Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Block Party Pooper. He’s the…

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Week of September 26, 2014

Serial killers make ideal neighbours. First up…

 

Neighbors  

As a concerned father living next-door to a frat house it’s important to keep DNA of all of the members on file.

Fortunately the new dad in this comedy has plenty of opportunities to collect.

When Delta Psi purchases the house next door to recent parents (Seth Rogen, Rose Byrne), the couple plays nonchalant with the frat heads (Zac Efron, Dave Franco) in order to seem hip.

But when noise levels are exceeded the couple lose their cool.

Calling the cops however only sets off a rivalry between the two camps. With each trying to one-up the other with extreme tactics.

While it honestly portrays Generation X’s effort to be cool parents, it fails to explore the issue in a grown-up manner.

With puerile pranks, limp penis jokes and awkward improve between Rogen and Byrne, Neighbors is aimless and unrealistic. 

Besides, a colicky baby can be as irritating as EDM.  Red Light

***Next-Door Knobs***

Neighbors (1981)

The irony of neighbours is that you often kill them with the same tool you borrowed from them.

However, the aggravated neighbour in this dark comedy is liable to use his bare-hands.

Despondent suburbanite Earl (John Belushi) is jolted from his mundane existence when an unconventional couple (Dan Aykroyd, Cathy Moriarty) moves in next-door.

Unnerved by his forwardness and her flirtatiousness, Earl is confused as to why they moved into his quiet community.

He soon begins to draw his own conclusions, which ultimately leads to paranoia and self-destruction.

A satire on suburban bliss, Neighbors finds both its SNL alumni playing against their type in order to create a truly eccentric comedy.

Based on the delusional bestseller by Thomas Berger, this undervalued psychological comedy from the ‘80s is an excellent commentary on the confines of safety and sanity.

Furthermore, you should only interact with your neighbours if they have a pool.

He’s Off the Welcome Wagon. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Cold Blood Donor. He’s the…

Vidiot 

Week of September 19, 2014

Giant monster = giant poop. First up…

Godzilla 

The upside to a giant lizard is that one day its fossilized bones will generate massive amounts of crude oil.

Unfortunately, the rampaging reptile in this sci-fi movie is far from petrifaction.

Fifteen years after his mother (Juliette Binoche) was killed in a nuclear power plant accident, Lt. Ford (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) returns to the contaminated site to help his father (Bryan Cranston) expose a military cover-up involving Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organisms.

Their suspicious are later confirmed when a winged MUTO hatches from its cocoon and attacks Hawaii.

Now humanities only hope lies in a cold-blooded MUTO the US army has been secretly bombing for 60 years. 

With a faithful Godzilla design and monster battles galore, this modernization of the Japanese fire-breather pummels previous American efforts with ease.

However, that doesn’t prevent this update from being tedious and disjointed at times.

Incidentally, in Japan anyone over 6-feet tall is called Godzilla.  Yellow Light

The Fault in Our Stars

One of the pros to dying young is that you don’t have to worry about getting Alzheimer’s.

But as this drama points out, there are more cons to early expiration.

Urged to attend a cancer support group at the behest of her mother (Laura Dern) and father (Sam Trammell), terminal teenager Hazel (Shailene Woodley) finds the meetings more bearable thanks to fellow sufferer Augustus (Ansel Elgort).

Agreeing to read each other’s favourite book, Hazel shares one about cancer with Augustus - who is reluctantly won over by the prose.

Wanting to meet the author before her demise, Hazel’s wish is granted. But her and Augustus’ encounter with him (Willem Dafoe) is disparaging at best.

Based on the Teen Lit sensation, this adaptation does an adequate job of adhering to its inspiration, specifically characterization, plotting, and the sorrowful ending.

What's more, when you die young your Obit photo will be hot.  Green Light

Think Like A Man Too

If thinking like men gets women to stop acting like men than that’s a plus.

Thankfully, there are no flatulent females in this comedy.

