Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Showmanship Wreck. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 28, 2017

I’m a triple threat: singer, dancer and armed. First up…

 

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La La Land

Finally, Hollywood has made a film that celebrates France’s stuttering sailors.

Oops, apparently the land in the title actually references to tinsel town it self.

Mia (Emma Stone) is a budding actress whose hapless life is constantly intersecting with an aspiring jazz musician, Sebastian (Ryan Gosling), who would rather open his own club than play in his jazz-fusion band (John Legend).

A relationship eventfully forms between the entertainers and they each help the other attain their dream. However their success comes at the expensive of their unique bond.

A keenly choreographed homage to old Hollywood musicals set in the modern era with its contemporary inconveniences, this song and dance routine may have a familiar narrative but its reinterpretation is astute; albeit saccharine at times.

Career defining performers from both leads and a decent array of melodies further enhance this charmer.

Incidentally, insurance doesn’t cover injuries obtained dancing in the streets.  Yellow Light

 

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Underworld: Blood Wars

The key to winning the war against vampires is cutting off their crushed velvet supply.

Lamentably, the bloodsuckers in this action movie also have skintight leather to wear.

Sought by her lycanthropic enemy (Tobias Menzies) who needs her hybrid daughter so he can create vampire/werewolf soldiers from her blood, Death Dealer Selene (Kate Beckinsale) seeks asylum with an upstart coven where she trains others like her.

Selene’s stay is short-lived due to her host’s (Lara Pulver) desire to drink her blood, so she and her student (Theo James) strike out to find her offspring before anyone else does.

The fifth installment in this less than memorable monster franchise, Blood Wars attempts to reinvigorate the struggling series with millennial material and mindless gunfights. Both of which do nothing to distract from the muddled script and ho-hum SPFX.   

Lastly, werewolves leave more than explosive landmines on the battlefield.  Red Light

***Lip-Syncing in the Rain***

 

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The Umbrellas of Cherbourg  

Busking is almost like living in a musical except teenagers steal your change-filled hat.

Fortunately, the vocalists in this musical have real jobs to do while they sing.

Umbrella saleswoman Geneviève (Catherine Deneuve) is smitten with mechanic Guy (Nino Castelnuovo). But when he’s conscripted into the Algerian war, she is left alone and pregnant in their French village.

Encourage by her mother (Anne Vernon) to marry the local jeweler (Marc Michel), Guy returns from war to discover Geneviève has left Cherbourg with the daughter that he never knew he had.

Years later, a chance encounter finds the former lovers face to face for the first time in forever.

Considered an unorthodox musical on account that all of the dialogue is sung similar to an opera, this brightly hued tale is also unique in its true-to-life take on love and its unpredictability.

Interestingly enough, karaoke in Cherbourg is actually talking off-key.

He’s Baritone Deaf. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Fast Foodie. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 21, 2017

A horrible accident inspired the drive-thru. First up…

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The Founder

Everyone already knows that McDonald’s was the result of the Devil copulating with a kids’ birthday party clown. 

But as this biography proposes, the fast-food chain may in fact just be a business.

On the road, travelling salesman-cum-entrepreneur Ray Kroc (Michael Keaton) comes across a drive-in restaurant run by two brothers (John Carroll Lynch, Nick Offerman) that is managed so efficiently that he proposes they franchise with his help.

Ray’s relationship with the McDonald brother’s is quickly strained, however, due to his unauthorized alterations to their formula, and the fact he’s phasing them out of their own company.

 

With a magnetic performance from Keaton as the ruthless businessman who built the fast-food industry on the backs of others, this quasi commercial also serves as a captivating cautionary tale due to its high levels of duplicity.    

Moreover, McDonald’s continues to evolve, like their recent decision to offer all-day stomach cancer.  Green Light

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Split

Entering your online dating personality profile takes forever when you have multiple personalities.

That must be the reason the schizoid in this thriller kidnaps his matches.

