reason to own a yacht is so that you will be able to escape your creditors.

Fortunately, the couple in this drama won’t have to worry about running in to repo-men.

Just a short while after first meeting in Tahiti, Tami Oldham (Shailene Woodley) and her new seafaring beau Richard Sharp (Sam Claflin) agree to sail his friend’s 44-foot sailboat to San Diego.

Midway through their voyage however the couple encounters a hurricane that not incapacitates Richard and the vessel but also veers it off course. Now it’s up to Tami to steer them back home.

Loosely based on actual events from 1983, this well-acted and stunningly shot retelling tampers with hard facts to create a cloying narrative that’s more interested in romance than survival. Controversial to be sure, the ending weakens Oldham’s real achievement.

Incidentally, when lost at sea just start harpooning whales until Greenpeace shows up.  Yellow Light

Hereditary

If it weren’t for the physical traits we inherit from our parents plastic surgeons would be out of work.   

However, that which is intrinsic in this horror movie cannot be resculpted.

Shortly after her mother’s funeral, Annie (Toni Collette) loses her daughter in an accident caused by her son Peter (Alex Wolff). While the father (Gabriel Byrne) tries to keep the family from imploding, Annie holds séances to reach her deceased offspring and Peter self-harms to cope with the guilt.

But over time the grandmother’s shadowy past begins to shed light on the family’s current turmoil.

While it starts off with some strong performances, inventive camera work and shocking imagery, things quickly go down hill from there: the pace slows to a crawl, the acting curdles and the plot becomes incoherent, bordering on comical.  

Lastly, even if insanity doesn’t run in your family, they can still give it to you. Red Light

 

Ghost Stories

The best way to tell a ghost story is around a campfire with flashlights in broad daylight.

However, light sources of any kind are few and far between in this horror movie.

As the host of a skeptical television program about the paranormal, Phillip (Andy Nyman) has spent his life debunking the supernatural. But when he meets his childhood idol, Phillip is presented with three uncanny cases that not even his mentor could demystify.

As he interviews the subjects (Martin Freeman, Alex Lawther, Paul Whitehouse) Phillip uncovers a hidden connection to his own past that has haunted him in to adulthood.

While the three stories contained within this British anthology based on a stage play vary in their degree of terror, the overarching narrative that they all feed into does provide the most shocking moment of the movie.

Sadly, nowadays ghost stories have been replaced by the 24-hour news cycle.  Yellow Light

***Crystal Ball Gown***

Supernatural

For maximum comfort while possessing, pick a vessel with the same shoe size.

Luckily, the lost soul in this horror movie found the perfect fit.

Paul (Alan Dinehart) is a medium who’s trying to bilk heiress Roma (Carole Lombard) out of her fortune by pretending to be in spiritual contact with her lost brother. However, during one of their séances the spirit of Ruth (Vivienne Osborne), an executed murderess, enters Roma’s body and seduces Paul.

But just as they are about to set sail on her yacht, Roma reveals to Paul that she’s really Ruth, the wife he sent to the electric chair.

While the possession angle of the story is just as goofy as it is nonsensical, the lively antics of the bewitched Carole Lombard are enjoyable to watch; unfortunately, the 1933 special effects are not.

Moreover, no matter whose body you possessed in the 1930s you always end up in the breadline.  

He’s a Debunk Bed. He's....

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