Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s the Lowlife of the Party. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of September 28, 2018

Rebooting your life with a younger version of yourself gets weird fast. First up…

Solo: A Star Wars Story

If any other religious order had Jedi powers they’d just use them to molest children.

Mind you, the warrior monk’s mind tricks are wholly absent from this sci-fi movie.  

After deserting the Imperial army, wayward orphan Han Solo (Alden Ehrenreich) cuts his criminal teeth on train robbing with a band of outlaws (Woody Harrelson, Thandie Newton, Jon Favreau). But when a job goes sideways, Han’s indebted to a crime boss (Paul Bettany) and must repay him by working with a smuggler (Donald Glover), a Wookie and an old flame (Emilia Clarke) to steal a supply of hyperspace fuel.

The long-awaited origin of the softhearted scoundrel, this standalone prequel falls short of expectations. While the tedious tale is littered with endless nods to the character the actor portraying the lovable ruffian looks and sounds nothing like Han Solo. 

Incidentally, the key to smuggling in space is only swallowing NASA approved condoms.  Red Light

The First Purge

The first offense you should commit after the government legalizes all crime is marrying your cousin.

Sadly, the participants in this horror movie have chosen acts of hate over forbidden love.

When a right-wing party seizes control of the US government they implement a social experiment wherein they will decriminalize crime for a 12-hour period on Staten Island. To get volunteers to remain on the island, the doctor (Marisa Tomei) running the trial offers the underprivileged residents $5,000 to participate in the inaugural event. However, local drug dealers use the pilot project to wage a turf war.

A mean-spirited prequel that takes it self too seriously, this fourth installment in the speculative franchise is too on the nose with its analogy of modern America. Less horror and more forewarning this origin story is heavy-handed and biased.

Furthermore, without any police on duty you’re likely to see a decrease in crime.  Red Light

***Jones: An Archaeology Story***

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Archaeologists carried bullwhips in the 1930s to keep British Museum curators at bay.

Unfortunately, the monarchy has already seized all of the ancient treasures in this action movie.

Fleeing a crime boss, archaeologist Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford), his sidekick and a showgirl (Kate Capshaw) end up in an Indian village where a Kali cult has abducted its children to toil in mines.

Compelled to help, Indy and his entourage head to Pankot Palace where black magic and voodoo are being practiced by followers of the Goddess of Destruction.

Not only the sequel but also the prequel to Raiders of the Lost Ark, Temple of Doom is the most divisive in the trilogy due to its departure from Christian artifacts and Nazis antagonists. However, it boasts the strongest female costar and the scariest scenes of the series.

Incidentally, Indy could’ve easily resolved this child labor dispute with a Bollywood dance off.

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