Attending their friends wedding in Vegas, Cedric (Kevin Hart) and his boys (Michael Ealy, Jerry Ferrara, Gary Owen, Romany Malco) split from their significant others (Meagan Good, Taraji P. Henson, Wendi McLendon-Covey, Gabrielle Union) to have the bachelor party.

But even though both parties are apart from each other they’re still haunted by their relationship woes, i.e. intimacy, infidelity and career.

Meanwhile Cedric’s extravagant boys’ night out lands him in debt, which he hopes to nullify through gambling.

The slapdash sequel to the mildly amusing original, Think Too doesn’t develop the returning characters beyond their previous appearance, save for Hart who has become a caricature.

It also doesn’t offer up any relevant relationship advice.

Besides, 1 in 5 Las Vegas marriages ends in personal bankruptcy.  Red Light

***Dying Young Love***

Now Is Good

The good thing about dying young is that you die with all of your hair.

However, that won’t be the case with the ailing adolescent in this drama.

When her cancer returns, Tessa (Dakota Fanning) formulates a bucket list comprised of high-risk activities.

Despite her death sentence, her parents (Paddy Considine, Olivia Williams) still cannot condom her hazardous behaviour, urging her to mind her health.

It’s not until she encounters her kindhearted neighbour (Jeremy Irvine) that Tessa begins to feel her first glint of love.

Adapted from the Teen Lit book Before I Die, this British based love story is an emotional and frank exposition on the final days of a debilitating disease, and the people and moments that make them memorable. 

Heart wrenching performances throughout, Now is Good is not only believable but also beneficial. 

Incidentally, the one unchecked item on all sick kids’ bucket lists is: cure cancer.

He’s Terminally Chill. He’s the… 

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Sings an Un-American Anthem. He’s the… 

Vidiot 

Week of September 12, 2014

Freedom is the length of your leash. First up…

 

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

To get respect overseas Captain America should always travel dress as Captain Canada.

Fortunately, the star-spangled shield tosser in this action movie is staying stateside. 

Two years after the Avengers Initiative, super-solider Steve Rogers is a dutiful S.H.E.I.L.D. agent.

But on a mission for Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) his allegiance waivers when he and agent Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson) discover a HYDRA conspiracy inside S.H.E.I.L.D.

On the run from their own agency, the pair must prevent a familiar face from Cap’s past (Sebastian Stan) from launching HYDRA corrupted Helicarriers.

More action-thriller than action-adventure the patriotism of the previous film has given way to modern skepticism and fear mongering.

Fortunately that distrust includes: rapid-fire action; new characters ripped from Cap’s comic book catalogue; and a rollercoaster script with earth-shattering revelations around every bend. 

Incidentally, the only time it’s lawful to let an American flag touch the ground is if you’re wearing it.   Green Light

Brick Mansions 

The French invented parkour so they could retreat from their enemy super-fast.

Mind you, the parkourer in this action movie is moving towards his adversary.

In the near future, criminals residing in the abandoned mansions of an affluent Detroit suburb are sealed off from the rest of the city by a giant wall.

Largely ignored by police, that all changes when a stolen bomb makes its way over the wall into the hands of a drug czar (RZA).

Now it’s up to a cop (Paul Walker) and a convict (David Belle) to retrieve the device before it’s used against the city.

A re-make of the French film District 13, Brick Mansions is an inferior interpretation.

While the stylized fights are a highlight, the acting and the overall story are hallow and hackneyed.

Besides, with the loss of Detroit’s auto industry colossal wall building could be a viable option for them.  Red Light

Petals on the Wind

The best way to get revenge on a bad parent is to abuse them when they get senile.

However the siblings in this drama have chosen to attack much earlier.

A decade after their mother (Heather Graham) and grandmother (Ellen Burstyn) held them captive in the attic of Foxworth Hall, the surviving Dollanganger children: Cathy (Rose McIver), Chris (Wyatt Nash) and Carrie (Bailey Buntain), mourn the death of their adopted father.

With a forbidden fire still burning for each other, Chris and Cathy unwillingly take-on unrelated lovers as they pursue careers in medicine and ballet, respectively.

But a failed encounter with their estranged mother sets off a scheme to spoil her and her new husband’s life.