Three teenage girls (Anya Taylor-Joy, Haley Lu Richardson, Jessica Sula) are adducted by 1 of the 23 personalities belonging to dissociative identity disorder patient Kevin (James McAvoy).

While in his captivity the girls become acquainted with Kevin’s other personas, including a female and a child who the girls manipulate for their freedom. The one disposition they haven’t encountered happens to be the most dangerous: a super-human intent on purging humanity.

Although the concept and characters can get absurd, this M. Night Shyamalan feature does find the once lauded director finding his footing again. Moreover, the allusion at the end to an old Shyamalan picture is worth the watch.

 

Incidentally, even with all those personalities you still have to pay the entire dinner bill yourself.  Yellow Light

***Spoiler Allergic***    

Unbreakable

The best thing about having impenetrable skin is watching mosquitos try to suck your blood.

Unfortunately for the indestructible man is thriller, it also means keeping secrets.

Different since he was a child, David’s (Bruce Willis) invincibility was undisclosed until he became the sole surviving passenger of a train wreck. This miracle attracts the attention of an art dealer (Samuel L. Jackson) with an opposite affliction to David’s shatterproof bones.

Estranged from his wife (Robin Wright) but now a hero to his son (Spencer Treat Clark), David agrees to hone his powers alongside his delicate new friend for the sake of justice. 

M. Night Shyamalan’s subtle comic-book movie from the turn of the century still stands up as one of his – as well as the genre’s – finest to date. Moody, restrained and exhilarating, Unbreakable is riddled with unexpected twists. 

Lastly, impenetrable skin totally sucks if you’re an intravenous drug user.

He’s Potato Chip Resistant.  He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Bottle-Rocket Scientist. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 14, 2017

Space would be more populated if it had free WiFi. First up…

 

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Hidden Figures

The real reason NASA never employed female astronauts was because there were no kitchens on-board.

Furthermore, as this drama documents, the 1960s space program was also racist.

When Al Harrison (Kevin Costner), NASA head engineer, is perplexed by a geometry problem, he brings African-American mathematician Katherine Goble Johnson (Taraji P. Henson) up from Langley to help solve it.

Unfortunately, the segregation and sexism of the Sixties keeps her from fitting in with her white, middle-aged male contemporaries.

Meanwhile, Katherine’s equally brilliant friends (Octavia Spencer, Janelle Monáe) experience their own discrimination at the hands of their bigoted superior (Kirsten Dunst).

A well-acted and aptly written account of the unpublicized contributions that African-American women made to the space race, this biography is inspiring on a number of fronts, specifically the social inequalities that continue to plague society.

Incidentally, NASA also made the first black astronaut sit in the back of the shuttle. Green Light

 

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The Bye Bye Man

Being haunted in the 1960s wasn’t as scary as today because their SPFX make-up sucked.

Luckily, the majority of this horror movie occurs in present-day.

Elliot (Douglas Smith), his girlfriend (Cressida Bonas) and their friend (Lucien Laviscount) rent out an old house where a homicidal rampage played out in 1969.

During a home séance an enigmatic entity, The Bye Bye Man (Doug Jones), emerges from limbo and begins driving the friends insane with hallucinations of infidelity, all because they said his name. With help from the only survivor of the massacre (Faye Dunaway), Elliot sets out to stop Bye Bye.

Badly acted in both eras by actors who don’t deserve the title, this inept adaptation of an obscure work of crypto-fiction is amateurish at best - the villain is derivative and the scares are nonexistent.

Besides, monsters wouldn’t be so sensitive about their names if they weren’t so dumb sounding. Red Light

***Knick Names***

Candyman

Before 1992, the only black male that would appear when you said Candyman was Sammy Davis Jr.

But thanks to this horror movie, this hook-handed fella started showing up as well.

A student studying urban legends, Helen (Virginia Madsen), stumbles across a character from inner-city folklore that emerges from mirrors and guts you with his hook if you say his name five times.

Helen later learns that Candyman (Tony Todd) was a cultured African-American lynched in 1890 for loving a white woman - who looks like her. His ashes were scattered over the housing project he now haunts. 