Based on the sequel to Flowers in the Attic, this latest installment in the Dollanganger series is as tawdry, melodramatic and as campy as its predecessor. 

Furthermore, the best revenge an incestuous couple can get on their mother is having her baby-sit her two-headed grandchild.  Yellow Light

 ***Farmers’ Market Collapse***

The Ultimate Warrior 

The key to repopulating after an apocalypse is making Viagra for radioactive genitals.

Unfortunately, the seeds the survivors in this sci-fi film are concerned with are ones you sow.

By propagating a seed resistant to the plagued that wiped out humanity, a band of intellectuals living in a walled-off section of NYC have cultivated the poisoned soil.

But with marauders threatening their peaceful existence, clan leader Baron (Max von Sydow) has no choice but to dispatch his pregnant daughter (Joanna Miles) and her bodyguard (Yul Brynner) beyond the wall in order to persevere life.

A precursor to the dystopian craze of today, The Ultimate Warrior set the visual standard for ruined cities, as well as the struggle to survive in a wasteland.

While the fisticuffs are tame, the unruly characters are not - making for an exciting escapade.

Furthermore, the first crop you should grow in a lawless land is hemp.

He’s Pre-Apocalyptic. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Touchdowner. He’s the…

Vidiot 

Week of September 5, 2014

Touch football is for flags. First up…

Draft Day 

The upside to getting a concussion is that you don’t remember losing the championship game.

Losing, however, is not on the agenda of the general manager in this drama.

Determined to bring a hot prospect to Cleveland, upstart GM Sonny Weaver (Kevin Costner) trades the Brown’s first-round draft pick for the next three years for a shot at the phenom.

While the move impresses the team’s owner (Frank Langella), it riles up the coach (Denis Leary), current QB (Tom Welling), and team’s attorney (Jennifer Garner) - who is pregnant with Sonny’s child.

Although it offers a gutsy glimpse into the pressures of picking a million-dollar player, Ivan Reitman’s sentimental salute to gridiron suffers from needless melodrama that deflates the swelling sense of tension.

Furthermore, splicing classic football games into the narrative is sophomoric and ultimately distracting.

Incidentally, overrated NFL draft picks tend to have a bright future...in the CFL.  Yellow Light

Belle

Being black in the 18th century was almost as difficult as being black in the 21st century. 

Luckily the mixed-race child in this drama was reared an heiress.

Born of a West Indies mother and a British naval officer father (Matthew Goode), Dido Belle (Gugu Mbatha-Raw) was raised by her father’s uncle (Tom Wilkinson), the 1st Earl of Mansfield, and his wife (Emily Watson).

Although her father’s nobility will sustain her for life, Dido yearns to find love with someone of equal rank.

But an idealistic young lawyer (Sam Reid) assisting her uncle in a trial involving drowned slaves derails her plans of landing a doting Lord.

Inspired by a painting, Belle has the markings of an archetypal period piece, however, the underlining social issues elevate the standard story of status and forbidden dalliances to a reputable level.

Belle also set the stage for other black royalty, like, Prince. Green Light

***Monarchy in the US***

B*A*P*S 

The reason there are no black monarchs in America is because colonists hated British rule as much as black emancipation.

However, the Black American Princesses in this comedy come close.

Nisi (Halle Berry) and Mickey (Natalie Desselle-Reid) head to LA to raise capital for a soul-food hair salon in Atlanta.

While unsuccessful at sudden stardom, Nisi lands a gig as the lost love of an ailing millionaire (Martin Landau).

Eventually the ostentation twosome rub elbows with the elite, and introduce them to their brash urban branding.

All the while, they become unknowing accomplishes to a plan to extort their sugar-granddaddy of his millions. 

A cultural misstep, this lowbrow lampoon of black/white relations may feature some first-rate funnymen (Bernie Mac, Rudy Ray Moore, Faizon Love) but its depiction of both races is offensively unfunny.

Besides, neighbours would be calling the cops every time they saw B*A*P*s entering the old man’s mansion.

He’s a Race Relationship Expert. He’s the…

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