Horror novelist Clive Barker’s urban take on the Bloody Mary myth, this seminal slasher movie has a solid backstory of social importance. And while the scares are dated and the script stale, the villain is still iconic.

However, the worst part of living inside of a mirror is getting covered in pus.

He’s a Mirror Image Consultant. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Sun Burnout. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 7, 2017

Without the sun we’d have to get cancer elsewhere. First up….

 

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Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

The real reason Darth Vader wears a mask is because of a tanning bed accident.

Luckily, the UV-rays in this sci-fi movie are emitted from actual suns.

When the Alliance learns the location of Death Star blueprints that could turn the tide in the resistance, they have an ex-con (Felicity Jones) and her rag-tag rebels (Diego Luna, Donnie Yen, Alan Tudyk) infiltrate the Empire’s tropical base and steal them.

Meanwhile, the project-lead (Ben Mendelsohn), Lord Vader (James Earl Jones) and Grand Moff Tarkin (Peter Cushing) each vie for credit and control of the colossal mobile laser. 

With imposing villains, unscrupulous heroes and a straightforward story that enters some pretty dark territory, this stand-alone prequel to a New Hope is not only funnier than any previous Star Wars movie, but also the most captivating installment since the original trilogy.

Unfortunately, however, this white sandy beach episode doesn’t feature any bikini-clad Wookies. Green Light

 

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Monster Trucks

Monsters who drive enormous trucks are just compensating for having really small tentacles.

The Leviathan in this action-comedy, however, is unable to move without one.

Brought to the surface via the drill of an oil company (Rob Lowe, Thomas Lennon) and unable to move due to Earth’s gravity, cephalopod Creech (Frank Welker) uses a patchwork truck to get around.

When the teenage owner (Lucas Till) discovers this, he agrees to let Creech live there in exchange for some serious off-roading. Meanwhile, the oil firm hires a monster-hunter to locate the new species threatening their project.

Not as terrible as expected, or as hoped, this family-friendly creature feature from Nickelodeon actually has some merits in it’s monstrous mash-up - mainly its anti-oil stance and absentee father-son dynamic. However, these highlights are not enough to forgive the weak premise.

Mind you, monsters driving trucks would be a refreshing change from assholes driving them.  Yellow Light

 

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Office Christmas Party

The key to surviving any office holiday party is bringing your lawyer as your plus one.

Unfortunately, none of the employees in this comedy prepared for sexual harassment.

Intent on throwing his employees (Rob Corddry, Kate McKinnon) the best office Christmas party in hopes of impressing a client (Courtney B. Vance) and keeping his branch afloat, party-animal manager Clay (T. J. Miller) drains his bank account and pulls out all of the stops.

Meanwhile, his sister - the acting CEO (Jennifer Aniston) - is headhunting his best people (Josh Parker, Olivia Munn) for her New York office.

Despite its comedic ensemble cast, this lump of coal suffers a dearth of laughs, direction and believability. Relying heavily on party montages and zany characters to propel its patchwork script this seasonal gift is best returned in the New Year.

Besides, mixing work and alcohol is only wise on your last day there.  Red Light

***Search Party Animals***

Equinox

If you ever get lost in the woods simply start a fire so the water bombers can find you.

However, the hikers in this horror movie will need more than controlled burn to defeat these demons.

While looking for a missing scientist in the woods a group of friends meet a hermit in a cave who gives them a book containing ancient secrets on the occult.

Asmodeus (Jack Woods), the king of demons, wants to get his talons on the tome so he sends an array of colossal monsters to obtain it.  

With cameos from sci-fi’s biggest names - Forrest J Ackerman, Fritz Leiber – this Indy from 1970 does amazing things on a shoestring budget - specifically the stop-motion simian creature - and has gone on to inspire countless filmmakers.

Furthermore, it’s nice to finally find a discarded book in the wild that wasn’t written by a reality TV personality.

He’s a Holy Ghostwriter.  He’s the….

Vidiot